My husband and I have had a long (10 years) mostly happy marriage in which there have been a continued pattern of him entering relationships with women on the internet. In between these revelations, our life is fine. We get along great, like the same things, like a quiet life and he is always home. The last time he had a "good friend" that "got him", I let him guilt me ("You're insanely jealous!")into putting up with it until I just lost my mind and then he stopped. I swore then that I would never let him do that again and be so nasty and uncaring when defending his position. Things have been peaceful for two years until a womens clothing catalogue came to our house in his name. A little research showed me that he purchased $300 worth of clothing (blazers,sweaters, tank tops, blouses) for his new "friend" for Christmas. (She lives 5 states away, and they both say there was no contact).We had agreed not the buy for each other, so I got nothing.Which isn't the point, but does make is look even worse, if that's possible. The only thing that is keeping his butt in the house is that this time he is taking FULL responsibility for his actions and knows that it was wrong. He even came to marital counseling with me last night, unfortunately I think he felt ambushed and says he will not go back but is willing to go to someone else for individual counseling (he knows he has issues. I am so freaking out and feel that I JUST HAVE TO END IT, NOW!!! but I was happy in the marriage and in my misery, he is the only one I want to comfort me - which he is trying to do - but somedays I can hardly breathe - It feels that if I walked away - I would be ending it for the principle of the thing, not because I want nothing to do with him. He doesn't want to end the marriage, which is making it my decision, which I guess is him putting things on me again. I'm going to go back to counseling and I have one friend to talk too, but it is consuming my days, so I decided to come here for some support. PLEASE HELP

Oh my. Glad you've landed here. I know there are women here who have been through similar and will soon jump in and begin sharing. No one will tell you what to do. They will only share what they've been through so you can make your own decision.

When does he srend his time on the internet? Is there a way to control that? I know that's just a tiny piece, but since the problem is meeting women online, is he willing to give up the computer time?

Also are there children involved?

Keep talking and be sure to try to take care of yourself. Exercise is also good during tense times.

Hi Blue, Sorry you are in such distress. It can be very difficult.

I've got a coaching background, so I tend to be someone who asks a lot of questions! LOL! My feeling from what you have said is that you aren't clear with yourself or with him what your boundaries are. What is your bottom line? What is unacceptable to you? We do teach people how to treat us to some degree.

Whether or not he makes a decision for him, you still get to make a decision for yourself in this marriage. While it seems right now that there is no one to comfort you other than him, that would not always be the case should you decide to end it.

What do you need for him to do?

And, I agree with Dotsie, what are you doing for yourself? Exercise, a massage, long talks with girlfriends....?

Blue66,

Welcome to BWS. I'm sorry that such a sad circumstance brings you to us.

I can so relate with what you are going through. There are no easy answers.

I had to trust myself to make the right decisions as I felt them come to me. I was on my own schedule in figuring things out and how I handled things.

I had two restraining orders from two different women show up on my doorstep two days in a row - when my life began to unravel.

I felt led to go through counseling with him - but drew very clear lines in the sand. "you have contact with other women - I'm out of here". So, he did, and I did. It was as simple as that.

My ex and I had a seemingly good marriage. He was an excellent lier and cheater. I was willing to give him a chance to keep his family - he just chose to keep making bad decisions.

I left the 22 yr marriage with my dignity in tact.

Trust yourself - listen - respond don't react (if you can).

You are not alone.

hugs,

Danita

I have learned in my many years on this planet, that a leopard does not change its spots. Oh, maybe for awhile but it doesn't last. He doesn't want the marriage dear lady, he wants the convenience of his cake (you caring for his every need)and eating it too.( his fun and games with other women.)

How dare he buy gifts for someone else, and why? How dare he decide not to go back to counciling with you, and why?

You deserve better!! He is a cheating piece of garbage... TIME to take out the TRASH!!!

IF it were me...I'd have kicked him out after finding him having internet relationships the first time...you've got more balls than I do...once a cheater, mostly always a cheater. The one thing in my life that I am certain of is that I will never tolerate a man cheating on me...in any way...internet, outernet, whatever. But, YOU have to decide what quality of life you want with a man...trust your gut...any man who truly loves you would not do this...just my opinion.

One wonders why on earth he is foisting on you, the decision of the marriage vs. divorce.

You need to think and plan for awhile..about your options. Take your time to look hard at the situation and future. Look at your financial situation. Do you have children?

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith

Blue, if you still love him and leave him, you won't be happy. If you still love him, then do everything to make this work, which includes giving him an ultimatum. Tell him it's up to him if he wants a happy marriage; not up to you. And if he should do this to you again,...then you have to decide for yourself; can you live with an unfaithful man or not. Many women do. I couldn't, but it isn't unusual for a woman to accept an unfaithful man. My mother was one.

Blue,
Been there, done that. I agree with chatty. He's not going to change. He spent all that money on a woman he never had "contact" with? If you put up with that, he's not the only one with issues. You deserve better than that.

Ditto...ditto....been there, done that. I was one of those women who waited 2 years, two years of my precious life thinking "he'll change, he'll stop." Nope. Now he's married to her and one of the most miserable men I know. Blue, from what I see, even from your old posts of almost 3 years ago, nothing has changed and it won't. Think of yourself for a change and let him hang himself. You can't change him, trust me.