How about sharing how we've gotten through all the firsts in the year after losing a loved one. I think this may be beneficial for all of us.

Something that helped me the first year after Mom died was to visit her on special occasions. I'd take pen and paper and write her a letter.It enabled me to grieve alone with her. There were no distractions and I was able to stay focused on the gifts of her life and my reasons for missing her so.

What else?

I haven't been there yet, but it's soon. The 26th would have been Daddy's 80th b/day and I do dread the feelings; however, I'm finding more and more comfort in knowing WHERE he is, and knowing that I did everything I could to make his life as good as possible before he died. I'm finding peace I suppose you would say.

Just this week someone came into my sister's office and gave her a picture of Daddy from his 8th grade class. What a cute picture! He was smiling and just he cutest thing I've ever seen. What dimples! What a smile! And of course, he was clowning around....and NOW you know where I get it! I'm so proud to be his daughter!

JJ

What sweet thoughts about your Dad JJ and Dotsie, I did the visit/note thing with my Dad for the first couple of years (he passed away in 1992).....my Dad's buried in Arlington Cemetery which was only about a 15 minute drive from where I used to work in Arlington, Virginia. I'd go on my lunch hour and take flowers and "visit"....

Both of my parents are gone now and I will say that the most difficult "first" for me was on the anniversary of their passing. October 23rd for my Dad and January 5th for my Mom. No matter how much time passes, it's still a day of remembrance for me - as the years go by though it's remembering with a smile more than a tear....

I just finished a year without my Dad. Holidays were rough mainly because so much in our family had changed over the past two years. My Dad died exactly one year after my brother-in-law. Then six months later, John's cancer surgery.

Next February 23rd I think our family will all be leaving the country or climbing into holes or somethig. Not a good day for us.

I visit my Dad's grave with Nathan. He is in Dulaney Valley Memorial Gardens for veterans. He is near the large veterans memorial. So Nathan and I visit the Memorial for the Korean War vets and he understands that those men fought for freedom for him and his ancestors so that he could be a part of our family. We clean the marker and sit and talk to "Pop-Pop". I usually crya nd Nathan is very comfortable with that. He like going there, too.

Everybody has to find there own way of getting through. My Dad's life was taking such a horrible turn that it was selfish to want o keep him here in that deteriorating body.

What catches me off guard is seeing him when nathan was 2 or 3 years old and quite vital. The deterioration happend so fast.

Lynn

I just passed the first week of my aunt's passing. I'm still so raw. This grieving process is something I've never been through. I've never lost a person I love so much and for that, I know I'm lucky.

I sit on my front porch and stare at the sky and ask, "What are you doing? What is it like? I miss you." And, I haven't been able to just let go and really cry. I've never been a crier and I feel so bottled up.

I took one of the many, many angels my aunt had in her bedroom and put it by my bedside and kiss it every night before going to sleep. The way I've been sleeping (if you want to call it that) I threw a pillow off the bed, it hit my cordless telephone and it broke the wings off my angel. I couldn't even cry over that. I just felt like my head was going to blow off from pressure. I have to glue the wings back on and of course, have to look for a message in the accident! I'm questioning every thing that happens. I'm talking to butterflies outside and I'm sure my neighbors will have me put away any day now. My aunt said if she could, she would come back and give me a sign and it would be around a butterfly bush.

I know I'm sounding like a woman on the edge and in a lot of ways, I am. I'm not the same person I was. She was the only person in my life and my sister's life, that loved us unconditionally. Sorry to be such a downer.

[ September 13, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Dianne, I'm so sorry for your sadness, but can totally relate to it.

Until my mom died 3 years ago I had never lost a loved one either. It's a real wake-up call.

Time heals all wounds. With each passing day I pray you are able to see the beauty from her life, revel in the memories, and marvel at where she is now.

Please don't feel you are going over the edge, you are not girl, you are grieving in the only way you know how. That's all. I talked to everything around me for weeks after Daddy died. As Daddy layed in a coma I whispered in his ear I love you, please let me know you are okay now. He hasn't...but God has. You have to trust that their life is being continued in a better place now.

So...talk to a Styrofoam cup if you want to if it helps you work through your grief. Time truly is a healer, but remembering what a wonderful caring person they were here on earth brings more love, thus more healing into your heart. You talk about it here if it helps you k? We're listening and we understand. Believe me.

Love to you girlfriend,

JJ

I lost my dad in 1999, and it still is very sad on all of the anniversaries..birthday, death, parents' wedding anniversary, holidays, Fathers Day, even my birthday. We are a small family, and on those special days, we usually congregate at the cemetery together to share some time. The first birthday he was gone, we all assembled there...my mom, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew, and me, my husband and one of our daughters (the other one lived in Texas at the time). We brought birthday balloons and a vodka martini (his favorite) and each took a sip before placing the remainder (and the olive) on the headstone. We laughed about how he could now have the lemon meringue pie that he loved so much but Mom wouldn't let him have the last years of his life. We sang Happy Birthday softly. It was silly, but it made us all smile instead of weep, and that's the way Dad would have wanted it. Every Christmas Eve, my sister and I each decorate a small little tree with battery operated lights and leave it by his grave at dusk. Those lights twinkle for dad all through the night. He loved Christmas, and we can't imagine him not having a tree, so we make sure it is there every year.

Lots of people would call this crazy, but it works for us. We just try to bring a little happiness and light into what would otherwise be very sad days.

Your post brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

It reminded me of my sister who visits Mom's grave and celebrates birthdays and holidays with her. She leaves all kinds of goodies. I've visited and found a piece of birthday cake, balloons, plastic trinkets for holidays, and some of Mom's favorite candies. Seeing these gifts reminds me of the great love my sister had for Mom.

Hi Dianne,
So sorry about your aunt. I haven't been able to post for a few days but have been reading when I can.
Please don't feel your over the edge your are not. We each grieve in our own way. Its hard and I think one of the hardest things to do.
While I was reading your post here I couldn't help but think your aunt is probably smiling down on you.
Maggie