Another Unexpected Grief Trigger

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 02:43 AM

Okay, I need to share this - precisely because of the nature of this trigger.

Hubby's sister and her husband are here. Two of my very favourite people. I love being with them. But lately, we've been spending more time than usual with hubby's side of the family. I love his family, and this isn't about them - it's just that being with them has triggered another "new" awareness of loss.

Whenever his family gather together, whether it be his daughter, son, siblings or cousins, they do what most families do - they share family stories. In hubby's case, much of this is done in French which I can't understand well or participate in at all. That's my fault, for not being more diligent about learning French. I accept that. Add to that, because I'm his second wife, there is a huge part of his life that I wasn't a part of anyway. So I don't know the language, the people involved, the histories they're talking about or the circumstances surrounding the stories.

So, I've accepted this, often I just bring a book and find a quiet corner and read while all of this story-telling is going on. And I've encouraged and supported him 100% in spending as much time as possible with his family.

But this week, it really hit me hard when I did try to participate in the story-swapping by sharing a relevant story from my own family. It was not received, it fell into a deep dark black hole...they just stepped right over it as if I hadn't said a word and the conversation immediately switched to French, not intentionally, but effectively shutting me out once again. It's just the way it is, always has been, always will be, and I've long accepted that.

But this time, what hit me so hard was the realization that I have NOBODY LEFT to share my stories with - there will never again be a gathering of my side of the family, and there will never again be a "safe" place to share, and nobody left to listen to, laugh at or care about MY family stories...there is nobody left who genuinely wants to hear those stories, who knows and would be interested in any of the people involved.

I tried to explain this to hubby, but he can't understand the immensity of that loss. His response was to remind me of all of the losses HE has suffered lately and that he's hurting too. I was taken aback, because I've been very supportive of him in his losses, even while in excruciating grief over my own. But the fact still remains that he still has four siblings, two children, two grandchildren and tons of cousins - all of whom we visit frequently enough to keep HIS family stories alive and well.

I've had a rough few days over this. It really makes me feel so terribly alone. But do you know what one thing has helped me more than anything? My miracle pants. Laugh if you want to, but everytime my mind wants to start thinking "who cares anymore", I remember my mended jeans and it makes me smile, because God knew that those would be a constant and unshakeable reminder that HE cares - about even the tiniest details of my life - including my family stories, and the sadness I feel over that loss. Being a story-teller Himself, He would understand.

I know I'm lucky to have hubby's family to lean against...they have long accepted and shown how deeply they love me. It's not their fault that I cannot participate in their family stories, though some of them (the sister who's here especially) do try hard to remember to include me in these family gatherings. But it will never be the same as having my own family to gather, story-tell and laugh with.

Maybe it would be easier/different if I had my own children.

But I do thank God for my beloved grandchildren - because I've been a part of their lives since they were born, someday their family stories will include ME TOO. We already tell stories, and some of them even include Gary! How wonderful is that!

Anyway, see why I had to share this here? Having "here" to come and share this story helps to lessen the "agony of absence". I'm so grateful that I have you and this safe place to share stories and triggers with.

Posted by: orchid

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 04:05 AM

Quote:

But this time, what hit me so hard was the realization that I have NOBODY LEFT to share my stories with - there will never again be a gathering of my side of the family, and there will never again be a "safe" place to share, and nobody left to listen to, laugh at or care about MY family stories...there is nobody left who genuinely wants to hear those stories, who knows and would be interested in any of the people involved.

I tried to explain this to hubby, but he can't understand the immensity of that loss. His response was to remind me of all of the losses HE has suffered lately and that he's hurting too. I was taken aback, because I've been very supportive of him in his losses, even while in excruciating grief over my own. But the fact still remains that he still has four siblings, two children, two grandchildren and tons of cousins - all of whom we visit frequently enough to keep HIS family stories alive and well.

I've had a rough few days over this. It really makes me feel so terribly alone. But do you know what one thing has helped me more than anything? My miracle pants. Laugh if you want to, but everytime my mind wants to start thinking "who cares anymore", I remember my mended jeans and it makes me smile, because God knew that those would be a constant and unshakeable reminder that HE cares - about even the tiniest details of my life - including my family stories, and the sadness I feel over that loss. Being a story-teller Himself, He would understand.

I know I'm lucky to have hubby's family to lean against...they have long accepted and shown how deeply they love me. It's not their fault that I cannot participate in their family stories, though some of them (the sister who's here especially) do try hard to remember to include me in these family gatherings. But it will never be the same as having my own family to gather, story-tell and laugh with.

Maybe it would be easier/different if I had my own children.

But I do thank God for my beloved grandchildren - because I've been a part of their lives since they were born, someday their family stories will include ME TOO. We already tell stories, and some of them even include Gary! How wonderful is that!

Anyway, see why I had to share this here? Having "here" to come and share this story helps to lessen the "agony of absence". I'm so grateful that I have you and this safe place to share stories and triggers with.

I will never have my own children, EAgle. But it is a choice I made in my 20's, when I realized I couldn't muster up enough maternal feelings. ..even after witnessing cute nieces and nephews popping up in life.

I remind myself that not all children demonstrate their appreciation to their parents, when they grow up as adults. Some cut off contact with good parents. Now that must be awfully painful..to me..much more than choosing not to have children.

As for the family stories in another language..I know what you mean since my partner increasingly must speak with his mother in German. But I know the lady when she didn't have dementia and spoke more in English. I have the memory of those wonderful chats with his mother. I also recognize the importance for him to retain his German fluency, by USING it. Just as he is in a fog, when he visits my family when he hasn't bothered to learn Chinese. In a way, he and I are mutually understanding in this way for each other.

Eagle, I will not see my family this year..I'm not sure about next year. flights are not cheap. I think some of us wonder as we try to learn through you, how we will each deal with tremendous family member loss.

For the stories that you can no longer discuss with another family member, you ..already share them with us, here on BWS. So thank you.

I'm not sure...have you written any stories, done videos, etc.

I have a friend whose brother made a 1/2 hr. documentary that was aired nationally...about the family's fortune cookie making machine and business when the father was alive. the film was made after his death. I think the film was enormously cathartic to the family and filmaker.

This story takes place in Calgary, in the Chinatown there.

I know for myself..the memory making and reliving those old family stories....came alive when i did volunteer work for several years in the area of race relations, human rights and immigrant support services. this was before I switched to cycling.

There is another right family for you, Eagle in this big world, where you can tell the same stories and help others.

I think I know where I can find my community family to relive those family stories and help the next generation...

Posted by: Edelweiss

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 06:00 AM

There is not anything more isolating then being with a group of people that master a language fluently, in which you can’t comfortably participate in.

I know that feeling Eagle. I experienced it my first years here in Germany. The only way I over came that isolation was to learn the language fluently.

Sharing family stories was one of the reasons why I always said I want two children, so they can share later in life. But we are your sisters here, and you can share with us. Maybe opening a thread with special family stories would be a start?

Posted by: ladyjane

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 08:50 AM

Eagle, thanks so much for sharing your feelings. It reminds me of/and makes me much more aware of my husband's losses. He still has two living daughters and two living sisters who are all estranged. There is no one, not ONE relative whom he can share with. The other night while sitting by our backyard fire pit, we exchanged old stories. Having only known each other for five years now, we can still share so many with freshness. I've always encouraged him to tell those and your sharing has encouraged me more to often bring these out for him, even if they're not the happiest of memories....anything at all that will help him to be connected to his past. Yes, we could always begin to share some fun memories with each other, even though we weren't connected to each other. I did so last winter when we got going about high school pranks!

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 12:36 PM

You gals are so wonderful. Thank you for receiving my tale of woe and CARING. I feel more positive this morning, probably in part because of the wonderful gift of being able to share here.

Orchid, thank you for your insights. I hope you will be able to get home to see your family. Our DIL is from Beijing and was planning to go home for a visit this summer. They should have booked their flights a year ago when they first decided to go, because now the fares have more than doubled. They decided to wait. But when she called her parents to tell them, they surprised her by telling her that they were going to try to fly over here to visit her here. She's delighted, as are we (we love her parents so much, they're both shining spirits who radiate peace and positive energy.)

I like the idea of putting family stories together in some sort of format. It will have to wait until the crisis that has pulled our family apart is over and we can begin to heal and reconnect...perhaps this idea of story-gathering will help pull us back together...but at this time, and for some time to come, getting together is not possible.

Edelweiss, you do understand! I've tried so hard to master the French language...it's frustrating that I was able to do so much better in Spanish. I took it all through school, I've taken courses, I'm married to a French husband, and I speak enough to participate to a point, but then I seem to hit a block and just can't absorb anymore. But I have never given up - I keep trying, and keep learning.

Ladyjane, your husband is so blessed to have such an understanding, caring, supportive companion-along-the-way through these years. My hubby cares, but is just not able to sit still long enough to listen to my family stories - he's heard them all before, and he's not capable of "just listening" - he always has to counter them with how much luckier/richer/well-fed and better off we were then his family - which is true - and then I feel guilty (even though it wasn't my fault that his family was so poor). It effectively silences me from ever wanting to share my precious memories, because I cringe at the inevitable critical commentaries.

So he has no end of interested listeners to his stories (including me) and revels in the joy of having a captive audience almost everywhere we go - and I have nobody, and he doesn't "get" that difference at all.

But there's a way to rise above this, there always is and I'll find it. For now, being able to come here and warm my cold lonely toes against the warm hearth of my BWS sisters is more of a joy and blessing than ever.

Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 07:24 PM

Eagle
I so understand your expression.Its their loss and to open up then be overlooked is hard.
What we have hear is a chance to share...and be heard.I know part of the reason I am here is that I want to widen my knowing about other women..how they grew up and how they live now.By hearing others' stories we make sense of our own.
Mountain ash

Posted by: gims

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/29/08 08:11 PM

Suggestions (suggestions only - you know circumstances best)

* Coach husband to stand up for you in the story telling sessions.

* Talk with the sister-n-law you know and trust best. Ask her for suggestions and/or advocacy.

* Take a friend who has some funny French stories to the next gathering and let her break you in.

* Tell family neutral stories that WOW them, getting them to want more - funny is good.

* Have a girls night out with you and the sister-n-laws, take a family photo album and pull some conversation tricks out of your hat. Maybe after starting your family media project, take it along to see if they'd like you to help them on one of their own.

I'd be bound and determine to show them how well I fit in.

I could tell you some family horror stories, but won't --- except this one name my mother-n-law called me in front of other people... she called me a "blind heifer." It was so embarassing.

Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/30/08 07:55 AM

Our souls are fragile and it is fine to see later all the ways we can adjust the dynamics.When we are on the spot and try so hard to be sociable we are regressed back into a space (either hurt or childlike)of non coping.
As a child one particular branch of my clan.. tribe...family would comment on the abscence of my father.If I did well at school dance or art was looking pretty then one person would put me into line..with words.Then if I was naughty clumsy or any other childish trait she would magnify the "wrong"..I knew she did it from an early age.So I was quiet..good stayed in the background to avoid feeling hurt.This I have realised was WOUNDED HIBERNATION. As an adult I realise this suited her.Her own children (my cousins) would shine.What I needed was an advocate..but she was subtle.Each Christmas she would give me I kid not..navy school gym knickers) wheras my peers would get toys.Exchanging gift in the family group was so diminishing for me. She actually said in my hearing that her Mother my Gran needed help having taken on the burden of me.This stays with me..I have turned this into positive behaviour in my own actions with the many children I worked with.People leave scars and I know I operate on different levels due to this one woman.I am fully aware she in turn must have felt damaged.Her life must have taught her to be mean.
I can pick up people who have her traits easily.And there are many.I read it in their language in their actions and believe me I am never wrong.
Dont think I dwell on this..but I am aware it is part of me,
I have suggestions Eagle...will I PM and share?

Ignoring another is an additional way people like my Aunt can wound..in fact being ignored is one way of bullying as judged by a forum that supports people who experience bullying.
Mountain ash

Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/30/08 09:20 PM

Our souls are fragile and it is fine to see later all the ways we can adjust the dynamics.
My quote

"it is fine to see later" by this I meant "all too well" later to process ways in which we can let others see that what they do is not acceptable.

I dont feel I play any game.In training for TA Counselling we were taught that there are no winners in game playing.

I disagree that we cannot heal the cracks others inflict.We can use grown up thinking to try to understand from a here and now perspective.There will be reminders.But always a new day begins.
So you and I see things from differing standpoints.
Mountain ash

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/30/08 11:26 PM

MA, I can't play games either. I don't have the energy to pretend, I don't have the energy or will to maintain personnas (having a poor memory helps, because I can't keep track of which personnas I have to play with which people!)

Do you think that all cracks and damage can be mended? Are there some wounds that go too deep into the very foundation of our being - inflicted at such an early age that the tendrils of that damage were able to grow and spread until they eventually obliterated the original "work of art"? Can we ever truly and completely untangle the complex mess of tendrils to unearth the original essence of "us" (without inflicting further NEW damage in the untangling itself)...or is the answer to acknowledge that we can never go back to being who we were before the damage occurred, that who we are "here and now" IS who we are, cracks and all...and when we come to terms with THAT, do we find the power to rise above the damage and be the best that we can be with who we are here and now?

That was a rather tangled question, wasn't it! Like Gims, I'm searching...I think the answer is not to go back and try to recover the parts of us that were damaged beyond repair, but to repair ourselves to the point where we can decide that who we are now is enough and good and worth being.

Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/31/08 02:32 AM

I believe that wounds that affect us in core decisions are very difficult to heal as we ourselves replay them in our future dealings with others.
Self fufilling prophacy.
But when balanced say with a good teacher minister or other family we visit we dialogue internaly and may even go on to have well chosen values.
By core decisions I mean kindness..regard.. respect and love for others.
eg..my aunt giving me underwear wheras she gave my cousins trinkets was balanced by another aunt who gave me books (yet knitted items as well throughout the year.and made me feel special involving me in style and colour.)She must have realised what the other aunt was doing.Remember that at family gift sharing we children were opening gifts together.
In turn I treat children sensitivly and did so intuitivly remembering my own childhood.A balanced decision .
My issue is trivial compared to abuse and lack ...but I share it as an example.

As a foot note This first aunt spent a lot of her childhood with her own Granmother. due to the aging Granmother needing both company and a young abled bodied helper.running for shopping and almost a servant.She replayed her own issues perhaps unwittingly.
When I realised this (in maturity)i felt compassion for her.as see it as I do re.those children who are carers today.This was a Eureka moment fo me.
Imagine a pendulum which swings between the painful issues and contentment and perhaps between is a middle road which is where thrive.
My belief is that it takes a village to rear a child.Meaning all early experience is valid and important.So in my case there were many who shaped me and still do.
Mountain ash

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 05/31/08 11:49 AM

Mountain Ash, this brings to memory an experience from my years as a day care teacher. The school was in a very poor part of the city, the children (18 months to 4 years old) often came without breakfast...those were the days before the breakfast programs. My co-teacher and I used to have cereal and fruit waiting for them, paying out of our own pocket, because we knew how useless it would be to try to teach children whose tummies were grumbling.

Anyway, we had one little girl, afraid of everything, terrified of getting dirty, etc, etc, etc. One morning, we invited her mother to have breakfast with us. She ended up pouring her heart out to us...she had been physically/verbally abused by her own mother and grandmother, and she could see herself going in the same direction with her daughter - we noticed it often, but especially one day when she raged at the child for getting her socks dirty. She told us that she wanted be a good mother but didn't know how.

Well, we decided to help her by asking her to help us in the classroom. She wasn't working at the time, so we knew she had the time. She was delighted. Over time, as we nurtured her, she learned new ways to nurture her daughter. We showed her how to prepare healthy inexpensive meals, we got her finger-painting (and foot-painting as well!), playing at the water table with the children, cleaning out the sand table, playing tag at the park, and mopping up everyday spills - just to show her how ordinary and messy and "okay" it all was. After a few months, she felt "mended" and decided to move on...found a good job, a new apartment and started living a healthier lifestyle. Years later, I ran into her and the child on the street...both of them looked amazing, she was a whole new woman and the daughter was a laughing, healthy - and very caring - child. The bond between them was tangible and lovely.

So this experience reminds me that there IS a way to thrive beyond the damage...as you say, it takes a village to rear a child, perhaps it also takes a village to mend and nurture each other through the rest of the journey as well.

Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 06/02/08 10:29 AM

EH, your comment about it taking a village to mend and nurture each other while on our journeys struck a cord with me.

I recently joined a local book club because my midlife woman friend said she needed to take care of herself by engaging with other women. I think it's brilliant. We need one another at every stage of life!

Posted by: Danita

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/29/08 06:43 PM

Eagle,

Just wanted to send you a great big hug!

Having gone through what I have in the last 2 years losing my marriage of 21 years, losing my children in my life....

There's a part of me that can relate with your grief.

It blows my mind how grief can overtake me at the oddest moments. I'm at "mama mia" with my guy - I see a young male, and I begin to cry, grieving for my 17 year old son. (I cry right now even thinking about it).

I'm in my car driving - thanking GOd for my car, my jobs...and I begin to grieve because my children are not in my life.

I have not experienced true grief until this life changing event occured. It has made me more aware and more sensitive to others grieving! A new connection of sorts.

Eagle,

You are loved deeply and appreciated. You have brought so much to the BWS forums! We will always be here to listen to your stories!!!!!

Great, big, boomer hugs,

danita

p.s. have you shared your receipe for meatloaf on the forums? I would love to have it!!!!

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/29/08 10:01 PM

Danita, it still amazes me how the jagged edges of profound sorrow can poke through every attempt to move on. What really gets me is that expressing gratitude seems to be one of the biggest triggers of all, because as soon as I begin to thank God for the wondrously good things in my life, I'm hit once again by the reality that my loved ones aren't here to share in those wondrously good things in my life anymore. And then it all seems so empty - I would give EVERYTHING away just to have my family back.

BUT, we do have to move on. And gratitude is a positive path forward, even with its painful reminders...there are such tangible tensions/contradictions pulling us apart when we've suffered terrible losses in our life - nothing is ever as simple or secure as it was before the losses. So that when we feel joy, we also feel sorrow; when we feel gratitude, we also feel emptiness; when we feel any exhilaration of life, we also feel the agony of absence of loved ones to share that exhilaration with.

I would love to say it gets easier, but after your own experience, you know that it's not as simple as that. You cannot throw cliches into these kinds of wounds, the cliches just don't take us anywhere except into an even keener sense of loss (at least that's my experience) because we've lost everything, including the ability to neatly package the grief into a tidy box and pretend everything's normal.

I've been experiencing strange triggers just in the past few days, right out of the blue. I let myself cry, but am able to rise above it now and not let it take me too far down. And I'm even to feel moments of stand-alone-joy (ie, without the shadow of sorrow dulling the edges) now. That's a welcome relief. But there are still moments when I feel like a totally deflated helium balloon and wonder if/when I'll ever truly feel full again.

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/29/08 10:07 PM

PS, Danita, it's really good to hear your voice here again. As for the meatloaf, I don't measure anything, so it would be hard to put a user-friendly recipe together. But I'll work on it and see if I can at least put together some approximate quantities.

Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 03:12 AM

MEATLOAF RECIPE

3 to 4 lbs. of ground round, lean OR turkey
1 egg
1/2 cup Italian, or plain breadcrumbs
Small onion chopped.
3 cloves garlic, smashed
1 small green pepper, diced fine.
1/2 cup of catsup OR a half can of stewed tomatoes, drained well.
salt & pepper to taste.

Instructions...

In a large bowl, place meat, breadcrumbs and all other ingredients and mix well with your hands.

Form into a ball and press to shape into a loaf.

Place on a piece of well sprayed (PAM) aluminum foil. Seal, then place in pan and put into the oven for about two hours on 350*. Check after half an hour and if there is any grease, drain it The leaner the meat, the less grease will need to be drained...
When it looks done, tear top aluminum foil off and spread ketshup on top, and allow to cook for another 15 minutes.

Great with mashed potatoes, and green beans with cold peeled and sliced cucumber and diced onions, mixed with sour cream, Make the night before, the colder the better. Needs pepper too.

Posted by: gims

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 06:25 AM

chatty, have you ever put jalapenos in your meatloaf, not to the point of overkill, but a tad to taste... ummmm, ummm good.

I put bread and crackers in my meatloaf, and cook with ketchup on top.

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 12:43 PM

My Dad's "secret" recipe for his BBQ hamburgers is much cherished in our family. I've been working for years to try and put ingredients together to match his, because he never told anyone or wrote it down.

The big secret combo appears to be: paprika, chili powder, cumin, worchester sauce and BBQ sauce (I used a cracked-pepper flavoured BBQ sauce) added right into the meat mixture (I use the same BBQ as a glaze on top). He may have put cayenne pepper in as well, but I have a reaction to it, so don't add any. The paprika was the big surprise. We bought a big tin of it in Budapest Hungary last year and I've been throwing paprika into everything (baked beans, spaghetti sauce, beef stew and chili). We've really liked the flavour it adds. So earlier this year I threw it into the meatloaf...it made an amazing difference! Now we think that the paprika might be the missing ingredient.

Posted by: jabber

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 01:00 PM

The only time I've used paprika was to sprinkle it on the top of
deviled eggs and potatoe salad, that's interesting: A spicy
ingredient.

Posted by: jabber

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 01:01 PM

Woops! Potato: just call me a quail!

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 01:06 PM

It is spicy. We buy the sweet paprika (the hot one is too hot for us). After having enjoyed the stuff from Budapest, we can't go back to the stuff we used to buy. So I special-order the Hungarian sweet paprika from an online seasoning store. In fact, this year I'm ordering a few tins of it to give away as Christmas gifts to the people on my list who enjoy cooking.

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 02:10 PM

I wish I knew more about spices and how to use them. Growing up I was not an experimental cook...well, unless you count trying to cook french fries in water...(don't try this at home).

But this sounds interesting. My ex always made his own BBQ sauce. As I recall, he used butter, chili powder, ketchup, Worcestershire's sauce, and garlic poweder...I'm sure there were more ingredients. Bought the only thing he did right...LOL!

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 04:34 PM

Years (how about a lifetime!) ago, when I was working as a live-in nanny, the children's mother bought me a copy of a magazine which had a removable detailed chart of just about every food you can imagine and what spices/herbs to use with those foods. It's an amazing guide, which I still have in sheet protectors in my binder recipe book. That's how I initially learned what goes with what.

But once I became familiar with the basics, I enjoyed experimenting. My greatest tool is my own nose - I sniff whatever's cooking on the stove, then sniff the spice, and if my nose likes the two smells together, I toss the spice in. It works! I have often smelled the simmering food, then smelled a spice and been so turned off by the combo that I know not to throw that particular spice in. You have to have a sensitive nose, which I do and hubby doesn't, so the sniff-method works for me, but not for him.

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 06:20 PM

What an interesting chart. I would love to see a copy of it. Is that possible? If not, may a thousands mustard seeds invade your garlic powder...

Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 06:27 PM

I always sprinkle paprika on my deviled eggs. It adds color and taste as well.

Posted by: chickadee

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 07:18 PM

If not, may a thousands mustard seeds invade your garlic powder...

I almost choked on my coffee!

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 09:48 PM

I wish you had wished that a thousand mustard seeds would invade my FAITH...I've been praying for faith the size of a mustard seed...imagine faith the size of a thousand mustard seeds!

Hmmm, they say to be careful what you wish for...I wonder if wishing for faith the size of a thousand mustard seeds might be one of those wishes that saying is about...

Anyway, the chart is very old and fragile, but I'm going to try and make copies. It would take me weeks to type it onto an excel sheet, but wouldn't it be a labour of love (another "work of heart") to do that for my BWS sisters! Maybe if I start now, I could get it done in time to put inside of my Boomer Christmas cards this year!

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 10:02 PM

And then again, my friend, maybe my "jesting" was a way of showing you that the powers that be are listening? A sign...maybe?

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/30/08 10:16 PM

When you have the ears to hear, nothing is a coincidence anymore. One thing I do know with certainty is that God has a wonderful, delightful sense of humour and seems to take great delight in hearing His people laugh.

Posted by: Princess Lenora

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 12:00 AM

Hi. I don't know exactly what tangent we are on with this thread, so I'll just jump in an add mine. I thought faith is faith, and that it did not come in a size. So what I wonder is if we have faith of a mustard seed, is that not enough? Gosh, I hope it is else I have been remiss all these years. Is faith like pregnant, either you are or you are not? I thought that faith would ebb and flow like the ocean, but the ocean is always there. I wonder... PL

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 12:28 AM

PL, I don't know either. When JJ was talking about throwing mustard seeds into my garlic powder, that Bible verse came to mind, to paraphrase Matthew 17:20: "if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we can move mountains...nothing is impossible for us".

Well, that passage has always irked me, because no matter how much faith I have, I still can't move myself very far, much less a mountain! So then that makes me wonder if I truly have much faith at all. Which could be discouraging if I weren't thinking more positively these days.

I prefer your thought that faith ebbs and flows like the ocean but is always there. I think that's a better fit for me personally.

But it WAS rather thought-provoking to ponder about having faith the size of the thousand mustard seeds that JJ was threatening to throw into my garlic powder. The mustard seed was what made my mind leap from garlic powder to faith...weird how we do take these threads through some strange tangents!

Posted by: Danita

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 12:45 AM

Eagle,

Your explaination of grief was just beautiful. It is good to know that what I'm experiencing is "normal".

You are so right about how being thankful somehow brings up the loss.

I had a spell yesterday, and just felt like my heart was breaking.

My 19 year old daughter called from the ER, she had fainted at work - and they insisted she go to the hospital.

Both of my children are in less then desirable living situations.
As a mother who gave 19 years to full time mothering - it is excrutiating to not have them in my daily life AND to have them living in less then desireable situations.

Both of them live where they live by choice. It just hurts, and fear tugs at my heart from time to time for them.

It made me think about mothers whose children have run away from home - and they don't know where their kids are and if they are safe...

So, I know I'm in a better situation. There is ALWAYS someone who is in a worse situation!

Thank you Eagle for sharing your heart! It's good to be back in the forums!

hugs,

Danita

Posted by: Danita

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 12:50 AM

p.s. EH, the thing about the loss of loved ones to death - is how life just continues. There is a short blink in time - that their life and death is recognized...the funeral is over, and EVERYONE (but those closest) just go on with their lives. It isn't fair!!!!!

One of my dearest friends just surrendered to cancer after being terminal with it for five years. She didn't die from cancer - she lived with it. She displayed such unbelieable grace.

I can't believe she is gone. Just like that. And the world continues to move on........

I know what you mean when you say that you would give anything to have them back - there is such a deep sense of loss.

Posted by: Princess Lenora

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 01:44 AM

EH, I suspect that you have moved mountains, and you just don't see that yet. I believe you have moved yourself very far, you don't realize. Danita, I can feel your pain in regards to your children. I bet you were very scared when your daughter called from ER. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. L, L

Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 01:51 AM

Danita, I think I've decided that, in my experience, there are two kinds of "normal": there's a pre-loss normal and then there's a post-loss normal, and ne'er the twain shall meet! Once you've lost a loved one, there's no going back to that old normal. You just struggle through the terrible grief (while everyone around you has moved on into whatever their "normal" is) and somehow, despite all your instincts to just pull the covers over you head and never come back out, you emerge on the other side into a new normal. Life will never ever be the same, everything's been changed against our will, our pre-loss futures are stolen, horizons have moved - and yet, somehow, living with the holes - and the unfairness - becomes normal.

My hope comes from believing that they are still part of us, still watching over us, cheering us onward and upward - and will be waiting for us when it's our time.

Danita, I carry you in my heart...

Posted by: Danita

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 01:13 PM

Eagle,

Again, I can't believe how eloquantly you communicate these things. Are you writing a book on the subject??????

I thank God for the hope that carries me forward. The belief and hope that life will somehow be normal again - (and as you said - a "new normal").

The one thing I appreciate about experiencing deep loss - is that I can relate so much better with others who grieve. Our grieving doesn't even have to be the same subject or areas - I just "get it" now.

My friend Tina who finally died from cancer - when she was first diagnosed - I was NOT one of the people who gathered around her to support her. In fact, I avoided sick people and funerals like the plague.

During my divorce - when I began the grieving process - I began to connect with her in a precious way. We even talked about it.

This is one thing I don't regret about my experience. Is that it adds a new deapth to who I am.

Thank you EH for sharing yourself so freely, and for using your grief to help others make sense of theirs. This is a gift.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Danita

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 01:31 PM

Eagle, Danita...I was equally impressed with the responses given, and also by Danita's insight that grief doesn't come in one package. There are many people whose grief comes not from the death of a loved one, but from situations gone bad, a lost job maybe, a lost friendship or love, money worries, sicknesses that may or may not be terminal, children who misbehave, and many, many other things.

Thank you kindly for recognizing "us."

Posted by: jabber

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 08/31/08 03:46 PM

Love the voodoo stuff, jj! [May a thousand mustard seeds invade your garlic powder]. It made me laugh. Like EAGLE, I seldom use actual recipes. I toss in a little of this and a little of that. It usually works. But I only cook what hubby likes. If I wish to eat something he refuses to eat, I'll order it in a restaurant. Not up for cooking two meals at the same time. I like itty, bitty pepperoncini; yummie.

Posted by: jabber

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 09/01/08 01:16 PM

Get this: I bought a [pint] jar of bread 'n butter pickles at a local supermarket the other day. It cost over $6.00. Now don't that just flip your bippy!

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 09/01/08 01:34 PM

I bought a jar of pickled green tomatoes on the way back from Florida last week. They are divine! However, they cost me nearly 6 bucks. This was definitely a treat...not something I had to have. I'm with you, the prices nowadays shout, "get back to basics" and are having me rethink the home garden thing. For sure!

Posted by: jabber

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 09/01/08 07:41 PM

jj,
I've heard of green tomatoes but never had any. Someday, I'm
gonna try them!

Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 09/01/08 08:13 PM

Get the pickled ones...or fry them. They are so good it will make you want to slap your grandmaw...

We call them larapin! Yum!

Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Another Unexpected Grief Trigger - 09/04/08 07:28 PM

Funny to find this post. Just had my first fried green tomato last week. We went to the city to take our son out to dinner and ate at a sounthern BBQ type place. YUM! My son ordered the tomatoes as an appetizer. He went to college in the south and enjoys some of the southern foods. I liked them, but must admit, it was the fried batter that I liked. Not much taste to the tomato.

Another Unexpected Grief Trigger