We recently found out that, as my stepmother is gravely ill, she is "allowing" her kids to come to her house to take antiques etc since she knows she is dying.

She said to my Dad that "you may not give them their stuff" once she is gone. Dad is taking care of her 100% of the time.....very exhausted with the cooking/cleaning etc. He is doing the right thing by that, we know. But what can we do about this? Are her kids "right" in taking what is "theirs" before she dies?

Di, I lost my step-father over a year ago and I firmly believe that sharing each other's grief allows for profound moments of intimacy. These are precious moments and you step-mother wanting to share her antiques with her children is her way of sharing and saying goodbye.

I wish that someone would help your father with the household activities -- perhaps family members or Church volunteers.

With heartfelt sympathy,

Mustang

WEll, it's deeper than this. Her kids are money hungry..and they have valuables. I think one of us (I am not living near them) should contact the daughter and have a pre-scheduled time for the stuff to be taken. We have to protect our Dad and his belongings as well.

Oooh! This gets into some really sticky stuff. You DO need to find a way to make sure they don't rob your father of stuff that is his or jointly owned by your father and step-mother.

This is where having everything spelled out in wills is a good idea. But if that hasn't been done, is there a trust officer, an attorney or office of the court who can we called on?

A pre-scheduled time for stuff to be taken is also a good idea, probably with someone present who can act as an arbitrator or otherwise oversee the "gifting."

Ideally you or one of your sibs can be present at that time to represent your father's side of the equation.

My prayers are with you. Also, we'd had at least one article from member Julie Hall about this on NABBW.com in the member articles section. She is known as "The Estate Lady," and she got into the estate business after one of her elderly clients was robbed of all her stuff by friends and family -- except that no one could be charged because she knowingly let them take her "stuff."

Here is a link to her articles: NABBW Member Julie Hall, "The Estate Lady"

Hope this helps!

Anne

One more things that makes this really sticky, Di, is that Mustang is right.

Your step-mother MAY be doing this in order to have some time to be with her kids here before she dies, and to make sure they know the family stories that accompany the gifts.

I agree that this may be an opportunity for the step-mother to spend time with her kids but I can't help wonder how much of this is just the stubbornness of a woman who's lived a longer life and has come to terms with her health and I can't also help but see the other side-- what if the grand kids are money hungry? I think this depends on the type of relationship they have with the step-mom.

The only reason I say this is because I am dealing with my best friend whose mother refused to live under any special care. She stayed at home and did the same thing, passed on her belongings as if she had already passed away. She was resolved that her time was over and just wanted to move her life as quickly as possible to the next generation regardless of their intent. I think like many of those who had posted before me-- hit it on the head, your step-mom has not passed away yet, you can't let her 'live' like she's counting down the days, let her enjoy every little bit that is left, through a set structure and even quality time with the kids and grandkids - which means hands off of the personal belongings. She is still here!

I wish you the best in this situation and peace and love for the family!

Di,
Good luck here. These are sticky circumstances 4 sure! I've only had negative experiences with "step" family issues, so I'll watch what I say. I'm sure there are good "steps" out there, somewhere. U can't prove the elderly don't willingly sign everything away or give everything away when nobody is around! Bad guys know this! And evildoers take full advantage of older people needing and wanting love and attention. Some stepchildren do criminal acts and then blame their evildoing on the step-parent's closest friends and family, in-order to take the spotlight off that underhandedness. And good conartists can make authorities and strangers believe their lies. If you suspect dad is being mistreated, get proof before confronting anyone: take pictures, tapes, recordings whatever but get proof!!! Prayers and blessings!!!

I agreee with jabber, document what she owns and so no one can just breeze in and out with whatever they can carry.