Three Grandmas

If your kids had three grandmothers (me being the "odd one out"), how did you explain it to them when they were very small, if they asked.

Di,

My kids DID have three grandmothers:
One each from their birth father's parents, Steve's parents, and MY parents.

But it got much more complicated than that:

MY parents divorced when I was pregnant with my son, so they've been through TWO new step-grandmas who were married to "Grandpa Rolf," and one new step-grandpa when my mother eventually remarried.

NOT TO MENTION that Steve's mother died a year after we were married, and Grandpa Jim remarried. Arletta, his second wife - and now his widow - is only slightly older than I am - and she's Black.

It's all worked out fine. We just explained things as they happened. some of the "ex's" have disappeared from our lives, but not all of them.

There was a full table of grandparents at our daughter's wedding reception. If I recall correctly, Jen was represented by FOUR grandmothers - and one grandfather...

Just go with the flow. Kids aren't judgmental about things like that. (When they were young, my kids just saw it as more opportunities for presents at birthdays...)

I got confused just reading that, Anne. But love the idea of
more birthday cake!

I might add: I had 3 mothers!

Sounds like quite a FAMILY TREE you have there Anne.

I agree about Anne's family tree, very interesting.

I don't think small children have any idea how many grandparents they're 'supposed' to have. You're not the odd one out unless you choose to define yourself that way. There are so many families in circumstances like yours that 'extra' grandparents are the norm. My own grandkids have three grandmas; the kids all know of us as Grandma Firstname. Just tell the truth. They're lucky to have all their grandparents.

yes, I imagine when they are older, they'll soon learn about divorce etc. So many of their peers, nowadays, have divorced parents.

Incidentally, one of the grandmas is 80, so there is a chance they'll be down to 2 before they are old enough to really question.

My kids learned about divorce in day care -- well before they went to school. I used a home-based daycare run by a woman in the neighborhood, so it was a small group. Regardless, there were several children with divorced parents.

The kids took it all in stride and just seemed to think it was normal.

When Bill and I divorced, Jen was 5 and Zach 2. I was very concerned about having to tell them we were separating, and the marriage counselor assured me that a 2 year old would not need to be told. That he wouldn't notice.

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! He did notice.

One incident that will live with me forever happened when I was trying to put Zach down for a nap shortly after we'd separated. He wouldn't stay down, until I finally agreed to nap with him, and we both settled down on my bed.

I of course, intended to get up as soon as he was asleep. Over the course of the nap, he kept stealthily moving closer to me, until he managed to stick one leg out so that it touched my thigh. This was his security alert.

As long as I stayed put, he was able to sleep. But once I moved away from him, the nap was over.

Too many "experts" think small children don't notice upsets with the family. I can testify, "they notice."

Interesting Ann. My granddaughter does the same thing when she stays overnight at our house. I never thought that her parents divorce could be the reason,...but maybe so.

Oh, they notice.

All I know Edelweiss, is that before our separation, I never had any trouble with getting him to nap by himself. This was totally new behavior that appeared after the separation.

Another similar incident happened when their Dad dropped them off at my father's house during the Christmas holiday, where I was waiting to start my celebration with them... (That year he got them for the days up to the 25th, I got them afterward. The plan was that the parent who got them for Christmas was to be traded off annually...)

Driving home that night, I stopped at a family friend's home for several hours, and ended up getting back in the car for the last leg of the trip about 8 PM. As the kids had been playing with old friends all day, I figured they would sleep the whole trip home.

Jen did, but Zach remained alert in his car seat the entire 2.5 hour trip home. Which was great because I stopped at a Hardee's restaurant to use the restroom at one point, and ended up making a wrong turn out of the parking lot - such that I was heading back North he way I'd come, instead of South.

Zach actually alerted me to the error before I got to far -- he saw a McDonald's and hollered out that he wanted to stop. I realized there should NOT be a McDonald's on the highway going home. So I had to thank him profusely for saving me from driving who knows how long in the wrong direction!!

Young kids are smarter than we tend to give them credit for - I think we tend to misjudge them because they're not yet verbal on an adult level -- and they DO know what is going on.

Anne you say
Young kids are smarter than we tend to give them credit for

In the early stages.. nurturing is programmed into an infant.
The hugs the wrapping warmly and as the weeks go by how the baby fits into the birth family..its survival mode

Much damage is done when nurturing is not given...and a baby who does not cry or express their needs may be one whose needs are not being met..and they can give up.

The message is...dont exist...
this is an extreme example I know but I was taught this treatment for the baby can bring mental health issues later..
so medics are alerted for post natal depression happening..

so the child who reaches for reassurance is a smart child.

Thanks for sharing that information, Mountain Ash.

I hadn't thought of it that way, but I know you are correct based on the courses I took in child development while in college.

I'm proud of how both kids turned out. Steve, Bill and I worked hard to co-parent in a positive way. Since we had joint custody during the time Bill was alive, we made sure we talked a couple of times a week to be sure we three parents always knew what was going on in their lives. And, all three of us went together to parent teacher conferences, etc., and we made sure that in spite of Bill's and my differences, we never said negative things about each other in front of the kids.

Probably the hardest day in Steve's and my life was the day we had to tell the kids, then aged 12 and 9, that Bill had died.

It was during the first week of January, and at Christmas time he had been well enough to DRIVE them to visit his parents. So they -- and we -- were taken by surprise at how fast his health deteriorated at the end. (We took them regularly to the hospital to see him but the evening he died we had not brought them, at the request of his nurses, who said he'd had a bad day, but that he'd be better again by the next day.)

Oh my! Let's get this conversation back to the joys of having three grandmas...

There is also a school of thought that the bonds older children make at school with teachers can influence the emotional thoughts of a developing child.which may influence academic achievment.

Mountain Ash, I found your first post really comforting. I have been so worried about my granddaughter. Her heart strings are under a perpetual tug of war. But one thing is for certain, she is loved, and she is nutured...so maybe not all is lost.

I have shared your Grandchild a little bit...and be assured she is a winner.
its the ignored... left alone...made to feel a nusiance little ones who needs extra support.
Later in life if this attatchment stage has not been developed the grown child finds relationships of all kinds difficult..and may even cause the issue to go on to a new generation.

I watched a Grandmother is the waiting room of a hospital this morning..she held...had eye contact and was devoted to a tiny wee baby.This topping up of love...IS so beneficial.
You have shared and done all that and more within your family.
Material goods cant substitute...so its something money cant buy...

MA, I forwarded this information on to my son. I think he will find comfort in it.

Please all, send positive thoughts and prayers that the best decision will be made for our little grandchild. I can't see in the future. I hate the thought that she may grow up without her mother, but the mother leaves my son no choice. either he wins custody or he loses his child completely.

I suppose insecurity surfaces in many different forms.

"Give me the child until he/she is seven and I will give you the man/woman"

childhood is so brief...with so much importance.
EW you gave A. so much and will continue to do do..look at her face...she is fine

Edelweiss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family in this situation.

I remember how I felt when I figured out that my first marriage was not going to be able to be saved, and through recalling those feelings, my heart aches for your son.

I made sure that we had joint custody so that my kids could grow up knowing both parents. But that DID mean I had to pass on a couple of great jobs that would have required me to leave the community we had been living in. To put it mildly, that was very hard.

But, to use the phrase I have recently learned, I knew that I had to "put on my big girl panties" and give up on the out-of-state jobs because my children's OVERALL welfare was SOOO MUCH more important to me than was my short term financial security.

I pray that your DIL figures this out as well.

Thank you Anne. I pray that she will figure it out too.

I tried to respond to this thread a few days ago, but the connection here in the campground comes and goes. My reply
disappeared with the wind. MA said give her a child til they're
7 and she'll show you the resulting adult. I think she's right!

Give me a child until he is seven...
.. and I will show you the man.


That maxim is attributed to the Jesuits, and some say it was specifically attributed to the founder of the Jesuits, Ignatius Loyola.

MA
For what it's worth, I agree with the Loyola wisdom!

What is the situation now, Edelweiss re your granddaughter?

With best wishes. I think of course, she benefits from knowing 2 birth parents, unless a parent is physically abusive.

The reality is that the child is noticeably part black, and in my opinion, I would not believe complete cut off is beneficial at all. I think she will miss a segment of her self-identity when she gets into her teens and later.

I'm saying this since my sister has died last year, her (biracial) children have joined in some family events with my family here and there. I think it's very important ...even when the children are now adults.

I am so glad we know well, niece and nephew from babyhood onward.