Beloved Bipolar Friend

On June 19th, a dear friend died of a drug overdose. He was diagnosed as bipolar some time ago. Of course, as with most people diagnosed with such a mental illness, he was in denial for a long while. During his manic stages, he was the liveliest person you'd ever want to meet, especially to those that does not know him.

Typically, when he was down, he sure was in the gutter. Since he wouldn't take his meds properly, he was constantly up and down.

A month before he passed, he stayed here with me so I was able to get a real, upclose view of how this effects them. It was so sad. We would be sitting in the kitchen or where ever, laughing and talking and suddenly, he'd be extremely sad, sometimes with tears.

In just the four days that he was here, I felt such sorrow for the families and especially the spouses of bipolars that wont get therapy or pharma-therapy.

I loved him as a friend but he'd been my lover so I mourn his death from several perspectives. At first I felt a sense of guilt and then sorrow and then I felt the lost of a lost friend.

Most of my tears came from thinking about how it must have felt for such an intelligent man to have to suffer so, not knowing what to do and denying himself the ability to admit that he had a real, serious, obviously, deadly problem.

No one could tell him anything in either state. When he was sad/manic he was too extreme to hear what was good for him. I've heard this but it never really hit home until he died while in one of those states after having spent time around him.

Im am sorry for your loss, Sugaree. I know a little bit about bipolar; my son was diagnosed last December. He has suffered two bouts of mania (that we know of - he's lived on his own for nearly 10 years) and 2 devastating bouts of depression. Right now, he is financially ruined, been out of work for months - but is getting better. He is uninsured and also in denial about medication, even after a hospitalization in the midst of his last manic episode.

The mind is truly a mystery. I look back at his adolescence and see now there were signs of moodiness - but never dreamed that it would turn into this. The first eiposde of mania was so bizarre that we were sure he was on drugs. My son kept telling us that he was not using - DH took him for testing. He was drug free.

Today, he's actually doing quite well - and looking for work again. He had to move back home (which was a huge blow to his ego) but he had no alternative. I pray every night that he doesn't relapse back into hell again.

Oh, Browser, my prayers are with you, especially since this is your son. Ulysses was a friend, however dear, no comparison to the love a parent has for a son/child.

The reason that Ulysses was here with me was such a blow to his mind that he was only here for a week. He mingled with my neighbors and friends as they came and went. His mania would take over at times and I'd be there to stare him back into a bit of a submission considering we'd spoken about his manic symptoms prior. Well, this desease is so sneaky that it makes them believe that they can 'out smart' everyone. They'll have people laughing and so charmed that everyone in their path leaves in glee.

It's so sad that 'we' can see what's happening to them in a matter of seconds. The matter with this issue is that we never know kind of 'games' their manic selves are playing and so we become leiry of them, their behaviors and tend to turn away and leave them.

Oh, this is so, so sad.

Sug and Browser, I'm so sorry that both of you have dealt with this and Sug, lost a dear friend.

I had a girlfriend who suffered with this and it was a difficult friendship. I spent many late nights on the phone as I tried to talk her down or up but it did no good, as you know. The smallest, most trivial things would put her into a tailspin. She even physically attacked me once.

She dumped me as a friend because I married David. Came to the wedding but would glare at me. She told me she couldn't understand why I had found a man and she hadn't. How do you answer that? She never spoke to me again after the wedding.

Have you read Danelle Steels (sp) book about her son who suffered from this and overdosed and died? It really gives insight into what these poor souls are going through and you understand why they commit suicide. It also shows how it can tear a family apart. She and her husband divorced because when her son was having an episode, whether she was on tour or what, she'd run home to help him and her husband couldn't deal with the disruption in their marriage. Just so very sad. And, her son was just beautiful. Looked like a male model but his poor little mind was so sick.

It has been one heck of a learning curve for us, but I am hopeful. It's funny that today, bipolar is such a common thing. It's always been around, only dealt with so differently. Many people today manage it and control it pretty successfully. But, there is always that worry about the next event.

Thankfully, my son is not into the rapid cycling that Sug's friend apparently was. That had to be very freightening. But, living through a manic phase (my son's lasted for nearly a month) is about as stressfull as it can get.

Sug, was your friend manic or depressed when he overdosed? My son drinks during both phases (which is common) and I worried that he would just not answer the phone one day. Now that he is under my roof again, I try to keep healthy food in the house, he's riding his bike and roller blading a lot - he appears to be sleeping again (another thing that they don't get much of when in an episode.) But, his self esteem in still in short supply. Hopefully, he can get back to work (but will the pressures get to him again?) It's such a worry.

Sug, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

Browser, living with a child no matter what age who has BP, is difficult, but if they're taking their medications it's manageable. Does you son take his medications? Does he see a doctor who can prescribe meds?

I haven't made it a secret that I'm BP. I've been officially diagnosed for about 4 years now, but I'm sure I've been BP since I was a teenager.

I've found a wonderful doctor who listens to me and knows me so well that he can tell sometimes before I can if I need a med change. So far, we've been on a good streak. I am stable, I'm able to write, and I'm functioning. All important things for a BP person. I make little goals for myself, so I can feel good about my accomplishments. If a task seems too daunting, I break it down into little tasks, so that I can do one step at a time. Sometimes, just seeing how much is ahead of a person, can make them depressed. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who helps me see only parts of what's ahead of me, instead of the whole big picture. That way, I can find little successes along the way and keep my self esteem up.

I wish you success with your son and I hope he receives the treatment he deserves. There's a good magazine out called BP. http://www.bphope.com/ This month's issue is especially relevant. It interviewed hundreds of BP people and wrote about 6 of them who are "just like us".

So often, we think we're alone in our pain, but we're not. We need to find support. If not in our medical community, than in our private community. There are online groups as well that provide support for it's members. Just google "bipolar support groups" and you'll find tons of information.

Vicky - thanks for the magazine tip. It looks wonderful - I've bookmarked it and will read them all this weekend.

My son is in denial. We had to have him picked up last winter after he had walked home from a bar (over 20 miles) in shirtsleeves in 15 degree weather. He refused to see a doctor - so we had to have the police pick him up. It was such a horrible ordeal - I will go to my grave with guilt over that. He was not a threat to anyone - but himself. He was put on Abilify and did well. Once out - he stopped seeing the therapist but continued meds for awhile. I'm not sure when he stopped. He went into a depression about March.

He is (29)unemployed and uninsured. Been on his own since he was 19. He listens to everything I say, but I cannot force him to do anything. He needs someone to talk to - but didn't like the therapist he was assigned.

Thanks for your understanding.

Girls,
I read every word and I want you to know I think you are all very brave and so full of compassion for one another.

Without you even knowing it, you're probably giving much hope to people who lurk around this forum and to members who just can't bear to share that part of their lives.

Sug, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know your grief feels unbearable! I will be praying for peace and understanding for your heart. And for you and your son Browser. My God step in and help your precious son!

JJ

I worry about my Grandsons new wife who is bipolar and stops taking her medication from time to time and when she does she goes balistic, hits him, shoves him and tries to get him to hit her so she can call the police. Its so sad because he is such a kind, gentle, loving and supportive young man. I don't see anything good coming from all this either. She is a real pretty little thing but like a Jekyl and Hyde when not on her meds.

I don't usually talk about it because I notice people around me tend to "look for signs" or attribute any unexplainable action to it, but I am bi-polar. I was diagnosed over 15 years ago. Somehow just knowing what the problem is has helped tremendously. The major change I have made in my life is to keep everything routine. That truly is the key for me. No surprises to deal with makes a really good day. That, and regular sleep. A bi-polar without sleep is not a healthy situation. When you are in a manic phase you really never get sleepy. You don't need sleep and you actually have no patience with mere mortals who require it....my poor husband. I just want to close with the point that my life is very good and happy. It's an illness and although you can't always take care of yourself, you try and accept it and manage your illness in the same way everyone else manages whatever was thrown their way. We do depend on friends and family more than most people do. This is true even when we are pushing you away and abusive to you. The people put in our lives are angels and I love each one of mine with a passion.

I think it's very brave of you to open up here about this. The more people who do that, the less of a mystery and fear regarding it.

I wanted to ask what you do when life throws the unexpected at you--the stressers? Have you found a way to help yourself during those times?

Add my hugs to the bunch, Old Knitter. I think you are being so unselfish by opening up and giving of yourself with this post. It's people like you that I admire the most!

JJ

Okay, ladies, I was online looking for a bi-polar forum and decided that I should come back here where I "know" some folks. Sometimes, though, it's scarier to reveal yourself to those you know than to strangers.

At any rate, I've been diagnosed as bi-polar. There I said it. Ew. I hate those words.

I didn't believe it at first. But after doing a lot of online research, I guess I have to admit that I do fit the profile. Facing the fact that this is what I'm dealing with will make things easier, I suppose; although right now it isn't very easy.

My doctor prescribed one drug which helped right away, but then it seemed to stop working, so he added a second which didn't help and now I'm taking three drugs. This is so discouraging. I fear that, at this rate, I will be on every drug known to man eventually.

My doctor claims that most bi-polar people take a minimum of six medications. Grrrrreat. I know now why so many bipolar folks are in denial. We don't want to accept the fact that we cannot control our own minds and that we will need more and more drugs just to hang on to reality. It's very scary business. I would appreciate talking to others who have been where I am.

I was doing wonderfully early this week; but when some small insignificant thing disappointed me, I went into a nose dive and got so depressed that I wasn't able to get out of bed for two days. I HATE being this way, but it's so hard to make myself do what I need to do, in spite of feeling bad. And I get upset with myself that such a small thing can cause me to despair.

The mind is so complex. I wish we knew more about illnesses of this sort. But I guess we can be grateful for how far medical science has come in the past decade or two. My husband's grandmother was bipolar and lived in an insitution most of her life. Every time I saw her, she was a sweet, gentle lady. I could not imagine her being anything else . . . It's so unfair that illnesses of this sort can turn people into the exact opposite of who they really are. But I guess NO illness is fair, is it now?

After reading about the propensity for bi-polars to overdose, I can't help but wonder if it's more by accident than intentionally? I have a friend who died that way -- beautiful, sweet lady. People insist that she did it on purpose, but I don't believe she did. I don't know whether she forgot she'd taken her medication and doubled up on it, or drank with it or maybe her doctor had overmedicated her.

I have another friend who is definitely overmedicated. She's like a zombie. No wonder it's such a frightening illness. You look around and see all the things you pray will not happen to you, but you have no way of knowing what the future holds.

I guess, just like so many things, all we can do is take one day at a time . . .

mmellow, there have been several women in here with the same diagnosis. I hope they see the post and jump in.

I think the most important thing for you right now is to keep a medicine/mood journal and keep reporting to your doctor. I have a friend who is bipolar and she take Lithium and that's it. But I recall it took some time before they figured that out. Please be patient and keep communicating with your doctor and loved one. Hopefully, before olng, you will get the medication right and be able to carry on without your disease being your constant center of attention. I'll pray it happens sooner rather than later for you.

My dearest friend Mellow...you've come to the right place. We love you and will be here to listen. Dotsie is right, there are many brave women on here such as yourself who will gladly share, I just know it. They are special people, just like you, and give unselfishly of themselves to make the handling of this disease somewhat more bearable. At least this is what they tell me. I've had some of them say that just knowing they are not alone, and that others will not judge them, but stick by them, is one of the biggest lifelines for them. It has saved them, time and again.

For anyone wanting to get to know Mellow, DO IT! I know her via cyberspace and telephone wires and I'm stating right now that I couldn't feel any closer to her if she lived next door and we shared grits recipes. She is a doll, just a doll...and smart as a whip too. No, she's not as cute as me, but darn near it. I have been blessed by her friendship, same as I have by all of yours.

This forum is built on love, compassion, and understanding. And as others have said more beautifully than I could ever do, it is a woman's haven for rest, comfort, and friendship.

Sharing of yourselves, like you've done here, is performing an act of kindness while some of you don't even realize it. You're reaching out to women who have some of the same things as you do but are lurking and afraid. You are essentially saying, ...It's okay, in here you are loved, comforted, and blessed. Come on in. Let's do this together ...

Hello Mellow. Yes. Do take the advice of JJ and all the wonderful people here. I'm still trying to deal with what, if anything, I could have done to make my beloved friend's life better knowing of his diagnosis. A larger part of me tells me that I couldn't have but did I really try like I am trying so hard now, post his death.

What I've done now is to attempt to help a cousin that has been diagnosed. I'd pushed her away because of all the drama that she brings not really recognizing that her behavior is due to her illness. It seems a though she's pull me in with her manipulative ways. I also handled my beloved friend with a long handled spoon selfishly trying to protect me not trying to understand him.

One thing that I noticed that's pretty universal with this diagnosis is that it is very hard for people with this disorder is to take advice. Can you help me with this? Can you tell me why? If that's not your case, can you tell me what's different in you? Maybe I can help my cousin before she does something that can end her life as well.

Peace be unto you

I always worry about doctors over medicating their patients. The patient is scared, helpless and seeking help. I blame a doctor for my uncle's suicide.

My heart goes out to those suffering from this. It really does. I hope you find support on this site.

Dianne, you're right. The patients are scared and almost helpless. I know from my own bouts with 'doctors' that this is possible. A few friends and family members speak of the days when I so desperately depended on doctors to help me through my mental turmoil. They all reported that I was 'zoombie like'.

One friend and a family member took the initiative to call the doctor on my behalf since I was so incoherent during the psycho-pharma treatment that I 'could not' speak for myself. It took a while to really come out of that cloud I'd allowed them to put me in while trusting that they were the experts.

I haven't taken anything since, even when I feel like I need to, due to that experience.

I really feel for the patients that don't have anyone to speak for them. I really feel for the ones that need it and don't take it either because it stabilizes them too much and they've grown accustomed to their behavior and feel it's 'too boring' to be stable.

How are you these days? What's working for you or not?

As a professional therapist who has treated hundreds of bipolar patients (in conjunction with the psychiatrists who prescribe their medications), I've seen all of the struggles, which all of you so poignantly described, with being bipolar and being the friend or relative of someone diagnosed with the disease. Many communities have bipolar support groups for patients and families. Most psychiatrists welcome family members, if the patient agrees, to sit in on medication evaluations. Therapists can be the target of the same mood swings, hostile attitudes, and noncompliance that family members experience. Sometimes providing treatment to the family member is the only means of helping. It is a baffling and powerful disorder. New, more effective, and safer medications are being developed all the time. The issue is still about how to engage the bipolar sufferer in ongoing treatment so that they can work through finding the most effective medication and staying on it. Forums such as this one and ones specifically for bipolar sufferers and family members can be very helpful. At least you know you are not alone. My best to all of you.