Desperate for advice

I found this message board via google, and don't know where to turn for help.

My brother in law showed up yesterday, he has a history of mental illness, Schizophrenia and bipolar, and had no where to go and no money.

He stayed with us last night, but we don't know what to do with him. He really can't stay here for long, because I have three small children and my husband owns his own business and we just don't have the time or money to support him and all the services he'll need.

He has no other family to turn to, and we are just at a loss.

Are there services out there we can use, get him in a group home or something? Who should we contact? We are just so lost right now.

Thank you so much for listening, and any advice would be much apprecieated!

Marie

Maybe you could get him into a shelter of some kind. He sounds homeless.

They may be reluctant, but you should contact the state mental health department and the department of social services then the Salvation Army. If they don't accept him, maybe they will at least refer you to someone who will.

He may oppose help from an agency especially if he is using drugs because some do drug tests. But he can't expect you to care for him. He may not leave willingly and you may have to force him to go.

I, and I'm sure other boomers will be praying for you and your family.

smile

Is there anyway that your husband could give him a job or take him to work with him? The reason that I ask is that because of his history of mental illness. It is sometimes hard for them to find work and become productive members of society. If he is employed that means that he can get on medication for his condition.
Either way, it should be your husband that talks to him. I am afraid that if you say something he may become hostile. Please keep an eye on your little ones while he is around. I will be praying for your family.

I am just so lost right now.

He can't hold a job, because it just never works out. He gets disability, but not really enough to make a difference. Plus, although the checks come from the government, he was originally in Las Vegas, and then Tennesee, and now with us in New York (and who knows how many states in between) He is delutional, because he is not on medication (he keeps on telling my husband crazy things like that there are devil worshipers in the woods, and that some guy came to my house and raped me while my husband was out) which has me a bit worried.

He came with a cocktail of drugs, all in one of those little pill boxes that have the days of the week on them. But no bottles, so we have no idea where they are from or even what they are. He doesn't even like taking medication, which I feel will be a battle even if we get him treatment.

I just can't do this right now. We have so much on our plate, and to add one more thing is just not possible right now. My husband is at a loss, because it is his brother and he feels responsible.

I'm a little bit scared and have never really had to deal with any of this before.

Thank you guys for letting me vent, even though I'm not even a baby boomer!

I am going to call Social Services on Monday and ask them for advice at least. I don't know what they can do, but I'm hoping they can lead me in the right direction, and at least get him to the doctor.

Thanks again....and any more advice is still welcome!!

Marie

Hang in there. Hey Boomer ladies, does anyone have experience with this sort of thing?

Marie, I did a google search and found at site
http://www.cqc.state.ny.us
The phone number is
1-800-624-4143

No experience with it, but I agree with all of the others. Keep your children close to you tonight, and call for assistance first thing in the morning.

Be persistent; if one organization can't help you, ask for referrals. This will be difficult, especially if he doesn't understand how much help he needs. As much as you want to help him, and probably feel a little responsible for him, you have to protect yourself and your children first.

Take care and let us know, k?
Kathy

I ended up calling a local hospital that deals with this sort of thing. They said I could bring him in so he could be evaluated and they could put him back on medication.

This was a relief, because I just didn't know where to turn.

I told my husband and he thinks that he'll be open to going to the doctor, because he said he wanted to go yesterday, so I'm hoping they can give him some help.

The only thing is, that it is outpatient unless he's severe enough for them to keep him. I'll have to call social services tomorrow and see if there is any temporary housing available or assistance we can use to get him out of our house...that sounds so harsh, but it's a bit uncomfortable with him starring at us all the time...it's strange.

Hopefully we will be able to take him to the hospital tomorrow afternoon.

This is such a hard situation, thank you guys all so much for your kind words, I really needed it!

Marie

Tell them he has no home and no where to go and you have small children and no room in your home, none, and be persistant about being afraid of him around the children....No one is going to protect them and you if you don't. Oh and about your not being a Boomer, ALL women are welcome here so don't you worry about a thing. You can also have him sign himself into a mental facility for observation which is usually a 30 day period or maybe until they can find him a halfway house....Good luck and be safe.

[ April 30, 2006, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Marie, this is going to sound so harsh and heartless, but you must get him out of the house. Even if it turns out later that it wasn't necessary, at this point, you don't know and your number one job is to protect yourself and your children.

I'm not one to advocate harsh measures when dealing with mental illness, but I think this is one very potentially dangerous situation where you must put safety and caution ahead of your compassion for your brother-in-law. Some here will disagree with me, but I urge you to get him out of the house TODAY, either through an agency that will take him, or call the police. I don't want to scare you, and like I said, we may find out later that there was no reason to be frightened, but I have had experience with schizophrenic friends...when their medications are mixed up and they begin to talk about seeing harmful things like devil worshippers and rape, it's time to worry.

Please, Marie, do it today. Get him out of the house. Err on the side of safety.

PS Having all those particular drugs around the house is very dangerous with small children around. No matter how diligent YOU are, your brother-in-law may not be able to be careful right now, and could quite easily drop pills on the floor or leave them on a table in easy reach of the children. Once he leaves, you may want to do an exhaustive search through the house.

[ May 01, 2006, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I just wanted to give you a bit of an update, and I wish I would have seen that last post before I did.

We took him to the hospital today, but it didn't quite work out the way we planned. He was unwilling to admit anything and wouldn't even allow my husband in the room with him. My brother in law just said that he wanted a blood test and "didn't know why he was there"...which upset my husband. After an exhausting trip, they came home and my husband was fuming. He called his mother to ask for advice, she said that he needed to be back on the meds, which he had with him. So, we told him this, and he refused to take pills, because one of his delusions was that the pills were going to kill him. Well, my husband finally convinced him to take them, after going online with him for 2 hours and doing research, and agreeing to take one of his pills with him.

So, at this point, we are up against a wall, with time running out. I'm scared, and I'm scared for my children, and I'm afraid that if I say this, if I tell my husband that I can't live here with him that it will just add more burden to this already burdening situation. I'm close to the point where I just want to go stay with my parents until he leaves, is that too harsh? Should I be taking these drastic measures?

If he refuses to be treated for this by an actual doctor, what choice do we have? Do we have to stage some sort of intervention or just kick him out? Should we wash our hands of him, or get the state to take him....it's just a no win situation for any of us.

My husband assures me he isn't violent, how does he know for sure? He doesn't know what's going on in his head, and it just terrifies me at night to go to bed, all the scary senario's run through my head.

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just so frustrated and lost right now, I feel like I'm in the middle of this whole situation, because my husband wants to treat him with kid gloves and I just want him gone...I guess I'm the bad guy here (a title I'd wear proudly at this point).

Thanks for letting me rant...I'm going to talk to my husband again in the morning and hopefully get some clarity.

Marie

Well, I just wanted to let you ladied know that we took him to the hospital yesterday and he was admitted. My husband took it very hard and was the most upset I've ever seen him. It was pretty emotional, my brother in law didn't know why he was there and was confused and scared. He didn't know where he lived or where he was born and called my husband "a friend of mine" instead of his brother.

I know this is only the beginning of a very long battle, but at least it's a start.

Thanks so much for listening.

Marie

I will pray for all of you. Be happy because at least this way he will get the help he need and you can rest a little easier.

Marie, I had to do much the same thing with a good friend of mine many years ago. I was part of an intervention that "tricked" him into going into the hospital. He was so upset with me, felt so betrayed, and we've never been the same since. But he had to go, he was doing really weird things, like walking down a busy highway in the middle of the night with his pajamas on. He may not be talking to me anymore, but at least he's still alive now probably because we did intervene and get him the help he needed.

Your BIL sounded like he was getting much too close to a very dangerous precipice...my fear was that he would hurt someone if he didn't get help soon. My friend would not have hurt anyone, but would definitely have eventually hurt himself. Your BIL sounds like he might have gone the other way and hurt someone else. Hopefully, now, we'll never know for sure!

I am so happy to hear he is in the hospital where he beongs. You're right, it will be a long haul, but hopefully they will be able to get his medication squared away and place him in intensive therapy.

I'm hopeful they will assign a social worker to his case who should be able to set him up with agencies and programs that will help him on his path to recovery.

Thanks for the update.

I'm with Dotsie, here, Marie. Thank God you got him into a hospital before something more dangerous happened. You made the right choice, your family comes first.

While he's in the hospital, he'll have a case worker. Hopefully that person can help your BIL find accommodations after he's well enough to leave the hospital and outpatient therapy that he can attend on a regular basis. Or, he may not ever be well enough. If he won't stay on his meds, he could be a danger to himself and to society.

Take care of yourself and remember we're thinking of you.

What a sad situation.

My nephew's FIL is mentally ill and delusional. He was a doctor before his illness progressed and now, he's homeless. He slept on their enclosed back porch for a while. He leaves and comes back periodically.

They don't feel he's dangerous but he changes the daily function of their little family so my nephew doesn't allow him to stay with them anymore. Plus, they have young children and how do you explain?

There is such a stigma attached to mental illness and rightfully so. I just thank God for my health and that of my family too.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words. It's been a really trying time for us. We've never had to deal with anything like this before, but I think it has brought us closer together emotionally.

My husband went today to talk to the doctors and hopefully figure out a plan for when he gets out. They said when he arrived he was "acutely phycotic", which doesn't sound good. But he has responded to his medication. We know he wants to get out of there and are hoping that he isn't faking the recovery so that he can (I guess with his condition, it has been known to happen).

I'm waiting to hear from my husband right now, I'm hoping it's good news.

It's funny how you live in this little bubble, taking all those mundane things for granted. We started thinking about those little problems that arrise, money and car trouble and this was a huge wake up call to the tune of "we are healthy, and happy and mentally intact"....you never know what's around the corner.

I'll keep you posted on the happenings. I'm glad we got him help and I'm glad I don't have to consider the "what if's".

Marie

Marie,
I just came across you post today. I I’m really sorry for what you are going through. What I would say is that you need to take care of you. In the midst of being a care taker and giving acts of service, sometime the helper is hurt more than the victim. During this short moment in your life of this situation, take time for YOU. Meditate, go on a walk call friends, get your nails done, post to your boomer friends and realize that you are importation. Look up, see the beautiful clouds, and enjoy the weather. Redefine your job. Your job is to be a wife and mother and focus on that.

I hope this helps.

Cheers,
Darlene

Darlene, great advice. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

I have a schizophrenic sister and we had to 'trick' her into being hospitalized once, too. It felt awful, but she really did need it, and DID respond positively to being back on her meds. The difficult thing with someone who's schizophrenic is that they start feeling 'normal', and decide to go off their meds and that's when trouble starts again. One thing you might check into and that's whether there are group homes available that he might move into after his hospitalization is over. This is something that his doctor should be quite willing to address - his living situation once he's stabilized. My sister has lived in a group home for years and is doing well.

Best wishes.

dejavu, group home living is the best. We have one across the street from us. It's for the mentally disabled. They are very good neighbors. All of them go out to work every day, have chores around the home, and families fairly nearby that love and visit them often.

I would guess that your sister is much better off living there than with a family member. Families tend to over do the care and concern in these situations. I believe independence is best if it's possible.