Fear

Over the past few days, I've come to realize just how much my life is impacted by profound fear. It's been this way since my brother died two years ago. Despite months of intense refocusing on the positive, gratitude attitude and celebrating what is instead of what isn't anymore, I'm constantly coming face to face with this horrible, crippling fear. Of what? I don't know for sure. I think it's a jumble, a spider's web of fear...somedays I'm scared of everything. Other days, I'm okay. I definitely have a serious phone-phobia...cannot use the phone without panic attacks.

It's coming to the forefront now because I'm trying to arrange a trip to Nova Scotia to see my best friend in October. It will be my first time away from hubby since Gary died, and I can barely stand the feelings of fear and panic. But I really have to do this, and I want to do it, I have to conquer this fear in this particular circumstance.

I can focus on the positive and I constantly work to keep my life/mind busy so as not to think about things that scare me. But sometimes, it takes my breath away, it's so intense.

I don't know how to conquer this. I went to a psychiatrist and he just said it was still grief at play and would work itself out. I'm not sure.

The screen, as I write this, is jumping so much I'm getting seasick, so I have to stop now.

I wish I had some answers for you eagle but alas since I have gotten older I too fear things like never before. Becoming helpless, being totally alone, being unable to work, I am not afraid to die but am afraid of the way I will die.

Interesting topic. I can't speak for anyone else, but I find it harder to rid my mind of "what if" fears. I can be busy working or whatever and there's a black thought raising its ugly head. What's up with that? Is it because we have lived so long and seen how bad things can happen for no apparent reason? Is it because we realize our own mortality? I don't know, but it's sometimes harder to hold on to those positive thoughts.

I think that's definitely a factor, at least for me. I know that everytime dear hubby goes out the door I can't always swallow down the fear that I won't see him again...horrible thought, but that's definitely a constant fear, losing someone I love. I'm not nearly as afraid of dying as I am of loved ones dying.

Hi Eagle, I'm sorry to hear about your fear. It sounds as if the psychiatrist left you hanging? No meditations? No medications? No words of wisdom? What if you took each step of your upcoming trip, and imagined each step going just the way you want it too. It's good that you want to try something independent of Gary.

Eagle, glad to hear you are working at this with your psychiatrist. Baby steps is probably the way out. Is there a way for you to conquer a teeny fear each day?

I'll pray for your trip in October. I so want you to go.

While on the topic of fears - my biggest fear is that something will happen to Ross or one of the kids, but I try to reason with myself by saying...when was the last time something actually happened? That helps me put things in perspective. I also try to realize that when things have happened, I've gotten through them.

Ross is a diabetic. I fear him going into a low blood sugar coma when I'm not around. It's no fun to think about because he's certainly had his share of low blood sugar bouts when I am around, and I've been able to get sugar in him or have called 911. Fortunately, we are only blocks from a fire house. It's also happened while vacationing and we were blessed to have a fire house nearby. That's why traveling to pretty deserted islands scares me.

Actually, I'm not seeing any psychiatrist right now. I went to this one for assessment for an anxiety support group, met with him twice for 45 minutes each visit. Both times he sat behind his computer at his desk, no eye contact and such a thick French accent I could barely understand him. My family doctor showed me the report the psychiatrist sent her because so much of the information was so mixed up that it didn't make any sense. So my GP and I decided I could do better elsewhere, but we haven't found any "elsewhere" yet, so I decided to just continue fixing myself on my own. It will take longer, but I'm sure it will be better in the long run!

I finally called and booked that trip to Nova Scotia in October. Now that it's done, I'm glad I did it. I even managed to call my girl friend to tell her...like you said, baby steps.

Sorry to hear about the psychiatrist. Good lord. you're right. You may very well do better on your own.

Glad to hear you booked your trip, and used the phone to call your friend. That's two big steps. How are you traveling and how long will it take you to get there?

I carry a devotional book with me in my purse. No matter where I am, if I get in a funk and need to change a worry or fearful thought, I can take out my book and change my frame of mind. Do you think that might help you?

Eagle...even though mom died 34 years ago, my issues are, and continue to be those of insecurity. I wonder if your fear is more of an insecure thing? (just speculating)

I have a lowered self-esteem (not all the time, but sometimes) etc.

Just a thought!

that is a GREAT idea, Dotsie. I could use that myself. Thank you!

Di, insecurity is my middle name! Lifelong battle with it, cannot seem to conquer it, despite years of therapy, a network of wonderfully faithful and loving friends and a profound spirituality. There's something in me that seems to be so damaged that it blocks the ability to believe what I need to believe to live/think better. But I know that, I'm keenly aware of the crippling effect of that insecurity, so I compensate by daring to speak positive platitudes into that deepest self, constantly, in the fervent hope and belief that SOMEDAY they will finally break through that barrier and become my reality rather than just platitudes. It's all I can do. I've tried everything, everyone I know has tried everything, but it's a very slow, evolutionary process...I'm much better now than say, 10 years ago, so that's progress. I know (theoretically) that people love me, I know (theoretically) all the right stuff, it just hasn't reached core-level yet. But it will. I'm certain that the fear is steeped inside of that lifelong insecurity.

I often just sit with God, in silence and in companionship. Whenever I ask Him "why", the answer is always the same..."you still don't believe you are loved". He has given me dreams and countless demonstrations of how much I am loved, and it's all slowly-but-surely healing. But the fear tells me I still have a long way to go.

One thing I forgot to mention about the psychiatrist...one really interesting tidbit of info came out of those sessions. I've suffered with chronic fatigue since the early 1980's, it has at times crippled me to the point of not being able to work or function well for weeks at a time. No doctor has ever been able to tell me the "why" of this fatigue. But this psychiatrist told me that chronic fatigue is very common in people who have had meningitis, which I had in 1979. Was hospitalized for 2 weeks and bed-ridden for 3 months afterwards. I had never heard that connection before, but it made sense, and was the best thing that came out of those sessions.

Here is the way I see you after reading years of your posts.

1. Wonderfully creative. You speak and write as I feel but I don't even know it half the time until you write it all out for me in a post.
2. Inspiring to the point that I practice Eagle Ways, as I call them, allowing me to see others in a good light when I would really rather not like them at all.
3. Lover of people, any race, any nationality, ANY.
4. Caring of others to the point of putting them first beyond your own hurting self.
5. A motivational speaker, even if you haven't found the path yet...you should and you will!!!! You must!
6. Author to the world with your words of encouragement and love.
7. Holder of all things kind. You gift the people who know you with your kindness. How blessed we are to know you!
8. Worker of illness. You never give up. You work through each pain and each illness, one day at a time, refusing to let it define you.
9. Writer, writer, writer!!!!! Give back the words we all need to hear about life, never giving up, journeys, gifts from God, beliefs, and love.
10. Friend.

Insecurity be damned.

JJ, what can I possibly say to that? It's as if a huge warm sunbeam broke through to a place deep dark place inside...or like a fountain of cool healing water flowing through a parched desert...thank you my friend. I'm printing this off and hanging it on my MIRROR.

One thing I know is that any pain I've had to crawl through has enabled me to help someone else crawl through their own dark desert. That alone makes it all worth struggling through. The saying "it takes one to know one" was never truer than it is within the context of depression and being able to help another person through what few others can understand.

Eagle, that is almost good to know about the meningitis. It seems to make sense in my non-medical knowledge. JJ wrote: "You speak and write as I feel but I don't even know it half the time until you write it all out for me in a post." I ditto that. You have a talent for that! xxoo Lynn

Yes, I ditto that too. Georgia, brilliant!

Perhaps fear comes with age. I have insecurities to overcome
as well. I like Dotsie's idea of changing your frame of mind.
I pray a lot and throw my arms around God's neck! Eagle you have
a deep faith. I'm sure you'll work through this. Many of us have
similar issues.

JJ,
I just went back and read your post! Awesome!

What is left to say Eagle Heart? JJ said it all and with such elequence. Your cyber name describes you and what you mean to us all. Your inner strength and wisdom soar high above us, swooping down to let us know you are always there watching for when we need our own darkness turned to sunshine. I for one, as do many others here, LOVE YOU!

Thank you Chatty. I printed JJ's beautiful post and have been reading it and finding such empowerment and strength in her words. When I began this thread, it stemmed out of days, weeks and months of focusing on building and nurturing a postive gratitude attitude. For the most part, that has led me to safe ground. But there was still a profound undercurrent of fear that felt like, well, I'll use a line out of my own book, felt like the quicksand was going to reach up and grab me by the ankles and swallow me whole. I knew from good experience not to allow that fear to fester, so came here to speak it out loud. All of the responses, the care expressed and the words of encouragement and understanding have helped to empower me to speak to the fear and be strong against it. JJ's words, and now yours too, remind me that these patches of dark are normal passages of grief and that it's not my totality. I realize that I just have to deal with them face-to-face and move past them.

My most fervent prayer, every moment of my day, is to be light, to speak love and light into the darkness...to help candle other people out of their own darkness. So your words are dear to my heart. Thank you!

I like the way Chatty interprets Eagle's screen name. so true!

Eagles fly above the storms. They fly alone. They have sharp vision. Eagle Heart indicates you have a strong heart. I too love your wisdom and compassion. I fight fear a great deal and am sure it's a direct result of all the negative stuff I've been through recently. Maya's quote is cool. Hang in. Hang on! And laugh lots...

Thanks Jabber.

Something I read not long ago - can't remember which book, was it "The Shack"? - has stayed with me and helped tremendously in facing these storms and losses. I can't remember the exact words, but the gist of it was that there is a golden nugget of wisdom/learning in every single event/circumstance that we find ourselves in. The journey isn't so much about getting there as quickly and as cleanly as we possibly can...it's about living through all the dark patches, storms and pain and finding the golden nuggets of wisdom within each patch and then carrying that wisdom on into the next chapter of our journey. For me, that's helped me so much, to stop worrying about tomorrow or further down the road, but to breathe myself through today, helping others through and learning whatever it is I'm meant to learn today for the next patches of life.

Eagle, it sounds like The Shack. I devoured that book.

While speaking with my brother about my dad's health, I said several times, "One day at a time." That's enough.

Phillipians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Oh to live a life like that! It sounds so easy, but is tough when you were born with the worry gene.

Let go. And let God. Gee, that's easier said than done!

I find that gratitude can turn many things around, or at least, turn my mind around. One silly example (not a "fear" example), it seemed that everywhere we went, and I mean everywhere, I had to change the toilet paper roll. Didn't matter where we went, whatever house we were in I had to hunt for the roll and put it on the roller. On our last trip to visit hubby's relatives, it was constant! I found myself grumbling about it...then one day heard God ask me "and what if this was all I ever asked of you?" And I responded "Well, if I knew it was you asking me to do this, I would do it gladly." And immediately that scripture came to mind - whatsoever you do...you do to me".

Since then, I've begun to see the blessing in changing the roll - the list is long when you think of it...many people in the world don't have running water...I have running water, an indoor toilet, toilet paper (a precious commodity in most of the world), a warm place to sit, nice fragrances to dissipate the not-so-nice fragrances...the list goes on...I can do this with everything. Doing dishes - how lucky are we to have food to put on those dishes! And hot running water, soap, a place to cook the food that went on those plates - again the list is endless when you start thinking reasons to be grateful.

I have to remember this gratitude thing when I'm confronted with fear...perhaps even the attempt to come up with things to be grateful for is a distraction from the fear!

Eagle, it is always difficult for me to answer your posts. Your words, wisdom and empathy for others often leave me feeling inadequate. This is not an easy task, my friend.

I am so happy that you booked your trip to Nova Scotia. I know you will have a wonderful trip, just as you always do when you travel.

I feel lucky to have an ingrained positive sense of my own self-worth. While there are times I am insecure, it has never overwhelmed me as it does others. I believe it is something innate, as well as something learned. I hold you in my heart, and know that you will continue to address your struggles as you move forward.

Please read, re-read JJ's words, and the words of others that believe in you, love you and know that you are truly all that you want to be. You are one of my personal heros.

Eagle, I think Anno's post speaks for all of us.

I will say that one way I practice gratitude is that every time I get into my car to go somewhere, I first give God a list of things I'm grateful for. I don't turn on the radio, I don't talk on a cell, I speak to God and tell him simply THANK YOU for ... and then I list them.

Some days it's things like the gas in the car, or the car itself, so I can go visit my grandchildren. Other days it is for being able to pay my bills...and sometimes, it's simply for having just the right amount of ___ to go into the recipe I wanted to make that morning. Simple, complex...it doesn't matter. When I start saying thank you for a few things, others come spilling out, big and little, and I find myself amazed at just how much I have to be grateful for! I believe I could drive to Texas and back and not get finished.

So I just talk it out and say THANK YOU.

By the time I reach my destination, I'm so full of joy even a bad Elvis impersonator couldn't upset me. You know?

Anno, thank you so much for your wonderful words. Funny, but you're one of my personal heroes too, and I draw much inspiration and courage from your experiences and wisdom in dealing with all that you have to deal with.

I'm probably going to sorry to share this, but here goes...one of my greatest hopes - and greatest fears - is meeting you wonderful women. I try to be everything I believe in, but am sure that when/if you ever meet me in person, you will be terribly disappointed, because I'm not even close to being "eloquent" or wise in person. I get all awkward, flustered and incapable of functioning comfortably in unfamiliar surroundings and especially spontaneous situations. That's not enough to ever keep me from actually meeting any of you, but it IS a fear...which I try to ignore, but it doesn't make it not so. T

o hear you share that I, in any way, shape or form, leave you feeling inadequate is ironic.

JJ,
I have to share one of the most powerful gratitude experiences I've ever had. I was washing dishes, there were a lot of them, and everyone else (all hubby's family) was sitting in the living room. The kitchen is small, I like it when hubby gets time to play with his grandchildren, and was ok with doing them all. But it was tedious. So I started praying...first it was thank you for the food that was on the dishes, then it became this amazingly powerful thing...as I held each dish or glass or piece of cutlery, I thought of all of the people responsible for bringing that item to my sink...do you have any idea how enormous that list of people can get? People in factories, people who support the people in factories, truckers, packers, people who forge the stainless steel, people who paint the dishes, people on assembly lines all along the way...my imagination carried me through the entire process and all of the people who had touched that dish or that glass or that fork...not to mention all the people responsible for the FOOD - farmers, plowers, harvesters...let your mind just try and ripple through all of that. By the end of the dishes, I felt connected to the entire world, because there would definitely be a global connection to most of those things reaching the stores/my house. Oh, and then I had to also thank God for all the people responsible for building my house and the sink, etc, etc.

VERY powerful. Really opened my eyes.

That's it! That's it! It is a chain of gratitude! We're ALL connected and you just proved it. Now we can all follow your practice and be connected through gratitude.

I believe if more of us did what you did, there would be less war.

What a great story, Eagle. As usual, you make my heart sing!

By the way...I've been meaning to say WELCOME HOME to Jabber! Glad to have you back here safe and sound, Ms J!

jj,
Thank you for the welcome home. I'm grateful for the opportunity
to travel. I'm grateful for WB and Xena, they add such joy to my life. And I'm grateful for this website. I love it here! And I love and appreciate all of you and your spirits!

Eagle,
I like the way you think. It's refreshing.

Anno,
You too have lots of wisdom. Prayers and blessings,

Eagle,
I like how being grateful for one thing, leads to a list of
other things to be grateful about. It's so true. And a sensitive
heart, warms the soul!

In hindsight, I've decided I'm uncomfortable with this reply, thinking it comes across as cold and unfeeling. I prefer warm and fuzzy posts. So I'm deleting it. When time permits, I'll go back and re read, with more careful consideration, the entire thread. I know many of us are functioning out of a broken heart. Therefore, soft and gentle replies are more appealing to all of us. Prayers and blessings,

Eagle, thanks for sharing your very personal, heartfelt, spiritual experiences. You continue to open my eyes with your faith.

I think I've shared this before, but a minister once shared that he prayed as he baked. He was a big bread baker and wheenver he kneaded the bread , with every push and fold, he ofered up prayers for others.

This is the type of thing that can be carried over to every household chore; folding laundry, weeding, watering, etc.

I have a row of trees lining our driveway. They are only a few years old so I've had to water them a lot. As I water each tree I pray for a different family member. It's a great way to occupy my mind in a glorious way.

Oooh, I like that, pray as you do household work! That's good.

Yes, it's our choice how we occupy our minds. I wish I chose prayer over worry more often.

I HAVE to pray, constantly, because if I don't, my mind fills up with intolerable grief and a terrible sense of futility. When I pray, I feel like I'm making an active attempt to connect to the world at large and to think outside of myself. I LOVE to pray, and love to come up with creative prayers - but what I most love to do is keep God busy. He's made it very clear that He listens to our prayers, that all of Heaven exists to answer our prayers and that when we pray for others, we ripple light and positive energy out into the continuum...there's a line in scripture in which God says "my Word does not come back to Me empty"...I believe that when we pray for one another, for our brothers and sisters around the world in need, we fill the emptiness (whether it be inside of us or the darkness in the world) with light and love.

Eagle,
Now that was a lot of good food for thought. I pray a lot, too.
The Bible says we should pray without ceasing. Sometimes the
world gets in the way, but I pray to fill up the thought processes, too. Idle thoughts allow evil to enter and then we're
in trouble. Depression flattens a person. Prayer is like a
canopy of protection. You've gotta love it!

Nova Scotia is beautiful. We took the RV up there in 1997 and
thought the scenery was wonderful. Have a good time Eagle.
There isn't one fear mentioned on this thread, which I cannot
shake my head up and down and say, "Oh yes. I fear that. too."
Perhaps when you said we've seen what can happen and what does
happen, and that inflates the fear factor, is why "fear" overtakes our thoughts. The years make a person aware of so much.
Kids don't think passed the next party.

Jabber, it's all so true, isn't it, for some of us. The fear stems from all that we've seen, and now we know painfully well what CAN and does happen. It's imperative that we do what we can to keep that fear at bay, though, because once rooted, it becomes a spider's web of anxiety, panic, futility, depression and obsessive fear.

Today is our wedding anniversary. But for some reason, at the breakfast table, I felt empty. Breakfast is usually my favourite prayer time, but this morning, I just couldn't drum up anything more than a simple grace. And I apologized to God, admitting that my heart felt heavy and empty, though I didn't know why, and that I just couldn't think of anything to say to Him this morning. Right away, He reminded me of all the hunger in the world, the people fearing for their lives all over the world, people battling cancer - etc - and I heard Him say, "when you have nothing to say, speak for those who cannot speak for themselves". Right away, I bowed my head and prayed for all of these people, and the more I prayed, the more there was to pray for. There's never any reason for an empty prayer. If I can't think of something to say, there are always people to lift up to God in care and love.

Praying like that immediately lifted the shroud of sadness (wherever it came from doesn't matter) from my heart and reminded me of how blessed I truly am.

Jabber, I lived in Nova Scotia for 17 years and always have a longing to go back. It is so beautiful there, especially this time of year when the leaves are so colorful. My best friend lives there, and we'll have a good time together. I'll also be visiting another friend who's dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Anyone who has read my book will remember Basil, a much-cherished priest friend whose gifts to me cannot possibly be encapsulated in a few short words here. Even as this terrible disease eats away at his body and abilities, Basil is a shining light of faith, radiating the Presence of God "even here" (Basil's words).

Eagle Heart, how beautiful a person you are and it doesn't surprise me in the least God spoke to you in this fashion asking you to pray for those who need prayers so much.

Eagle, your very presence at the table and sharing in this forum is the prayer, and I am humbled by your spiritual capacity and for what you teach.