Right now I am going thru many emotions...which I am sure many others have also felt.

I am going to turn 40 June 22nd. I thought turning 30 was the "end of the world"--turning 40 is going to be much more emotional. It is definitely going to be a new era in my life.

The past few years I've fought wanting to have a baby so desperately. Right now I've stuffed that idea & emotion way down inside.....if I think about it I start to cry. I know it is never going to happen & that kills me.

There are times I get so scared of being alone when I get older. I see myself in this house--not knowing who will help me--not knowing how I will be able to pay for everything.

I should be enjoying my life---making the most of what I have---finding new things to enjoy. But instead these are the things I worry about.

I lost my best friend about 2 years ago. She's lost her sanity and hasn't come back to earth yet!
She is in the middle of a nasty divorce--acting the victim--blaming others--when she caused most of the problems. She made choices I didn't agree with---and is still with this man she chose over her husband. He fully controls her--mentally--physically---she's lost all her friends and family. Yet she acts as tho she is the victim & sees nothing wrong in how this other loser treats her. She's chosen him over her children--family & friends.

On top of all this the stress from all the years of having to take care of my mom & grandmother--work full time---and take care of everyone except myself--I started having panic attacks.

I am taking medication---but I don't think it is working as well now. I just feel so helpless some days---and just want to climb into bed & cry all day.

I want to be happy again---but I feel the negativity creeping in more and more......and I can't make it go away. I don't like it.

I am also scared at what is to come---with my mom & grandmother. I am trying to deal with accepting that is the next phase of my life.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT? I need to find something that I can look forward too--something I can have for me---I just haven't figured it out yet. But I'm impatient--and instead of knowing it will all come to me--and what is to be will be--I make myself bonkers.

I needed this cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening!!!!!!!!!

This is the place to come to cry and laugh and share. I wish we could heal all the tears, but all we can do is listen. Seems like we all have days when we want to crawl back into bed and cry. I guess it's human.

Maybe if you write your way through this you will come out on the other side both wiser and stronger.

I have no solutions. When I am having those days, all I can do is wallow in the misery. I have to allow myself the day with the knowledge that tomorrow I will move forward.

If I write it, I can look at it the next day and add the good things about the very things that made me cry and the whole thing can become a blessing.

I also have to keep in mind that God loves me and will use any pain I suffer for joy.

I'll say a prayer for your heart.
smile

Kay,

You have come to the right place. In here, there are many women who have faced similiar issues with friends and have had to make tough decisions. Others have faced the same pain and struggles you faced about being a caregiver to those dear and loved.

Many of us have weathered the storms you are facing or have faced. You are not alone here.

Just by coming here and sharing your load, you have becomed loved by great women who share your burdens and desire for joy to break through into your life and for your heart, mind and soul to have a peace that passes your understanding and for you to possess a comfort to accept all that is out of your control.

Welcome, and just rest here. You are among friends.

Kay...see your private message..JJ

It's just a number. 40. Nothing more. I'll tell you that this is when the mind slowly evolves and wisdom presents herself. It's a wonderful age. Just a beautiful age. A great number. 40. And it only gets better.

Try to go out and do something all day on your birthday to keep your mind on something else. You are just going through a natural phase and it sounds like you might need a rest too.

Kay, don't worry about 40. How do you feel inside? I'm still 27 on the inside; if I stay away from the mirror, I can't still imagine I'm 27 on the outside. Turning 40 absolutely did not bother me. But when my older sister turned 50, 'Holy Cow', I thought, 'I'm old!' Don't know why it worked that way - but that's how it was. I'm wondering what I'll think when I turn 50.

Man, I'm making typos today....or are they Freudian slips...?

KAY B, I just turned 55. As someone who's had cancer and several other big scares, I prefer celebrating "another year better" to the alternative.

Life may not be perfect, but for most of us, it's way too short. This is not to minimize your concerns, but worrying accomplishes nothing positive. Do what you concretely can, and then accept that "what will be, will be." So many people love you, and the universe will provide.

Kay B, I agree with everyone else, this is a wonderful place to come and just be. A lot of compassion and wisdom in this room!

But I would also caution you, Kay B, not to ignore what's happening inside of you. If the sadness and negativity persist and get worse, and begin to look like hopelessness that you just can't seem to escape, then it might be necessary to get help. You might have to try changing the medication (is it an anti-depressant? Sometimes it takes trying two or three different ones before you find the one right for you.) Sometimes over-exhaustion, anxiety and persistent sadness can all gang up on us and alter our chemical balance...and then no matter how hard we try, we can't feel better...that chemical imbalance takes medication to fix.

And finding a good, caring therapist could be the best birthday gift you'll ever give yourself. Don't shy away from it because of the old stigmas still attached...a therapist (could be your minister, priest, psychologist, or even start with your GP) can be your best friend and ally in the darkness, and will help you to sort out all the sadness, anxiety, aloneness, fear, the emptiness of not having children and the exhaustion from giving so much of yourself.

You know yourself better than anyone here, but I'm concerned by the profound sadness that I'm reading within your post. If it gets too heavy for you, or you feel like you're just not coping well, please don't be afraid to get help, or to come here regularly so you're not alone.

Thank God for my therapist Geniel and my Dr. who worked with me to find the right combination of meds to help me through a period just like that.

Feel free to share in here anytime. I've been there.