a different kind of loss

i am dealing with a loss that i am unsure how to deal with. i still have my son. i have not lost him.. not completely. his traumatic brain injury that he suffered eight weeks ago has taken "him" from me. he is not the kid i am used to. i have had him for 21 years. for the past six weeks, he is not the same. i am so fortunate to still have him. i am blessed. this i know. but i swear.. if one more person tells me how "lucky" we are i am going to flip! there are times that i feel taht but damnit there are times when i am not feeling that at all. this could have never happened too! one day he may be completely the same. chances are he won't be. yes it is true i will ove him the same for always and that will never change. i can not help thought but think of a time just six short weeks ago that he was a differnet man. a man i miss, and miss alot. it is strange to grieve for a person that is still alive. and it just now dawned on me as i typed this that that is what i am doing. thanks board...

gosh i am clueless....his accident was not eight weeks ago... it was six weeks ago today.

Had this exact experience after my mothers' emergency heart bypas. She was NEVER the same after that surgery, and I never got over it. When she died, I had many people tell me how much I would miss her, and I had to tell them that I HAD been missing her fir several years. Also, when my husband was dying the same things were said, and he wasn't the same after his cancer surgeries either. It's like you can still SEE the person, but "they" aren't there. I always think of that old saying about the lights being on but nobody being home. It's really cruel, and I understand exactly what you are going through.

cruel is such a great word for this. that is exactly what it is. he was doing nothing wrong!! he was just driving home from the beach with his grilfriend... that is all. he was not drinking, or racing or speeding, or talking on acellphone or goofing off or anything...just driving,, that is it..driving on a two lane bridge. expecting full well to make it to the other side and not get nearly knocked off by some idiotic sherrif's deputy coming in the oppisite direction, that thought it best to race to a freaking call on the other side of the bridge with no emergency lights or sirens and get to the top of the stupid bridge, at the top of the stupid bridge, and then decide to pass a car!!! the very force that is supposed to uphold the law to be sure he gets accross a bridge safely in the first place takes my son's life as he knows it from him. try explaining that to a kid every day because he does not remember what the hell you told him yesterday half of the time. is cruel a good word? yes i think it is? am i a bit angry or bitter? i think so...but... i am praying about that.. so all will be well in that department and my post will not be as angry some day soon.. sorry girls.. but for now..the guy that hit my son is an @#$%%^&*.

Actually girl...I am glad to see that you are angry. I was wondering how you were doing it. Sounds morbid, but there are probably stages you go through when something this tragic happens...just like when someone is dying. You have hit the angry stage. That is probably a good thing. You are moving on! What was that sheriff thinking? Has he been in touch with your son?

I am so very sorry for your loss....and it is truly a loss. 10 years ago, my brother in law was driving to his girlfriend's house when he was hit head on by a drunk driver. He lived....first at shock truama, then at York Rehab, first a coma, then a persistent vegetative state....one year and 24 days later, he died. During the process we had been warned that David would be a different person if he ever woke up. We spoke with many families of "survivors" of the shock trauma experience and most felt exactly as you do...that they had lost someone and that they were grieving. And yes Dots is right, the stages are exactly the same as those after a death. So be angry and when some well meaning person says that you are lucky, find a way to gently explain just how unlucky you feel. There is absolutely nothing lucky about your situation. I willpray for you and hope that God will give you the mercy and grace to find a new person in your son, at least until, God willing, he comes back to you.

I just wanted to tell you that i love you,and your one of the strongest women that i know.I am also very very angery.i mean really this sucks!Our families have been through so much though.This one being the biggest.We just need to continue to pray and be there for you and the family.I just want you to know I feel anger and sadness to. and im here for you.

Grief takes on so many forms. We so often associate grief with death; that is, death of the physical person. While you still have your son, you are experiencing a profound loss. He is not the son you've always had...he is different. While still precious in your sight, you mourn what was and what will never be. Dotise mentioned that there must be stages that you go through and she is right. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of loss, and I know from experience that you go through those five stages (not always in order) when you experience any type of loss. My mother developed and eventually died of Alzheimer's disease. I went through a long mourning process years before she died. I also went through those five stages of loss. My saving grace was spending some time in therapy dealing with this loss. By the time she died I had reached a level of peace. My heart goes out to you and your son and all who know and love him. You've been blessed in the sense that he is still here. However, blessings are sometimes hard to take. My prayer is that God will strengthen you through this.

thank all of you for such heartfelt responses and for sharing your own stories of pain and grief to try to ease my own. that always helps. alzheimers is actually, oddly comparable, in some ways. thank you.