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#206014 - 07/22/10 04:18 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1211
Loc: NJ
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KIDs! Whaddya do with 'em! .....
My son, age 32, who lives a few minutes from my husband and I, remembers my birthday and stops by for a short visit on special holidays. He and his wife even drop by 2-3 other times during the year. Mostly he spends time with her family (also located a few minutes away,) maybe because they are much larger in number, and her parents treat them to destination weekends.
I know my son loves me because he has told me that from time to time, but I sure would like to see them practice love as an action word by spending more time with us while we are still alive. When they DO come and visit, we always seem to have a grand time, and whenever we go to restaurants for a special occasion, we mostly pick up the tab.
I raised him as a loving giving child, and he is all that, plus a very hard-working individual. When his father (whom he adored) walked out on us when my son was a teen, he changed a bit. He and I grieved separately about the loss of our family's wholeness. I tried talking to him about the loss, but he kept his feelings private. I asked him if he blamed me for what happened, and he said no.
Now in his 30s, I try and accept that he is too busy working to be a close part of my life, but deep inside I hurt that we do not see each other often.
My husband of almost 13 years (whom my son really likes) says that grown children, especially boys, do not cling to their moms, and that what my son is doing is pretty normal in the overall scheme of things. Maybe he is right. But we live so close and those two are always at her moms, working, or socializing with friends.
Tell me: Am I expecting too much in wanting to see them for an hour about once very 2 weeks or so? (They don't answer their phone much but prefer to text, which I am not good at. Plus, I think that is so impersonal)
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Josie
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#206021 - 07/22/10 08:48 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: Dancing Dolphin]
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Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
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Jabber, woops, I wasn’t sure if you meant your two daughters or your son’s two daughters. Whatever your age, jabber,..you are a yung’n to me, and probably to all the rest of us. Josie, you know what’s odd…all of us here have SONS that are …what’s the word: distant? Maybe your husband is right. Maybe it’s a male thing? I think it’s harder to accept those visits that are few and far in between, when the adult children live so close by. I once mentioned to my oldest son, who lives only 10 minutes from us, that we want to sell our house and move. He was shocked, and asked why. I told him we would like to live in a larger city. We feel like we are missing out on life in the country. He said, "well we are here". I just gave him a long look. Ever since then, he comes with his family every week for almost a whole day. You might just try that “trick” on your son. JJ, your analysis made a lot of sense to me. And yes, I am thinking big. Big time changes! It’s Hubby, dear, who rather thinks small…or no changes. So I do have obstacles, but nothing I can’t overcome. Thanks so much, JJ, you are really amazing. I hope you know that. DD, interesting question. I guess the 3 tables represent my mother, Hubby, and my sons. Moving means moving away from them. Hubby isn't too enthused about moving,and it would mean I have to move my mother to my new area. Not sure if that is good for her.And I would miss my grandchildren. It's not an easy decision. “A” called today, and asked if her Daddy may bring her over on Saturday. Weeeeell…chatty, may I borrow your phrase? ….“butter my but and call me a bun.” ( Haha just love that). Our other son is moving into their new house over the weekend, so his brother is coming to help him. Maybe we’ll just do a barbeque in the evening for the movers. Maybe we will grill our son. We’ll add a bit of mayonnaise and mellow spices,…to soften his nature. If you don’t ever hear from me again,…you know it is my son who wants to grill me, for whatever reason, only the stars know for sure.
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A friend is a gift you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
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#206022 - 07/22/10 10:31 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: Edelweiss2]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Tell me: Am I expecting too much in wanting to see them for an hour about once very 2 weeks or so? (They don't answer their phone much but prefer to text, which I am not good at. Plus, I think that is so impersonal) I guess, even if they live close, that still might be too often for him. Your son sounds as if he wants the time with you and hubby well-spent. Not just talk about ordinary stuff, or trivial stuff...to him. I know, it's selfish of him. In reading all about people's experiences with their adult sons, I reflect back my dearie's relationship with his mother who is no longer alive. When his mother lived in same city as we did and was still mobile, healthy, he visited her once per week or less. Or she phoned him..usually something minor for him to do. As she became more frail..he biked over and visit her for an hr. or less about 1-3 times per wk. In nursing home, as she became less aware of surroundings and could barely recognize her own son: it dwindled down to once to wk. He found it very difficult to communicate with her since dementia set in. I would consider this mother-son relationship probably ideal because it was relatively stress-free and mutually caring. She didn't lay down rules how to behave in her household..but there was no need. She personified quiet dignity and gentle temper. Sort of person that children and teenagers don't mind hanging out with. I have said over and over and over to dearie that it is the imprint of his mother that has had the strongest, positive influence on his personality. I am glad to have witnessed a very good mother-adult child relationship..'cause I can't say it is/will be like this with my mother. I know the rest of my siblings with their own families, etc., prefer contact with my parents only a few times or less on a monthly basis. They all live in the same city. My parents don't know how to "play" with their grandchildren since none of the grandchildren can speak/understand Chinese. And also because they never "played" with their own children. Instead it's easier for my parents to plunk grandchildren in front of TV or give them a meal at home. It's just reality. So some of my siblings with children, rely on their in-laws to do some occasional child care or there's more contact. Not sure how things can be better.
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#206026 - 07/23/10 07:11 AM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: chatty lady]
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Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
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Oh lol lol....but you still get what I mean, I guess. Yours is better, it's more discreet.
Orchid your partner is a good son. There are always exceptions. At my mother's senior home, I have noticed that sons visit, but compared to daughters, I'd say it's a ration of 20%. Orchid, have you ever tried to learn Chinese?
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A friend is a gift you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
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#206031 - 07/23/10 01:25 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: Edelweiss2]
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Member
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
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Oh gosh I want to jump in on this conversation but I have to leave for awhile...will be back in a couple of days I hope and can't wait to talk about all these comments...Love Ya'll!!!
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Dee "They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards
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#206170 - 07/26/10 06:31 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: jabber]
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Member
Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1211
Loc: NJ
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Right after I wrote what I wrote, I saw my son and his wife yesterday. We all had (as usual) the best time talking about our personal lives and general chit chat. (We were celebrating his wife's birthday)
I hinted that maybe one night soon, we can get together for pizza and a movie at our house. They seemed amenable. And I have a tentative date to meet with my DIL for lunch later this week.
Maybe it's true that sons are joined to their wife's family at the hip, no matter what. All I know is...I am so glad I got to see him and hug him yesterday.
Edelweiss: Maybe I should hint about us moving at some point, just to see the look on his face. lol
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Josie
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#206191 - 07/27/10 09:38 PM
Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!!
[Re: Josie]
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Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
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My Mom always used to say:
A son is a son 'til he takes a wife, A daughter's a daughter the rest of her life.
I have a son and a daughter and the above certainly seems to be true here. He seems to clearly prefer her family to ours while she and I are very close and I never have felt she is being pulled away from us.
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