holidays

I am praying for those who have lost loved ones this past year. I recall my first year without Mom. I found the anticipation of facing the holidays actually harder than getting through the days. Once they arrived, I took time to consider my loss of her in the midst of everything, but remembered she was still with me in spirit.

God bless!

I've posted before about how my whole family misses my Dad at the holidays. He was such a holiday guy. He loved the whole thing. Of course he did none of the work. He assigned that to Mom. He was in charge of entertainment.
Even the grandkids have all said Christmas will never be the same without him.
smile

This has been a hard time for me and in talking with my sisters, I've found they are experiencing the same feelings of depression and pain as I have for the last two weeks. All the beautiful words in the world will not take the pain away either.

Oh I know it will get easier, but for now, I grieve. I miss my Daddy and this is my first year without him. And then Christmas?

I don't know what's worse, grieving outwardly, or silently. A sad heart, is a sad heart, no matter how loud.

And that's just the way it is.

JJ

JJ,
I know how hard that first Christmas is. And Dots too. It gets better, but not much. There is nothing that helps except prayer. You both have mine.
Try to remember the great Christmases when you had them. Remember them, write them down, share them, and hold them in your heart. It's what has gotten us through.
Blessings.
sile

I totally agree its hard without your parents.
They are here in spirit I truly believe that and try to find the ways. Perhaps in the smile of a child. The laugh of their sister or brother and many other ways.
Will be praying for all of you!!
Maggie

How did you survive this Holiday without loved ones? Believe me I know how hard it is. Your right JJ there isn't hardly anything we can say.
Maggie

JJ - you say

"I don't know what's worse, grieving outwardly, or silently. A sad heart, is a sad heart, no matter how loud."

At first I grieved outwardly to keep me from going insane -- but then I found myself talking TO Robert -- instead of ABOUT him and my heart wasn't as sad.

My husband keeps everything inside and when he finally falls apart -- it seems to be so much harder on him --

So I don't know which is worse either -

Will things get better ??? Who knows ---

This was the 4th Thanksgiving without my child -- it ended the same way as the last 3 -- holding my husband while he cried himself to sleep -- and then trying to stop the tears myself -----

All I know is that it helps to know we can come here for support when things get unbearable.

Oh my goodness, it is terrible to lose a parent, but to the loss of a child must be horrible.
I only want to cry with you, but I will also pray. I will pray for peace for you and your husband.
smile

I've posted this same "thought" about losing loved ones but I guess it never hurts to repeat it....as I do to myself whenever I think of my parents - "time softens the edges of the pain of loss...it never totally goes away, but the rough, ragged edges become soft with time". I feel the loss of both of my parents particularly at Christmas. My Mom's birthday is Dec. 19th and my Dad's the 29th so those occasions surround the Christmas holiday.

Maybe if we all just hang onto each other here on the Board we can get through the rest of the holiday season. Celebrating the happy memories helps a lot that's for sure!

Lionspaaw, I have walked the path you are on. I lost my son too and know your pain. I have seen my husband deal with things in much the same way as yours. It is heartbreaking for us to grieve it is often worse to watch the ones we love grieve too. We grieve for our loss, both our child and the life we were supposed to have with them. Some days I swear I can look just to the right of me and see clearly the life I was supposed to have where my son was healthy and full of life. It is hard and to say it gets easier does little to dull the pain you feel especially during the holidays. I've somehow managed to learned to love all around the empty place in my heart that was my son's. I surround him with all the love only a mother has for her son and hope in some small way he still feels it. He may be gone but I will never stop being his mother or loving him.
I'm a little further down the path of this terrible journey after loosing a child and I can only say from my own experience it tooks me years before I found a sense of peace that his short life had meaning. I still learn from him everday. I remember to laugh like he did...until my sides hurt. I remember to take risks and be wild even if it makes me look like a fool. My husband can seldom say his name now even after many many years. That is how he gets through. I hug him when I know he's walking memory lane just to let him know I know what he's thinking. It's all we can do. My heart is with you.
Kira

The outpouring of pain here is incredible but also wonderful.
We have cyber sisters that will hold us up when the burdens become too great. We have hugs and prayers and lots of love.

First years and tenth years, all can be hard. Try to find a way to incorporate your loved one into the holiday, if appropriate. I tell my son a Christmas story about each of his granparents, he has lost (3) at bedtime each night. He remembers these stories and can retell them to family. I usually cry through the telling but that is ok.

At the Thanksgiving table, when all was quiet, my son looked over at my mother and said "it's ok Mom- Mom I know you miss Pop-Pop, we all do".

I thought she would swallow her dentures. She could only smile at him and we all began to talk at once.

Maybe sometime later she spoke with him about it, I don't know. At least he said what was in his heart.

You are all in my prayers this season as always.

Lynn

My own father passed away many years ago and even thought he had made a new life many years earlier with his new wife and children, he was still missed for the good times we shared....In reading the above posts my heart grows heavy to feel your sorrow at losing a child, one could never imagine that has not experienced it. I dread the day my mother (84) will pass on. The thought alone is almost unbearable. All I have to offer you are my prayers, I hope they help in some small way.

Shortly after my son died I was getting my hair cut and my hair dresser was telling us about how her marriage of 25+ yrs had just ended with a note from her husband that said he'd moved in with another woman -- she was devistated -- just as if a death had occured. She said something about my son having just passed and one woman started telling her that she had no right to "mourn" -- especially when here I was -- mourning the loss of a child ----- and at the same time my sister was in terrible shape due to having had to put her dog down (he was 14 yrs old) -- she kept saying how horrible I must think she was crying over a dog while I was going thru what I was going thru -- and I realized that a loss is a loss -- everyone's pain is equal when it comes to that. So I appreciate - with all my heart - your thoughts and prayers for me and my family for OUR loss -- and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you that are dealing with your own loss.

I am blessed to still have both of my parents - they're 82 & 84 -- and I know that it's just a matter of time before I will be where so many of you are -- the child missing her mom and/or dad. (Pam - my dad's BD is Dec 29th too)

I have found peace in knowing my son isn't suffering anymore -- I choose to believe that he has painted all those beautiful sunrise's and sunsets just for me (well maybe JJ's dad is painting some of them ) and I believe with all my heart that he is by my side all the time.

But, like you said Kira - when my husband goes silent and I see the tears in his eyes - I know that something has reminded him of Robert - and it breaks my heart to see him ache like that. I wish I could take his pain away, but all I can do is touch his hand or give him a hug and stay close until it passes. And then there is my other son's pain -- he keeps everything bottled up inside and I don't know how to help him. This is so much harder to deal with than my own pain -------- I feel I not only let Robert down -- but his father and brother too.

When I start to get upset I remind myself that the loss of a loved one is not unique just to me. No, we may not all experience the loss of a child but we all find ourselves in the position, sometime during our life, of wondering how we're going to survive this ---

and that's when I - once again - thank DOTSIE for this forum and YOU special ladies for making it all work

quote:

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Originally posted by lionspaaw:
But, like you said Kira - when my husband goes silent and I see the tears in his eyes - I know that something has reminded him of Robert - and it breaks my heart to see him ache like that. I wish I could take his pain away, but all I can do is touch his hand or give him a hug and stay close until it passes. And then there is my other son's pain -- he keeps everything bottled up inside and I don't know how to help him. This is so much harder to deal with than my own pain -------- I feel I not only let Robert down -- but his father and brother too.

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Lion, what a blessing you and your hubby have in each other. You are so loving and compassionate. I can hear it in your posts. I can relate to what you say about the pain of others. When our children hurt, we hurt more. That's unconditional love.

Do you talk about Robert when you are with your son, or do you avoid the topic? I don't mean to pry, but everyone handles these things differently.

Our past minister always expressed the importance of continuing to talk about the deceased in his eulogies.

I appreciate it so much when I'm with a firend and they talk about my mom. A friend shared something with me on the phone the other day about Mom. She told her kids a story about Mom and they laughed for 10 minutes. It brought so much joy to my heart that she would remember the story in the first place...and then think it was worthy of repeating to her kids.

I'll pray that people continue to remember him to you if that makes you happy.