Birthday of loved one who has died?

Yesterday was Mom's birthday. I intended to get to the cemetery but it got too late. I visited Dad instead and will go to the cemetery this weekend. I also had lunch with a dear friend. Our mothers were best friends, but both are dancing the streets of heaven. They met through us when we were in first grade. We have another lunch date on her mother's birthday.

What do you do on the birthday of loved ones who have died? Anything?

Dotsie, My Mom's birthday is/was November 1st...she died October 28th, and this year will be the 5th anniversary. Both dates are etched in my heart. But we don't do anything special to mark Oct 28th.

On or close to Nov 1st, hubby and I usually get together with my brother (who lives here in Ottawa too) and go out for a nice meal at one of Mom's favourite restaurants. We toast Mom with a piece of shrimp (which was one of her favourite foods) or cheesecake or some silly reminder of her. It's usually a fun celebration of our memories of her and helps us to get through the day with grace and joy.

Strange enough, I can't recall that we've ever done anything special to commemorate Dad's birthday, Feb 4th, except maybe a family dinner at our house. My brother and I usually call each other that night to chat about stuff.

Eagle, thanks for sharing. I enjoy reading about you and your brother.

Mom died on St. Patrick's Day so each year since her death we try to get all the local family members to gather for corned beef and cabbage.

My maiden name is McNamara. Mom died right after all of us finished our corned beef dinner in 2001. AND my mother's mom died on Valentine's Day. Pretty cool, huh?

These are two lucky moms to be so lovingly remembered by their children. I hope I'm as fortunate to be thought of with so much love after I've gone. At each holiday meal one of our comments during the short prayer is to remember those who "can't be with us today."

EagleHeart - I too celebrate Roberts BIRTHDAY not his deathday - honoring someones LIFE is so much more fun than pondering on their death - dont you think

Dotsie - I'm sure your dad really appreciated your visit. I hope you dont think you're dishonoring your mom somehow if you start to "drift" away from the schedule visits to the cemetery. Visiting her gravesite is a cleansing for YOU -- HER spirit is ALWAYS with you

HUGS DEAR LADIES

Oh Lionspaaw, I woke up this morning so stiff and sore from yesterday's hard work, and somewhat disgruntled because I'd rather be home than here looking forward to another day even worse than yesterday. But hearing your voice here this morning brings such immeasurable joy that the day suddenly got a whole lot better!

Lion, thanks for your words. I do feel guilty because I still haven't gotten to the cemetery and her birthday was the 5th. I know it's stupid of me because I carry her with me everywhere. I just love honoring her by placing flowers on her grave. I need to get there.

Eagle, you and your hubby are foreve doing kind things for others. Aren't you helping your neighbor too?

Dotsie,
Your mother's birthday is the same as my mother's. Did you know Oct 5 is also the birthday of the famous soprano, Jennie Lind? My mom is named for her.
I rarely miss spending Mom's birthday with her. My sister and I usually make a big deal of it with all the grandkids and neighbors. This year, my daughters couldn't get there so they sent flowers and we celebrated at a restaurant.
My Mom has always hungered for beautiful things. Even when I was small and we had little money, Mom always craved beauty. She was very creative at decorating and sewed the most wonderful clothes. My Dad always loved having us all dressed up and would take all 'his girls' into town to show us off when Mom had made us new things.
Losing my Dad has aged my Mom a lot, but she is still very active. She is involved with the teens at her church. They ask her to go with them on all kinds of trips and fun things. She paints and teaches porcelain art. Her house and mine are full of her work.

You must miss your mother terribly. I hope you can find the time to take those flowers. If she's like my Mom, she would love being surrounded by their beauty--and yours.
smile

My Dad's birthday is October 31st. he has been gone for 2 years now.

My Mom will come stay with us that wek-end and participate in trick or treat. We plan to have a fire pit going while we give out candy and through these little things in the fire to change the color from time to time. I think i will dress my MOm as a witch and let her give out the candy! She was so happy when I suggested this she volunteerred to take her teeth out! That will never happen she is too pround to take her teeth out in public. But it will make the day go smoother for her.

I just carry the perosn around in my heart all day and honor them every chance I get.

Lynn

smile and lynn, your posts bring tears to my eyes. I can feel your love of family coming through the screen.

smile, Mom's sister also shares the same birthday. Mom was once her big sister's birthday gift. Your mom will forever stay young at heart if she works with teens. That's soemthing Ross and I hope to do when our kids are out of the house.

Lynn, about the teeth thing, I recall our parent's generation getting false teeth at our age. I gues it's the invention of fluoride that's changed things for our generation. PHEW! I'll be thinking of you on Halloween. I love the sounds of your new neighborhood.

ahhhhh Eagle Heart - you sure know how to make a person feel special

Dotsie - I think your mom will forgive you this time -- she knows how busy you've been !!

but saying that - I hope you find a few minutes for YOU to go visit your mom. I'm sure it will give you a lift

How's Ross doing ?

OK Ladies,

My turn to whine. I am feeling awful. I miss my Nichole. "Miss" is just such a stupid word, when it means, I'll see you in a few months, or a year, or something. I will never stroke her beautiful hair, kiss her pretty lips, give her a backrub , (or she me), make sure that she has pretty clothes and makeup. I will never be able again to champion her cause for her alone. I loved her more than life itself - except of course for my son - I want her back. Troubles and all.......I just want her. I know I'm being selfish - Nichole is happier where she is, her life on earth was so filled with pain - emotional and physical- it makes me angry that I could not ever fix this problem......I'm a "fixer" by heart, you know....But as close as we got, we were not able to "fix" our girl. Keep us in your prayers, we need it....

Searcher

Ahhh Searcher,

Don't we all wish we had a magic wand to wave over your heart to make you feel better. (or to bring her back, for that matter!0

I can't EVEN begin to fathom the deapth of your sadness. Your daughter was so lucky to have you - you obviously love deeply.

I'm praying for you sister.

danita

Danita,

In itself, your reply gives me strength. One sister to the next. I am asking for this strength through all of you . I believe that together we can make a difference in this world, for people like Nichole, for people like ourselves, for people who are disinfranchised (Oh for heaven's sake when will I ever find my dictionary?)by the world they inhabit...Stay by me, I need you.......

I'm here too, Searcher. No magic wand, no rewind button, but lots of aching empathy for your anguish, virtual hugs for your sadness, and hope...because together, leaning on each other, having each other's shoulders to cry on, we do find hope. You're not alone.

And I'm here, too, Searcher - and Dotsie - and all of you who have experienced losses. I just have to believe that the ones we've lost are still here with us in their own way - after all, this life on earth can't be all there is...and aren't we the lucky ones to have had those people to love and to love us? Maybe it's better for us to be here, feeling the pain of loss, than for them to be here without us feeling the same pain. They have been spared that part of it.

and no , I was the lucky one to have had her. Nichole was the blessing, not I. And She told us so - "I am a blessing to this famiy whether anyone knows it or not! Ver Batum from Nichole. She was really a person who knew her stuff!!!!! I adored her.....

How sweet is that! That's a child who was secure and loved!

great, big, fluffy hugs,
danita

Searcher, did you tell us about Nichole in another forum? I've been looking, but can't find where you signed on...you sound like such a special, compassionate and loving woman, I want to know more about you.

What! No rewind button?

Damn! I was really hoping for that one! But I am so looking forward to having a relationship with you women. It's hard to let Nichole go to wherever she needs to be (but Nik knows EXACTLY where she should be and I trust her judgement.) So, talk to me often , support me, and we will be friends......

((((((hugs)))))

From your friend....

Brenda

Eagle,

Where do you suppose that we could find a magic wand, a rewind button ? I WANT one!!!!!But if I can't have one , which it appears I cannot, then I am grateful for you - and Danita. Nichole would love it that we have found each other, she is watching and maybe making things happen? I would so enjoy that she has power and can now orchestrate (where o where is my dictionary?) the intracacies of our lives,,,,,,Thank you for being here for me......

Search

Dreamer,

I'm supposing I did. Talk about Nichole in another forum. But you know, I'm a little "off" these days.....Nichole died on April 20 after a very long illness (brain tumor). She was the most precious young woman! She lived a difficult life, but was always so ready to try again. I refuse to say that Nichole was perfect, nor was I - by a long shot- we both were head-strong, (how'd THAT happen?) but deeply in love with each other, as mother and daughter. We loved daily and fought daily. I miss her more than our words can say....But I believe that one day, we will be together again, with our mothers and fathers and all who loved us, rejoycing (where's that dictionary??????) in the time we spent together.......

Searcher

What strength and honesty you have, Searcher. And Nichole obviously took after you, to be spunky and so attuned to life and the importance of living for the moment, even while she was suffering in unimaginable ways. It's so rare to find mother/daughter relationships like yours. There was no time for much 'fluff' in your relationship - the two of you got to know each other and appreciate each other deeply. As you know, nothing tangible lasts forever, but the connection the two of you have (yes, have, not had) is forever and you have so many positives to remember - not a collection of regrets. A sad but very beautiful story.

I have no doubts that wonderful things await you and your future will be filled with unexpected joy and contentment. And Nichole will be smiling down on you all the while.

Dreamer,

I so appreciate your words. And your understanding. Exactly. There was not much time for "fluff' and this IS a regret of mine. But I don't think so much for Nichole - she was not into much fluff, well, sometimes , but mostly it was about "making life better" for herself. We could all take lessons from Nichole about making our lives better, if we all tried as hard as she did, and forgave as much as she did, we would all be in a higher state of existence.

It has been 6 months today since I last touched her face. And a week before that since I looked into her deep blue eyes - she had the most beautiful eyes, and lashes so thick and black that people swore she wore mascara - but never did. I always said she had a "rosebud" mouth - since she was an infant - just the prettiest set of lips you ever saw, and just the right amount of color without lipstick. Tho' she wore a gloss most days when she went out. She was really a pretty, pretty girl both inside and out. I kept a ridiculous amount of her hair. She had what I called "Jessica Rabbit" hair. Thick and dark blonde with waves of curl - up on one side - we never owned a hair dryer - we all are curly - so it was best to just let it dry naturally. On her birthday (Feb. 25) we took her to Jackpot to play the slots. We had never done this before, but Nichole was always lucky and wanted to go - so we all got in the van, dog and all, and drove down. O my gosh, did she ever have the best time - Now, Nichole goes to bed around 7, watches some TV, writes in her journal, and reads, usually asleep by 9 or so. That night, we could not GET her out of there! I was sooooo tired, but no, she was winning- the nickles were pouring out ! At last at about 3 in the morning, I said, "Nichole, I'm starving - we HAVE to go to breakfast! That got her attention and we all ordered steak and eggs - But just then, an obviously elder cowboy entered the room. (you can always tell a REAL cowboy by the way he walks - poor things always have a stiff back and a certain gait)And I mentioned to Nik that there was a real cowboy - she was very interested and kept trying to look at him without being obvious. Pretty soon, his daughter came to our table and said, "I just wanted to say that you have the most BEAUTIFUL hair! Nichole said, thanx, but is that a real cowboy? The daughter said, "absolutely and , Dad, will you come over here?" So wife, Dad and daughter all came to our table and we had the best conversation ever!!! Then we had to drag Nichole to the hotel where we slept for a few hours, only to have her drag us back in the morning for a few more hours of nickels.....

searcher, I am deeply touched reading your post. I feel like I am reading a chapter from a book - well I suppose I am in a way. On this anniversary, I want to shower you with prayers for peace and tranquility. How blessed you are to have Nichole's precious memories to share. Please...tell us more.
chick

Thank you,Chickadee,

It's so nice to have the support of so many wonderful women.

Searcher

Hi Searcher,
I think Nichole was a very lucky girl to have you for a Mom! It's so obvious that you put her first and spent every possible moment with her. Not many of us can do that, no matter how much we may want to. It breaks my heart to think of how sick she must have been, but what a strong will she had. Through you, she has taught me - and probably many of us - some pretty big lessons on life and living. I hope you realize her life had a huge and definite purpose - and I hope she realized that in some way, too.

Now it's time for you - what kinds of things do you like to do? Moving forward from today, what are your wishes and hopes and goals? Do you work?
What are your hobbies and interests?

You are amazing!

Dreamer,

Thank you for your post. Nichole was W I L L personified!!!! People knew when she was around! She was very well liked tho' - her doctors seemed to take such a special interest in her like many. In her last years, she went out with an attendant for a few hours in the afternoons - she had several attendants, therapists, a whole host of people around her and all had a close relationship. Instead of a formal funeral, we had a "garden party" for Nichole (she loved her flowers) where everyone brought a perennial to plant. So that became a place to sit and just reflect on Nichole. Her favorite color was yellow and mine purple. So the rose arbor is yellow and all the rest yellow and purple - it's quite strikingly beautiful! And yes, I am able to see that she really had an impact on people around her - one of her doctors called me at 8:00 on a Sunday night just to tell me so (I thought THAT was a little remarkable!) and one of the young women who worked with her called to explain how Nichole had changed her entire outlook on those around her. And many others as well - she did leave a legacy.

I am going to begin doing temp work on Monday - just for a paycheck. But in the future, I believe I would like to try my hand at writing. YEAH it's my time! My son is 25 and has missed out on some Mom time - at least time spent with just him alone, so I'm really looking forward to that and of course I hope there will be grandchildren in my future.... Also we live in Idaho so we're anxious to do some exploring...if I can catch him by the tail that is....

Our dream was to have an alpaca ranch and hire disabled to work on the ranch - that may still be in our future, both to honor Nichole and to provide a more meaningful life for others...But that's a ways down the road.

So for right now, I'm just going to follow my nose and see what happens....

Searcher

I'm also sending you strength and peace during this difficult time. What a beautiful daughter she was, inside and out. It sounds like people found a better side of themselves after meeting her.

Dianne,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It does really help.

Well, I lit a fire tonight in my fireplace. Wood. I can't really explain why but I have always been drawn to that smell. It's soooo - you know, WOODSY. Warm, beautiful, ancient, secure. And I have this really odd interplay with it - I MUST get it started, fan the flames, control it as best I can within it's boundaries - I WANT it to do as I bid - I want the flames to fly, be beautiful, send it's warmth, and NOT die. I will stay awake to make sure it doesn't die. (Until I get so tired that I fall asleep regardless)

It's been that way for a long time. It started when my children were little and we went camping. I was the only one to make that fire; and I intended to do it. We would have the fire. And we did. We loved it, it loved us. Warm, beautiful, ancient,secure. Invaluable. Invaluable.

So, tonight I made the fire - and tho' Nichole is now gone, and my Samuel is off making Halloween costumes with his girlfriend, I still tend the fire; it must still burn - forever....

Searcher

Searcher, the garden sounds lovely. What a great idea. I bet you just love being surrounded by it. Lionspaaw has also buried a child. She has a butterfly bush ( at least that's what I picture, it may be a tree) planted in her son's memory. She just reported to me that it made it through hurrican Wilma. I would have been devastated had it been uprooted.

When Mom died, a few friends gave us flowers and bushes for the garden. I liked the idea so much that I will share the tradition with family and friends when they experience a death.

Feel free to tell us more about Nicole if your heart desires.

Also, I could just picture you in front of your fire. Sounds so cozy. Do you have an outside fire pit? We just got one this fall and the other night my daughter and her boyfriend built a fire, carved pumpkins, and made s'mores. Great fun.

When they were all finished with the pumpkins she called us out and grinned ear to ear while holding a pumpkin carved as a cat. She then announced that it was in memory of Nana! Nana just died in August and she was a cat freak. We were so touched.

Dotsie and all you great women!

What a great support you all are for someone like me! I have so appreciated your comments and your heart felt thoughts. Death is hard for us living. And we all need to have words of kindness and encouragement = thank you all again and again. So many of you have spoken to me with words that filled my heart - I am truly grateful -

I love telling stories about Nichole - she was someone about whom stories can be told = there was always SOMETHING day to day that had an exclamation point in it !!!! As I think about it , Nichole WAS an exclamation point! From the time of her conception to the time of her death.

She was someone to be reckoned with - she would tell you your faults, your strengths, and everything in between, never judging you, but telling you that you NEEDED to correct this problem and see reality for what it was. Just amazing.

Her birth started with an unusual beginning.. I was working as a receptionist at college to pay for tuition...one day, I felt the need to go to the bathroom and out came some grey matter . I was shocked to say the least and made an appointment with the doctor. Doctor explained that I was pregnant and so all was forgotten in the joy that ensued. About a month later, I had to leave work for an odd pain -- I went home, laid on the sofa an slept. Only to awaken to a ripping pain in my abdomen, went to the toilet and in the toilet were huge clots and much blood. So I called my doctor who was out of town of course. The "on call" said , well, you've probably lost the child, wait three days and call your personal physician. So I did. And when I went in, an ultra-sound showed the hearbeat of Nichole! But I was still cramping so he put me on Provera...3 months later, I became so huge with this pregnancy that he decided to take x-rays to see if there were twins. After many positions (uncomfortable at least) and many pictures, I saw "suits" coming into the room. Now I knew something was not right. And no one would tell me anything.....So I got up, went to the doctor's office and demanded to know the truth. He told me - we have seen two heads on this fetus - on many positions. But you must wait for 6 weeks to take another set to be sure. Can you imagine?????? And that night I was watching Johnny Carson and he had a two-headed turtle on his show!

Needless to say, I didn't sleep for 6 weeks. When I went in, everthing was fine. "Must have been an abboration - every time a picture was taken, the baby moved it's head...." Is that a little weird to you? Was to me......Everything went fine from then on...When she was born, she had a little crooked pinky finger and I thought, well, that's our reminder of what COULD have happened!

Well, we thought maybe we had lost her twin. In the beginning. We will never know. But a few years later, there was the brain tumor. And all HELL broke loose then.....Not JUST a brain tumor, but the tumor of all tumors - on the pituitary gland. Which had to be removed. Education begins here........we are in some REAL trouble...Catastophic trouble..And indeed it was.

But we made it for 32 years. That's something in itself. Today, thank God, these tumors can be "zapped" with minimal damage. Technology is a good thing sometimes........

More to come if you are interested

Searcher

Searcher, it seems you knew from the beginning that you were in for both joy and heartache. Despite the pain, you and Nichole were blessed with the 32 years you had together.

Nichole is that fire.

Searcher, I just read your stories about your Nichole, my heart is breaking for you...I can't even begin to understand where your strength comes from...here I sit feeling sorry for myself because my daughter is living on the opposite coast from me...and you...well...you are an inspiration!! I'm glad that Nichole made a lasting impression on so many others...that in itself probably comforts you...I'd love to hear more about her..and the way she lived her life. xo

searcher, i just read your post about Nichole after posting "a mother's heart" - i know we are sisters! your journey began so long ago and you have suffered much, learned much and loved eternally. i look forward to more communication with you.