Hello ladies...I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the caring for our parents section or what...anyway, it concerns my mother-in-law and her continued need to support her crack head daughter...for those of you how have read about Robin, you know the story...now my focus in on my MIL.

Is it possible that the reason my MIL refuses to eject her drugie daughter from her life is because she is getting something by being needed by her? My MIL has a boyfriend, she has other 'sane' grown kids who love her but who hate coming around when Robin's there. She's able to come and go as she pleases but she just REFUSES, REFUSES, REFUSES....to listen to any of us. Therefore, am I missing something? Does she enjoy this? Personally, I think she's at the point she needs more help than Robin. Robin blames my MIL for everything....and I mean everything that is bad in Robin's life...of course, Robin won't say that to any of us...it's only when she is alone with her mother. Those of us who know the situation feel it's not a matter of 'if', but a matter of 'when' Robin physically hurts her...we know she's already slapped her and threatened to wreck the car with my MIL in it...but my MIL, even having gone through and heard this, refuses to place Robin in a place where she can benefit...Robin cannot manage her life at all...she's such a controller now that she parks her butt under mom as much as she can and the second she needs drug money she comes up with an excuse that the money is needed for something else and MIL believes it and gives it to her. My husband has had enough and doesn't even want Robin's name spoken in our house anymore. He's lost respect for his mother and although he would never tell her this (maybe he should) he will be there for her but not for Robin.
Does anyone have any ideas, suggestions, directions, this family can take? Or do I just need to let it go and forget about it? I truly am haunted by my 73 year old MIL's face...she's tired, worried, has her own medical problems which of course Robin could care less about.
Does anyone know about Victim neediness? Is that what my MIL feeds on? Any ideas out there?

Dee, it sounds like your MIL and her daughter have a codependent realtionship that fulfills a basic survival need for her daughter and possibly an emotional need for your MIL. Your MIL may have self esteem, self worth issues that might be helped with cognitive therapy. Would she be willing to try that?

I think she might be a little afraid of Robin. Her hitting your MIL really bothers me. Somebody in the family has to address this in some way but if your MIL won't report the abuse, there isn't much you can legally do without witnessing it yourself. This is really a horrible situation.

Vicki,
No way would my MIL go into therapy. My husband (her son) and I were surprised when she went with us last year to a drug counselor (once)...he was straight with her about Robin and and my MIL's role in enabling. Mom acknowledged everything the man said but the minute we got outside she returned to her old self...I know he's right, but... and she went right then and there and paid for some or Robin's attorney fee's for hot check's she'd written...instead of letting Robin sit in jail for what she did, my MIL bailed her out yet again. I'm dumbfounded. All I can say is thank God Robin doesn't come around me or my home...I would have her arrested for trespassing.

Dianne, Yes, it bothers me as well. I could never raise my hand to anyone, much less my Mother. All the kids are very angry about all this but our hands are tied because mom won't go against her daughter. My MIL has been kindda quiet these past few days...I think Robin must be hanging around her a lot...it makes me sick. My sister-in-law called me today...she had talked with our MIL today and she tried getting through to her...nothing new to hear she didn't. She wants my husband and his siter to talk to mom...can'ta get her to understand that they've already tried...brick wall. God, this is frustrating.

Hi Dee, I've been away from the forums for a while. I think I recall some of this story in another topic. What I'm wondering is if you MIL has some guilt feelings over her daughter's behavior. Perhaps your MIL feels guilty and/or to blame for her daughter's drug addiction. MIL may be enmeshed In order to ease that guilt. What is Robin's history? Most people don't suddenly become drug addicts or alcoholics. There is usually an antecedant, such as being the victim of domestic violence and/or sexual assault. What do you know about Robin's past? Maybe your husband can shed some light. The situation with your MIL and her daughter is out of control, and someone is going to get hurt. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do short of an intervention planned with a drug rehab facility. I wonder what Robin holds over her mother's head to make her mother so unable to close the door on her daughter. Much luck to you and your family. Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn,
Robin is the 4th of 6 children. There is about a seven year 9 year gap (I think) between Robin and her older brother (my husband). Then, after Robin is her younger sister who is about 2 years younger. Robin was born premature. Because of the age difference and because of Robin's prematurity, her parents (guilt?) more or less let her do what she wanted...spoiled her rotten (the older 3 resented the difference in behavior). Odly enough the older 3 are responsible citizens...the younger two who were more or less able to do what they pleased have had a lot of problems with drugs and bumps with the law. Robin began using when she was 14 and also at the age did more or less what she wanted and was allowed to talk to her parents pretty much with much disrespect. Thus, her behavior now. Robin tell her mom that she's the reason she's out of control now because of how her mom raised her...says her mom never told her that drugs were wrong and that's why she used them...(what crap)...Robin did marry when she was young but the guy ended up divorcing her after only a few years marriage. Robin is just not all there...it's like she has no conscience about anything...yet, if she gets called on the table for something (which is rare...she knows how to turn on the water works until mom gets off her back).
My MIL's father was an alcoholic. Her husband was a big time alcoholic (Robin's dad), but he was never physically abusive...just absent as a father because of booze. My MIL did not drink and does not use any drugs of any kind. She's just in denial about her life and has been since she was a child, I think.
I think mom believes Robin...that she's somehow responsible for Robin using drugs...Robin is scitzophrenic...I believe my MIL maya feel she's responsible to her for that in some way...don't know...just guessing.
I guess I could try to talk to a drug counselor about all this but trying to get my MIL's normal kids to become involved is going to be like pulling teeth...my MIL has more or less asked everyone to mind their own business...she gets defensive. I don't think she's going to wake up until she ends up in the hospital from a mental breakdown.

Dee, you are really enmeshed in this situation. I can tell by your posts. Do you talk with them daily?

I have a feeling the other siblings are tired. Seems as though you are more interested in helping than they are. At times when I get wrapped up in other's pain I have to ask myself, "Why do I care so much?" You may want to ask yourself this question. It may help put things in perspective for you.

Who knows why Mom is the way she is with Robin. Since you mentioned her father was an alcoholic, perhaps we can figure it's learned behavior. Sad, but true. Maybe she thinks it's her job to care for Robin and this is how she's doing it. We know it's wrong, but Mom can't grasp that for whatever reason. This is her way of showing love?

One thing I'm learning is that we can't change people, but we can change how wrapped up we become in their behavior...especially if we don't have to live with them.

I'm praying for your peace in this situation. Please don't feel alone. I'm sure there are many other families struggling with this very situation.

Dotsie,
Everyone talks to me about what mom is doing...my two sister in-laws and of course mom lets me know what's going on. I received a call from my sister-in-law from out of town venting about the injustice of it and that I need to keep an eye on mom and/or intervene somehow. I'm an outsider who came into a family that is kindda passive. I'm more of a look you in the face and tell you the truth...not to be hateful...but, I don't sugar coat something when it's going to hurt me or someone I love. (like a drugged out daughter abusing her mom). For most of my life I was a doormat and it took a lot of being stepped on and some therapy to no longer allow that in my life. You're right...I am passionate about this mainly because I know something could be done if mom would take the steps to change it.
I know you're right...I have to stop caring so much. I'm also a 'fixer'. I try to heal people's pain, especially those closest to me. And you're probably right about how mom shows robin love...even if it's the wrong way...Gosh, I'm glad I have my boomer friends to help me see both sides of things. I thought I could make her see the light...I guess I can't make her see the light anymore than she can make Robin stop using drugs.
I'm going to try harder to concentrate more on my life with my husband and the wonderful things we have going together. Mom knows we're here if she needs us.
Thanks for the jolt of reality and the prespective from perhaps mom's side.
Thanks, Dotsie.

Dee, having worked with battered women for many years, I can tell you that it's useless to try and talk sense to someone who doesn't want to hear it. Yes, it can almost be like a drug when they get stuck in the victim mode. It's what some women like. They wear their victimhood like it's a designer outfit. I'm not saying your MIL is doing this but if it was bad for her, she'd probably do something about it. She has a very sick relationship with Robin and you can't do anything about it. It's good to care about someone but not at the risk of your own sanity. Sometimes, you just have to walk away.

I believe that being a victim can become a drug. I wrote about the science of that about a year ago. It involves the release of endorphins which produce a euphoria much like morphine whose name comes from endorphin. Endorphins are produced by our body and are in greater quantity immediately following an extremely stressful or disappointing event.

I believe some battered women get addicted to their own endorphins and unconsciously instigate their own abuse in order to fuel their addiction. Subconscioulsy they know the rush is coming when the abusive husband returns and is repentant. Endorphins are so powerful as to mimic the emotions of love and people often mistake their effects for love.
Under the effects of endorphins or during a craving for their effects, people are as unreasonable as lovers. Even if they recognize the problem, they often go right back to the situation, unconsciously attracted to their drug of choice, endorphins.

There are so many physiological influences over our emotions and many of them make us completely unreasonable. The relationship of the mind and body is more powerful than either of them alone.
smile