You are being way too hard on yourself. He is ill and he won't be rational to you at all times. Trust in the Lord for the strength you need. Take baby steps, you have not gone down this road before. Don't expect that he will not forgive you, he is too sick to comprehend his actions. Love him, do what is best for both of you and trust yourself. When he is better, you can explain if you feel the need to.No one said life was fair. Pray that he will get better, then trust in the father to help you along this path and remember you are never alone.I will pray for you both. I had a husband who had some problems and I tried to "fix" everything for him. He came through it alot better than I did. I also was way too hard on myself, blaming myself. No one ever told me that I was not resposible for everything that happened.