My son called me yesterday to tell me that his uncle (the brother of the husband of mine that couldn't keep his pants zipped) had gone for the usual evening walk with his wife of 25 years, after dinner, and told her, "I've never loved you and I sure don't now. I should get an award for pretending so well all of these years. I want out of the marriage."

This man is one who my kids always wanted to emulate as a spouse and parent. Sweet, kind, gentle, churgh going, loving...you name it. All good, no bad. And now, this! My kids are hurt and blown away by this so you can imagine what his own three children feel...not to mention his wife.

I immediately thought--another woman and sure enough, his wife did find an email from some woman who belongs to his backpacking club, telling him how much fun she had and how she missed him.

He's always been so quiet and soft spoken. But then, there's his brother and from what I've heard, his dad too, who just recently passed away. Does the death of a parent bring on these feelings. "My parents were never that happy and now, dad is dead and mom is left, old and with few happy memories?" I'm just so sad about this.

I used to believe in male menopause but now I'm leaning toward men who have low self-esteem and are aging and begin to panic that they aren't desirable to the opposite sex anymore.

It's calle Andropause in men.

Here are some links describing it:
http://www.wellnessmd.com/andropause.html

http://www.menweb.org/menopaus.htm

http://www.andrology.com/andropause.htm

As for your "ex" brother-in-law, how absolutely horrible. I think he's going through a mid life crisis and probably exasorbated by the death of his father. He might be feeling that he has little time left and wants to sow his wild oats before he dies.

Men are so fickle. How can he possibly tell this woman that he never loved her for their 25 year marriage? What the heck was he doing all that time? Could he really be that shallow and heartless?

My sympathies go with his wife and the children.

(I hope Chatty's testosterone alarm doesn't go off and get me kicked off here cause I sound like a male, butttt... )

Sometimes I wonder if we don't get so tangled up in the chaos of our own hormones that we overlook the confusion in our male partners. Our complaints about our sagging boobs and wrinkles around our eyes must seem pretty superficial to the guys who fear loss of the sexuality and virility that has defined them all their lives.
We may complain about loss of libido, but what if we had to deal with loss of ability? We can hide our lack of libido, but a guy who is impotent can't even 'fake' it. I'm sure these guys fear that. And fear coupled with the hormone storms that occur around andropause, and menopause, could result in the concept of "sowing wild oats" before it's too late.

At midlife when women's bodies are changing, so are men's.

Thanks Vicki for reminding us that we're not the only ones going through a hormone storm.

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Heavens, I have no control over who stays and who goes around this site, that much stress I can do without....NOW, for the post at hand. For a man to say this kind of thing to his wife of 25 years screams out to me that he has been living a lie. I don't mean he just now started cheating but that he has been very carefully, quietly and deceptively cheating all along. Remembering that I have the inside scoop on this type of behavior due to the countless males that confide in me,(thinking me on their side, silly fools.) What happens is they go along quietly sneaking here and there and everyone around them thinks them the ideal husband and father etc. There are so many of these men living this lie you would die if you knew how many. Then one day for some reason they snap, they don't always want to admit they are bastards so they say something else just like Diannes relative did. He said he never loved his wife and so on and so forth...not the case! But now he has found someone he loves MORE, someone who excites his male ego MORE and I bet she's younger as well. This is so sad for the entire family and these men have no idea or concern of the devastation it causes AND you can all say that they go through male "cheatopause" or whatever you call it but if that were true than every man when that reached 40 something would go beserk and they don't. Some are good men, loyal men, honest men and God bless those men. I believe that when God removed Adams rib to create woman, he replaced it with whatever was handy and in some cases he used a rat, a jackal or a skunks bone....Wake up ladies, most men (not all) are pigs, some hide it better, longer, but Pigs they are and nothing will change that not the best most beautiful wife on the planet...If I have learned nothing else from my 20 years experience of men confiding in me its that....the bad far outweigh the good. It just takes longer sometimes for them to show their true facs. I know of men who cheated whenever possible all their lives, died and their wives still don't know the truth. These are not phone fantasy customers either they are men I know and know well for one reason or another. Whats sad, but maybe good in one respect is the wives never knew and sometimes I guess, ignorance is bliss!?

For those of you who don't believe that a man can fool his wife and family for most of their years together, I offer as a perfect example the BTK serial killer recently apprehended in Wichita Kansas....He was married to the same woman for 34 years who thought him a kind a gentle husband, his two chldren still say he was an excellent father, he was President of his Church for many years and they all say he was a wonderful giving and dependable man. He was a cub scout leader, security company supervisor and then worked as a census taker and in some other rersponsible city job. In his spare time he was torturing, strangling and killing for sexual satisfaction and to bolster his fantasy life. Now I ask you do you believe me now that it can be done and it is done, not the killing part but the cheating part and its not as hard as you might think...scary huh??

So, he might have been a pig all along and nobody knew it. Hmmm. I just don't understand why he had to be so cruel in his words to his wife. No call for that. Not like she won't be devastated enough.

So Chatty, do you feel that all or most men cheat? I read somewhere that 80% of married men have cheated. It amazes me.

At least half my friends are men and I am married to one so I have to defend the male of the species a little. I know there are a lot of men who live secret lives of deception and perversion, but it's not limited to males. Females too lead secret lives. And as humans, we all need to trust each other in order to get through life.

It is frightening to know that BTK was never recognized as a murderer by any of those closest to him, but surely that type of deception is not the norm and I wonder if there were signs that his family chose to ignore.

When I see that type of horrific news on TV every day, I know in my heart that only the the miraculous love of God can give me the strength to find the good in myself and look for it in all of God's creatures. I'll keep looking for it and if something gets past me, I'm probably better for it.
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Dianne I would like to think not, but all the evidence points to the 80% being correct. Smile this man Dennis Raider BTK, fooled everyone even the 'men' closest to him, his fellow workers and his Pastor with whom he worked very closely. He fooled them all, as did Bundy, Gasey (I knew him personally) and many ohers. NO one saw this coming. I was devistated in my earlier years before I even knew there was such a thing as phone fantasy, by men I knew coming on to me or seeing these men away from their familys with other women. I unfortunately knew more than I ever wanted to about these men. All I can say is God Bless the 20% and nhope none of you ever has to go through knowing the man you love is a slug! Dianne, he was vicious to her because he doesn't like himself very much and attacking her makes him feel better also some men are mean because they want the women they have scorned to hate them and never bother them again, men hate scenes, the crying and begging. Not sure why but lets face it, this entire cheating thing boggles the mind. I have gathered this information right from the horses mouths so to speak...

On a related issue;
I'm no authority on infidelity, but I have read some recent research that indicates the rates of infidelity reported by both males and females is meeting in the middle.

The most recent and reliable research for infidelity indicates that 70% of males are unfaithful while 40% of females are unfaithful with females less likely to report and the rate of infidelity among males declining while the rate among females is increasing. I don't believe every thing I read, but I've read that in several journals so it appears to be true.

Recent advances in DNA have also implicated females in infidelity, not only in humans, but in animals. Previously females of various animal species, especially birds, thought to mate for life and to only bear offspring of their mates turned out to be laying eggs fertilized by other males. That is also being borne out among humans in paternity suits. It seems that with DNA testing, more and more babies are proven to come from extramarital affairs than previously suspected.

All that said, just because it happens does not justify it. But to stereotype men as all bad is wrong too.
Seems to me that we're just all human. Males and females are subject to the same temptations and we can all succumb to the same weaknesses no matter what our sex.
There is no defense for either men or women who are unfaithful, perverts, or murderers, but sin is sin for both males and females and it is not confined to either sex.
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As to BTK, he and his ilk must be some sort of animal species created by Satan.

From personal experience, I can tell you that there is male menopause and there is "mid life crisis" however, there is also mental illness that looks like either or both. For several years leading up to my husband's 40th, I knew there was something amiss. You describe your brother in law as soft spoken and kind and devoted, well that would describe my husband until what I thought was mid life crisis or something. That something turned out to be the onset of mania. He said and did things that I never believed possible....he was a man completely transformed into some creature I didn't recognize. Eventually, and I won't bore you with the gruesome details, the person I had known for nearly 20 years re-emerged.

Now I'm not suggesting that every man who goes through mid life or men-opause is nuts (I know politically incorrect) however, I have to wonder, in light of all we've learned about the power of hormones and brain chemistry, if the changes in male hormones trigger this all too frequent change in male behavior at mid life. Perhaps hormone replacement for men approaching 40 should be considered.