I am blown away (in a good way) by these responses. I can count on my boomer friends for truth... from the heart. Dotsie, I am working on my book, and maybe that's why I got mad, five years after. It is difficult to revisit that disease, but, like the first book, I know I must. It's not that I envy celebrities. It's that I am mad that they are chosen to bring awareness as if they are the only ones, while we have people suffering and overcoming right next door. I get claustrophobic in crowds, so I'd be uncomfortable with an entourage. I'm not sure what my emotion is concerning celebrities having nurses and nannies and accountants and personal attendants. Is it envy? Is it resentment? Is it that I want what they have? Do I perceive them as not having to worry? It's that I would like to make a difference that I think it takes celebrity to make. But then I get emails from people I know, as above here, and people I don't even know, so I let myself tell myself that maybe I have made a difference in the last five years, and I don't have to be on TV to do so. Yes, that's it. As for having friends, I'd be insecure. My grandfather died leaving my grandmother a widow at age 43, just as she was making her first million. You know she's 103 now. Even this year she said again that she never remarried because she did not know if someone loved her for herself or her money. She tells a story of a date she had, a man took her hands in his, and said, "Your hands are made of gold." I guess that would put me off, too! While I was going through chemo, I had to do a presentation at a college that had been set up even before I had cancer. I was wearing a purple knit hat, I was very very thin, and I had chemo brain.(brain fog) The audience was counselors, professors, others who dealt with PTSD in their practice, I was talking about child sexual abuse & PTSD. It was not my story, it was research I was selected to do & I received a grant to do it. There were only 42 in the room. I got 41 great evaluations, and one that said "could not make sense of her statistics..." as if it was my fault that she could not understand. So, like Dancer says, there is always at least one. I did take on the self-recrimination, oh what could I have done to make her understand? But that fact that I did that required presentation while going through chemo gave me lots of support from my peers. I had to re-frame after to focus on the positives, instead of thinking what I did wrong, just like now, as you all help me. BWS is my place for support, and you all never fail me. Dancer, I do intend to speak on my topics as in my book TEARS, and I can't wait to talk about cancer. I've been told I need an agent, but I have no clue who to trust or who would want my topics so I do everything myself, but I'm limited to local agencies that have no budget for speakers. EW, thank you too, and to everyone else who supported me here. I am growing my hair for "Locks of Love." I have to get to a 10 inch ponytail. I am starting from earlobe length. I found an AVEDA salon owner who will stick with me for the 2 years it will take. I don't want a new stylist each time I need a trim. I'm doing it now because it's my last chance. When I grey, I plan to be grey, but Locks of Love manufacturers cannot dye grey hair. I think I got my rant out of my system. I am humbled by those who responded or thought about me because I know you all have troubles of your own. Lots of hugs and kisses, Lynn