Over the past few days, I've come to realize just how much my life is impacted by profound fear. It's been this way since my brother died two years ago. Despite months of intense refocusing on the positive, gratitude attitude and celebrating what is instead of what isn't anymore, I'm constantly coming face to face with this horrible, crippling fear. Of what? I don't know for sure. I think it's a jumble, a spider's web of fear...somedays I'm scared of everything. Other days, I'm okay. I definitely have a serious phone-phobia...cannot use the phone without panic attacks.

It's coming to the forefront now because I'm trying to arrange a trip to Nova Scotia to see my best friend in October. It will be my first time away from hubby since Gary died, and I can barely stand the feelings of fear and panic. But I really have to do this, and I want to do it, I have to conquer this fear in this particular circumstance.

I can focus on the positive and I constantly work to keep my life/mind busy so as not to think about things that scare me. But sometimes, it takes my breath away, it's so intense.

I don't know how to conquer this. I went to a psychiatrist and he just said it was still grief at play and would work itself out. I'm not sure.

The screen, as I write this, is jumping so much I'm getting seasick, so I have to stop now.