Mammajude, this is tough--and it may be a place where "tough love" is required. You can't make your husband get himself to his doctor or his therapist. In fact, you may have to set clear limits: Either he stays in treatment, or you take measures to protect yourself from his moods and/or destructive behavior.

I had to say in effect to my daughter:
"I love you. I'll do whatever is in my power to see that you get the help you need. I'll pay for treatment and medication. I'll accompany you to appointments if you want. I'll go to a support group. But I won't watch you self-destruct--and I won't subject myself to abuse." It was a tough thing to say, but I knew it was her best hope. She's doing well now--not without bumps in the road--but she's learning, and so am I. Bipolar disorder is highly treatable, but it takes self-motivation and perserverance in the patient.

One caveat: If your husband is psychotic or actively suicidal, get him to a hospital or call the police. But avoid as much drama as you can. The AA people talk about "detachment with love." You can't save anyone from a destructive bipolar spiral any more than you can save them from alcoholism. You can only do your own inner work, pray, go into therapy, take care of your physical health, seek support from friends, and stay available and encouraging. That's a LOT, in itself!

Dotsie, you've mentioned Julie Fast's book several times. I have mixed feelings about it. Mentally ill people do not need to be infantalized. Good therapists don't do it, even when we work in hospitals. We treat the patient as an adult, respect him or her vulnerabilities and strengths, and pay attention to relationship patterns that might need some work. That includes things like self-care for partners like Mammajude, who may be suffering as much as her husband right now.

ALL of us have pockets of health and pathology and genius and darkness within us. When I begin to think of myself as "the sick one" or "the well one" in any relationship (including those with my clients), I know I'm missing something.