lost in my tears

It's been almost 2weeks since I had to have my husband involuntarily committed. He still doesn't think he is ill & blames me solely for putting & keeping him there. Although I was approached by law enforcement & given the choice of jail or hospital. (It was justified.)

We are new to this. He has never been diagnosed with mental illness before. That's not to say he didn't exhibit signs & symptoms in the past. I love him very much & I want to stay by his side. At first he was justifiably angry, sad & confused. It was our anniversary 2 days following his placement & this did not help. His anger towards me got better but his delusions of grandeur remained the same. He was still intent that he was going to save the world.

Today I, then we, had a meeting with his social worker & nurse practitioner. He thinks I prevented him form being able to leave in two days. So now he again wants a divorce & doesn't want to see me. To top it off, I have to testify on Thursday as to his behavior leading to his commitment. And, he will be present. I worry this will be the nail in our coffin. When he is released, how will he ever forgive me? I know I have to do this for his safety & well being but..... I feel so guilty. He is my soul mate & I love him so much. I find myself questioning if he should be there or if he really does has an illness.(although family, friends & professionals agree he does)

We live 1600 miles away from our families & friends. I have made some great new friends where we live & they along with our families have been very supportive. But I still feel alone. But, I don't want to be around anyone either. I prefer to be alone, at home with the dogs. I am lost. I have been reading & researching bipolar (dx they are leaning towards.) & I'm going to my 1st support group tomorrow. But in all I've read, I have yet to find a source to help families deal with the newly diagnosed. Must less, a source for new families of a pt. that doesn't believe they are ill.

I guess I'm looking for someone who is, has, or had this experience. I'm sure all can remember when their unwilling family member was first diagnosed. I guess not many have written about it. I just need to hear something, anything. I am dreading court. I don't want to loose alienate my husband. My heart is breaking.

[ June 07, 2006, 04:16 AM: Message edited by: swimette ]

Swimette, I am so sorry for your pain as well as your husband's pain. Even though I have never had to face this personally I am a professional counselor and have walked others through this process. You have suffered a great loss and you can expect to go through the stages of grief, which are evidenced in your letter. Shock, denial, extreme hurt, sadness, anger are the feelings that will cycle. You may feel all of these in one day and then you may feel one of them all day. There will be no set pattern. Be prepared for these feelings....they are normal. Guilt is also a normal feeling for having to do what you did. But it sounds as though you only did what you had to do. Stay strong! Your husband may or may not divorce you but his behavior, also, is "normal" for someone with a mental illness. He is having to adjust to this and he, also, is suffering a loss. Please hang in there and know that you are in my prayers.
God Bless,
Rose

Swimette, I cannot offer any advice. I can however offer to support and listen. I am going to start praying for both you and your husband today. Please stay here with us and we will see you along your way.
Luv
chick

[ June 07, 2006, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

I have a son (28)that is bipolar. He has had 2 manic episodes in the past 3 years. Last December, he refussed to go for help and in the midst of his mania (walked home from a bar - 20 miles approx. - in 15 degree weather- in his shirtsleeves) we had to have the police pick him up and take him to the county mental hospital. He has no insurance - and that is unfortuantely what we have to deal with.

We was very angry with all of us for quite a long time. As he began to regain his health, he realized that we had no other option.

It's a long story, he's been in a depression since February - he stopped taking medication shortly after he was released from the hospital. We just moved him back in with us - he is financially a mess now, too. He's drying out (he chose to medicate with alcohol which isn't unusual) and feeling better (one week sober as of yesterday.) The next step will be to get him to see that he HAS to get professional help - or we'll be facing another episode (manic/depressive) again.

I feel for you, swimette, and unfortunately I don't have any answers either. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

My uncle had to commit my aunt many years ago and she had to go through horrible electric shock treatments. When she was released, she was well and understood why he had to commit her and I'm hoping this will happen with your husband. Maybe once he gets on a regulated form of meds, he'll be able to see the picture more clearly. I'm terribly sorry you're going through this.

Thank you all for your encouragement. It really does help. I just got home from my first NAMI meeting which was also helpful. Although everyone I’ve come in contact with has been very supportive & caring, there aren’t many who are dealing with their spouses’ new found mental illness.

I am so dreading tomorrow. I wish my husband didn’t have to be there when I testify. I know this is going to hurt him so much. I am trying to pull myself together & focus on the fact that I have got to do this for his betterment. I love him way to much to not do this. I just hope that at some point he will see that.

Rose, Chickadee & Dianne, thank you for your prayers. I believe I have found some caring people here in the "www". I am glad to hear that you aunt was accepting of your uncle. That gives my a ray of hope.

Browser57, I so understand your feelings of helplessness. Our hansds are tied whie our hearts ache. My husband, Honey , also deals with addition. He even talks about how & where he will get some when he gets out. (I found & threw his stash away.) I fear that once Honey gets out that he will stop taking his meds. Then we will be at square one again. Well, I'll add you & yours to my prayers.

Swimette, I have found a few websites that have biplor forums. A good one is MSN Health & Fitness, there is a mental health page with a forum for bipolar. Even Dr. Phil has a message board for bipolor. It's a real learning curve - but I find it amazing how many people are dealing with it.

Court was difficult but I made it through. Honey looked good. Although he still doesn’t want me to come see him, he did give me a hug & kiss bye. That has brightened my whole day. The judge declared that he isn’t a danger to himself or others but did declare him “seriously & permanently disabled/mentally ill.” He is court ordered to have inpatient or outpatient mental health & Rx treatment for 1 year. How long he will be kept inpatient is up to Honey & the doctors. I think he’ll be home in about a week or so.

I know our journey has just begun but I’m glad this part is over. Thank you for your prayers, they’ve really helped. I keep singing that old hymn, “And He walks with me & He talks with me….. “ I know God & his angles are about us.

Swimette isn't it difficult to have a person committed? I mean legally. Doesn't someone has to be a danger to themselves and others? I am totally unfamiliar with this so have no real advice. My new grandaughter-in-law is bi-polar and when off her meds she is combative to my grandson and hits him and screams thatbnhe should hit her so she can nhave him marrested. She has really scratched and slapped him silly before he can leave the house. He could not or would never hit her. I feel so sorry for anyone not able to control themselves. I will say to you that althought your husband can't understand it now you are being brave, you are helping him, you are his guardian angel. I hope and will pray that all goes well for you both. Please don't cut yourself off from those who love you, you need your friends now more than ever..

swim, one day at a time. Have you visited www.bipolarhappens.com? You might want to visit that site. I believe the gal who hosts it ahs written a book for caregivers to better understand the disease. Hope this helps.

Honey was committed originally under a danger to others.We had to be careful about how he is ordered to stay inpatient because of the FBI's involvment. This is why the court deemed him seriously mentally ill instead of a danger. He had intentions of destroying a chemical plant.
I'm about to go see him now & bring him some goodies from home. Then it's off to work. I'm trying to take this one day at a time. But I must say, I can't help but worry about what the future has in store.
Thank you all for your continued support & prayers.

You are being way too hard on yourself. He is ill and he won't be rational to you at all times. Trust in the Lord for the strength you need. Take baby steps, you have not gone down this road before. Don't expect that he will not forgive you, he is too sick to comprehend his actions. Love him, do what is best for both of you and trust yourself. When he is better, you can explain if you feel the need to.No one said life was fair. Pray that he will get better, then trust in the father to help you along this path and remember you are never alone.I will pray for you both. I had a husband who had some problems and I tried to "fix" everything for him. He came through it alot better than I did. I also was way too hard on myself, blaming myself. No one ever told me that I was not resposible for everything that happened.

Swimette;

I agree. You are too hard on yourself. You cannot blame yourself or feel bad because things you say might be hurting your husband's feelings. You are practicing tough love and he will recognize that when he is healthier. Don't take personally what he says or does now because he's not himself. I'm bipolar and I look back at things I said and did when I was without medication, and I can't believe it. I see now that I was totally irrational and no one could reason with me. I thought everyone was out to get me and I took everything the wrong way; so your husband's feeling are likely to be hurt no matter WHAT you do or say.

I simple was UNABLE to think logically and your husband isn't able to either. He NEEDS you to stick to your guns and insist that he get the help he needs. You're doing the right thing by making sure he gets treatment -- and also in letting him know that you love him. That's the thing he'll remember when he's better -- that you stuck by him and continued to love him no matter what.

I'll be praying for you both and I wish you the best.

Marsha
www.hugsandhope.org/pb.htm

I’ve never had (or thought I had) to question Honey’s honesty. I mean when he would talk about things which were unconceivable but he never, for lack of a better word, lied. Now he is telling me one thing & his social worker & doctors something else & then another variation to family. He just doesn’t tell me or want to discuss his day. Nothing about his meds, counseling, nothing. I know that sometimes the meds will make you forgetful but this just seems different.
How long did it take for you/spouse/child to understand or admit you were bipolar? He has been inpatient for 3 weeks now & he hasn’t changed. I am so worried that he will have to hit bottom hard before he will accept his illness.
I just miss him soooooooo much! I cry every time I let my guard down. If I stay busy enough, I don’t have time to feel. I don’t dare go to bed until I am stumbling tired. I just want to be able to lie down & go right to sleep. I miss his being there. I don’t think he has any idea how bad my heart breaks every time I come home to this empty house. I feel for him & he having to be in a hospital but I wonder if he thinks of how I am doing. Does that sound selfish? I don’t want to sound like “woe’s me.”

swimette, are you seeking professional help? This is such a traumatic time for you. I pray soemone helps you understand that what you are going through is normal. Of course you are not selfish. My gracious.

Have you been to www.bipolarhappens.com? YOu may want to visit that site.

Honey, I don't think he's able to think clearly enough at this stage to think about how this is affecting you.

I just want you to know how terribly sorry I am that both of you are going through this and my heart breaks on your behalf. You have a lot of women here praying for you so try to stay strong. He's getting the help he needs.

God's speed.

[ June 16, 2006, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Dear Swimette: I am sorry for your pain and all you're going through. I will add you both to my prayer list. Please know that this is somthing you need to take one moment at a time.

Remember that God is always near, ever reaching to see us through.

I understand this is a very difficult and delicate situation. But do not be afraid to stay the course. It will prove beneficial for all.

Do take care of yourself, as you need your health and strength to deal with this. Your feelings are normal. Trust that when this is over, you will have no regrets for making the right decisions.

May God shine his grace on you and your Honey today and each day!

Wow, I haven't been on here for a while. I've been so busy with everything lately. I'M TIRED!!! Swimette I know exactly what your going through. Hang in there!!! We didn't know my husband was Bipolar until after his second hospital stay. Then he went off his meds and had a third hospital stay. Now he knows he has to be committed to staying on his meds and seeing his Pyschiatrist and Psychologist on a regular basis. I had to call and have him committed two of those three times and it was a NIGHTMARE to say the least. We have been down that long hard road but we are finally getting back on track. THANK YOU JESUS!!!! I am very fortunate that my husband is very easy going and loving. He has never wanted to leave me. I had to educate the both of us on what Bipolar Disorder is. I now teach the NAMI Family-to Family class and have a support group that meets twice a month. It sure helps. Learn all you can!!!! I'll be praying for you...

mamma, I am so glad to hear the meds are working well and both of you are doing better. I bet you're a dynamite teacher and tremendous support for the families since you've been there, done that.

swimette, how's your hubby doing these days?

Swimette, As a professional who has signed the initial involuntary commitment papers dozens and dozens of times and followed the outcomes, my only recommendation for you at this time is to seek your own professional counseling or take the advice of other forum members and attend NAMI meetings or use the online resources. When I make the decision about an initial commitment, I am bound by the laws of my state as are the professionals who extend such involuntary holds after the patient reaches the hospital. I can assure you that persons who need to be committed are either so ill or so self-focused that they are UNABLE to consider the feelings or the consequences of their loved ones. The longer a hold is extended, the more serious the illness. Taking care of your own emotional needs at this time is primary. If your husband can simply be compliant with treatment recommendations, that will be a victory for him. My best to you.

swimmette, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I see you started all this several months ago so I pray you are coping and keeping yourself healthy.

You are not alone. A couple of years ago, I walked through this with a friend. She was already dealing with her own issues including Multiple personality disorder, Post traumatic stress relating to childhood sexual abuse, Diabetes and Bulemia.

About the time she came out of 6 weeks of treatment out of state, his first manic episode was coming into full swing. He drove her over the edge again. She was trying to escape him and get to another out of state facility when he got her sister to bring her back to him at a local hospital. He admitted her to the psych unit and abandoned her there for 5 days. Her luggage was still on the airplane they took her off of so I bought new clothes and brought them to her.

After the 5 days, he picked her up and took her to their daughters in another city. By that time, they had arranged to trick him to the ER and had HIM admitted.

She lost reality completely and had no place to go because none of this was in the same city as her therapist. I brought her home with me where she stayed for 4 months.

That allowed his sister and their daughters to begin to deal with him. He was hospitalized twice, went through the hearing and all like you are with your dh. He remains on his meds and is just a notch slower than normal.

Now his doc is trying to reduce his meds and she is scared to death that he might become manic again. She is still seeing her therapist 3 times a week.

It is so, so sad, and so frustrating for everyone who loves them. They are both beautiful souls, but so messed up.

One of the most frustrating things those of us trying to help them dealt with was the privacy law. Both of them were in treatment but no one could really coordinate their care because no one was allowed to talk to anyone else about their treatment and care.

I dealt with issues that worried me by faxing letters to her therapist and he would deal with my concerns in sessions with her. She was in flashback therapy and would be in her other personalities when I picked her up and I would basically continue her sessions for an hour or several hours at home.

I can sympathize with what you are going through. It is so very difficult to keep yourself healthy and separated from the illness when you live with it. I pray for you and wish you peace and better times in the future.

flipperjo

flipperjo, you are a remarkable friend. How is your friend today?

Also sent swimmette a private message telling her we were thinking of, and praying for her.

It seems anyone thats suffered sexual abuse as a child whether a man or woman, has issues haunting them all of their lives, causing problem after problem and that is inexcusable and so frustrating. I see it again and again here and everywhere around us.

Dotsie, it is hard to say how she is - her mental illness is so pervasive in her life. I still have conversations with what I know to be her "others", but I no longer acknowledge "them" while we speak. I have mixed feelings about the whole MPD diagnosis. She is on a huge cocktail of 'anti-just about everything' drugs.

Her daughter recently had a baby. Shortly before the birth, she told my friend that she could only be around the baby as herself - her "others" were not to be present around the baby. My friend was upset by this, but she has put so many limitations on her own mother's participation in her life, it was kind of a case of 'full circle'.

She is functioning quite well, still in flashback therapy 3 times a week. I can always tell when she is still in the flashback after having her here for those months.

It can be really freaky having conversations with multiple persons all coming out of the same mouth. Each one has distinct facial expressions, handwriting and mannerisms. One of "them" actually stole my car once. "They" returned to her own home once and had a tea party (table was set for at least 4) before returning to me and several of "them" telling me about it.

This all took a lot of concentration and energy to deal with. There were nights I had to curl up with her, holding her in my arms like a child, to get her to sleep. The child in her was afraid of her dead father finding her.

My dh and sons were angels through it all. This all happened right at the beginning of harvest, so I was unable to run the machines as much as I would have normally. There were several times I HAD to swath or combine and had to take her with me like a child because I couldn't leave her alone.

Once when I told my cousin, a retired mental health professional, that it often seemed as though she wanted to just crawl under my skin and be me. He said, "No, it is your womb she wants to be in." That kind of scared me and creeped me out for a while.

I look back and still can't see an alternative for her at the time. As a result, she and I have a depth to our friendship that happens rarely in a person's lifetime. She has a heart of gold beneath all the layers of illness. My deepest wish for her is to be able to put it all behind her and live in the day but realistically, I just don't see that happening.

Chatty, I would dearly love to personally strangle all those who caused this brutal hell that she lives in!

flipperjo and chatty, don't you wonder why some people have to suffer so much? I do.

Going to therapy three times a week is exhausting in itself. Again, she is so lucky ot have a dedicated friend like you.