As many of you know, I've had my history of chronic low-grade depression (dysthemia), chronic fatigue and fairly severe anxiety. I don't talk much about the anxiety, but it's made my life rather miserable - and extremely lonely - for the past few years, keeping me pretty much a prisoner in my own home. My world has become very small - I've lost most of my friends - and I've been finding life to be very empty and, well, useless despite ongoing attempts to shine light in whatever small ways I AM able to.

After a year of trying to drum up the nerve to find help for this anxiety (the irony doesn't escape me...the reason I couldn't find help is that I was too anxious to ask for it), I finally emailed a local clinic to register for their Anxiety Treatment group.

Ever since my breakdown in 2002 I've had trouble using the phone to call people (and this from someone who used to practically live on the phone both at home and at work!) I still break out in a sweat just calling my own brother, or my husband when he's working! So I've tried to pick up the phone many times to call this clinic, but was never able to complete the call. Finally last night I noticed they had added a new email address to their website, so I wrote to them asking for information.

Now I'm terrified that they won't answer back. Now that I've made that first contact, I realize how much I need and want the help. I'm tired of being so scared of everyone and everything. If my husband doesn't go with me, I rarely go anywhere. Since joining this forum, I've managed to walk the ten minutes to the mall and enjoy doing some shopping there...but it's still a very mentally draining experience, often leaving me depleted for days afterward. Even being a shopaholic doesn't entice me beyond my front door most days. It's been miserably lonely and frustrating.

So hopefully this is a good first step in the right direction!

Eagle, I'm praying for a quick response from the clinic! I think it's great that you took that first step. I hope you find a good support group!

Daisygirl

Eagle, Wow! That's a wonderful first step! Congratulations! I'll add you to my prayers.

Oh my goodness Eagle, I am praying for you right now. You have too much to offer to stay holed up somewhere. The whole world needs you. And we need you here.

smile

Oh Sharon, I pray that you will get the help you need. You've inspired so many and helped many including me, now let us share your burden and lean on us for a while. We are here for you, love you, and support you with our love and prayers.

Sherri

Thanks everyone for your loving thoughts - both here and in PM's. We can never underestimate the healing power of our care for one another...the words so many of you have been speaking to me have indeed brought much comfort and courage.

Another thing that's becoming clear is the truth about there being a silver lining in every cloud - as difficult a struggle as these past few years have been, it's equally true that without the anxiety keeping me housebound, I would never have found BWS. And many of you know how amazing and miraculous being here has been in my life! So I can't imagine my life without so many of you being a daily part of it!! So much so, that I could not in all honesty trade this past year of struggle - and all the good that has come flowing out of being here at BWS - for anything. But now that being here has healed me to the point of wanting to be more of all that I can be, and given me enough courage to find that "more", it's time to find a way to be both here AND free of this anxiety!

Eagle Heart, recognizing you have anxiety is a big step. I have it too. And I know that I have good days and bad days where I can step outside the protection of my home. I plan for these days and build a list of errands. Then, when I go out, I get all my errands done at once. This means only having to go out once away from the house instead of a bunch of trips.

I, too, have lost contact with many friends because my anxiety got in the way of my friendships. It was bigger than me. Bigger than what I could deal with comfortably. The friendships I've developed online are very precious to me because I can communicate from the comfort of my home. BWS has made a huge impact on me in that regard.

It's taken me many years to recognize the early warning signs of an anxiety attack. I have medication I can take before they get too serious.

Do you have "safe" places that you know you can go to? One of those places is my doctor's office. To me, it's a safe place and I can go without feeling anxious. The grocery store is another, but only during the week, not on the weekend.

For other places, I have to work up my courage. However, if my husband goes with me, I'm much better at handling the anxiety.

I'm not sure if anxiety is something that will go away, but I do know it can be managed. I've learned how to do that. I hope you can too with the help of this clinic.

Thanks Vicki. I can identify with everything you've written. Up until recently, I've been in denial as far as the severity of the anxiety - even going so far as to call myself lazy and utterly silly. But I'm not lazy (I just baked two banana loaves, made chili and did all sorts of other household chores throughout the morning!), so I need to stop that self-name-calling and face this.

As far as "safe places" go, I can get myself out to the grocery store, and a couple of stores just behind our neighbourhood, but can only manage to go out on my own about once a week, if that. Somedays I can barely go outside to pick up the mail.

On a good day, with pre-planning, I can walk the 10-minutes to the mall and do some shopping, but I have to have a specific reason to go...once I get there, I can wander around okay, but if I don't have a specific thing I need at the mall before I leave home, I won't go, I'll always end up talking myself out of going.

I can go anywhere with my husband, and can even wander around on my own, as long as I know he's nearby.

The clinic just wrote back. It's not very encouraging...there's a 6-8 month wait to see one of their psychologist, and no mention of the anxiety group. Sigh. Looks like I'll have to make a phone call to clarify things...I'll put that on tomorrow's "to-do" list. Really, I will (for you, Smile).

But with all the encouragement buoying me up, I DID make contact with an old friend and make plans to meet her for lunch on Thursday. Those of you who can do this type of thing without a second thought can't imagine how major a deal it is for those of us who struggle with anxiety! All I can say is "Woo-hoo".

I have also learned to handle anxiety. One thing I won't do is go to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season. Seems silly, but I had my first panic attack at a Wal-Mart during the seasonal rush. I still take Xanax for anxiety, but have been able to reduce the dosage. I have a wonderful therapist who taught me some techniques, like deep breathing and putting my self in a "safe" place in my mind. I will forever be grateful for her teaching me these techniques.

Glad you're having lunch out Sharon, enjoy yourself! I know what a big deal that is!

Love and prayers,
Sherri

My anxiety is of another nature but just as debilitating and exclusionary in result. I have suffered with irritable bowl syndrome for most of my life since having my first child. I was never able to go for a boat ride, a road trip, anywhere where there was no bathroom within eyesight. I have to avoid crowds. I have to avoid restaurants that have only on stall in the restroom and many patrons. I must avoid the Las Vegas strip because of the traffic snarls which instantly set my bowels a grumbling. I have seen specialists and they say "its all in my head." Well I beg to differ and have had near accidents that prove me right. Just to show you what I mean, I have a 2002 Hyundai bought right off the showroom floor so to speak and I only have 4938 as of this morning on this 4 year old car, it still has the new car smell. So you see I am home ALOT!!! My cars battery has needed to be recharged because it just died sitting still for so long. I am the most sociable person you can imagine and love to visit and entertain (in the safety of my own home)and I take full advantage of any situation where all the things I need are there for me. It is a terrible way to live at times having to avoid simple things like a picnic in the park with my family but I know it would be murder for me. I work from home not because I love to but because I must, I have no choice. Thank the Lord I have been able to find things to do from home and still survive. When I know I must go out say to pick up some poor endangered animal I take a pill to literally stop me up but too many of those will cause a trip to the hospital, found that out the hard way. I am working on being out more for short times to see if I can make the times longer and longer. I am like several of the rest of you and go out once only and do all my errands at that time. I never just go window or mall shopping, never. I love my comfortable home and have made it my sanctuary for now anyway...so Eagle I do understand and feel your pain.

[ April 25, 2006, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]