What should I do..feeling guilty?

Do you remember my friend that lost her husband this spring? You all helped me so much around the funeral... well, since then I have been keeping in touch with her almost daily..and visiting her as often as I can. She is doing ok..but it´s SO TOUGH!!!! SO LONELY for her!

She told me a while back that New Year´s Eve will probably the hardest time for her because that is the time that was special for her and her husband. And now New Year´s Eve is here. She hasn´t asked me outright to come visit with her.. and my partner, who very rarely expresses a wish or need in this type of situation, said that he would really like me to be at home with him and his son on New Year´s Eve..if possible. I had discussed this situation with him some time ago and he came back with his thoughts and answers this evening. Which I also appreciate.

Sooooo..what do I do??? Help! I remember when my daughter died how devasted and paralyzed I was that first Christmas without her. And we had 3 other children..so we weren´t alone. My present partner is not the father of my children. We finally solved our Christmas dilemma way back then by asking my husband´s brother´s family to help us out. We celebrated Christmas at their house. And now I am thinking of how I felt then..and feeling for my dear dear friend who is facing her New Year´s Eve alone. I know that she will not come to us here at home which would be great. But she is wary of breaking down at other people´s homes. Which is understandable and can be sooo hard. You just want to be transported immediately to your own little dark corner in your own home. Even the ride home in such a situation can be a nightmare.. I know. I know. I know.

How am I supposed to think??? All help and thoughts are appreciated very very much. I am going to call my friend now to see how she is..get the feel of things. But I would like to be with her tomorrow evening, too. And I want to be here at home...

These are the times when I used to wish God would give me the gift of bilocation so I could be in two places at the same time (Padre Pio is reputed to have been given that gift).

I know what it's like to be torn between the needs of the family and the needs of the friend. How to choose??? Since your husband made a point of coming to you and specifically requesting you stay home with him, I think he needs you to choose him New Year's Eve.

As lonely and miserable as it will be for your friend, it WILL pass...you've been there for her all along, so hopefully she will understand that it's your husband's turn to have you be there for him this one night. It probably won't help her to feel better, but could you maybe compromise and be there for her for breakfast or brunch the next day?

I think your partner may be telling you something.

Call her on NY eve. Brunch, as Eagle suggests, on NY day. But stay home tonite. Your partner has made a request for a reason.

Love to you, Humlan. Be good to yourself.

And if it's okay with your parnter...invite her over...even if she doesn't come...it's her choice...sort of puts the ball in her court...

Is it possible for you to sneak away and give her a buzz by phone sometime during the evening? I know it's not the same, but there are times when we must put our family first.

Since you have experienced tremendous loss, you are such a compassionate soul. Bless you for wanting to please everyone tonight.

I just said a little prayer for your friend - that somehow her soul will feel lighter this evening and it won't be as bad as she is expecting. Also, that you may find peace in knowing you are where you need to be.

Please say a prayer for my friends who are experiencing their first New Year's Eve without their only son. Heart breaking!

Humlan,
I'd be with my family too. Is it possible that you feel a bit more guilty and responsible for your friends grief because you understand it so? You must move forward and stay on your path working on your own grief as well. There are times when a friend can remind us so much of what we went through that we start going through it again, or going through it WITH them when we are really in a different place at the time.
dancer

Humlan, how did your friend do last night? I thought about her (and you) all evening and through the night whenever I woke up (which was often, due to hubby's snoring!) I hope all is well this morning/afternoon for all of you.

Humlan, I hope you had a wonderful New Years with your husband. It's my experience that anything I do out of guilt backfires on me. I've learned I have to take care of myself first. Part of that has been learning to say no. What do you think?

Sorry to get back to you so late..to both of you. I read all your posts,thought about it.. and that gave me the support I needed to do what I felt deep inside that I wanted to do. I staid home with my family on New Year´s Eve. We had a very pleasant time together..and then I visited with my friend on New Year´s Day..afternoon, evening. When I called her to ask her if I could come and visit with her, I sensed that she was disappointed that I didn´t come on New Year´s Eve. She mentioned that she thought I would come..this was very tough for me to hear..but she was gentle and tentative about it. I told her some of my thoughts..but not too many because I sensed that she KNEW..but only had the need to tell me about her need. Gosh, I hope that you understand what I mean.

Soo..this taught me something about saying "no" in a very difficult situation. Maybe I should have more trust sometimes in the person I say "no" to..because eventho the "no" may not be pleasant, my friend(s) can understand. I know that I do..most of the time..so why can´t I trust that my friends understand, too?

Thank you for your interest and support! And..HAPPY NEW YEAR to you both! What I really mean is..may this new year be kind to you and your loved ones..and may we meet often here on BWS!!!

Saundra..how are you doing???