My wife left me on thursday. She dropped the ever dreaded phrase "I am not in love with you anymore" After much discussion after cooling off she came around and said that I am too unpredictable and sometimes she is scared of what I might do.

I have never hit her, but she just doesn't know...and neither do I. Sometimes I wonder if I might slip. She also states I degrade her with names and vulgarities. I only did that when I was upset and after I cool off I forget about it.

When I asked her how long it's been since she was "in love" with me she said about six months...which is about the time I finally controlled my anger and dealt with it in a more positive level.I am afraid that it may be too late and she will not see how I have grown and learned from this.

She has moved out and now stays at her cousins house a few miles away and wants to remain friends. The problem is that I can not be just friends with her. How can she see what I am if she is not home. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I can not lose her which is why I am making this drastic change. To think of her being with someone else just kills me.....any suggestions ladies?

You make light of your temper. You both "just don't know" when it will go off?

Gee, I have a time bomb here and I just don't know when it will go off. I have a knife here and I just don't know when it will slip. But hey, it's no big deal.

You verbally abused her ONLY when you were upset? And then you forgot about it? Actually, you haven't forgotten because you're writing about it now. And I bet it was MORE than just a few times, and she'll never forget.

You're upset that she left you? Frankly, you should be grateful that she didn't kill you from what I suspect has been years of verbal and emotional abuse.

If you really learned anything from all this, apply it to your next relationship, because your wife has moved on. You kept thinking that the abuse couldn't be that bad because she was still there taking it. Well, it was -- and she isn't. You've lost her; you're to blame, and I hope for all the women on this planet that your "drastic change" is permanent.

You know you'll be kicked off this site tomorrow. It would be good if you read my answer before this entire thread is deleted.

I emailed him and deleted him from the forums.

Dotsie, if you can send me his email addy I'll direct him to my site so the women there can tell him what anger, explosion and name calling does to another person.

Glad you deleted him. some guys just don't get it!

There was nothing about his post which sounded un-legitimate. He was neither rude nor insulting. He got trashed by a couple of posters who had only the barest facts about his situation, and then he was deleted as a user.

Although I realize this is a womens forum, to my eyes he was rather badly treated and then thrown out. It might have been more helpful to him if the conversation had been able to develop further. I must say that I don't think this was handled well.

I need to agee with mrs_madness,

This young man was seeking some VERY needed advice....we all need to help each other overcome our adverse natures....and tho' we are here as women, seeking friendship and counsel from one another, would we NOT want to give counsel to a young man? To change something that affects all of us? Not to mention the daughters of the future? I personally think that this was a golden chance to perhaps save someone - and we failed. I feel that these forums are a chance to better our culture, women certainly, and women of age, but if women of age can't give sagely advice, then who can? All of us have anger at someone at our age, but can we not go that place above? To see the BIG picture? C'mon women, we can do better than this.....

Searcher

No, he wasn't rude and insulting to us...just to his wife. Oh, don't take me there. I work with the results of this kind of behavior and it isn't pretty. Abusers of any kind are always searching for someone to back them up in their false belief that outbursts and fear don't end a marriage.

Dotsie set this up as a women only site and we can't allow just one and get rid of the others.

I think Dotsie handled it fine. Personally, I don't want to have men on this site. It would change the chemistry we have totally and not for the better. There are PLENTY of other avenues this man can take to get educated and grow into the man he needs to be to have a decent woman in his life. There may be opportunities for me to contribute to the education, but I would rather not on BWS.

Daisygirl

Dianne,

I so agree. Well, in part. Yes, he WAS abusing his wife. And this cannot be tolerated - in any way. But I feel we had an opportunity to guide him in the right direction - to GET SOME HELP from somewhere. So that he would not continue to do this to any othe woman. I feel uncomfortable to just say, " you are not welcome here, get out" . Leaving him to all the devices he has employed in his past and not giving him any alternatives. After all, we would like to CHANGE his ideas, wouldn't we? I think we CAN. It's possible. I do think there are things we cannot change, or are so difficult that we can't find the resources to spend (pedophiles)but abusers CAN be rehabilitated and wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just set ONE on the right track?

Searcher