This is a bit heavy. Up until 2 days ago, I'd never even heard of the word "acedia". But suddenly this word began cropping up everywhere I looked. I finally googled it and found an amazing wealth of information. At first it seemed daunting, but after reading through several resources, I found it enlightening and, well, even hopeful for me personally. It resounded so strongly that I can't help but believe that it's no accident that I've been encountering the word so much in the past couple of days.

Has anyone else heard of this? Lola, have you come across this in your theological studies? I've taken various theology courses for over 30 years, and for many years had a special passion for reading the writings of the monastics and mystics, like St John of the Cross, but never came across this, or at least it never made an impact before now...though I have been living it off and on for so much of my life, always using either the psychological term "dysthemia" (chronic depression) when it felt like imbalance, or St John's term "dark night of the soul" when it felt spiritual.

This was the most helpful (and hopeful) resource thus far:

http://www.hermitary.com/solitude/acedia.html

Acedia is a state of the soul where one has been tempted to plunge oneself in a state of emptiness of consolations, despite prayer in times of spiritual aridity. It gives rise to something almost akin to spiritual repugnance of anything that is of God's. Theologians refer to it as spiritual sloth. It CAN happen during the dark nights of the soul when a prolonged trial in life causes "dryness" of the spirit.

The resolve is to pray with an undivided heart but most of all, trust and love.

I pray unceasingly, all of the time; even when busy with other activities or other people, there is always prayer going on deep underneath. I can feel it, hear it and can sense constant Presence and Companionship even in the midst of chaos. So sometimes, during quieter moments or intentional contemplative times, the prayer is with undivided heart, or as much as is possible at those moments; but often, especially during the day, it is admittedly with divided attention and distractiveness; but even then my soul often feels itself to be kneeling in prayer even when the rest of me, especially my mind, is running around doing what it thinks needs to be done. Every day I invite/ask that the Holy Spirit will continue praying, especially for loved ones and special intentions, even when my mind gets too foggy or forgetful...and I trust that that's why my inner being often feels itself to be in a stance of prayer even when the rest of me isn't.

That hasn't changed even through the devastating changes that my life has gone through in the past couple of years. However, my conscious prayer life has changed drastically. I suppose that sounds unreal, how the inner sanctuary still burns with fervent passion for a God that the conscious part of me wrestles with! That part of me wants desperately to believe and trust with complete surrender, but that part of me has also been hugely wounded and cannot comprehend or process the utter sense of abandonment I feel because of these changes - which I brought to God at the time with a heart FULL of trust and love, only to be inexplicably betrayed. Or at least that's how it feels. And that DID lead to a spiritual repugnance, a long period of deadness within, and a deliberate refusal to acknowledge this God, my lifelong beloved trusted companion, who could so easily and callously betray me to that extent. Something deep inside of me knows that's not the case, but still it took me a long to time to forgive God...now I just need to find that inner sanctuary and enkindle those smouldering embers back into the fire it wants to be again.

I'm working through it all, and know that God is working through it with me, understanding my anger, pain and sense of abandonment. Everytime I plead with Him for answers, I hear the same thing, a two-fold message: "There is more going on than you can see right now, but all is as it should be" and in response to my pleading as to why I can't feel better: "...because you don't know that you are loved."

I can see how acedia would have been the bane and temptation of even the most profoundly spiritual...for me, the closer I get to God, the more questions I have about the "why" of so much misery and cruelty in the world - that's so inexplicable and I still cannot reconcile those "why's" with a God I KNOW loves beyond our ability to even imagine. I think that the only way through (for me) is to surrender myself to trust that there always is more going on than we can see, and to simplify my needs and wants to the point where I don't depend on anything or anyone else for the essential vitality of my life - right now that elicits bleakness, but maybe that's because I'm not there yet.

Would you like me to walk with you in this spiritual journey, Eagle? I do not understand chronic depression but, where the experience of that circumstance overlaps the spiritual, I extend the friendship of my heart and pray with you, as many here do.



Could it be possible that you are already in the "there, Eagle? You continue to move towards God.



Our inner peace will always be distracted by the "why". To regain that spiritual experience, the soul must exist purely through faith, love and trust. It is not the inability to pray but, for prayer to reach another level which is the point where one accepts what God gives and willingly surrender what God takes. When the soul is in union with God and wishes nothing other than what God wishes then it progresses towards Perfectae Caritatis i.e. Perfection of Charity. That was the journey of St John of the Cross and all other saints in similar dark nights of the soul.

Eagle, just want to say I will be following you on this journey; not participating, - just reading. There is no better guide and companion than Lola for this.

id second that ED.
Eagle are you gonna be making your progression public as in posting heer? or are you gonna keep it private?

it might be a good one for some of us to joine in on or at lest ponder on As always the choice is yours

hope the journeys well and the beliving and trusting goes on even if you can't see what you can't see (yet)

Lola, your offer of companionship-along-the-way brings me to tears. I do suffer from chronic depression and am easily able to find help for that through psychological means. But when it, as you say, overlaps the spiritual, I feel more in need of a good spiritual mentor/director, and that is much more difficult to find. The line between the two can get fuzzy and it is sometimes hard to determine which one is at play. But I've known for quite some time now that the part of me that hurts the most is my soul. I can find a good psychologist to help me so far, but haven't been able to find anyone who can go into the depths of my spiritual agony with me.

There was a time, before death struck at the very core of my life, when I existed almost entirely on faith, love and trust. I weathered the death of my Dad okay, normal grief process. And losing Mom became more of a journey of reconciliation with my inner self than anything. But the loss of my brother through cancer, combined with the loss of another brother and many other beloved family members because of another unresolved and ongoing (devastating) situation was the straw that broke that camel's back, so to speak. That accumulation of loss is at the core of my sense of abandonment and betrayal. Yes, grief is still at play, but beyond the grief, there is an utterly miserable feeling of having been forsaken by this Someone who has been faithful, loving, kind, responsive and present through every other facet of my life up until now.

I know my love for Him has to be for Him-as-He-is and not for what He can do for me; and He's not the master magician who can wave a magic wand and make everything better. My faith has grown beyond all of that and accepts the need to transition into a purer relationship between soul and Creator, both as is and both as each must be in the course of Creation continuing to unfold.

Yes, the "why" is the prickly bush that keeps me from progressing. The "why" of having it all one day and then in the twinkling of an eye, having nothing left. Surely (I ask Him) You could have devised a more merciful timetable?!

Anyway, hubby's calling, we're out for errands. I don't know how others would feel about me taking parts of this journey here. I do know that a caring companion-along-this-way would be welcome. Thank you Lola, Edelweiss and Celtic for your care. It helps.

Eagle,
I KNOW about depression: It is nasty stuff. I experienced what it can do to a person and I've witnessed what it can to others. An extremely wise lady told me recently, "Do NOT ask why." And being the weak human being that I am, I ask God why all the time. But tragedy strikes everyone; and we all struggle with the same issues. Look around and size up what others are battling right now. For example, soldiers and their families: Men and women are being shot trying to defend America's freedom. Nursing homes are filled with people in wheelchairs, rolling themselves round: some don't have legs; some don't have an arm. Others push buttons
to operate motors, their bodies are nearly, totally paralyzed. Think of abandoned babies or battered wives. Think of anything but don't concentrate on your own pain. Read the Bible. Talk to God. Think what Christ went through when He walked the earth. No one was more abused. No one suffered more. Everyone turned against Him. And He was their Maker. If I was near to you, we'd go out for lunch and a movie. Reach for flesh 'n blood friendship, too. This site is awesome but you also need real people that hug and hold you. "No man is an island!" I don't know the person that quoted that, but I know it's true. Sorry if this sounded like a sermon. Believe me, I'm in no position to preach. I'm just sharing what I've learned and am still learning! Love and prayers and blessings,

Eagle,
Was working on a manuscript when it dawned on me that you are
a Canadian Citizen; therefore, my soldiers example was a bit
buffoonish. Sorry about that. But I know, you know what I'm saying. Don't swim in the pain. Pray for joy. That might seem
impossible, given all the heartache you've faced. But give it
a try. It can't hurt. I pray for joy everyday. Because I sure
could use some! I don't even know if your country celebrates
Thanksgiving. If you do, have a good one. If you don't, have a
good day, anyway!

Dearest Eagle Heart

Oh honey, I soooooooooo hear your questioning heart and the pain it brings. You have brought so much wisdom to so many on this list and you reached out to me with words of wisdom and comfort when I needed it most. I would love to be there for you...I am there for you. I have railed against God, had my own dark night of the soul (many of them actually), and spent more years than I care to count with depression. I can't know you unique situation, I guess none of us can really know exactly what another is going through inside their own being, AND I am here for you.

I would be honored to walk this path with you, if you feel it would be of use. You need only say the word and I am "there"...if you would prefer to talk rather than write, my number is yours for the asking (just sent me a PM!).

Sending you prayers of joy and blessing and whatever may be best for you in your personal situation.