Just So you Will Know

I have just recently retired from being a Psych nurse. Add to that I have been diagnoised with depressive/anxiety Disorder/PTSD/Bi-Polar/Borderline Personality with schizo possible. AND OCD!
Anybody wanna talk?

Welcome to BWS, Nikki and you've come to the right place to talk. I'm diagnosed as BPII. I have a good handle on my illness as my doctor saw it through with me to get on the right meds. It took about a year or so to get the meds and dosages right. A couple of weeks ago I had a follow up appointment, and he asked how I was feeling on the meds. I looked at him and said, "I'm feeling great. Don't mess with them."

And, I am feeling great. I'm writing (which is always a good indicator of my mental mood.) and that's always good.

How about you? How long have you been diagnosed and how do you feel? Anything you need to talk out?

Hi, Nikki, don't you wonder about the accuracy of all those diagnoses? It sounds a bit too much. And you, having background as a Psych. nurse, would be aware of symptoms pointing to that.

I have taken SSRI's for years, first Prozac, and now Paxil. It has helped me tremendously, and I recognize that I have a predisposition (call it a chemical imbalance) toward depression with which I've struggled since childhood. I also recognize that the symptoms were very much present in both parents, and I think of it as both genetic and environmental in origins.

Last summer, my physician saw that I was doing SO WELL, that he reduced my Paxil. I haven't been quite right since, and within the past couple of months he went back and prescribed the original dosage, and I feel it is now not working as well. These meds are very delicate, and my doc should not have screwed with it. In myself, I recognize symptoms of obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior also, as well as currently battling mild depression. Prior to my doctor screwing with the meds, I was free of all of that.

Good luck to you, and keep posting.
ARI

You're to be commended for opening up, Nikki. We all know it's difficult to discuss some of our ailments.

Well, I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time. I went kinda off the edge about 10 years ago and the medications they had me on worked great. THEN...as Nurses are prone to do (we're so stupid), I decided I didn't need it anymore. Well, about a year ago I started slowly exhibiting some mild symptoms but this past Jan. I went off the deep end for real. That's when they told me I had more than 1 diagnosis. So they have me on all kinds of meds to make me feel "normal" > But thats why I retired so early. I can't take the meds and work as a nurse. So, I'm working full time trying to hone my writing skills.
Thanks for your kind words. BTW I posted in some topic here, I forget which one, an article I wrote for National Missing Children's Day. I'd like some feedback on how it could have been better.
THE END

[ May 26, 2005, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Nikki Stewart ]

"having background as a Psych. nurse, would be aware of symptoms" I know the symptoms are indicitive of all. I'm on Luvox which treats Depression & OCD. I take Klonopin, Wellbutrin and Zyprexa as well.
I don't feel I'm over medicated. I hate taking meds so believe me if I didn't think I needed them, I'd flush 'em.

[ May 26, 2005, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: Nikki Stewart ]

Nikki, how do you feel about retiring? You sound matter-of-fact about it. I have had clinical depression and anxiety disorder, including panic attacks. My concern was that I was always treated for the symptoms. It was not until my 40's that the reason for the symptoms started to be addressed. As Ari says, both my parents had depressive tendancies, and my father was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I worried for years that I would be "just like my father." Anyway, my 40s it was noted that I'd really been battling PTSD forever, due to childhood sexual abuse and other traumas. So, in my case, it was nurture AND nature. The early anti-depressants such as Elavil made me a disabled zombie. The newer anti-depressants, such as Zoloft and Celexa, have been a life-saver to me. I also take Xanax at night because I get night-time anxiety. As a social worker, I was able to do research that indicates the a high percentage of people in psych wards are treated for symptoms, when the underlying causes for the symptoms (such as sexual abuse) are undiscovered and thus not addressed. I have so much respect for psych nurses. I wrote about one in Beyond the Tears who took an interest in me, and I will never forget her kindness. The psych nurses and aides were much more beneficial to me than any single session with the stupid shrink. I would say that that your profession would be enough to upset anybody! Thanks for opening up this topic. Love and Light, Lynn

Hi, again, Nikki,
I didn't mean to suggest that you may not need the meds or to diminish the diagnoses of the conditions. I commend you on posting here, and on sharing with us. We can all benefit, especially myself, from sharing with our sisters here on our passage thru difficult times.
ARI

Hi Nikki -

My son had (primarily) paranoid schizophrenia - a little OCD -a little personality disorder - it sounds like a lot of different diagnosis's -- but in reality -- they all tend to cross lines over and over with each other.

Robert was on Zyprexia and Paxil and he did very well on it. All the violence stopped and he was able to read and watch TV without demons coming out of the pages or screen at him. Seroquil made him see the Blair Witch and he thought she was chasing him around the house trying to kill him --it took about 48 hrs to get that out of his system. Within two weeks of switching to Geodon -- he chose to stop the torment of the voices with a gun. As a nurse - I'm sure you know all the dangers of doctors playing around with meds. As a parent - we found out the hard way.

I was diagnosed with MPD (DID) about 15 yrs ago. Not much you can do with meds with that -- drug one that needs it -- throw the others off balance.
But recently -- since I've pretty well "incorporated" -- and been "hanging out" here -- I think the few things that bother me now (a little OCD - small panic attacks - occasional fear of leaving my house) could now be helped with meds.

Its just that I've lived with me for so long -- I've gotten used to it. I'm not sure I'd know what to do if meds changed all that.

Dear Lionspaw, I am so sorry to hear about your son. What a tragedy. My father also committed suicide due to hallucinations, amongst other things. You know. what with the crime in our country, anyone with or without a mental illness could have fear of leaving the house! Love and Light, Lynn

Dear Nikki,
You'll always find a willing listener here at BWS. Many of us have suffered w/ disorders or mental illness and or have family members who have. I'm happy to listen if ever you need a friend. So many of the women here have helped me over the past couple of years, it's time to pay it forward. Email privately if you like.
Kathryn

I'm a retired Home Health nurse, and I am also bipolar. Didn't figure it out until 1998, when my mom was diagnosed on her deathbed. With a second major in psych! The mood swings can be blamed on life stresses, so it's hard to diagnose. I figured it out when I cried over getting a $4000.00 check. I was overdosed on depakote, my liver and pancreas went toxic,almost died, and now I'm afraid to take anything. The doc had me on 1,000 mg/day. I only weigh 100 lbs. Looked it up in the PDR-I thought that sounded like too much! I had a psychotic break too, without knowing it, and took my hands and eyes off the wheel while driving in a school zone. Now, I have a broken neck and head injury to go with it. The shrink is not responsible because I didn't go to the hospital. Heck, I didn't even know anything was wrong with me! I have partial seizures now, and my neurologist just overdosed me on Zonegran. Turns out it's a sulfa drug, and I'm allergic. I have chronic migraines, and carry imitrex injections everywhere I go. Then, to top that off, 8 years ago I went through menopause, in itself a mood disorder. Is there no end? Good thing there's a heaven. I, for one, can't wait!

Blaze, I appreciate your comment about heaven. How true.

I'm sorry to hear about your ups and downs. How long ago was your accident?

Do you keep track of what medications and the exact dosage that work? Are you satisfied with the doctor you are currently seeing?

I had a friend who died in her late 70's, or maybe she was 80. Anyway, she battled depression and mental illness her whole life. She was diagnosed bipolar only a few years before her death. She was so grateful for the diagnosis. She said it helped her make sense of her life.

[ May 31, 2005, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Yes, exactly. We are told it's everything from postpartum depression to PMS to hysterical woman syndrome, I used to think it was the men in my life. We're not nuts, just moody! Look around at any time, and you'll find something to blame it on. Brain chemistry is the true cause, they say, and I add: it has a lot to do with blood sugar, too. I produce too much insulin in response to sugar or carbohydrates. No brainer: when the blood sugar is normal, we feel good. If not, then we are either on a high or a low. They need to research that further, since we are a nation consuming on average 120 lbs of sugar per year, and 50 years ago, we consumed only 3 1/2 lbs. per year. SEE THE RED FLAGS, ANYONE? Just got my medicaid card, will be going to the doc to play guinea pig soon. If you are female, you are often misdiagnosed. Remember the aspirin thing? The accident was 7 years ago, and I couldn't even make a sentence for a year. I thought I would be a writer when I retired. Well...maybe. The hospital said I was fine, and sent me home with codeine. My doggone neck was broken! I TOLD 'EM that sucker hurt. Found this out in January this year. Too late to sue. We nurses say, we're here to keep those doctors from ruining people's lives. Bif!

I see a link in the amount of sugar I consume to how my mood is. Since I have been on the ATkins, not really strict, my mood has improved and my depression has lessened. I can always tell the difference if I have over loaded on sugar. I feel horrible.

Sherri, same thing here with both my middle child and myself...we also have interesting food allergies that will kick in mood swings.

Our family began switching to more natural based foods, lacking in food colorings/dyes/preservatives and eating lots of protein several years ago to combat some of the difficulties we have had with blood sugar levels - very much like the Feingold Diet.

Blaze, I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through. I carry Imitrex injections too because too often I vomit the tablets and thus waste a dose. I also experience paralysis during migraines. I've been on Depakote to prevent migraines, although I am moody but NOT bi-polar. However, my neurologist during cancer said that Depakote is now used to "break" a migraine. I think I was getting 1000 mgs IV. But I was on it for a year, and it didn't work as a preventative. So she switched me to Topamax, which made me thin and crazy, and caused WORSE headaches! The Topamax c aused such tingling in my hands and feet that I couldn't feel the keyboard and the floor. Plus, it made me aggressive. For example, instead of saying, "Honey, how about a kiss" I'd say, "Hey, you give me a kiss right now!" So, now I am on good old Inderal as a preventative, Celexa, and Imitrex PRN plus phenargan for nausea. Blaze, you must have been in so much pain to have a broken neck! I've been almost two weeks with a migraine. They are completely debilitating. The best treatment for me is Demoral to knock it out but Imitrex is also a miracle drug in my lifetime. Dallas, has changing your diet helped? Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, I can't believe you battle these headaches and other ailments. You are so high functioning. How do you do so much when you feel so poorly? You're amazing!

Hi Dotsie, thanks for saying that I am high functioning. I need to hear that sometimes. I woke up feeling like a loser today because I'm not doing enough. My husband and I talked about me going back to work, using my social work degree, but I am so afraid of these migraines! I wonder how much more I could have done had I not had these ailments. Thanks for the compliment...I really needed that today! Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn,

You are more then "high functioning"...and you are on a journey that is a mission as well.

Make sure you take time to take care of yourself, instead of looking at what you aren't accomplishing.

You are where you are saposed to be!

Got that?

hugs,
danita

Wow, Danita, thank you so very much. You're right, I do look at what I'm not accomplishing. I appreciate the reminder to look at what I have done! Love and Light, Lynn P.S. I just joined CCASA: Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assualt. They are interested in using me and my book for presentations to the entire state!

Lynn,

Awesome! Don't get side-tracked from your passion!

Can't wait to get toghther with you again!

hugs,
danita

Hello to Everyone,
This is Julie Pedersen, one of the authors of "The Panic Diaries" which is the featured book for this month's discussion. Thought I'd extend an invitation to one and all to drop into the forum, share your thoughts, ideas, worries and have a little fun (well, maybe not FUN..., but my co-author (Jeanne Jordan) and I do try to be FUNNY whenever possible). Of course, as lifetime sufferers of anxiety and panic, we know there's nothing funny at all about these conditions. But we think we've found a way to talk about them that takes some of the sting out - so please, join in and join us.
-Julie Pedersen

I'm gonna say it again. I've suffered with Migraines my whole life. Botox has put a stop to them. Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Yes. I have lost too many days suffering from these horrible headaches that just suck the life out of me. What cost freedom?

I know Dianne. Please see my questions on the hairy body forum. Thanks.

Lynn, there's a new nasal spray that's working great for me. It's Zomig 6mg. Also I have Maxalt dissolving tablets. They melt on your tongue so you won't vomit. If you take it within the 1 hour window, you feel better in about 10 minutes. Also, be careful not to take a narcotic like codeine if you might be getting one. It's a a known trigger. That can kick it into overdrive. Phenergan is so yucky I try to take a dose of one of these within the 1 hour, to avoid that nasty ol' nausea hormone.

Lynn, the diet change has really helped my daughter, especially. When tests came back that showed that she was hypoglycemic and that she came back highly allergic to many foods, including oranges it was a like a lightbulb moment for our family. Kayleigh has always been a little more energetic than most children, but when she consumes anything with oranges/citric she is jittery, loopy, can't focus, irritable and just literally bouncing off the walls. For the longest time I could not understand why Kayleigh kept having "cold-like" symptoms when every morning I would make her drink a glass of orange juice, take vitamins with EXTRA vitamin c (from citric source) and also her toothpaste was mint (she is also allergic to this). I basically sent my child off to preschool each day loaded up with things that her body considered "toxic" and I had no clue that these foods were doing this to her.

It really opened my eyes at the time to other children of friends who had been diagnosed as ADHD/ADD. I recommended to their moms to have their allergies tested and sure enough ALL of the children had severe food allergies to at least one if not more types of food that they were consistently eating and over 1/2 of the children tested positive for hypoglycemia, electrolyte/salt imbalances and more. I think science has a lot of explaining to do instead of medicating our children.

JMO - fortunately for us now, if Kayleigh begins to exhibit some of the symptoms that she did before we are very near to the Block Center which is ran by Dr. Mary Ann Block, a pioneer in treating children who have been misdiagnosed with ADHD/ADD and given Ritalin.

Hi Dallas, wow, it just goes to show how children are too often mis-diagnosed. I do believe diets have a direct relation to behavior. Blaze, yes, I have had the nasal sprays. And I am allergic to codeine and morphine. When I was hospitalized with cancer, I was given the morphine drips, which did not help the accompanying migraine, but worsened it! On the other hand, Demoral alleviates the headache. I don't keep narcotics around the house, except for Darvocette for the chronic daily headaches. You know, I've often been too sick to get out of bed and get the med! I'm glad you have found some relief with the meds. LLL

Lynn,

I, too, got the morphine drip for severe migraines during chemo. They didn't stop the pain, but made me care less. Isn't it fun how many wonderful chemo stories we share? Each chemo migraine, I was wheeled in for a brain scan because the doctors were afraid it was brain cancer.

Maxalt works about 50% of the time. I'm totally scared about Botox, although it probably isn't any worse than the poisons I currently take. Don't want to try nasal sprays because I'm prone to nosebleeds.

Something like 10% of my life is consumed by migraines. I try not to get angry or depressed about this, because everyone has their difficulties in life. Still, it makes me sad, especially on the days when I'm completely dysfunctional. The rest of the time, I concentrate on all that I accomplish when I'm feeling well. You should too. We can't get back the wasted days, but we can make the most of the good ones.

Well said, Meredith, "We can't get back the wasted days, but we can make the most of the good ones." When I was menstruating, I would migraine at ovulation and menstruation. I was down and out 5 days a month. times 12 months and I was bedridden 60 days a year. That two whole months! Fortunately, that has been halved since chemopause. Yes, I too had MRI and CT due to worry of brain cancer. I told my husband that I want my head autopsied and donated to science because there is something wrong with my head that doctors have not yet discovered. I can hear my skull crack. Yes, although Dianne swears by Botox, I'm still nervous about it, except maybe I want it to smooth my frown lines. Meredith, what is Maxalt? Is that like Imitrex? The nasal sprays are so quick, one poof in one nostril. I'm sorry you experienced all that too. Love and Light, Lynn

Maxalt is related to Imitrex in that they are both beta-blockers and can screw up your heart. Then everything can screw up something, and migraines definitely do their share. Maximum dosage for beta blockers is two pills/shots a day, whether Imitex or Maxalt or any combination of them. Maxalt is relatively new, and my insurance only started covering it a year ago.

My migraines started about a year after my periods, and happened the 3rd or 4th day of my bleeding. I went to specialists who wanted to put me on weird diets because they always check if it's a food allergy, and I was like "it happens the 3rd day of every month, and I'm no expert, but it sounds like it may be hormonal."

I saw my most recent specialist 2 years ago. I said "90% of my migraines are absolutely caused by one of three factors: 1.arthritis in my neck; 2.lack of sleep; and 3.overheating" and she still wanted me to go on one of those diets. When I refused, she said I wasn't a good patient.

Lynn, if you had Zofran during chemo, there was like a 1 in 1,000% chance of severe migraines (yes, I read all those package inserts.) You and I seemed to be the poster girls. Although my doctors said no definitive research had been done, I KNOW that my severe reaction was because my migraines at that time were turbulantly hormonal. I love your term "chemopause" -- hadn't heard it before, but I intend to use it, if I may!

Sorry you had to go through all that too.

I solved my frown line problem by growing bangs.

Meredith, that's so funny, I am wearing bangs too to cover my frown lines. Can you believe this: I also have arthritis in my neck? When will insurance cover massage? I find that to be very beneficial, but costly. When my book sales soar, I am going to get massage weekly! I certainly can get my sleep in because Xanax helps, and I no longer live in Arizona because talk about over heating! So we have the same triggers, amongst other triggers. Of course you can use chemopause! Yes, I was on Zofran (I think to combat nausea) but was taken off because of migraines. If it aint one thing, it's another. Thanks for all your information and compassion, back at ya! Love and Light, Lynn