I read an interesting blog post today, by woman I'm not familiar with. She's Evelyn Kalinosky and her post for the day was called, How Tolerating Hold Back Midlife Women

Part of what she said is here:


Among the dozen things Evelyn confesses to tolerating:
* Thinking small
* Procrastinating
* Being afraid of being successful
* Emotional vampires

By the way, at the end of this post, Evelyn offers her coaching services. I want to be perfectly clear that I don't know Evelyn, I am not endorsing her services and I make nothing from linking to her post. I'm not intending to be promoting her services in any way. My only intent here is to share her thoughts as I ponder over what things in my life I ought to get rid of so that my life runs better.

So let's talk about this: what is there in your life that you tolerate that you know you ought to jettison?

For me, I'd start my list with this: Not delegating or outsourcing things that I don’t do well so I can concentrate on what I’m good at doing.

For the last 3-4 months, my VA has been sick, and I've been doing all the posting to the NABBW sites myself. I'm not that good at it, I'm a perfectionist, and doing it all myself means we're not posting content as often as we used to... I need to find a new VA.

For me not tolerating emotion vampires has been a learning curve.I just did not know until midlife that such people existed..I now sense their actions before many others and
gravitate to people who dont have this in their agenda.

I agree with this statement..I will think about others and look forward to hearing others' thoughts

I don't even know where to begin...the list of "self-imposed obligations" that I've allowed to hold me back would fill a small notebook. It's only recently that I've finally woken up to the liberating empowerment of giving myself permission to define myself in every way, including what to think (as opposed to constantly blowing in the wind because I believed that everyone else knew better) and who to be.

I can particularly identify with #9: "Trying to fit into someone else’s idea of a work schedule (when I do best when I follow my energy cycles throughout the day)"...that's definitely me! Living all my life by other people's schedules and energy levels always left me feeling depleted, exhausted, scattered and a constant failure.

I was also struck by the emotion vampire, but from the other direction...I'm pretty sure that I WAS an emotion vampire for much of the past 10+ years. I think I'm not anymore. But I do remember being constantly afraid that it was true and that I was constantly sucking the joy and life out of anyone who touched my life. Thankfully, it appears to have been a passing stage (fueled by grief and what now looks like severe hormonal issues which have been resolved by surgery a few years ago.) Ironically, it has opened my eyes to emotion vampires in my own life, particularly in Cuba this past visit. And I was able to finally say "enough" and establish boundaries, which helped immensely.

An interesting blog...I wish I'd read something like this many years ago!

We recently had a discussion on Facebook (with Lynn Tolson) about the whole issue of seeking approval, and how debilitating our (perceived) need/hunger for approval can be.

I was thinking about that discussion and this one here, and wondering how much that need for approval can also hold us back.

When someone believes (even subconsciously) that they need or "should have" someone else's approval before making a decision or making choices, the unfulfillment of that need can lead to stress, confusion, and even trigger bizarre behaviors. We clearly see this in children, but I think it's still very much an undercurrent in how many adults interact, in the workplace, in personal relationships and in social situations as well.

In our discussion with Lynn, the common consensus was that there was great liberty and empowerment when we finally let go of that need for approval and dare to define ourselves and our choices by our own criteria...which is similar to what Kalinosky writes about in her blog.

I don't know if anyone else has read some of the comments to that blog, but I found one in particular that I liked: "we so much find our strength when we put our limits in place. It is the banks of the river that give the water flow. W/o (without) banks we, ourselves, are as scattered as spilled milk. W/o defined direction." (sic)

I like that image...when we establish boundaries for ourselves, those boundaries become like the banks of the river that keep it flowing where WE decide we want it to flow...without those boundaries in place, the water (ie, the people and the influence they have on our lives and choices) scatters everywhere.

Great to hear from some folks not heard often ...wish Lynne would drop by here.

I don't use FB. I spend enough time elsewhere.

I have to watch myself for not trying to save the world. I fall into this trap at work.

I believe we must set boundaries and continue to uphold these safeguards for its when these boundaries are breached difficulties occur.So the river bank analogy is a good one.

Also have respect for other peoples boundaries

I think we have no choice but to set boundaries for ourselves if we are not to be consumed by everyone else's needs. I think part of growing up is in learning just how much you can tolerate. We all have stresses at work, family, friends, personal challenges, etc. You cannot help others if you can't manage to keep yourself on an even keel.

I'm afraid I got to learn a lot of this fairly early because I and my husband have such a high percentage of relatives who are really nonfunctional in an ordinary way. I cannot let their craziness become my craziness. I have had to do the same at work -- trying to be pleasant but not allowing myself to be drawn into soap-opera-type stuff.

On the internet, I'm trying to avoid places that are too negative or that just don't meet my needs. The great thing about all this is that you don't have to make a big speech about how you have found yourself. You can just quietly decline to attend a function, you can block the newsfeeds of even friends on Facebook who choose to use it for ranting, etc.

This goes to not seeking approval, which I'm afraid we're all taught to do even on things that don't matter. Here's an example from me: I don't color my hair. I'm not justifying this choice to anyone else. If someone is bothered by it, that's their problem, not mine. I'm also not attempting to get a tan because my only pigment appears to be freckles. There's no moral imperative in either of these behaviors. They're just fashion/ society stuff. The more of this stuff we do -- the more we accept ourselves and strive for good health -- the better off we are.

We spend years fitting in..our first home..the rules there.Then school and other education.Workplace next.
Its when we set our own person rules that boundaries get established.Maybe to be knocked down and rebuilt time and time again.When people steam roller through our "Sacred ground" we may feel uncomfortable but I call that growth.

I think this is why the Internet was such a blessing to me a few years back...because of severe panic attacks, chronic fatigue and depression, I couldn't handle social situations at all...but living in isolation wasn't working out well either. Places like BWS and Facebook became the perfect "safety nets" during that struggle to find my way through ...when discussions became too negative, stressful or diminishing, it was so much easier to walk away and focus instead on the positive messaging that was more helpful.

I love that freedom! I love the freedom to pick and choose where to spend my time and energy, and especially which social situations and conversations I allow myself to be drawn into. And I love the freedom to not have to tolerate anything that diminishes me/others...learning how to just walk away here on various Internet sites has taught me how to do the same in "real life" and that has made a huge difference in my ability to handle real-time social situations now.