Louisa...you said something that made me go..."Whoa, you're right!" I was married to a man who could not behave himself with women...the only difference between him and Blue's man is mine wasn't man enough to come out and admit it...made me think I was imagining things, etc. After 3 years of this crap we ended up in therapy...and one day I asked the doctor if Ed would ever change. He looked at me and said, "Are you a fool?" That really knocked me off my feet (so to speak)...and I realized that I was the one who had to make a choice about what was going to happen. Ed was probably never going to change...he was physically abusive, an alcoholic and used drugs I wasn't aware of as well...so, you understand now the counselor's remark. Of course, the second I mentioned kicking Ed out he said the famous words all people who don't want to lose say..."I'll change, I promise, please don't leave me." hoping they'll suck us back in. So, the words that woke me up were "Are you a fool?" I had been but no more. What had to change was me. I had to realize that I was important and also had problems for keeping a guy like that in my life after knowing what he was doing. I was needy to the point that I was willing (hoping) to keep someone around I thought would change.

Absolutely right, Dee. A fool is the last one to see it. I also got the "I'll change, I promise, please don't leave me" over and over again. I literally woke up one morning and said to myself, "that's it." I called my lawyer and the next day I signed divorce papers and then called the husband to tell him to expect them soon. He cried and pleaded and even had the nerve to say "just wait a few more weeks." Yeah, right. I was NO LONGER a fool and I felt a huge weight lifted off me.

I also want to thank you all for your advice and support, Forums like theses are the good part of the internet.

I am re-reading Persuasion - this edition has an introduction that delves in to the whole idea of persuading and being persuaded. Casey asked what I am doing for myself...having long talks with girlfriends?...well I am talking to one friend who is almost hurting more for me than I am for myself. She has always be a great support. I am also having a big inner conversation, I am almost feeling as if I am trying to "persuade" myself that I MUST leave him, but I so strongly don't want to.

Have you told him that not going to a therapist is a deal breaker for you?

I hope that you are continuing with a counselor as well; I couldn't tell.

The thing is, our happiness is our own to make. Happiness we have with another person is just icing on the cake!

Blue,
You said his pay goes into direct deposit and that you handle the money. How did he manage to spend $300 on another woman? I'm not trying to be mean or discouraging here, maybe playing devil's advocate so please don't be upset by what I'm telling you. But you asked for advice. Which of course, you don't have to take, but give it all some thought.

You say you are happy 99% of the time. that's not a bad percentage. I doubt anyone is happy 100% of the time in any marriage. But, if we're not happy because we had to go to a family gathering we really did not want to attend, or his class reunion, or that he watches so much sports on tv, or because we had a bad day at work, or because we couldn't go on a certain vacation or something that we wanted to do, well, such is life. We can cherish that other 99% when we are off to a nice vacation, or spending a nice quiet evening on the patio, or laughing at something ridiculous and it's not difficult to accept a little bit of things not going our way now and then. But, you're talking a cheat here. A man who goes on the internet deliberately looking for women. A man who spends large amounts of money on these women. If you can live with that, it's your choice. But, you don't have to live with it. It sounds to me, in your last email, like you are making excuses for him. I'm guessing it's to convince yourself because you want to believe him so you can let him stay. To me, a man who lies and cheats adds up to more than 1% of unhappiness in a marrige. Just my thoughts.

Blue,

I know for me I felt LED to try to do everything I could to save my marriage.

My philosophy was "I'm taking the next right step".

This is what worked best for me - though some thought I was crazy.

The end result was that step by step I had done "the next right thing", gave him a chance to get his life together, and in the end, I left the relationship because he continued to make bad choices.

It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" decision today.

What do you need to go forward?

ideas:

You need him to be going to counseling. (perhaps one that specializes in addictions)

You need him to give up the computer. (for a season).

You need him to commit to "no contact" with other women.


---whatever it is - you need to communicate these boundaries with him - and proceed from there. But you have to be committed to doing the "next right thing" if he plunges through those boundaries.

I stayed in my marital bed until I found out he was continuing his shenanigans.

I moved to my daughters room and began the separation paperwork.

He was caught having phone _ _ _ by my daughter...

I moved my kids and I out of the house.

I was going to be separated for 4 months - and if things didn't change with him - I was filing for divorce.

The courts made a mistake and gave us a divorce not a separation - it was over.

And I felt like I had done all that I could.

I adored my husband. We had a good marriage. We were friends (or so I thought). I personally wanted to fight for what we had.

I have zero regrets about how I handled things.

Go at your own pace.

I went to a co-dependants meeting in the midst of this, and met women who live with their _ _ _ ually addicted husbands. They've learned how to deal with it.

I was AMAZED. I could never do that. But, some can.

Anywho, my 2 cents!

Keep the faith - be true to yourself without regards to what ANYONE thinks or says! In the end - YOU have to live with yourself and how you've handled things!


Danita

Blue...you say he says he'll go to counseling but not with you. How do you know he'll go? What's the proof? I would go with him but wait in the lobby...that way you KNOW he's doing what he says he'll do. For all you know he'll leave the house, be gone for an hour or two, come back and tell you he went...I guess my question is...how can you trust him after what he's done and how can he call the shots about the counseling? When someone says they won't go to counseling, that is telling me they are not willing to face their problems and its an excuse. Most counselors will see the couple together, then separate then together, then separate, etc. It may well be that the two of you can have your separate counselors, BUT I would put my foot down and tell him that the first time we do it together and he can sit there and say nothing during the entire session but he's going with you. I personally wouldn't stay with a man like this, but if you are convinced you want to stay then you have the right to ask this and expect it. If not, I'd tell him it's a deal breaker and then stand behind that until he grows up and goes with you. Just my ever-so-humble opinion.
Best of luck sweetie.

I'll answer the easy questions first...he charged it to an individual card that he has, I have one also, then we have a joint card that I canceled right away.

As far as proving that he went, I will be asking for receipts - it's through my insurance, so I would need them to file the claims. and yes, not going would be a deal breaker.

I've been anxious at work all day, wondering if he will come through tonight with something for Valentines Day...I almost beleive that he would be stupid enough to not bring me anything and I think that would make me see that he is not sincere in saying that he wants to recommit to me and our relationship. We'll see......

Blue, well, how was Valentine's Day? You are right. How he acted should tell you something.