Here's a question for ya. When do you finally, at last, without a doubt, realize and understand: He just doesn't get it? He's brain dead? Give up? He's hopeless? You tell him what you need, want, hope for, wish for...yada...but he just kind of ignores you? I'm not talking about abuse although this could be a form of abuse...pretending to be so freaking brain dead, although he's on the genius level? I really need your input because a woman, who emailed me, is going though this and I'm confused...what's new?

He provides for her...is a nice guy (depending on what you think a nice guy is or does) but he's not fulfilling her emotionally. He ignores her requests, although they aren't like...don't hit me anymore...just pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen to what I'm doing, my project, my interests!

You are all so smart and know, well, know so much, I need your input before I respond to her emails. Meric, thank you, Gracias.

This sounds wimpy, but I wonder if she is listening to him. Men need appreciation and honor and sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. She might consciously do that for a while and see if he changes his attentiveness to her. Just a thought.
smile

Genius has nothing to do with common sense or emotional availability. I'm married to a PhD who sticks his head in the sand if what I say, is not what he wants to hear. He thinks that problems can be solved by pretending everything is all right.

Maybe this woman's husband is like that. Maybe he feels the emotional stuff is over his head. Maybe he thinks she asks for too much. Maybe he thinks that emotional demonstrativeness is "womens' stuff." And maybe, like smilinize suggested, he needs more attention from her.

There really isn't enough info here to give a less tentative answer.

I read this post and thought someone here was talking about my ex. While it's true it doesnt take a genius it does take common sense and love. My ex never cared about wht I did or wanted to do. And this was after I had spent hrs after he got off work , chin in the palms of my hands listening to every word of how his day went.

But i agree with Meredith that there really isnt enough here to make a sound judgement. We all need to be appriciated and cared about.

It may sound odd to ask , have they gone to cousoling?

I don't have a clue. Maybe this is why I get worn down. My site and book are for abused women and I'm not a counselor but women and sometimes men email me asking me questions that I don't have answers for. Heck, my own husband is out in nah nah land when it comes to emotional things. But, if I respond, she's gonna keep emailing me...been there before. I'm thinking about just not answering. I'm not a therapist.

Dianne, I think you are wise in not answering e-mails like that. Those women really need to see a professional. They will suck you dry if you let them and drain you emotionally. My vote is to not answer except to recommend a therapist.

Been there, done that.

I agree with Debi and Sherri, Dianne. This woman hasn't given you enough details to form a logical answer, but beyond that, she needs to see a professional marriage counselor so that they can determine what is actually at the core of their "issues". Without hearing his side of the story, no solution can be found. A marriage is made up of two people and two people need to work on making it work.

[ February 21, 2005, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Vicki M. Taylor ]

Dianne,
I wouldn't ignore her. She gets enough of that already. However, I would simply respond by telling her that you are not a counselor and that it is extremely difficult for you to make judgments about what she should do. I suggest you advise her to seek some type of professional counseling if she can afford it. Some of the YWCAs have programs and counselors who can help.

If you feel inclined, you might also suggest that she sit down with pad and paper and list the pros and cons of her relationship to determine if her complaints are out of proportion to the value the relationship has for her. Tell her that whatever the result, the final decision on how to deal with her relationship has to be hers. No one else should make that decision for her. If she lets that happen, then she sets herself up to be the victim of someone else's decisions -- which is what she is allowing to happen with her husband, it seems. She is letting her happiness depend on his actions. And, of course, true happiness can never be found outside ourselves. Although it may not be our preference, it is possible to be truly happy in the midst of chaos. We don't always manage it, but that's why they call the process of growth hard work.
LOL

Dianne my suggestion was rather wordy but my computer hic-cupped again and I lost it. In a sentence, give her this Boomer site and tell her to contact we women who have mostly all "been there-done that." She needs to be ready to be forth coming and expect to hear straight from the hip advice, no molly coddling. This could fix both problems, hers and yours with her. Not ignoring her but giving her another avenue to explore. She won't be ignored here and find out she's not alone by any chance.

There are some excellent thoughts here. Dianne, feel free to send her here. We'll do our best.

She needs to discover if she can stay in the relationship and get the emotional fulfillment from other relationships. Also, is she financially dependent on him?