visiting the cemetery

Today I am off the visit Mom at the cemetery. When I once asked my sister (who lives out of town) if I could put some flowers from her there...she said, "No, I belive Mom is here now. She has been busy with my family. I don't think of her as being at the cemetery right now!" What a great way to look at life after death!

While I know her spirit lives among us, the cemetery is my place to go, cut off the world, and visit Mom for Easter. I am taking my journal and will write her a letter. I can't wait!

Tell mommom i said i love her and miss her.

Today at 1:30 p.m. was the three year anniversary of my husbands' death from colon cancer. I always go out with my friends for the day so that I am not here by myself brooding. This year, I spent the early afternoon with my elderly uncle and aunt in the nursing home after being with the other elderly uncle in the morning. Then, I went out for a bite with my friends Wayne and Leslie for lunch, and had diner with my father and uncle. I am finally home with my dogs and am feeling a little blue. I think I do pretty well and I don't dwell on the bad things most of the time, but I really am melancholy this year. I miss Tim so much--there is no-one I have that special connection with anymore, the one where you can just look at each other and know what you are each thinking, or finishing each others' sentences, or just being quiet alone together; nobody to put my icy feet on at night, or hold hands with, or kiss goodbye. I never dreamed that I would be a widow at 51; it just isn't possible that I will be alone for the rest of my life. The feeling of loss is so strong--it permeates my entire life. I believe I am a pretty strong person, able to survive about anything that I put my mind to, yet this feeling of loss is so all-encompassing and so powerful.

I did make a decision recently that I feel very good about. Tim was cremated and his ashes are in a beautiful hand-carved wooden box that has a Chesapeake Bay retriever on it. I have it at our home, and I had planned to keep his ashes until I died and mix them together, along with the ashes of our dogs. I am positive that Tim would want to be out in the world that he loved so much, so I am asking his friends and family to each take a small amount of ashes and spread them where he loved to hunt and fish. He will be part of the air and the earth and the sea, from the farmlands of North Dakota to the rivers of Pennsylvania and Maryland to the oceans of the Northeastern United States. He will no longer be enclosed in a box, but will be mingled in the winds and waves forevermore.

Micki, that was so beautiful. It is so wonderful that you are able to think of him as being part of something so much larger than ourselves now. While you did not get to spend a lifetime with him, it sounds like you spent what time you did have together filled with love. I'm going to go give my husband a little kiss now.

Micki, I am glad you are able to share your feelings with us. Thank you! I am also glad the anniversary is behind you again and you had a full day with loved ones.

I think sharing his ashes with friends and spreading them all over his favorite spots in creation is a great idea. I also think you should save some for yourself...just something physical to know he is still with you.

May God continue to give you strength to carry on with fond memories and stay the strong person you say you THINK you are. Just because you are missing the heck out of him doesn't mean you aren't strong. It simply means you are a compassionate, loving, human being who misses someone you cherished beyond words...and it hurts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I recently started work at a funeral home/cemetary. I drive in every day and say "good morning" to everyone and wish them a good day It's stirred up something inside -- I'm not sure what yet -- but the other day -- while doing a contract -- I noticed one couple that had been laid to rest back in the early 1970's -- and I stopped and wondered if anyone remembered they were there. Did they have family that visited every once in awhile or did their children tell their children that they had grandparents or great grandparents at rest here. It made me think of my son -- and what will I "do" with him when his father and I pass on -- but, for now -- I still want him home with us

But, Micki -- I think your plan of allowing Tim to be "free" to ride the wind is a very unselfish and loving thing to do and I agree that you should keep a part of him for you -- as I'm sure he felt more love and freedom with YOU than anywhere else