Recovery from broken relationships...

Hello, all,
I am relatively new here, and have posted my story under the topic, "He's Just Not That Into You." I am now dealing with the stages of grief, and striving mightily to recover in quick time from a devastating hurt. I am age 54, divorced 8 years now, and certainly don't want to spend more of my precious time wallowing in hurt feelings from being rejected by a lover. I have many, many books on the subject, and have just ordered many more! Since the relationship is truly over, and I KNOW IT!, I am working to get past the pain in every way I can. But I find myself okay for a few hours, and then lapsing uncontrollably into wanting to cry. I am a middle school art teacher, and I can't be doing this! Also, at this point, I look forward to nothing, just wanting to come home from work and hide in my home. Also, I think it is too soon to try to meet someone new, feeling it is better to learn once again to be alone. I just spent three years in solitude, after yet another disastrous relationship.
For those of you who have been thru the recovery process, I would like to hear your stories of success!
ARI

Also, last night I had dreams of a male figure coming after me with sharp knives...and being held hostage! I recognize this as part of my "victim" mentality, and, yes, maybe I need to seek therapy. I just hate it!
ARI

Aria,
I don't think it's too early to begin seeing people again. There's nothing wrong with dinner or a movie with another person. They don't all have to be "potential" boyfriend/marriage material. Having dinner and "ex free conversation" with another man or woman for that matter is healthy and enjoyable. Sometimes getting out is good for the soul.

I don't know anthing about analysing your dream.
Keep us posted.

chick

[ April 23, 2005, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

Thanks, Chickadee,
It's all very tiresome and I just want to move beyond this. Anytime we extend ourselves lovingly to someone, there is the risk of hurt. I realize that time alone is a big factor in healling, but at the same time, I am doing all I can to think clearly, reading, praying, attending to my studies and self-care. The stages of grief are apparent to me, and I try to work thru them, acknowledging their presence, and then moving on. They come and go, sometimes overlapping, with no neat order. I guess it's all part of recovery.
Thanks!
ARI

Dear Ari, I am going to post a passage from my book because I think it pertains to what you are going through. Not that I have any expertise in dream analysis, but your dream sounds like a serious message to you. My question is: who was in control in the dream? What visualization can you do to take your power back? In this scene from the book I am telling my counselor (Karen) that I was thinking about a friend who had just died.***“I was obsessed with thoughts about him. Why did it take me such a long time to get over his death?”

“You were grieving. Mourning doesn’t come with a stopwatch; it takes time. Grief is a powerful emotion with many layers, like denial, anger, and acceptance. His death represented the other losses inherent in trauma. Focusing on his death allowed you to grieve the loss of your childhood, the loss of protection by parents, the loss of your sense of self.”

“I was grieving accumulated losses that I hadn’t acknowledged before.”

“That sounds about right,” Karen agreed.

Excited by insight, my arms flew up as if participating in a wave at a baseball game. “I just hit on something,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“I couldn’t control Christopher’s death, just like I couldn’t control Heather’s life. I couldn’t even control the loss of my own virginity. So I was also grieving the loss of control.”

“So much in your life was beyond your control. What do you think you could have controlled?”

“My friends,” I realized. “I befriended everyone who seemed to like me, or I did anything to get him or her to like me. It did not matter if I liked them, as long as they showed me some sign of the affection and acceptance I craved.”

“What does that remind you of?”

“My own family. I was used to a family out of control, a family that took control of my body. My so-called friends used me in ways that I was accustomed to, physically and emotionally. It’s like I automatically put myself in harm’s way.”***

Thank you, Lynn,
I have family history in which I too was not allowed to express any emotion, opinion, or grief. For me to express that in any manner, it must be an overwhelming feeling, which I did with the Ph.D., and then was promptly rejected.
I was not sexually abused, but from early childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was an absent figure, turning a blind eye to it. A female counselor once asked me, "How did you ever, EVER, manage to accomplish the degree of success you have done, and have you ever considered how much MORE you could accomplish if you weren't focusing your energies on these dysfunctional relationships with men?" It has been thru sheer will power and drive that I have managed the degree of success I have. I have good rapport with my students, and as an artist, I sell all the work I produce. If I had more hands and more time, I could be very successful in that area.
Chickadee has suggested getting out and dating, but I think time alone assessing my behavior and responses in this last dating experience is required. I was too accommodating to the man...something I do out of being the good girl "fixer."
ARI

Yes, Chatty, I took it back, along with a gift of a lamp! I just realized today that I had given him several gifts...a lamp, an piece of my art, antique coasters featuring sports cars (which he favors), an expensive art easel, and probably more I can't remember now. I have nothing in my home here from him. This is why I need to assess my behavior...too accommodating!
ARI

Arie, I didn't mean dating as in looking for someone. I meant going out with people/friends i.e. girlfriend for coffee or male friend for dinner. Sorry for my misleading post. I re-read it and got the same message too.

Hang in there

chick

Oh, I saw your intended message, Chickadee, and you even stated that I should get out with girlfriends! You're a sweetie.
Thanks,
ARI

Hi Ari, thanks for sharing about your childhood. You must have done a lot of "inner' work with a therapist. You gave so much of youself to that stupid Ph.D and got so little (nothing) in return. When you give your art away, you are giving a piece of yourself away. He is a manipulating fool to not see how much good you have to give. You probably had to be accomodating to your mother to keep her from being abusive, and it sounds like your father gave you nothing in return, just like what's-his-face. I'm sorry you are grieving so in the wake of this lost love affair. I have a feeling that you will come out of this stronger. Where can we see your art? Love and Light, Lynn

Hi, Lynn, Thanks.
Yes, my childhood was much as you described.
This evening, I am feeling better, and I've practiced one exercise I knew of but re-read in an article on recovering from a bad relationship: to imagine one of your close female friends or family member,i.e., daughter, sister, in the same situation as I have been. This is a good exercise, because as you see it happening to a loved one, the injustice and inequity are glaringly apparent! So that has helped me today!
My art: I sell in on Ebay under the seller name, "Artrox," as well as in one gallery in Atlanta. I will try to post some pics of it here.
Thanks again to all of you!
ARI

Hi Aria, I forgot to tell you that when I first asked you how I could view your art I went on an ebay search under Artrox and it said 0 matches found. Is there a name of a painting or another way to search to see? Also, are you under self-representing artists?

The exercise you mentioned sounds like it gives you an objective view. Glad that it helped you todayLLL

Hi, Lynn, and thanks for looking me up on Ebay. I have just two pieces on there right now. I tried to post pics of my art here, but can't seem to get the attachment tool to work. I'll keep working on it.
In the meantime, I'm going to send you a little photo album from my Yahoo connection.
ARI

Ariadne -

I saw so much of myself in your posts --

There are reasons for our behavior -- usually going back to childhood -- I'm a "recovering" multiple personality -- and was in my late 40's before I finally stood up for myself one day and said NO !!

I wasted years and years of my life on guilt and pain and bad relationships -- and it really wasn't until my son died that I realized that the only one that could take control of my emotions and my life was ME.

a part of a poem I wrote after he died says

" so i got out of bed
and i washed my face
and i looked at the face in the mirror
so forlorn
so shallow
and i asked
is this the face your child loved ?
and i knew i had to go on"

There will come a time in your life that you will realize that you have to go on. ON YOUR TERMS !!

There will come a time that you will look in YOUR mirror and realize that you don't need anyone else to say I like you and I approve of you -- you only need to like yourself and be proud of who you are -- what you have or could become -- ALL BY YOURSELF and DESPITE the people in your past.

THE PAST -- Ariadne -- that is the hardest expression in our vocabulary to deal with. Those two little words can bring us to our knees every single time !!!

So maybe instead of analyzing yourself -- take a few minutes to analyze that expression -- look it up in the dictionary -- serious -- look it up and see what it says -- then ask yourself if you'd rather keep your energy focused on keeping that alive or would you rather walk away and focus your energy and BEING on TODAY !!

I slip back soooooo easily into the past -- a song, a memory, but the moment I do I say STOP IT - NOW -- i look ahead -- and concentrate on what i want to do tomorrow and start working towards it today.

Self help books are great -- burying yourself in your work etc -- helpful -- but the bottom line is that YOU are the only one that can say ENOUGH !! ENOUGH of the bad memories ENOUGH of the SELF abuse - because by now you're an adult and not being abused by a parent or whomever as you were a child -- YOU are the one allowing the abuse -- and YOU can stop it this instant !!!!

They're called BOUNDARIES -- set them Ariadne -- set them and refuse to allow ANYONE to step over them !!! INCLUDING YOURSELF

Ariadne -- it truly is YOUR CHOICE to remain in the drowning pit of sorrow -- climb on out -- walk away -- and don't ever look back again -- why should you look back -- there isnt ANYONE in your PAST that should be considered more than a FLEA on the back of an ELEPHANT or else they'd be in your present and future !!!!

If you need some meds to help you make that first step -- get them -- sometimes you need a helping hand -- but it comes down to YOU taking that first step forward

We're all here for you -- think about it -- arent the ladies in this forum MUCH more valuable to you and your self worth than the jerks in your past? If so, stop wasting energy on them and come in here and LAUGH and FEEL ALIVE !!!!

Lionspaaw,
That was an awesome post...I hope you don't mind, I copied it over to my computer, changed a few words around, printed it off and hung it on my "affirmation" wall.

Ari, Broken relationships do hurt...like Lynn said, at a certain time in one's life, one loss can suddenly snowball into an overwhelming accumulation of past losses; we not only grieve the people we've lost, but also the passions and dreams that we lost when life and choices detoured us down other roads we thought were the right ones at the time; we grieve the pieces of ourselves we unwittingly gave away to people who didn't deserve them; we grieve the need to let go of cherished hopes we've clung to since childhood; we grieve the myriad of circumstances that now force us to move forward into a different direction that better suits who and where we are today.

It's true, we have to move on. Deep down, we do know it's really the only choice. But it's just not always an easy thing to drag those weary feet and sad hearts out of the quicksand of disappointment and disillusionment. That's why good friends, loving family and safe places like BWS are so vital...they become our ladder out of the pit of despair.

Thanks, Lion, Smilin and Eagle...
Smile...I think I needed that "kick" from you!!!
And, Lion and Eagle, your writings are both very insightful! I am not sitting here having a pity party, by the way. As for Smile's statement of "it's really not our business," well, I thought that was what support forums were for????
Despite that, I have received much support and help here, and have improved tremendously in ways I would not have if I hadn't reached out here....Now, about that, "not our business,"...if the purpose of this forum is to remain on comfortable topics like door wreaths and recipes, I'm sorry I imposed here, but I found the topic, "He's Just Not That Into You" here by doing a web search. If you are uncomfortable with people responding to such a topic, then you should remove it!!!
I too enjoy some of the other topics here, and I'm especially intrigued right now by the discussion of the Sun Conure, being a bird lover myself, but I won't post under any more personal matters.
ARI

Hi, Chatty...
I am truly sorry to hear about this lady's situation...very scary. Hmm...getting tested, I don't think there's a need for that right now. Frivolous whines...Is that what I did? Sorry.
ARI

I don't think it was frivolous. It hurt you. That made it not frivolous. I know what it feels like to be hurt and it makes you not even want to try to meet some one else for your own protection. And yes, that is what the forums are for...talking it out. Some people are lucky enough to have "Real Live Friends". People that they can actually see and have over to talk. Others, myself included, have these cyber sisters here. So you post away, Ari. Even a "Real" girlfriend might get sick of hearing about Mr. Dork, but so what? You'll get over him sooner or later. Probably sooner from talking with us and that's a good thing. I will give you my two favorite quotes from waaaaay back: 'The more I know men, the better I like my dog.' and 'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' Happy Healing!

Chatty --

I'm sorry for your loss -- it never really goes away -- be it 44 yrs or 44 days -- a soul mate is for eternity

Eagle Heart -- THANK YOU for one of the nicest compliments someone could give another !!

Ari -- I dont think Smile meant "not our business" the way you took it -- I think she meant more that we shouldnt sit in judgement of a situation we werent a part of (man bashing in other words) -- just be supportive of you.

Everyone hurts in their own way -- one person may be devistated by a situation yet another may look at it and shrug their shoulders and say whats the big deal

The point is that the forum is for personal things and you should feel comfortable posting anything you want to here -- you have a right to your opinion, your pain, your post -- but you also have to realize that we will not only hug you and support you -- but KICK YOUR BUTT sometimes ;-) -- and as you said to Smile -- you needed that and thanks !!

You can't put this many women from so many different backgrounds and lifestyles together in one place without some misunderstandings -- some lack of patience -- and some MAJOR HORMONES ;-)but that's okay ! That's how we get all the different points of view on a subject -- some of which you will agree with and some you will want to spit nails at -- pick and choose what you want to write, read and respond too and don't worry about the rest ;-)

Besides - this is good practice for you to get a little tougher skin and pass on some of your own wisdom -- so don't stop posting

I'm sure everyone here would agree with that !

A tougher skin...Yeah!!!
ARI...I love y'all!

Ari, thank you so much for emailing me your art. I get it now: Artrox! I want one. How do I find you on Ebay? I tried to email you but my email out isn't coming out today. Chatty and Lion, I am so sorry you experienced those heartbreaking losses. I admire and respect your position of moving forward even though sometimes it feels like we are hiking uphill with cement boots stuck in quicksand! Eagle, thank you for always understanding the meaning in my messages, and putting your wise words to work for us! Love and Light to all of you, Lynn

Smile...You are responding from a bitter viewpoint...I am new here, and have explored the other posts, but I have not found evidence of what you speak...You are WRONG, wrong, wrong about me. You characterized my dilemma from the start as something to do with a broken marriage!!!! Where do you get off making such a judgment!!! Sorry you are in pain and having trouble walking, but don't make assumptions about other people's circumstances!!!! Even after I explained to you that I was in a 20+ year unhappy marriage that I was happy to get away from, and divorced now for 8 years, you still stuck to the divorce syndrome. You're way off base!!!
ARI

As I read your post about your mom and dad, I think I saw the relationship with your father and how he just wasn't there for you. I think you might have tried to transfer feelings to this man who seemed a lot like your dad. Just not there, just not that into you. I did it with my dad. I kept dating men just like him and even married one just like him! I think this might be why this fling hurt you so much. It was just like your dad doing it over again to you. And, I know from experience how much it hurts. Maybe if you analyzed that, it might help you. We all have to ask where we're getting our nourishment from in a relationship and if we aren't getting any, it's time to run!

Ariadne has replied to other posts.

I'm jumping in late here (as usual) but after reading all the post, I'm going to go with Dianne's assessment that you've transferred your emotional needs to this person you've only known a couple of months. I think it takes years and years and years to build a "relationship" because one needs to learn about each other daily, grown together, create history, memories, and most importantly of all, nuture each other. It sounds as if your needs are greater than even you may understand. I'm saying this as kindly as I can Ari...and I mean no harm, at all. I'm wondering if possibly therapy of some sort could help? I've been single almost 13+ years and while that's a long time, it certainly doesn't make me an expert of ANYTHING...however, I can tell you the sliver-lining for me has been getting to enjoy my own company. Loving myself had to come first. I wouldn't trade my status for anything; well, unless of course Sam Elliott were to come tripping thru my living room and want me...then I'd be history...

It doesn't sound like you have other interest but I could be way off base here.

Just another viewpoint.

I also think the other women were just trying to help you put things into perspective as well. I don't think they meant to cause you pain. Sometimes it takes someone outside our own comfort zone to help us realize that what we view as a HUGE problem, is really...a mustard seed.

JJ

All of your feedback has been helpful to me! Even the ones who are kicking my butt! Jawjaw...I do have a full life... a wonderful job, a 4.0 grad student, lovely twin toddler grandsons, and wonderful close friends. I posted this topic.."Recovering from a broken relationship," because I thought others might have experiences to share which would help me also in moving beyond. And, Chatty, I do nice things for people every day, and see the value in precious life. I also see the futility in dwelling on a relationship that didn't work, and, for first day in over a month, today, I feel uplifted and NOT depressed by it for a change. So, the feedback here has helped me. Still, Chatty and Smile, I wonder why you have felt it worthwhile to post devaluing comments to my topic! If you have nothing better to say, why read it or post at all?
ARI

TWIN GRANDSONS? Now THAT is a blessing! For you for sure! I don't know about the boys Mother though! LOL! I raised two boys and I know from whence I speak! hahahah....

Well, Ari, I'm so glad to hear your life is full, and it certainly sounds like it is. A 4.0 grad student is certainly something to be proud of...I thought for a long time while mine were growing up, that I would have to get a bumper sticker that said, "My son's on the Honor Roll at San Quniton." Holy Moly! But they both turned out alright...and are pretty nice people.

I'm glad to hear you are not depressed, and it sounds as though you are moving on. Good for you girl...life is short...eat dessert first!

I need to add that I truly do not feel that the women here devalue your post hon. I know these women. They are kind, caring, intelligent, and would only want to help you and be a friend. Honestly.

I think we ALL (self included) have to realize that if we put ourselves out here for discussion, we need to be ready to accept what comes our way, whether we think its of value, or not. Take what you need from the discussion, and what you don't want/need/like, discard.

We all need to remember, we're sistahs...Friends heal friends...k?

JJ

Twin grandsons? How cool is that? Nothing like those grandbabies to light up our lives! Of course, mine are perfect. Unlike their parents They can do no wrong.

Chatty said to post something good so here goes...I just got off the phone with a friend named Liz. She said when she went to work for IBM back in 1965 that she worked with people named:

Robin Hood
Ben Hurr
Chuck Roast
Fanny Wiper (who later married a Draper)
Rusty Gates
and a set of twins named Odd and Even Bloch

I am not lying...The only one I could offer is a girl I know named Bumpsy who married a guy who's last name is Rump.

JJ

LOL, Jawjaw...Bumpsy and Rump!!!'
Thanks for the lift!!!
Yeah, the little twins, Jack and Mickey, not quite 3 yet, are quite a handful! Maybe I'll go visit them (3.5 hours away) this weekend. They really keep me grounded!
ARI

Chatty...Your name should be "catty lady"...I saw the insulting email you sent and then deleted in which you recounted your many posts as well as that of Smile....and then calling me "easy." You have issues! Go on with your happy posts, excluding people like me who call attention to your shallowness!!!
ARI

I was quickly checking the boards before settling in this evening and I'm a little concerned by the tone of this dialogue.

Without being too Pollyanna-ish I want to remind everyone what we are here for. These forums exist to connect, encourage, and support one another. There may be times we need to agree to disagree and just leave it at that. This may be one of those times.

What ever are you talking about Ari? Oh and here In Nevada I am known as Cat Lady but thats because I have fostered and found homes for 37 feral cats. Catty suits me just fine. You know there are two saying that come to mind here: If you can't stand the heat stay out of the fire.(and) Sticks and stones, you know the rest. I can't help it if you feel "easy" but don't blame that on me, sometimes the truth hurts and you opened this discussion.... I have been posting honestly on this site for a long time and until NOW no one has complained...think about it.