Okay, I'm going to try to ask this without confusing any of you!

If you have a relative who has stupidly become involved with a married man and you try to talk to her and tell her how wrong, disappointed, etc., and she knows she's wrong but says their in love, yadda. And, you also know the wife of the creep she's having an affair with and she's a nice person:

Do you tell the wife? Is it your place to interject yourself into this painful situation. Does the wife really want to know? Would you come out being the bad guy for telling? Would it change anything other than what is eventually going to happen...discovery, divorce, bitter feelings. Is it any of your business to tell?

Now, my ex cheated on me and I had this "friend" who called me and made me appear at her house while she kept me waiting so she could tell me she had seen my husband driving down the road with a woman snuggled up next to him. I didn't appreciate it, it hurt me and I felt like she almost wanted to make herself powerful by knowing and then, revealing.

When is it right to tell and when is it right to be quiet?

I was the wife being cheated on, and I found out on my own. I would have appreciated being told at an early stage, because then the recovery process for both my husband and I could have began sooner.

I would pray about telling the wife and see what kind of answer you get. Perhaps discuss it with your pastor who may be able to offer suggestions.

She may already know, but is pretending not to, a common way of dealing with extra-marital affairs.

I chose not to end our marriage, and I was pleasantly surprised that a large number of marriages DO remain intact and can improve--IF both parties are willing to explore the reasons behind the affair and to seek help, preferrably from a Christian counselor devoted to keeping a marriage intact.

Non-Christian counselors (and some Christian ones, too) can add more damage to an already damaged relationship.

Sometimes, there isn't a possibility of healing, especially if neither the husband or wife is soundly grounded in Christian teaching and belief.

Though divorce is "allowable" in the Bible, Jesus pointed out that it was not what God intended, nor what he wants. An interesting thing I learned was adultery isn't a greater sin than murder, lying, stealing, coveting, blasphemy and the rest. They are all equal in their ability to damage. And they are all equal in God's eyes.

One of the things I learned about adultery, in my case, is often the adulterer is not committing the act to hurt his/her spouse. They are doing it to try and fill a hole in themselves. Sometimes the behavior is addictive in nature - the thrill, excitement, whatever. The adulterer oftentimes feels compelled to feel good about him/herself, and finds a quick fix in the adulterous relationship. He/she is in a "honeymoon" phase, where they are experiencing a high.

The hole needing filled is always a God-sized hole. If the man is a Christian, then there is an area of ignorance in his learned teachings; he may be giving in to temptation and rationalizing it without truly understanding the problem.

If there's no relationship between the adulterer and God, then very likely there will be no chance of healing the marriage.

Unfortunately, our society has drilled into our heads that affairs, divorce, unmarried sex and cohabitation are all okay. We must be tolerant of these types of lifestyles. I can only imagine the day of Judgement when God tells people, "Did you really think I would condone this behavior? Where did you get that idea? I am the same always. Those rules were there for your own good. You took them and twisted them to suit your own selves, but it doesn't suit Me."

I feel for you, Dianne. This is such a hard topic to discuss. Knowledge brings with it a requirement to make a decision. But whether it should be you to tell the wife, or not, is between you and God.

I will pray for you, the wife, and the husband, as well as the other woman. Adultery is one of satan's favorite tools - it allows him to steal the sacredness of the vows of marriage; to kill a man and woman's love for each other; and to destroy mankind's trust in God's perfect plan for marriage.

Good luck to you.

I too was cheated on by my exhusband. No one told me about it until after we were divorced. Did it make me feel better or give me more justification for the divorce? No, not really. It was only confirming suspicions I already had.

I think deep down, we all know when something is not right with our marriage and we choose to either confront it or ignore it.

Is it right to tell this woman? No, I don't think so. Think about why you want to tell. Is it because you're sure this woman needs to know, or because you know about it and need to "get it out of your system"

So many times, the "teller" thinks they're doing the other person a favor by telling them about their wandering spouse. I'm really not sure that that is such a good position to be in.

Do you remember where "kill the messenger" came from? If you have a friendship with this person, you could be risking losing it.

Just my convoluted two cents.

I would first of all pray about the situation and read the Bible. I would be very sure of my facts then go to the Husband which is the Scriptural thing to do. Then if he doesn't change, we are to go to him again with the elders of the church.

We are not responsible for exposing anyone's transgressions. Rather they are responsible for confessing and repenting for them. Repentance not only means being sorry for a sin, but also includes turning from it.

If an unfaithful husband confesses and repents, there is at least a possiblity of reconcilliation. If someone else exposes his infidelity, there is little chance for anything but regret on everyone's part including the person who exposed the situation.
Bringing pain to another of God's children seems very wrong to me and the wife should be allowed to handle it her way in her time surrounded by the prayer of her friends.

I've been in similar situations and that's my take on it.
smile

I think you would be wise to stay out of it. Your friend may not believe you when it comes down to your word or her husband's. She may not want to know. She may already know and not be ready to face it.
Louisa

When we were having difficulties, my then-husband and I went to a Christian counselor who was completely worthless. The first visit there, he wanted to counsel us to get divorced. And I had interviewed him over the phone to see what his beliefs on marriage were. Saying you're Christian can mean many different things.
A few years later, my then-husband surprised me with the news that he wanted a divorce. A little while later I found out he'd been cheating on me for quite some time.
I really wish someone had told me. It's my life after all. I don't think it's quite fair to withhold that information from the person who should know. I don't understand why anyone would want to "pretend" not to know.

Dianne.....Everyone has her own opinion on this awful situation so heres another one to chew on.
Personally I would never be the bearer of this kind of news, the wife will though possibly grateful to know will never forget you told her,and neither will the cheaters. The best solution if you are unable to know this secret and keep silent is to send the wife an anonymous note. I wouldn't mention any names just that if shes smart she will either hire a detective for proof or follow the asshole herself. Then you can have a clear conscience. You gave her the option to pursue this if she chooses to or not! Killing 3 birds with 1 stone so to speak. Mybe one day I'll tell you how I saved my cousin and best friend Arlene's marriage many years ago.

This is a tough one, but I always say to follow the truth. If my husband was cheating on me and a friend knew, but didn't tell me, I'd be hurt. Especially if I found out years later.

They can choose to do as they please with the information.

Good can come from bad situations. What may seem like the end of the world today, may be reason for much needed change in a marriage.

I'd stick with the truth and remain by your friend's side.

I should tell you this sad tale took place last year and I didn't tell her. Now, I'm the bad guy for not telling her! Yep, don't blame the wandering husband...blame me! I did confront the man and we had a very bad argument. I threatened to tell his wife and he just threatened me! I was in a lose-lose place. The sister of the wife called me on the phone and called me horrible names. I ended up hanging up on her it was so abusive.

well, as usual da Queen has 10 cents worth to throw in the pot.

A million years ago, my best friend's husband made a pass at me. I was horrified and didn't know what to do. I told my husband and he just laughed it off. I fretted over whether to tell her or not.

Little did I know that in the meantime, she had started having an affair with another man and her hubby somehow found out and confronted her. Talk about the kettle calling the pot black.

Anyway....she called me crying and related the entire story to me one night and what did I do? Like the young idiot I was, I said, "well, he isn't lily white" and I told her what her hubby had done.

Now granted these two were already ruining their own marriage, and had already broken their vows, but I didn't want him to get away with what he had done. So...even though my motivation wasn't pure, I told her. BIG MISTAKE. They made up shortly, MY HUSBAND at the time told me I should have kept my mouth shut and not been too hard on him since he was only being a man, and SHE never forgave me. Forgave me? Yeah right. I learned a valuable lesson, and I grew up a little that day. I found new friends.

Years later I ran into her and (They had divorced and remarried two times, she had married two more times) She begged me to call her and come see her and let our friendship rekindle. ...I was nice but very evasive.

I can tell you that ain't gonna happen. It's not that I can't forgive, because I did...but I simply choose to distance myself from certain people and not be involved with their lives.

Burn me once, shame on you...burn me twice, shame on me.

A wife can act surprise all they want to when they find out, but a good marriage doesn't have these types of problems...there are signs. The problems are already there.

JJ