After going thru this CD series on Boundaries in Marriage, I got to thinking about my style of "helping" friends. It touches on this subject a bit.

For instance, we need a friend who will pray with/for us instead of bashing the other party at whom the friend is angry.

Let's say a friend is mad at her husband for constantly going golfing. Do you say something to the effect of "Well, I'm glad MY husband does not golf so much. I'd be mad all the time". This can make her feel much worse than she already does.

Or do you say, "Gosh, that is something between you and your husband to work out. After you talk to him, then let me know how I can help. In the meantime, I'll pray for you".

I want to be the friend that I am looking for when I need one. The "bear ye one another's burdens" comes to mind. But what does this really mean?

We need to find "safe" friends who will encourage, uplift and help in a GOOD way. Now I'm rethinking my friends and with whom I share certain personal things. I'd like someone to help me and not bash the situation or make it seem like I need a divorce or something.

The way I speak with other friends totally depends on the relationship. I think there are boundaries for all, but I also think it depends on the friendship.

I've found that sometimes just being quiet about a subject gets the message across too.

Imagine that? Me, quiet. See, I'm learning.

Good question.

By the way, we're enjoying our soap. I love the enchanted scent! My favorite.

I counsel so many friends its hard to say how to BUT I will say, LISTEN first, and think before answering. I have been known to say, "let me mill this around awhile and I'll call you later with my answer." Or if the answer seems clear (to you at least) then be TRUTHFUL always. It may hurt, may even lose you a friend but lying just to tell them what they want to hear is ridiculous and dishonest. Be kind, as kind as possible. As I have always said, treat the person asking for councel as you would like to be treated.

I remember a friend of mine telling me about something she'd read about the 5 friends you really need. One will tell you what you want to hear, one will tell you the cold hard truth, one is good at technical stuff (like computers and gadgets) and I honestly don't remember what the other two did. I do remember that she told me that in her case I filled 4 out of 5 on the list, which I thought was kinda flattering!
I was recently complaining to this same friend about my husband not doing anything to help out around the house (same old same old) and she told me "you know what, you're beating a dead horse" and I realized -- she was RIGHT -- and I needed to shut up about it.
Counseling friends gets tricky, and it does depend upon your relationship. I try to honestly say what I think, at the same time considering the person I'm talking to and trying to put it in a way that won't hurt their feelings. Not always easy to do and sometimes it's easier just to keep quiet. (also not always easy to do!)
I kinda like these 12 steps on growing a best friend:
http://www.cyberparent.com/friendship/growdirectory.htm

You're very wise, Chatty.

I try to help within the remit of my ability and experience. I must admit, cana counselling is something I find extremely uneasy to listen to because there are two sides to a story, especially when both parties are my friends and I am expected to take sides. And, if I'm pushed to comment, I always fall back on: "Have you made an effort to...?" sort.

A thoughtful topic, Di.

It does take effort for me to simply listen to a friend, but tricky to dispense advice that is significantly different, even contrary to friend's opinion. I've never been totally successful at this and hence, tend not to give much of opinion/advice. Which is not always good if friend is experiencing a major crisis.

But I do distinguish myself friend vs. therapist and will tell a person that.

There are some situations that it's useful merely for the friend in need, to articulate in words their problem. It is like naming the truth for the first time for them to help themselves. We can not even begin to find a solution unless we structure our problem in words and acknowledge the truth of that problem. Diminishes denial of the problem --first step in truth-seeking and problem-solving for oneself.

Wow, I needed to hear THAT one! Thanks for this CSQ!!

I never give advice...mostly because I've found people don't really want it, they just want to be heard. They just want a "safe" place to land.

Proof is they haven't used what I gave them from the last time they complained about that subject, so why go into it again?

People mainly want an ear. They want to talk it out, "name it" as Orchid said, and if you give them time and space, they can usually see the problem for what it is, AND the solution. I would not make myself responsible for someone else's reactions to their problems. What if you're wrong?

If asked point blank, I will usually say, "You know, in your heart you already know the answer."

A word of advice...Tell your friends things that you wouldn't mind having repeated 10 years down the road when you are no longer friends. That goes for advice, too.

JJ, it's interesting that you say that, because over my years here, you have passed along tidbits of wisdom that have made a good difference in my life. I'm someone who doesn't always want advice, but ALWAYS needs "a safe place to land"...and when I feel like I'm on stable ground and feel "HEARD" first, then I can hear what wisdom anyone passes along on the subject...and even when that wisdom or advice doesn't sink in at that moment, often it comes along much later in my journey as the "missing piece" I was looking for.

Exampe? Your story of your Mom and how she greets the day. The first time I heard that, I thought it would be impossible for me to ever get to the point of being able to do that. But here I am, years down the road, living that, and incorporating it into my own daily routine and now it has beocme MINE, not just your Mom's.

So sometimes the wisdom we pass along are just seeds for now, but somewhere down the road, if they truly click with a person, they do bear fruit and do make a difference.

But I totally agree that the first priority is to LISTEN, provide sanctuary and care, then if the person wants/needs advice, they will provide the opening and will be more willing & ready to hear.

Sitting here with red face...I thought the question was posed as if we were talking to our best friend(s)...I can tell you now that I listen to my friends, hug them, pat them without pationizing them, and love them with my silence. It has been my experience that these women, and some men, needed my ears and heart, not my mouth, which we all know here has a tendency to run like water! ha!

Here, I find that women come and ask because they truly WANT others to give freely of their opinions and thoughts. Or so has been my own observations.

You have made my day. I'm so glad that something I said made a difference in someone's life. Therein lies my gratefulness! It truly wasn't meant as advice, only sharing a part of my life. You know...mom STILL does that!