parent- me - children sandwich

I'm currently visiting my mom and flew my daughter and two granddaughters here. A moment of venting please... we all went to the zoo today. My mom in wheel chair, daughter pushing stroller with one child, the other walking along. My son came too. But sheesh, what a meltdown driving home -- daughter wanting to stop at a particular ice-cream store, Mom saying how ridiculous that is, how out of the way, we're too tired, etc. So, whom should I accommodate?

I told mom how special my duaghter perceived it to be, etc., and did she know any others that fit this particular description, which she didn't. We stopped and she had some too (I don't even eat ice cream). Each one has her perticular way of seeing me. I'm the elephant, and they're the blind men describineg me. Each knows a part, but neither knows me completely. But also, neither can even understand that!

I think we were all tired. I thik she thought my daughter was being unreasonable. I'd said to my daughter it would've been better had she spoken up as we passed the place the first time, but she didn't do that for whatever reason. My mom was a little spoiled by my dad who died a year ago. She still thinks she can get others to be intimidated by her commands, I suppose.

My daughter had been to this place before when in town, in the company of another relative who's a chef and knows the best spots to eat. They make everything from scratch, and use fresh fruit, etc., in the ice cream, so it really was special.

My point is, though, that today I really experienced the whole sandwich thing big time. Demands being made from top and bottom, both of whom seemed to think I was getting some benefit out of doing any of it, while I thought I was trying to make everyone happy, which isn't possible.

DJ, I sooo understand what you are saying.

It’s hard, very hard. And I don’t really have any answers for you, because I am often in the same sandwich. The only thing I found that seems to crank up the respect is if I make myself rare. If I don’t go after them, feeling it’s time to do something for them,…but instead keep busy with my life, and let them come to me. Then I am able to choose if I have time or not. Often I don’t, because I have been forming my own life, finally. And you know what? I am even beginning to rid myself of those old guilt feelings when I say, ‘I don’t have the time’.

DJ, how neat that you are all in your mom's hometown at the same time. I'm sure that took great planning becasue your mom is the only one that llives there, right?

I don't know how generations live together. I'd be a nervous wreck trying to keep peace.

Your post reminded me of when we were raising our kids and my MIL was around. She'd butt in and share her thoughts about what we'd said or done, and I found it most awkward.

Being in the middle is tough.

Have you read The Middle Place? It's a great book about a woman who has a young family, gets cancer, and her dad also gets cancer. They live in different parts of the country and she shares her balancing act. It's a fantastic read.

No I haven't read it.
Actually, both brothers, their wives, my sis and her husband, my one nephew and 3 nieces, one of my sons, my uncle and one cousin all live in my hometown where mom is.

Overall it was a great trip. It was a wonderful opportunity. Probably the only time teh great grandkids will get to see Grandma Great, as she calls herself.

It'd be a different story if I didn't live here, most likely.
What I think is intereesting is that I jsut about blew up at my daughter who said something like "Mom likes to be as difficult as possible," or "Mom wants to ..." and I said to her, "You have no idea what it is I want." She seemed to change her attituge after that. It's funny because she complains that my sons don't let her grow up, but it seems that with regard to me, she sometimes gets locked into a remnant of old reactions.

Everyone leaves tomorrow. It's been fun.

I knew your sibs were there, but didn't know your son was there too.

Great comment to your daughter. Did you surprise yourself with that response?

No matter how old our kids are, or we are, we often settle back into the same behaviors we were used to when all living under one roof.

I grew up in a house with three generations. Everybody got along
fine. My grandmother and father were really mild mannered. Grandpa did his thing. And mom and daddy were working nonstop.
On a farm there's always plenty of work. Guess I answered how
our three age groups lived in harmony.

Oh DJ, how helpful your post was to me. I just came from a week vacation with mom and the sisters...well, three of them. One couldn't come. Mom was a continual delight, but she is someone who has always seen her glass half full. Myself and sisters at times well...let's just say...not so much. All negatives were out of the sight and ears of mom, of course.

I love your statement that you are the elephant and they are THE blind giving a description of you. How so like my time spent with my sisters. We each have different lives yet we "assume" that we know all there is to know about one another, and based on those assumptions, we sometimes make demands on each other that are unreasonable AND unknowing.

While I love them fiercely, I also love my time away from them. LOL! Does that make sense?

You simply cannot please everyone. Maybe God invented holidays so we wouldn't get too much time together! HA!

JJ, I love your candid honesty.

I think your meetings, wearing the same clothes, are such a hoot. Are your sisters as funny as you? hoho...sorry your Highness...what kind of question was that?!

I love my brother dearly too,...but never ever could I live under one roof with him. We would kill each other. We've talked about moving in together when we retire, incase we are both single, but I told him it will only work if he follows my rules. lol

I hear ya hun....as long as they treat me like the Queen I am, then we get along just dandy. We could NEVER, EVER, live together...except maybe my baby sister. I swear that girl could get along with Lucifer himself and make him sweet. She is a delight!

Isn't it funny that family members think they know each other well, and make all sorts of assumptions.

I have a thing going on now with my youngest. Last week he came to town and I took him out to lunch and he got upset with me for asking him about his plans (he wants to quit a job and move to another city, but without a job waiting for him there. And I'm saying, hey, the economy is about 10% unemployment. Doesn't seem like the time for this -- and other sensible motherly types of advice.) When he expressed his displeasure at me for querying him, I said, "OK. Here's a hint for you: going to lunch means conversation. If you don't like where the conversation is going, then change the subject. Hey, ask me about ME for a change."

It strikes me that my kids never ask me about me.

So today he was back, and I took him to lunch and was telling him about how I'm making travel plans for next fall and who knows, maybe I'll even visit him. He said "where will that be?" Ha! see how he tried to talk about himself again! So I said, I'm not going there. We're talking about ME now.

My siblings are equally uncurious about me. Sometimes they act like I've been frozen in time.

I don't know how often you see some of your siblings or contact them. We do trot out the conversation opener: "How are things or what's up with you these days?" Even when I lived in the same city as sibs for a number of years. I was only in contact (phone, visiting) with any sibling every 2-3 weeks. Which works in our family.

Last 8 yrs. I've been living in a different province of the Canada, so yes, we do ask about each other. Contact with any sibling averages out to be once a month. And generally speaking, we get along fine with some imperfections.

My partner's adult children rarely ask about him. I just asked him now. Yes, I think this is abit selfish of them. They are after all, 31 & 29. Not that young. But they are behaving as if they are still living 20 years ago with a parent.

Even if a parent gives a predictable answer, it's still nice for an adult child to ask of the parent about their lives.

I'm so surprised to read this. I thought not asking about another person's life is a "German" thing.

As far as family members go, I don't wait to be asked. I tell them what is going on. I ask them as well. My youngest son calls me almost every day, sometimes even twice. He has often nothing to say...so we just breathe in the phone, and think that is very funny. When I ask him about his life, then he opens up; but he needs to be prodded. I wonder...is this a male thing? No, I don’t think so; my brother is different. He tells me everything. I love that about him.
And my oldest son gets quieter the older he gets. He used to be the gabbiest of us all. He never calls me, never is interested in my life, and hardly ever talks about his. It’s sad. I miss the way he used to be.

I love reading about your families. I wonder why people say when asked, "How are you?" They say, "I'm fine." Is it just because
they don't want to bother going into detail ro do they think
the other person really doesn't want to know.

It's like the preacher said one morning in a sermon, when I ask you at the front door how you are doing, this doesn't include hearing about your hemorrhoid operation, STEP-BY-STEP. Just a "fine, and how are you," works for me.

My children USED to call when they needed something. As you know, I have two boys. I finally said to them one day, "You know boys, it would be nice just to get a call that said you just wanted to know how I was doing."

Since then, I can't shut them up. They both call AT LEAST once a week. They visit...they only ask about ME, and I finally said, "Who are you people and what have you done with my children?"

It's either chicken or feathers....am I right? Where's the balance?

Boy ain't that the truth!!!!

Chicken or feathers, hey?
And how are you, today?


jj,
Is that far right?

Jawjaw,
By the bye, my son still phones only when he needs something,
and it's usually money! So you're not a lone sailor on that ship, there honey!

I wish I would hear more from my sons, both of them, but like all or most parents my son calls when he needs something and not because he needs just to hear my voice. How sad is that? I have always called my mom just to hear her laugh and know she is okay.