Why would my husband lie to his sons, who called him on his cell phone, about where he was instead of telling them he was with me for the week end? He told them he was busy, in meetings.

Because lying is a web that he is so caught up in, he does it by habit. And possibly becuse he's been bad-mouthing you to his sons (and/or not disputing their negative comments) that he feels it would be easier to lie to them than to explain why he's with you.

I get the feeling that this man lies his way through most everything. I'd be more surprised if he ever told the truth.

Dianne, I wouldn't want to be nor would I be with any man that was ashamed or afraid to say he was 'with' me for any reason he had in his pea brain....Look up the word with and you'll find: Accompanying, Next to, Possessed of, In support of, By the means of. None of these definitions seem to describe what your husband is with you.....You of all people my dear lady should know the signs and hear these kinds of things on your own site probably more often that not. The man is a liar and weak and dare I go on, guess not. Drop this toad....

That would make me furious. Seems to me that you should confront the issue with both your husband and his sons there. When he said that on the phone, I would like to have said, "Hey, what am I? Chopped meat?" Or something along that line.

Of course, far too often I am a slow thinker in those situations and don't do those forceful things. However, before kicking him out which would only play into his son's hands, I might try handling it with forceful humor of some kind. My third husband was an expert at defusing uncomfortable situtations like that. I have tried his techniques and they often work. If you could make some joke of it where the sons could hear, maybe they would stop tyring to manipulate you into leaving their father.

I just talked to a friend in a similar situation. Her daughter has her so intimidated about her husband that she has left him. Weird. I think if they weren't both so willing to allow their lives to be run by a child they would still be together and everyone would be better off, including the daughter who does not 'need' that kind of power.

The pain of that kind of intimidation is only eased by facing up to it. If you leave because of those kinds of things, you are just being manipulated by the sons.
Just my take on the situation.
smile

Dianne, in his own weird way, your husband was probably justifying his lie by saying he was in a meeting... with you. It sounds like he would much rather face you with a lie than face his sons.

This man has disappointed you to no end. We can hear the pain in your words.

What redeeming qualities does he have that keeps you going back for more?

There must be something . . .?

He's a good man other than this son thing. I think he decided that his sons were so hurt by the divorce from their mother, he was going to make sure they didn't get hurt anymore. He's very closed emotionally. His family doesn't talk about issues. They just talk behind each others backs!

I opened up to my son last night about this and he really did make me feel better. He said, "Mom, you can't make him say or do something he isn't going to do or say." He's so right. I've noticed that if I point something out to my husband and then, just back away, he'll eventually come around. If I try to push him to take action, he goes out of his way to not do it...passive aggressive behavior.

I think my husband was trying to avoid confrontation with his son, who lives here in town. He was here but didn't go see him. But it isn't just because of my problem with him but because he's lazy and won't get a job and my husband is furious with him. But now, I hear that his son is telling people I won't allow my husband to give him a job in his company in MN and that's why he's broke and jobless. I guess you gotta blame someone, right? And it seems I'm the one who is going to be blamed for everything. I'm sure I caused the war in Iraq. I have to put myself in a frame of mind that says, who cares? Think and say what you want to think and say. I also think I need to take a communications break from my husband. We're supposed to meet in MN on the 22nd to go to Paris and I think I'll suggest that we don't talk until then and if he meets me at the airport, fine. If he doesn't, I'll go to Paris by myself. Maybe he needs to feel that I'm really not there? Hell, I don't know. I do feel better tho and I really, really appreciate your input and take it to heart.

Okay, this is weird, but is it possible that in his own sick way he was protecting you from more angst from the step-son? If he told him he was with you hi son would probably be mad at you and have more reasons to find fault with why his wasn't with him. Sorta make sense?

Perhaps he's trying to end some of the fueding between you and step-son. What he needs to realize is that it's perfectly fine and healthy to be with his wife!

Well Dotsie, I can see your point of view. I believe you just step up to the plate and solve a problem instead of letting it linger. I think he believes that if you ignore it, everything will work itself out. So, I have made a decision to ignore all of them and do my own thing. I can't tell you how much better I feel.

OK here goes,

Dianne, I am going to make a suggestion(note suggestion) here.

Ask son number 1 and 2 out to lunch separately. No one else but the two of you. Tell him it's about time you two got together and did some bonding. Tell him that you care about him because he is your husband's son and you kinda like him but don't know him enough.Whatever issues he has with Dad, is between him and Dad.

Then leave it alone. Go on to chat about HIM and only HIM, chat, make some jokes, have a toast to you both becoming good friends. Give him a hug when you drop him off.(yep, you pick him and the tab up)

When you get home, call and say how much you enjoyed your lunch and hope to do it again soon.

When you're husband has "issues" with his sons, stay clear and say "sorry honey, but thats between you and (?).I ain't got no horse in this race....yada yada.

In 3 months,you will be a saint to those guys, not to mention hubby.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to make friends out of your enemies...and one of the most rewarding.

Yep, I know...I did it 3 times and all 3 are the best of friends with me.

Can u imagine where it stands now?

Just yesterday one of them said to me...I thought you were gonna be like my Dad when I first met you...but,I can talk to you...better than anyone else.(His Dad is fine, he still needs to own up to that, but I'm guiding him)

(Little did he know, that he was my biggest challenge of the 3)

Little do either of them know what my plans were and how they'd turn out.
But I did it.

MOH says...What do you and the boys talk about all the time? I say...oh nuthin much
They trust that I won't run to their Dad with anything.(Illegal, immoral or fattening don't count)

When I run across someone who appears not to like me( mostly women), I target that person. I never talk about me, I ask them about themselves, their family, etc,etc.

Some of my good friends started out this way.

But you know what's best about all of this?

It's "My" little secret to myself.

I'll be praying for you all the way.
Open up your heart, be genuine, and God will do the rest.

And last but not least.Don't make excuses...you can do this.

chickadee

As I stated before...this is only my suggestion...but tried and true...

This suggestion Chickadee has worked for me many times with other WOMEN and maybe would be Dianne's answer especially if done slow and easy and if these boys/men were receptive to her advances in their behalf. Seems like sound advice and it beats the hell out of fighting, hurt feelings or just giving up as I probably would have done. Kiking them all to the curb. I just figured something out for myself by reading all you ladies posts, lightbulb moment!! I do not treat the men in my life the same as I treat the women. Could be a major flaw and answer some of my questions about trust and friendships....Hope it helps Dianne and things work out for you all. Paris,wow, how exciting!