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#170019 - 01/04/09 05:29 PM
special empty nest dynamics single women face
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Registered: 12/19/08
Posts: 232
Loc: mother earth
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i was single when my children left the nest and am still single some several years later. the challenges of being a single empty nester are different than being a married empty nester for obvious reasons. you are just more alone. there is no one else to commisserate with. when you miss your kids (and grandkids) there is no one to reassure you or distract you or redirect you.
it's just you and that is that.
i have had a very difficult time being what i think of now as without a family. i mean i have a family, but they are super busy with their own lives and they don't need me (which is as it should be . . .i understand that). but i need a family and i don't have one.
most of the time i am ok and then sometimes i am not.
i have not been able to connect with others in my boat . . . i just don't meet other single women of my age who have grown children and grandchildren and are not glad to be rid of them.
it's weird. i know they are out there somewhere! i don't go to church, so that limits the possibilities of finding like-minded others.
this sounds like a rant or a whine and it is kind of, because the holidays were less than nurturing for me. i am usually ok holidays, but new year's was really difficult for me this year because i could not get ahold of a couple of my kids and it was no big deal for them, but devastating for me. and it got me into the mode of wanting and missing a family.
i don't even know how to define family anymore. it seems like for me that my role as mother is no longer appropriate and i do not fit the role of friend because i do not party and will not be doing that anytime soon. my kids like to drink and i do not like to overindulge.
it seems like the obvious solution is to find a way to redefine family that works for me and i just can't seem to figure out how to do that. i seem stuck on wanting something that cannot exist. as i said, i have peaks and valleys of coping with this problem . . . it has been ongoing for years . . .and right now i am at a low point and the issue has popped up again.
i manage the care of an elderly parent all by myself - my kids are not involved in that either and i have reconciled myself to it.
i think it is interesting that i am the support person for my kids and my grandkids, but i have no support person for myself.
i need to find a way to rethink the idea of family, because the way i think of it and the way it is is so dissappointing and unfulfilling.
i do things with my kids and it is all well and good . . . that is not what i am talking about. it is the emotional connection - knowing that someone will be there for you as you are for them. i guess i had this faulty idea that things would be reciprocal in that way and they are not and i can't seem to get beyond that.
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All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. dame julian of norwich - 14th century - mystic
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#170031 - 01/04/09 08:04 PM
Re: special empty nest dynamics single women face
[Re: dancer9]
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Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
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Seek, I can only imagine how hard it must be, as a single parent, to suffer under empty nest syndrome. It was hard enough to live through it with a partner.
Actually I think you are on the right track if you seek other single mothers going through the same thing. Not all of them like to party. How about starting a group? Just put an add in the paper? You could first meet in a coffee house or someplace neutral. I bet you would get a response…and if its just one nice lady that you could relate to,…it would be worth it.
How many children do you have, seek? I have two sons, and yes they are busy with their own lives. One of them is married to a lady who has a gigantic family. So we are just a cumbersome addition…just another one to give birthday presents to or call. I was terribly hurt in the beginning,…but oddly enough, … now that we have almost given up,…they are coming around weekly and stay almost half the day. So, giving them space really does pay off.
One thing, - this experience has forced me to think more independently. In a way it is a ticket to freedom. I always wanted to live near the ocean. Because my sons are so independent, I don't feel compelled to stay in their vicinity. I have also learned that I have to take care of myself, and not depend on anyone. I see that with my mother. If she didn't have me,…I think she would be one lost soul. It's just not healthy to be dependent on anyone for anything.
From your posts, I could tell that you are a versatile and intelligent woman. Believe me, I know those blues…especially on rainy gray days. It's awful, - but hang in there; … in the long run it will make you strong and truly free.
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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. Goethe
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#170253 - 01/07/09 01:42 PM
Re: special empty nest dynamics single women face
[Re: dancer9]
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Founder
Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
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seek, I think the future will look brighter for you because you've put your finger on what you're missing in life. Now all you have to do is find a way to fill that void.
I agree with EW. I think starting some kind of group, or gathering with other women who also wished they had closer ties with their families is a great idea.
Louisa, a member here, wanted to be in a writing group so she launched her own. I say go for it.
My MIL had two sons too. She connected with The Seven Silly Sisters. That's what they called themselves. They were a bunch of midlife women who were all single, except one. Their children were busy raising their kids, some children were out of town. They did all kinds of fun outings together, sometimes all seven, and other times, just a few. They spent time together during the holidays, traveled a bit together, and became their own little family offering support to one another. Might this be something you'd like to investigate?
I laughed at your mention of touching base with the kids on New Year's Eve. Ross and I talked about how we always called our parents at midnight. In fact, this is the first year I didn't call my Dad because he said he'd be asleep by midnight.
Ross and I wondered if that was something we were taught or just did on our own. Anyway, since our kids didn't call us, we called them, and they were cool with it. LIfe goes on.
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#171454 - 01/15/09 06:49 PM
Re: special empty nest dynamics single women face
[Re: Dotsie]
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Founder
Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
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