I've been having bad days in regards to my aunt's passing, in September. I need to break down and sob until I'm drained but I promised her I wouldn't. She told me she wanted me to celebrate that she was with her husband and other loved ones who had died. So, I'm trying to keep my promise to her but I find that I just can't heal. I think about her every night before I go to sleep and ask God to tell her I love and miss her. My heart is breaking I miss her so much. I don't get to talk to her once a week anymore and hear her sweet voice and hear her tell me how much she loves me. I run the pictures through my mind of the moment she died and I run the moment two days before she died when she held my hand and told me I was the most loving, kind and beautiful person she'd ever known. I hurt so much! I don't know what to do. Tears come to my eyes and I stop them. She so badly wanted to go to heaven and be with her Lord. So badly. Her body gave out but her mind never dulled. She couldn't do the things she loved to do anymore and with a working mind, it made her crazy. She told me this was not a life she wanted to lead. But, I can't move forward. I'm stuck in grief. I need you to help me. Please. I just hurt so much.

Dianne, Yours is the most tender post I've read since I joined the forum. It hasn't been long since your aunt passed away and you have been strong. You miss her terribly yet it is very important that you keep your promise to her.Part of the healing process for some is to let it out, until drained, as you said. I could tell you to cry and ask your aunt for forgiveness or I could say stay strong, you'll get through it. I wish I had the answer to fix it but I don't.
If you break your promise, will you feel like you let her down? My guess is yes. My heart goes out to you.I can read the pain in your post so much that I want to cry your tears for you. I will pray very hard for you to find a way to grieve for your aunt and keep your promise. She said you were the most loving, kind and beautiful person she'd ever known. She knew what she was talking about.
Tonight my prayers are for you to find peace in your turmoil.
God Bless You.

Andria

Dianne,
I agree with Nancy and Chickadee. Is there some way you can celebrate some of the things you did together? Putting pictures in a scrapbook, visiting places you've gone together and remembering those good times. Of course writing it all out too helps with the grieving process.
Maggie

I'm unable to go there. Can't look at pictures of her. It hurts too much.

She was a mother to me and my sister when our own mother couldn't or wouldn't be.

Deaest Dianne, my heart goes out to you. I'm sad that you feel this way but know that with God and time your young pain will dull. Keeping her memories fresh in your mind keeps her alive in your heart. I guess it's like working out for the first time in a long time; your muscles ache but soon you become accustomed to it and enjoy the benefits of it. You enjoy the blessing that she was to you by keeping her in your heart.

I was finally able to put a picture of my beloved grandmother/mother up after 3 years. I know the pain. It was just unbearable to see her and not be able to call, visit or especially hug her. I'm not saying that the pain isn't there when I view her pics, it's just a bit bearable now. I mostly enjoy the dreams I have of her. Even in my dreams, she's still feeding me love, food for thought and even warnings (I'm sure that's my subconscious).

If you cry, I'm sure your aunt could understand that you're human, a compassionate one that loves and misses her. She sounds like the type of woman that could understand your pain and loss. I say weep and do it deeply from where the pain is. Let it out. That is what tears are made for. When you're done, don't feel bad because it is only natural to feel that way and express it. Ask your God about it.

God bless you.

[ February 02, 2005, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

I feel so selfish because I know how happy she is. I'm selfish because I don't have that special woman who loved me so much, to talk to about anything. She understood everything I told her. She always had the right answer.

I am surrounded by things she gave me. A glass angel, an angel mouse pad, a butterfly stand. After reading your posts, I pulled a framed picture of her from the back of my office shelf, where I hid it because I didn't want to look at it. It's now sitting by my monitor and although I can feel the tears start when I force myself to glance at it, I'm trying to concentrate on the love that comes from it. I'm trying to remember the things we talked about two days before her death and how we laughed. It's that wonderful laugh of hers that I miss so much. We laughed all the time.

I did sit by her bed while waiting for the mortuary to pick her up for her last ride from home and talked to her and thanked her for everything she'd done for me and how much she meant to me and how she changed my life. I believe she was listening. But, when the hearse pulled into the driveway and told us we should probably go on the back porch, I mistakenly leaned around a corner and saw the hearse pulling away. I haven't been the same since then.

Dianne, yes! That's how you do it. Face it. You've dealt with pain before, although probably none of this magnitude. However, burying it or hiding it just will not make it go away.

I'm not suggesting that you do this right now, but I did this: I took a few hours out one day with no interruptions and just relived precious moments and looked at those very pictures that caused me so much pain. I relished our moments. Since I intentionally did this and knew that part of the outcome was going to be niagra like tears, I put the Puffs in reach. That very evening, I had a wonderful dream of her. We sat in what was, as defined by a dream, I guess, what looked like our kitchen. The variation was that the breakfast bar in our house was full of beautiful flowers and vines. She washed dishes and I sat listening to her speak to me.

I woke up happy and fulfilled. I anticipate dreams of her because it's like an extension of our time together. Dianne, I've even had the pleasure of her visiting my dreams when times were hard and I needed answers. I guess that could be attributed to my subconscious mind retelling me what she would have said or maybe had said while she was alive. I'm no dream interpretor but it sure made since to me and it felt good.

Relax and let her into your dreams. You'll love that too. Let me know when you do have one. Those are just beautiful.

It's unfortunate that you had to see the car pull away with her, but maybe not. Maybe that put some closure to this for you and you don't even understand it yet. In my old age here I'm beginning to understand that saying that God doesn't put more than we can bare on us. Do you feel this way?

You're a writer, right? Writing has a dual purpose for most of us, or more. One day you'll be able to write about your experience with her. Maybe not for publication but as another form of healing. My first experience in writing about this painful event was during a college writing assignment. The professor asked the simple question; "Who has been the most influential person in your life?" "Why?"

I knew that answer immediately but tried very hard to avoid writing about my grandmother. But, the reality was there, she was the most influential, on a personal and professional level. I ended up with way more pages than needed for the short assignment. I kept that but edited one to hand in. The one I kept became my journal of my love and gratitude for my dearly beloved grandmother.

You can do the same, be it assigned or not, one day. It is therapuetic and you do know alot about that:) In time and in God, you are going to be okay, OKAY?

Love

[ February 02, 2005, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

I haven't had one single dream about her or with her in it. Isn't that strange? I must be really blocked.

Did you ever talk to your grandmother about letting you know she's okay? My aunt and I decided that if she could give me a sign and if she thought it was necessary, it would involve a Butterfly Bush. Maybe that sounds silly and maybe she just agreed to make me feel better.

She was so ready to go. After she was placed under Hospice Care, I immediately flew to Atlanta because the nurse said she probably wouldn't make it past the week end. She was so thrilled to finally be dying! She told me, "Dianne, I don't have a dress for a funeral," meaning her own funeral. So, I told her I'd get her one and we discussed what she wanted. I was so brave then. I'm not now. I don't know how I went shopping and didn't just lose it in the store. Bought her a beautiful powder blue suit with long sleeves...she insisted on long sleeves. Didn't want her arms to show. Women...we're so vain! She had a light pink coffin, just what she would have loved. And, she looked beautiful in her new suit. Just beautiful with her white hair.

Okay, this is so morose. I'm sorry. I'm thinking out loud. I will try the time alone when I'm ready. Not sure I'm ready yet. I feel like I'm just too raw to do that right now.

...and one more thing, Dearest Dianne. Can you think of all of the other things throughout your life time you've shed tears for and look back on? Were those tears as worthy as this? NO! After you cry, you smile and keep your head up just the way your aunt wanted and willed you to do. It is okay.