Are you caring for an aging parent?

When I was 49 the true meaning of sandwhich generation hit me hard. I had children who were just stepping out on their own and all of a sudden my father was someone I did not know. His dementia and the next six years took on the look of a life that did not resemble the one I had been living. I wonder if many of you have found yourself in the role of Alzheimer's care giver?

Indeed - I think you will find several of us here who have been involved in caring for someone with Alzheimers. In the "Welcome" section I just mentioned that my Mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimers and my brother, sister and I tried to care for her outside of the nursing home atmosphere as long as we possibly could. She did wind up there eventually due to the level of care she required but it certainly is a terribly sad and rocky road. I know she's at peace now - unfettered by the limitations that dementia put on her charming and loving "pre-disease" spirit. That gives ME a tremendous sense of peace.

Been there, done that, still caught in it. Definitely going to get your book!

The delivery time is running 4-6 weeks but that will re revised VERY soon. It should be available on a 24 hour turn around within a few weeks. I hope you will both come by the Ask Dutchy web site. There are some folks there who are in the trenches and could really use some advice and support. I should have called myself fiftyfiveandfine LOL

Deb,
I too have joined this group. My mother was diagnosed with Dementia, we moved her closer to us and eventually into a group home, nursing home. She passed away in 2002.
Yes, it is a hard road to follow.
Maggie

Deb, see my post in the Welcome section too. I could go on and on about my 7 years as caregiver to my Daddy. Lewy-Body Dementia. Even now I feel the scars it left behind.

JJ

My journey of caring for parents covered a five year period. Four of them were from out-of-state. Mother began showing signs of dementia about 8 years ago. My Dad really had his hands full but would never ask for help. As the level of dementia increased - it became apparent that they needed help. We hired a 'cleaning lady' who was actually a nurse assistant in disguise. After months of pleading, he finally allowed her to do a little laundry on occasion. Mother hated his 'other woman' that was interfering in her business - she berated the poor lady accusing her of 'shrinking'her clothes! But, at least there were another set of eyes checking on them every week, keeping me informed as things changed.

After a year of stability of sorts, Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. After nursing her back to health for over a month (I was living in TN at the time) I had to either get them in assisted living or line up more in-home care. Dad insisted that he wanted to stay at home. We hired in-home caregivers on a 4-hour a day basis; and that gave us another period of stability for about a year. Then Dad had a heart attack. He recovered nicely, but things really started downhill from then on. We decided to move back to MI in the spring of '03. Mother's condition was quickly advancing into some anger/agitation stages. It was getting ugly and I was about ready to pull my hair out. Then, Mother had a stoke last October. We immediately went from needing a little help to 24/7 help.

She was completely unable to walk, talk or swallow properly. She needed total nursing care. Our caregivers stayed on - caring for both of them. Thank God that Dad could afford it and he did stay in his home until his passing on Easter Sunday. By then, mother was on hospice care also. Another blessing, ironically, her alzheiemer's was so progressed that she never knew the love of her life was gone.

I could go on and on with the not so pleasant details of the remaining 5 months - but anyone going through this knows exactly what it was like. Mother finally passed away peacefully in her sleep last Sunday. I'm still dealing with a multitude of feelings ranging from guilt to sheer relief. Ive been in such a state of worry for so long that it will take some time for me to move on with my life - without having to put their needs first. Dare we take a vacation? Plan our retirement somewhere other than near them. The light at the end of the tunnel has finally arrived. It's taken a toll on all of us (DH, my kids - everyone.)I hope that I can find a way to assure that my kids do not have to go through this with us. Maybe some day someone will take elder care seriously. We don't need another war - we've got enough problems within that will take billions of dollars to fix, but it's got to be done. Sorry for the rant - got a lot of pent up emotion I guess.

Don't worry about ranting...it's exactly what you need to do - let it all out. Of course you have a lot of pent up emotion - look at all you have dealt with all these years. It's a difficult time after you've lost a parent that you've had to care for so intensely because it truly is hard to think of their passing as "the best thing" - it's your PARENT after all. On top of dementia issues you had to deal with their other health issues, including heart attack and cancer - WAY more than most people can even fathom. I my mother's case, she had few other health issues than the Alzheimers.

I don't have children but I do understand how hard it must be to imagine THEM having to take care of YOU some day...in my case, with no kids or other family who might step in, my husband and I have tried to address that possibility proactively. We have long-term care insurance and a "plan" for assisted living or nursing home care if - and/or when - it is needed.

I can remember WAY WAY back when I was in my 20s that aging and the associated problems just seemed like something I'd never have to address - AHHHH the naivite' of youth!! Well, now that I'm in my late 50s that "time" is fast approaching and having gone through losing both parents - particularly my Mom through Alzheimers - is certainly bringing it "close to home"......

Elder care is a serious issue - and now that some of us Boomers are knocking on the door to our later years, there's a WHOLE lot of us who are asking "so what's going to happen to me??"

It does leave scars. I can't even imagine trying to deal with Alzheimer's parents from a distance. I was only down the street and it seemed I was in the car rushing to take care of a crisis more often than I was at home. I got into the habit of carrying my telephone in my hand all the time and I still do...? Dad passed away in 2002 and yes there is a sense of relief...relief that he doesn't have to fight through the fog anymore.
A few months after my dad's death my brother committed suicide so I guess I have a whole lot of stuff in my emotional attic that I am still sorting through. I am glad to meet you. What a wonderful, talented, great group of Boomers! I can't wait to visit all of your web sites.