Loneliness

I'm not sure this belongs here in that it is not truly a mental illness.
I am considering writing a book about the subject of "loneliness" and would welcomde any comments you might have.
I think there is a hidden epidemic of it in the world today and it seems to often be the root cause of addictions, hypochondria, unhealthy relationships, beating disorders, suicide and many other conditions.
I believe being alone is a normal, even desirable aspect of life, but loneliness is painful and terrifies not only to the lonely person, but others as well.
It is such a social taboo in America today and people seem to be terrified of 'catching it.' They avoid lonely people even if they are lonely themselves and would benefit from social contact. More and more people seem to be isolated and the rate of it seems to increase with age.
I know so many older people who have lost mates and are simply lonely. It kills people every day in nursing homes and it's so sad to see.
Being stressed, too busy, and over committed is socially acceptable, but being lonely or even healthfully alone is simply a stigma. Many of the new prozac drugs seem to mask loneliness by changing brain chemistry, but surely there is a better way. Maybe there is some way it can be addressed more effectively through society.
Any comments here?
smile

Smile, I think one of the problems here is that the people who are lonely never let it be known. Its like if you tell anyone how lonely you are or feel they'll think somethings wrong with you and you can't make any friends. Loneliness has become a stigma like being fat or unkept in your personal hygiene. I totally agree that there are many lonely people out there and I venture a guess that some of the lonelinest are married, and that is the saddest thing of all to me.....

Smile,

This is a wonderful and much needed topic for all to think about. Loneliness is not only sad but it can harm the body--physically and mentally--if ignored.

Not only does loneliness affect the elderly and infirmed but anyone who feels separated and apart from the world.

Loneliness can be cured with a smile, a visit, a gift of friendship, a talk, sharing with someone who cares, walking with a friend and other ways.

Interesting topic; so many ways to end that 'empty feeling.'

Toni

Thank you boomers for your input. Send more.

Chatty, as to why people don't let it be known that they are lonely. Maybe it is related to the way society has made loneliness a shameful topic. Seems like people are afraid to admit to it and those who could help are afraid of "catching it."
Married people certainly can be lonely. Sometimes they are the loneliest. Seems like one partner isolates the other when he or she has a secret. Maybe money or infidelity or something else.
Being alone doesn't seem the same as being lonely and probably neither is as painful as the fear of them.
Being alone was not such a bad thing when I was a kid on the farm. Seems like it has increased as we have become more urbanized.
Toni, you are certainly right. Loneliness is definitely not limited to the elderly. I just see it there often. I sometimes see it in children and teens though it seems to be linked to rejection by their peers.
I liked your statement about the 'empty feeling.' It seemed so descriptive. I wonder if we feel that we always have to be 'full.' Full of food, full of friends, full of drugs and alcohol, and just generally full?
smile

As a person who has trouble making connections with others, I'm lonely a lot. Maybe that's why I take up so many activities and projects. I have never been able to figure out the whole friendship thing.

Some people have friends they've known all their lives or at least for a long time, plus they keep acquiring new friends. I'm lucky if I manage to maintain 1 friend for a couple years. I've read everything I can get my hands on about being a good friend and meeting people, etc., but the advice doesn't seem to work. I tend to blame it on where I live and that I don't know anyone who lives nearby. All my writing acquantances live in the city.

No one, except the people who take part in this forum, knows that I'm having problems with my marriage (or the latest, that my son loaned out his car to a friend who ran into a nice red sports car with it). I don't want to lose the 1 friend I have by overburdening her or let anyone close to me know that I've got problems because I always have problems and it must get pretty annoying. I want to be fun to be around because those are the people who have lots of friends, but I can't seem to acquire that skill.

And it's hard not having anyone to call and vent with or bounce thoughts off when something traumatic has happened. I don't even tell my sisters about my troubles because I don't want them to worry or think badly of me.

Maybe some people are just socially backward. Maybe we give off some sort of repelling vibes, like an accident waiting to happen.

Agate, You don't need to feel like you have to always be "on" in order to have close friends. Women especially bond over telling troubles to each other. Look at this forum, for example -- relationships are being made here based on sharing troubles. There's a huge space between talking about problems and over-burdening someone with them. Self-disclosure is a necessary step in building friendships. When you open up to others they'll open up to you. By telling your "secrets" to others, you're saying that you trust them enough, and care about them enough to share with them. Then they'll know they can reciprocate. The friends I have the most fun with are the ones with whom I've been through the most stuff. It's a cycle.

When my husband was military he was gone A-LOT!! One time that stands out in my mind was in Goeppingen, Germany. I had just arrived in Germany two days earlier and he left for two months. I had my 4-month old daughter. I didn't know anyone, didn't dare try to go anywhere cause I was afraid of being in a foreign country (I was 22years old).

Our apartment was in a small farming town about 30km's from the base. You had to catch a shuttle bus to get to post as I didn't have a license yet. For weeks, I watched GERMAN tv, and tried to read and take care of my daughter. I was very lonely. At nights, I'd make coffee, sit in the stairwell and look out at th farmland and cry. One night about a month after my husband left, I heard someone hollering at her kid in ENGLISH. I grab my daughter, ran up and down the stairs stopping at each door till I heard ENGLISH being spoken. I beat on the door. An American girl about my age answered the door and when I asked if she was American, she hugged me and invited me in. I had found a friend. She had arrived about a week before me and was every bit as lonely. Her husband was gone with the same unit as mine. We became friends for the whole 3 years over in Germany.

Agate, I too used to feel left out. When we moved to Utah, everyone had friends that they'd known their whole life. My good friends were back on the EAST coast. I joined writing organizations, and instead of being a member, I volunteered to help with whatever needed to be done. I'd arrive early, help set up chairs, share ideas and always compliment people on whatever they did. I soon became a part of the group, not just a member. Its really not hard to make friends, everyone wants to add new friends to their list and share laughs and stories.

Sorry my post is so long

[ May 25, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Betty-boop ]

Thanks everyone for posting on this subject. Betty your story sounds like a great short story to me.
Seems everyone experiences loneliness at one time or another and seems as if we do all kinds of weird stuff to avoid it.
I just typed loneliness into a search engine and guess what came up. Very little real information, just a lot of porn sites. Isn't that interesting. I guess it's an indication of what people seek out to ease the pain of loneliness?
An addict or two has told me that they use drugs to cure their loneliness. Toni, maybe it's at the core of fear in some way.
smile

As most of you know my job is work from home as a Phone Fantasist(phone sex) On most occasions. I speak to men, most of them married. I hear all the time how lonely they are, alot of them just want to chit chat. Imagine having to pay someone to listen to you. Of course my job is to make them feel wonderful about themselves and I am good at it. But there are times when I feel sad hearing a man tell me how sad and lonely and yes, afraid they are. I've asked them if they didn't have a friend to talk to and they seemed shocked at the question saying, "men don't talk about such things we're suppose to be tough not sissys." Strange but true. Women don't call, I only hear from the men...

Chatty,
Thanks for your unique point of view. You probably hear loneliness in the voices of your clients every day.
Loneliness is probably the norm rather than the exception and people seem to be seeking companionship in increasingly anonymous ways. Anonymity may be a big part of the popularity of the internet and of the phone. It seems that people are trying to substitute 'company' for 'companionship' and 'sex' for 'love.'
So many people seem to be lonely within their marriage. It sounds as if men may be lonelier than women or maybe they just are more willing to substitute sex for love.
Strangely, there seems to be greater loneliness in larger cities. It seems the more densely populated we become, the lonelier we are though I have no way of measuring it. I wonder how one could measure loneliness. Any ideas?
There certainly seems to be a hidden epidemic of loneliness in our country today. Wish I could figure out how to change that.
smile

[ May 25, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

smile, what a topic! I think loneliness is a huge problem for the elderly. They need people to be with them and they need to be touched.

This might be a good place to share this. I am a people person. Gotta have lots of people in my life. I was raised in a family of seven. There were 5 kids and Mom and Dad. Our house was like Grand Central Station. The door was always open for our friends. People were either coming to the door or ringing on the phone. Great fun.

As an adult I love to get together with family and friends. It jazzes me. I am usually the one to phone a friend and ask them to do something.

Some people might not reach out to others because they figure others don't reach out to them. I say who cares...as long as we get
together. I'll be the pest. I don't mind.

And usually when I plan something, people come and we have fun. It's just everyone being together that makes it special.

One of the main reasons behind my project was that I didn't want to be alone later in life. The past stages of my life have been very busy and I was afraid of the empty nest.

I have three teens and hope I've raised them to be independent. So I picture them all living on their own some day and me being here thinking, where is everybody? I pray Ross is here to live out the golden years with me, but he is a Diabetic (shorter life span? and a male) and I don't want to be alone. God knows I want him to out live me.

But, thanks to God... now I have all of you! We have each other. And we will meet one day! I feel certain. I feel blessed!

Now I could be struck dead tomorrow, Ross could live forever, and the kids may never leave home, but I have a passion given to me by the Lord and I'm grateful. I no longer have the fear of being alone.

We have to face our fears and do something to change them. Just my ten cents worth...too long! I guess I could have put this in Toni's post too.

I see a lot of fear of the 'empty nest' in the posts here. It has helped me realize some things I had never faced before.
Though I had taught growth and development and knew it would happen, the empty nest hit me with unexpected force. I had my kids young and they left home for college when I was barely forty. I was married at the time, but had raised my kids alone and we were very close. They helped me finish a couple of extra degrees and start the business. They were my inspiration and my motivation. I had a mission.
When the last one left home, I was just lost. I closed a very profitable business, stopped submitting my writing, and wound up divorced.
I have never totally regained the enthusiasm that I had for raising those girls. My recent marriage has added passion and given me joy, but it's not the same in that he is not depending on me. I am not driven to succeed for him as I was with my girls.
I think on some level, we have children and marry as a sort of insurance against loneliness and when our children leave home or our marriage ends, either in divorce or death, that insurance is cancelled and we are left to face a whole new form of loneliness.
smile
Dotsie,
P.S. Dotsie, Don't worry. You'll never be alone. You've got US. Whether you want us or not, you're stuck with us.

[ May 27, 2004, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Dotsie I heartily agree with Smilinize that you'll always have us and many years from now when we are no longer the age of BOOMERS, we can hobble up to the computer on our canes and write as BLOOMERS he he!!

Chatty, What an image. All us as little old ladies hobbling to our computers to post on the BLOOMER site.
That oughtta' warm your heart.
Or scare the daylights out of you.
smile

I think my writing expresses it best, and I've written about loneliness a lot. I'm going to post two pieces SEPARATELY so I'm not clogging up space in this post, as they're both rather long. (And if I can't cut and paste, I'll come back here and say OOPS, sorry.) The first is an essay called "Loneliness," written when I was 21. The second is called "The Dream" and was written a few years ago.

Be back...