for those of you that have lost a parent or both of them is their something you do on their birthfays or the aniversiry of their death that marks the day but dosn't overwhelm or consume the whole day.

my mum diead on boxing day back a bit. So at the time of her passing i am out in the countrie or in the house i always try to get a wee quite prayer for half an hour or so...then i am free but sad, not overwheingly so, for the rest of the day. Boxing days strange becouse everyone going through the whole christmass celibrasion and as you know its good and bad for people at christmass. Pitie its one date i can't forgett...it be possible any normal day of the year as i am bad with dates.
Birthdays, i don't know what to do to mark it in a way apart from just a quite happie birthday.

I was wonderring what you ladies done as it still a big issue with my sis she still inconsolible after all this time and i running out of things to say to her. She even been to counselling she having a hard time in her life at the minuet and i thnk that the idea that if mum was heer it all be much better. Unfortunitly what she is facing wouln't couldn't be better even if mum was alive....

i got a close frend who always gets down when its their mums aniversariy and birthday which happen in the same mounth....it's this mounth.

I gess i was hoping if you ladies shared i could get maybee a few ideas of what to do for the best based on some of your ways of dealing and coping with theas situasionsand your experinces.

so what do you do at thes times to comphort, rember but stay functioning at theas times?
What do you do or share with your frends when they in same situasion?

thanks celtic

Celtic, My Mom passed on Christmas Day night several years ago. Everyone said it was a bad time because of the date. I disagreed with them by saying this. "Mom's memories will be closer to me more on this day 'because' it is the date of her passing." I don't get down, I celebrate - with precious memories. I take the evening to reminise, look at pictures and chat quietly (in my mind) with her.

This year, as silly as it sounds, I smelled her Chanel No 5 at the exact time of her passing. I believe it was a sign that she is always here for me.

Mom's birthday is March 28th and I am not near where she is buried but our family puts flowers on the grave and visit. I remember her in my heart, not only on these two days but practically every day. Mom and I were best friends.

I am sorry to hear that your sister is having such a difficult time. I think your sister needs to grieve in her own way and for as long as it takes.

How long has it been that your Mom passed? Were they very close or is she feeling guilty about anything? Is she telling you everything?

I have a friend who lost her husband and I bring up his name and talk about him all the time. She is grateful for that. Many times people avoid talking about those who have passed and even avoid visiting because they are unsure how to handle the situation.

Maybe there's some books that others here can refer you to that you can get for your sister. I will keep your sis in prayer for peace.

chick

Chick I can understand. My father died a week before Christmas.

My father's presence is always there for me. That's why his anniversary date is no more different than any other day, because I often talk to him in my thoughts.

I'm not one who feels a special closeness to the deceased when at the cemetery. Looking at a photo album, or like Chick says, smelling a scent, brings me thousands of heart beats closer than when I'm standing at the grave. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I can see my father. I have his eyes, and my son's inherited his eyes too.

Our parents live through us. We carry their genes in us. I find that thought comforting. Maybe if you explain it to your sister that way. I know there are excellent books on how to mourn or deal the loss of a loved one. Maybe it could help your sister. But just being there for her, and talking about the times with your Dad can make you feel warm and happy inside. I know it's that way when I'm with my brother and we talk. But we don't always talk about the good things, there were things that we didn't understand either…but if anything, it bonds my brother and me all the more.

My sisters troubles is she 3 kids the middle on is without a disorder. The eldest is aspergers syndrom, the youngest has quite sever autisum, little language abilitie still in nappies. She very depressed generillie but thinks if mum was alive she would cope with this better as their be more help....She lives by her hubbies parents who give her a great amount of support and practicale help.

My mum diead suddenly but had ill health for a good while before she diead we never thought she would die as suddenly as she did. She was close to my sis as they saw each other dailie....you know i think its something to do with the nurturing she felt from mum and in some way craves that sence of saftie now. As far as i know their no guilt or such is more about what i just said.

I have belife in afterlife and i have experinces of and know mum happier healthier weer she is. Its been 8 years and my sis greaves her dailie to the point that she not letting go in some sences it getting worse for her. I let my sis bleather away as much as she wants about mum but gently try and guide her onwards...

Dads engaged so thats cousing big trouble in familie. The womans ok but strange at the same time my sis convinces she after dad for his monie etc.....i only know dads happier and has companionship etc so i happie for him but talking to dad about mum reallie strange i know he feels torn about mum and his feeling for his fiancie....

isent it great not to need to go to gravyard to feel the love of ones we cared about, ie your smells of perfume etc....I luckie in my belifes and wee abilities it brings me a great comphort...

do you know ladies i have a new slant on christmass death the bisiness of the time etc maybee in some ways makes it easier. I always try to focus on making everyone else comphortable ....and have a wee time for remberences so not to interfear with everyone elses celibration...it works for me and keeps me grounded...

my sis getting lost in the grief and as i say it worsening....she such a graveyard person traditional in manie respects and also in religouse ways etc.

celtic

sorrie i got disturbed their....its also pos mums birthday. Po's "the child" youngest of the familie in some ways becouse of their shared sentimentalitie and grieff po better at relating to my sister about thease things and attitudes to death and griving i can listen and support but i don't share the attitudes,as i have said. Me and mum weer not talking to each other when she dieasd but we made our amends to each other, i shifted my initiol guilt.

its seeing sis in such pain i get to feel sorrie I am not closer physicallie to her.....however yea i help and i have a way of making her laugh even when she dosent want to and i hug the life into her which i don't think she gets enough of even though her hubbie a good man (he might be aspergers too but undiognosed, it passs along the male gene)affection adn physical affection just not rated enough i think in terms of importances.

so my po cleaning, thats one of the ways she copes, i alreadie asked her is their anything i can do to help her with this day but she can't think of anything. Sometimes its just important to let people be with their feelings...i think

celtic

celtic, I am so sorry for your sister's pain. She has a very heavy load with two of her children. If she was close to yur mom, I can see why she must yearn for her. Does your sis have a support system around her? Who helps her care for her children?

What is boxing day?

To answer your question. Here are a few things I do.

While some of you don't find much comfort in visiting the cemetery, I do. Here's why - it's a time I set apart to be with Mom only. All other distractions leave me. IT's a beautiful cemetery that is right next to a golf course so it's just a lovely, quiet setting. I always take her fresh flowers and while I'm there, I write her a letter. I always end up in tears because she was a stay at home mom who was 110% devoted to her family. She gave up her independence for her husband and five children.

Another thing we try to do is gather as a family on the anniversary of her death whicih is St. Patrick's Day. My maiden name is McNamara so we know why God brought her to Him on that day. Very special and very cool, especially since hospice thougth she was going to die at least 10 days prior. When she died, we knew why God waited. So this year, everyone is coming to my home for a corned beef and cabbage feast. There will be lots of tacky green shamrock pins, hats and beads, etc. Mom will be dancing the streets of heaven celebrating with us on the other side.

yea i like the idea of a st paddie day celibrasion on the other side.

sorrie boxing day is december the 26th. it is the day that the christmass presents weer to be open as in the olden days christmass was keeped as a holie day all about christ...now its just another holiday off work as presents get open christmass day...Another cultural assomption that we all knew that word.

my sis hubbie mum and dad help, its the other set of grandparents. My sis dose and dosent get on with them if you know what i mean. She a very strong willed typical italion mother and rules her boys. (my sis husband)My mum was prettie similare in that respect but it feels diffrent if it your own mum being directive than your mum in law, i think...She dosen't have enough support around her...the kids take up all her time as the youngest needs intense care so she dosent socialize outside familie and dosent have real close frends. AT the minet she too depressed to make or sustain a frendship.

That time at grave being an extended visite is a reallie good idea especiallie the letter

Hello everyone, this is an emotinally moving discussion. Dotsie, thanks for sharing what you do on the anniversary. Letters are such a good and cathartic way of coping. Celtic, your sister has so much to deal with! I wonder if she even had time to grieve what with all she has to handle. As a woman with an Italian lineage, I can agree with what you said about matriarchal Italian women and their relationships with their sons. What are you saying about Pop and her mother's birthday? Is her mom deceased also? And, Celtic, what did you mean by you were not talking with your mum when she died but you have made amends? If you don't mind saying. PL

Hi Princess, as Celtic mentioned, yes, my mum passed nearly ten years ago. It was her birthday on the 10th Mar...three days after mine, and a couple of weeks to mothering Sunday...so march can be a pretty somber month for me. I spoke with her the year befor she passed and she asked me if she was dying. While everyone else wouldn't give her permission to let go and make her peace...that was one thing I knew I could do for her. We said all we needed to say and put an awful lot of past hurt to bed...I was so grateful for that.

For some time after her death, one of the little things I did to always keep her close was to place little notes about my home with sweet, soft memories about her written on them. So maybe on a down day, when I would clean until I was exausted(not wishing to face the pain)...I would find a note or two in the oddest of places and just cry.
It is different every year in terms of how I feel...this year, I missed her bad and yearned to have her about at a time when my life is changing for the better and beyond what she ever saw...that realy gets me for some reason.

I guess I always felt that I never made her proud when she was alive as we to the most had a strained relationship. Everything is so totally different..and for the better I might say. I also get sad because Mum didn't get to meet or know Celtic or the Ba...she would have been mad about them...I just know.
I know she is with me in spirit...but I can't touch her spirit...or hug it! I talk inncessantly from time to time with her...I hear her voice echo in my head when I have done something, or said something. We were very alike in personality traits...but then all of my sisters feel the need to claim the same. I just get lonely for her is all.
I will let Celt tell you about her stuff.

Popea

hi princesds good to see ya

for me making amends is appologising....then being mindfull and not doing again the thing that you have previouslie appologised about. So i never fall out with any familie member for whatever reason, in this case.

Praying or addressing disencarnet spirite i think, still reachies them weathers its prayer or thought. So on my part the right stuff has been done.

Now heer the controversal part that i sure not all of you will agree on but spirite can also communicated with us in a variety of ways, ie the others above with smelling perfume etc. others see spirite or heer them etc. So i know my appoligie was accepted and one given in return. So for some years after my mums death we weer closer than when she was alive. simple reallie lol. I think i have a sence of self protection and i don't wanna start a row over this subject...weather its accepted or sinfull etc that i tend to keep quite about it. I sometimes don't know weather to say or not say if you know what i meen.

celtic