Oh Susannah, what a lovely post. It took me back to holding my babies and it felt so good!

I often think about how much I love my children. Then I think the Lord loves me even more than that. It's hard to believe, but I do. It's the love from Him and the daily communicating with Him that has allowed it to seep within my soul.

When I chose Christ as an adult it was very hard for me to accept this love because my childhood God was one of guilt and judgment. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I learned GOD IS LOVE!

Say, Eagleheart!

I am but a brand new person here in this most wonderful place of gift - giving. So I have no stature with this social gathering - but being a little eaglehearted myself, I feel compelled to respond.

Oh boy;, do I hear you! When I was but 16, I ended up on a rock at about 10,000 feet in Colorado - (it was called Eagle Rock, by the way) and experienced what some call a "transcendtal moment (sp?)", or the "aha" moment, or the light-bulb experience, or as I call it - the "I get it" moment. In a driving rain, I was looking down at the Colorado River at about midnight - and slowly so slowly so slowly, I entered the universe, through the slashing raindrops one by one becoming closer and closer until I could see distance no more, but only raindrops - like when you're driving and snowflakes become the only thing you can see and you must train your eyes to see the road beyond - and the raindrops enveloped me until I could see the one raindrop itself and went inside it, and as I did, the world was known to me. All of the questions that had ever been asked were answered in that space of time. I was in a Place of Full Knowledge and I understood that all was well - through pain and joy, and in all of time, all is well. I didn't then and don't know now exactly how this occurred, but I understand that some people take drugs to get to this place, and some people meditate or pray, but I was just a mere 16 year old searching for answers and not under any kind of influence at all - really just enjoying a rainstorm as I often do (but not at 10,000 feet on a rock at midnight).

Anyway, this was really some experience and I have not been able to duplicate it exactly since then. I am 58 now.

Since then, life has been as always, many things. Terrible grief, great joy, and just humdrum normal existence in between - my point, tho' is this -- somewhere, along the line, I read this (in approximation as I cannot remember where I read it - maybe some of you know) "Before I was enlightened, I carried water. After I was enlightened, I carried water". Life cannot always be the high of an "aha" moment, most of the time, we just have to carry on. And after all, love really is not just a feeling, but a behavior as well.

When some of us feel a "high" of that nature, it is often difficult to live as most people do - but I feel I was given a very special gift (just for being) and so when times are most difficult, I can remember where I was and know that someday, I will return. And life has to be managed in between.

So sometimes, and usually for only a period of time, we feel empty or deprived of a height of joy - but, Eagleheart, it's still there - just postponed for awhile - maybe so that we can get the "love is also a behavior" part down.

Just to let you know, I've done the "behavior" part for a very long time - 28 years with a very sick child - and believe me, things have been despairing too many times - but remembering the Place of Full Knowledge has kept us hopeful and also aspiring. But you know, there's just work to be done, and we have just marched on. I am supposing it is the thing about balance - and all cannot be fulfilling at the moment we desire it...

Thank you for opening your soul, and thank you for listening to my thoughts - I sincerely hope you will find grace and then some words in my ramblings which will give you some strength, some courage, and some hope to enter your self.

First of all, Susannah, I'm so sorry I missed your post earlier...I was on the road on the 8th, and this must have slipped off the Daily Topics list by the time I signed on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I know that somewhere in my mind is a wealth of love...I remember feeling that surge of great tenderness and affection...I especially remember feeling profoundly in love with God. I can't seem to get in there again...it's as if I know there's an incredibly beautiful room in my house, but I can't find the key to get in. It's been like this since my Mom died four years ago. The only way to describe it is that I feel dead inside. But I know that I'm NOT dead, that my ability to love and feel love is not gone forever, that this is still part of my grief journey, and that I'm on the verge of finding my way back into feeling again.

But just last week I had a "flash" of profound love for my husband...it was delicious, but fleeting. But at least I know it's still in there. I just have to continue to be patient and fill my mind with the wisdom and good news that women like you continue to share with me.

Searcher, thank you for sharing your story...it was very inspiring, especially since we were just driving along some of the Laurentian mountains (in Quebec Canada) this afternoon. They were alive with the colours of fall and I found myself aching to be at the top. But there were places to go and people to see and being at the top of the mountain wasn't on the agenda today. I guess that's really it in a nutshell, isn't it! We spend brief and glorious moments on the mountaintop, long dark nights in the valleys of the shadows of death, and the rest of the time somewhere in between, as you say, managing what work and needs beg to be done and tended to.

I'm grateful that you responded with your "brand-new" presence and wisdom. Thank you for caring and thank you for inspiring me to remember those mountaintop moments as the candles that comfort me through the shadow moments.

Eagle Heart!

I'm a little embarrassed that I have spent this entire day on and off this site. But I must admit that it has been somewhat of an emotional day for me. And don't you just hate that? Or love that? It surely "caused" (like the devil)me to have Chocolate cake for supper!

But I cannot help noticing that in several of your posts, you have mentioned that this desert of emotions or "flattening of affect" has occurred since your mother's death. I recently lost my daughter and in 1989 lost my mother; in 1992 I lost my father.... So, I can relate in some sense. I am just wondering -- what in your life with your mother was more? More than just (if there ever is a just in mother-type relationships) momma - was she the only one who allowed you to feel unabandoned joy? Was she the only one with whom you could feel totally safe? Was she the only one for some feeling? Maybe there were unresolved tensions between you and your mother - certainly were in my case, even tho' I loved her soooooo much. I am merely suggesting that some of this must be tied to your mother in some way, since you have mentioned her a number of times......food for thought.

I also noticed that you were "aching" to be at the top - could you be feeling a little trapped, or consumed by things that need to be done today? What prevented you from getting out of the car and going to the top? Something did. You must know that because my daughter could never be left alone for health reasons, I was physically prevented (or morally, ethically, spiritually) prevented from walking up the mountain on my own two feet and today because of so many years, I'm not sure I'd make up a mountain side, but I'm telling you - if it were possible, I would walk straight up that mountain with you. I live in Idaho today and because my "Schniki" (as I sometimes used to call her, tho' she hated it) is no longer under the constraints of this world, she would go happily with us and we could have "the world at our feet" together. Well, here's an interesting thought - how about a summit climbing event in the future representing our will and desire to leave the bonds of self doubt, our age, our pasts? A spiritual trek to affirm all of our selves, the selves of our children and grandchildren - the selves of family, and country? Our world? We could all do this as members of Boomer Women! I am thinking we could train for a short mountain (maybe Everest is a little too tall a goal) And maybe not ones in Idaho either or Montana (altho' there are some not-so-tall mountains in the Rockies) but certainly the idea of reaching the top of something, the ability to see the big picture, the idea that we will do it together, to have space for a vision and the bond to make it happen! Whaddya think? It would surely be a huge undertaking, but what a statement!!!! And also a whole lot of fun.

Well, I suppose I've outwelcomed my welcome today, but I am really serious about this idea - sometimes you just need to take an air balloon ride to reaffirm your faith in this world....

Searcher, I want to respond to this, but am in Montreal, preparing to go lay laminate flooring on my stepdaughter's new basement floor. So I want to wait until later this evening when I'll have more time to put my thoughts (and gratitude) into more meaningful words than I could do right now (hubby's waiting at the door!)

You have NOT worn out your welcome...your wisdom and thoughts are thoroughly appreciated and I thank you for sharing them. I'll be back later this evening to respond better...I just didn't want you to go the whole day thinking I wasn't responding because you had "worn out your welcome"...that's very unlikely to happen here!

Searcher, your questions about the "flattening effect"'s connection to my Mom's death has been stewing around in the back of my mind all day. And having been on my knees most of the day (laying laminate flooring), I've also been realizing anew that one doesn't have to actually climb a mountain to have a mountaintop experience.

I don't have all the answers to the first questions. What does my Mom most represent to me? First and foremost, since Dad and Mom's deaths, our family has forever irrevocably changed, and that still hurts. Nothing is the same, and nothing will ever be the same. And I miss my family the way we used to be. I know I have to move on, and in some "outward appearance" ways, I have. We all have, and have managed to carve out a new niche and a new way to be family without them. But it's still so full of aching holes that being together is still more of a reminder of what's missing than a joy for all that we still are. Hopefully we're making our way through to that other side of joy. But I suspect that part of what lay behind our cancellation of this years annual Thanksgiving family reunion was because I'm not the only one feeling worn out by the agony of absence.

And yes, there are lots of regrets and unresolved hurt. I'm not going to go into them because some of the women here have heard me weep my heart out "ad nauseum" about some of those regrets. Those too I'm working myself through to the other side of letting go and moving forward. Three steps forward, two steps back...but at least I'm moving in the right direction, thanks to the incredible wisdom and support the women here have provided over the past few months.

An interesting sidenote here is that I only just noticed tonight how much it hurts sometimes to hear the Moms on these forums talk about how much they love and look forward to having their children come home...I never knew for sure if my Mom felt that way, but she probably did...and it hurts because I didn't know that...how could I have been so blind to how much she truly loved me! It's only since her death that I'm realizing how profound her love for me was...how sad that I missed seeing it while she was still alive.

Anyway, I'm physically and emotionally exhausted right now, from a very long day of both laying floor and pondering these regrets and other Mom-stuff. I have to go and relax. But I do value your insights and hope you feel free to continue sharing your wisdom to me...in many ways, I continue to be quite lost and baffled in regard to this continuing grief, despite theoretically knowing enough that I ought to be able to get myself through and out and onto the other side. But it's still slow going, like slogging through a binding blizzard in an endless desert.

Eagle Heart,

Firstly, thank you so very much for your response - esp. since you've been working so hard today and you must be dog tired; I confess, I probably would have said, "I think I'll just get to her tomorrow". And really, I thought it was so nice of you to post this morning just to quell my fears. If you are generally this concerned for people you barely have met, I cannot imagine how busy your mind and your life must be with all those who are long time friends and family! What a kind person you are.

As I was reading your reply, I couldn't help thinking that I'm really having the very same difficulties - it's just that it's my daughter now and not so much my mother. I honestly haven't decided what in the world my son and I are going to do for the holidays, we certainly can't be at home just the two of us. If I win the lottery, we'll go to a ski resort, if not, I'll just have to find a whole bunch of people to invite over. In past years, my extended family all lived nearby, then they all graduated, moved away, found jobs elsewhere, Mom and Dad passed on, and holidays changed. Since that time, my son has always had enough friends who were away from home that our house was always full - but now, most of those young people have found mates, or moved away also, so this year I might just have to invite people from nursing homes or something...well, we'll find a way. But I so understand that things will never, never be the same among any of us and this is REALLY hard to wrap your mind around.

It sounds like your parents were the "glue" of your family and without them, it's just a little easier to avoid the family holiday and inevitable tensions they always bring, being good or bad. And it's kind of like another loss - well, it is another loss - the loss of connections, of traditions, rituals that so ground us - familiarity, sameness, and of course the absence of the ones we love. I don't think you should feel one bit like you "should" be moving on faster or "letting go" in a better way, people grieve (did I spell that right, it doesn't look right) at their own pace and have different things to grieve about. It is NOT as some people would like to believe - well, it's been 6 months now, you should be getting over this - or it's been 2 years now and you should be better than you are, or what is your problem that you can't move on? It's only people who are not being truthful about their death experience or people who have not experienced this at all who say these ridiculous things. Just for instance - since my girl (her name is Nichole - I guess I can divulge that since she has passed on - and by the way, I hate all those terms - "she is no longer with us", "she has passed on" etc., I just haven't decided what I want to say instead) and I had to spend almost our entire lives "velcroed" to each other because of her illness so should my experience be the same as if she were like my son? Healthy and able to go about his world on his own or with friends? Of course not - I mean EACH person for whom we grieve has a different role in our lives and we must mourn them for that very special role. So I am sure you and your mom had a unique relationship which was different from any other of your siblings or anyone else and you need to mourn her as you need to mourn her however long that takes. One thing I know for sure - it is not in your power or anyone else's to hurry this process. It IS a process and has to be gone through with each of it's stages one by one. And to each stages' resolution or the outcome is never as complete as it could have been.

If you have read Elisabeth Kubbler Ross on Death and Dying,it might be nice to refresh your memory, or if you have not, then she is the most revered of women who have written on this subject - hers is the standard by which all else measured. (AT least in the world of psychology)

I myself am constantly reminding me, to take my time, feel this pain, try, try to relax and "go" with it. This reminds me of childbirth as a matter of fact - the more upset and tense I get about it, the worse it is - so do the breathing, go with the pain, let it ebb and flow, understand that it's painful, and then in the end, a new baby! Us! as new babies....

We are giving birth to our transformed selves right now. And it takes a different amount of time for each, a different approach, a different number of contractions and on and on....

I think I just helped myself just now - tee hee isn't life funny?

Well, we can certainly help each other - believe me, I'm not over this by a very long shot. Just getting started really. One thing that I think is probably a good thing is that one of my best friends for 28 years lost her son 2 months before my Nichole died. Well, I need to rephrase that - since she did lose her son and I lost my daughter in such a close time frame, we have been able to express our feelings, our innermost confidential feelings, without fear of reprisement or judgement. Her son was ill also with a very rare blood vessel disease and in the end, just kept having strokes until he died. But before Nichole died, my friend went to a bereavment group and found comfort there. I have not - since I had my good friend to talk to, but maybe that might be an option for you? In any case, we can talk all we need to and befriend one another. And certainly I can be all off track - maybe it's something not even related to the grief of your mother, it just appeared that way to me since I noticed that you mentioned all this started at the time of her death.

But, hey, I'm not very thin-skinned so you can tell me that I'm off in some other crazy world and don't know one thing I'm talking about, so I should just close my mouth and be quiet! And I will and just figure OOPs wrong again....

In any case, it's a pleasure to correspond with you and I look forward to our future conversations.

(Am I taking up too much space on these things? I'm really so long winded..)

Searcher

Searcher, I'm really enjoying your posts. I'm on the run again this morning (the rest of the flooring to lay today), so can't chat too long. You're right on with everything you've said here. I do believe that my continuing inertia is all about Mom and family. Can't put my finger on all of the "why", but all that you share about the loss of family traditions etc is exactly one of the facets I've been struggling with.

I'd like to continue chatting with you. As for taking up too much space, ask anyone here, they'll tell you how long-winded I've been in the recent past...they've put up with mr ramblings, so I guess it must be okay...it's okay to be who we are. That's a nice (healing) change, isn't it!

I'll try to get back here tonight...but it's not my computer and I kind of hogged it last night, so might not be able to get back on until tomorrow morning.

Searcher, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your posts. No, you're not long-winded, because you are saying things of value. I haven't posted in this topic earlier because I don't have any similar experiences with loss.