OK, am I off base with this?

A couple of weeks ago, I’d gone to visit the BF. Our only “date night” was Saturday, due to his work schedule.

He got home Saturday evening and I was about half way done with the hot iron on my hair (it is very curly otherwise). We greeted and kissed, then I said “why don’t you have a seat and tell me about your day while I finish this?” (there is a chair just outside the bathroom). Then I added, “I may need you to tell me if I’ve missed any spots in the back, I have a hard time seeing that part.” His comment was “what look are you going for, rats next or the dog has been sleeping in it all night?”

I didn’t like that comment, so I laughed and closed the bathroom door, saying “OK, you can’t watch me do my hair.”

He got mad and went upstairs and turned on the tv. The rest of the night wasn’t very good, he was obviously irritated with me. He drank more than usual and there was no affection/hand holding or anything for the rest of the night (or the next morning).

Next day he said he was only kidding and I shouldn’t have gotten mad. Told him I wasn’t mad, but didn’t like to be teased like that. He sometimes confides in his female neighbor, so I told him to ask her about it. He said nah, he didn’t want to do that. He also said he didn’t want to have to walk on eggs and worry about offending me by saying the wrong thing.

I don’t think he had any right to be miffed. It’s not like I was angry, I really did just laugh and close the door. (but after the door was closed, I DID think "what a jerk, that wasn't nice.")

Let me add that he has “never” said anything disparaging to me before, he’s always been my best cheerleader no matter what.

How would you have handled it?

WW

Sounds like to me there was an underlying problem he had not addressed and he was looking (and finding) an outlet for his problem. It was an ugly remark and you could have laughed it off and gone on about things...but something tells me there is more to this than meets the eye.

The first question I asked myself after reading this was, "Okay, now tell me what's REALLY wrong." And I would have addressed him with that question.

I think the fact that you both didn't really talk it out says there is some miss-communicating going on.

Why asked him to run it by the neighbor? You two should be able to sit down and get to the bottom of it. Leave the neighbor out of it. I know you were giving him a choice, a way to see it from another perspective, and that's gracious of you, but it should not be necessary.

Just my two cents...

+1 I agree with jawjaw. In our occasional moments of arguing between myself and dearie, neither of us have ever advised one another to consult an opposite sex, platonic "friend" for a 2nd opinion.

Perhaps your remark was a reflection of your ambivalent feelings about him still...by redirecting him back to his female/neighbour friend.

Frankly I'm never comfortable around any guy who drinks abit too much. Dearie does have a glass of wine or 2. But that's all..and that's all, I could handle from a love-mate.

When we were having problems last year, he confided in the female neighbor (I like her and have no problem with that. I confided in people too).

He said I was totally off-base and being "thin skinned" about the remark. I just said "if you don't believe me, ask another female. I bet she'd agree with me."

And he doesn't normally drink too much, that was just done because he was ticked at me.

Oh well, water under the bridge at this point.

Thanks for listening!

WW

No it isn't just water under the bridge and serious enough that you need to settle it now before it becomes buried but surfaces again when something else goes wrong, only this time adding to whatever the new problem is.

I agree with JJ and Orchid it sounds as if maybe he had something else bothering him, from work possibly and took his frustration out on you. Men do that, they are such children.

I never felt the need with any of the men in my life to have another woman qualify my feelings or beliefs. That is a sign of low self esteem.

Keep an eye on his drinking, it can be a sign of weakness on his part, you know like: Drowning His Sorrows!

But when all is said and done, he is your man, your problem and unless he makes you feel good, feel happy, feel beautiful, feel whole, then maybe you are simply settling and that's never a good situation...
Me, I'd rather have a good dog...

Whirlwind, which BF is this? Just curious to see what he means to you.

The remark could have been off the cuff, but if it offended you, there was something behind it. You could be taking it wrong, or it could have been intended as mean. But it offended you and that was real. It also seems to have bothered him that you were offended and he acted out by drinking.

I think that both of you have some hidden issues, and if you are interested in making this a relationship, you both need to address these issues. Could it be both of you are trying to decide what each other means to each other?

I hope I haven't over-stepped....

LOL Chatty, that is why I love my dog.

Anno, no, you have not overstepped, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. This is the one I have a ten year history with. He said he was just joking. Maybe I noticed it because that is the first time he ever joked like that. In any case, teasing or not, I didn't like it. We've talked more since and he knows that I expect him to be my biggest cheerleader (and I'll do the same for him). I get enough sniping elsewhere in my life.

Thanks to you all...

WW

I don't think that was a very nice thing to say; and if I were
you, I'd tread carefully with this guy, in the future. As long as BF doesn't turn into hubby, there may be no harm. But nobody has a right to hurt another person's feelings. It just isn't fair or cool. Everyone should be sensitive to others around them. Be kind. Expect kindness! IMO...

He took to heart what I said that night and has made is clear he really didn't mean anything by it. His actions since have proved that, over and above. He does listen and he is trying. I appreciate that.

And so it goes....

WW

You know best! But don't get hurt! Life is too short to be
licking thy wounds, on a steady basis! Prayers and blessings!