Family conflicts? How normal is normal?

It seems to me there is always stress one way or another within our family. I wish I were a duck, and all the grief would just roll off my back…But I think I'm a sponge instead,… I soak up all the squabbles and bickering and bitchy attitudes… I get heavier and heavier…till I just want to pick up my feet and run. I want to escape from everyone. The worst part is, I never seem to do the right thing. Everyone runs to me and drops their problems on my back,…They don't want any suggestions or solutions, if I do that,..then it's suddenly none of my business, or someone finds out what I said, and they feel ganged up on.

I'm sooooooo sick of it. And to make things worse…my Hubby criticizes me as well! He isn't any help at all. He riles me all up in the background, and then gracefully fades away when heads start bumping.

An island. I want to go to an island, drink coconut milk and eat fruit all day. I want to soak up the sun, swim naked and just feel alive.
I want to escape from all these voices and pesterings going on. Especially if THEY have problems, and I end up as their scape goat. Ugh. Ugh Ugh.

Are there really story book families out there, where everyone is one heart and harmony? I don't mean the families that see each other only once in a while. I think those are probably the healthiest ones. I mean the families where everyone has regular contact with one another. I do know there are exceptions. My relationship to my mother and brother is very intense and loving. I guess I'm blessed to have at least that.

We definitely have occasional issues in my immediate family and with sibs. Here's what I'm trying to do. I'm working hard at setting boundaries. I'm not picking up a problem that I don't want or own. I'm not trying to be the fixer, connecter, caregiver, person who is always trying to make everything right for everyone. How exhausting. I'm letting others do it, and it's working.

Example: I didn't want to be the one to organize Dad's daily care. I'm happy to help, but I've been the family organizer, party planner, gatherer, etc for years. I don't mind that, but I didn't want to pick up the organizer of Dad's care. The miraculous thing is that another sister picked it up and she's fantastic at it. I so appreciate her weekly emails with the days broken out and spots to sign up. It's beautiful. She tells us the days he has doctor appointments and other goings on that need to be tended to.

And to think that I could have very easily picked that up and would be doing it (and probably not as well) is eye opening.

Why do we have to do it all when there are others who can help just as easily, and probably want to, but maybe we haven't let them?

I don't know if this is a good example that you can relate to, but it's the first one that came to mind.

Another thing I'm trying to do is not perpetuate the negative talk, and it ain't easy.

I don't know if you know people who have the attitude that life's a bitch and then you die. I don't believe it at all, but I have a habit of jumping on a bandwagon when someone's complaining. Sometimes I add crap so they think they aren't the only one who has something rotten going on.

I'd rather focus on the positive because there is so much to be grateful for regarless of the situation. I find myself sounding like a Pollyanna and switch gears to join in others misery, when really if they had a different attitude, life ain't all that bad. You just have to look for the grace.

EW, have you considered taking off by yourself for a couple days of fun and sun, soaking it up, and coming back revitalized and better able to face the negative people? It might work.

Just remember, you aren't alone. That's for sure.

I'm guessing every family has its ups and downs. I'm with you, ED3. I would like to hide away on some island, too.

I'll meet you at the cabana. Can we add a little rum to that coconut?

Dotsie,
That sounds real good to me.

One or two shots, Dotsie? Are you coming too Jabber! YES! Let's all chill at the beach.

Want to dream a little with me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ITq7TZGhls

My dear, sweet Edelweiss, I'll come along to the isalnd if you don't mind. My life is filled with much the same. I work a horrendously stress filled job and have subtle but real digs at home that shows his unhappiness. I so want to run away but when I get THAT discouraged I think "how would I ever make it on my own?" and so it goes.....he's fine and nice and things start all over again. I know things are stressful for everyone but sometimes, I want to run. I drive my car and think "I want to get away".....would I be happy? I don't know.....that's the problem.

Dotsie, what an honest message you gave here. Yes, I can relate to the organizing example. Also, wow, did I ever have an eye opening experience with my Mom and step father this month. How can I be nearly 55 and just now see with new eyes how negative and controlling my step f is? I let him off easy in the book, that's for sure. Was I in denial? Did I minimize so I would not go crazy? So, in response to your example, he would open the newspaper first thing in the morning, and read the headline, and say something negative. And I asked him, "Do you expect me to respond to that?" He'd get the mail, and throw it on the counter, and complain about the junk mail, and I'd ask, "Do you expect me to respond to that?" I realized what a robot I had been, jumping on his band wagon, yeah, it's all crap, and then we die. Got that out, now back to EW.

I've never experienced normal, so I don't know what it is. I do know that criticizing is not only not normal, it is also not loving or cherishing. LJ, EW, I feel exactly like you both... I often wonder how happy is happy, how normal is normal, but all I can come up with is love is what is, and if not that, then what? And what if there was love for a time, and that time ran out? Or if love changes form? I think normal would be lifting each other up instead of putting each other down, complimenting not criticizing, supporting not sabatoging.

Ladyjane, your question "how would I ever make it on my own?" is what holds me back as well. I don't have my own retirement plan. I actually started one about 15 years ago, and Hubby told me to cancel it. So that makes me damn stuck, and stupid me didn't have any backbone at the time. So next time I hop in the car and just drive wondering what the hell is going on with my life, I'll think of you, my friend, and wish we were in the same car.

Dotsie, you are so very right about staying out of things, and not trying to make everything right. It's sad, because I always thought that is what family is about. At least you have a wonderful loving marriage, on which you can fall back on. I never get moral support from my husband. Just yesterday he said he thinks I should get psychiatric help. That takes the cake. Instead of reprimanding how others are acting, he sees the fault in me. It's a no win situation.

Princess…I have to repeat your quote; "…Or if love changes form? I think normal would be lifting each other up instead of putting each other down, complimenting not criticizing, supporting not sabotaging." Yes. I so agree. Why do we all see that? And so many others don't? With "A's" parents, and I speak of both of them, they see me as a threat, because "A" still begs to come back home, to my home. Their marriage is on the rocks, and the atmosphere is bad. No wonder my grandchild wants to escape. When I suggest, which I will never do again, that we take her for a weekend, just to give the little one some normality back, I get screaming replies, we are the parents and we decide what we do with "A". Oh brother. And then I get the raised wagging finger from my husband, who no matter what topic it is, brings up my mother, and says she is more important then he is. All these jealous people around me! It's awful. And Princess, - sounds like you're Stepfather is a negative controlling person as well. I know what you are talking about.

Anne327, if that train leads to a warm island…oh yes…don't forget the rum!

I ask myself, is this the life I want for the next 20-30 years? And the answer is a definite no. And as usual, the ticket to independence is money. So I am trying to pick up the pieces again, and see, - despite this economy, that I can earn enough to buy that ticket to freedom.

wow dotsie what an exilent example of making positive changes for yourself both in doing and in attitude jumping on bandwagon.

since iv stopped doing and fixing lifes a lot easier lol and i try my hardest not to get boggeed dowen with the complaining and keeping it positive BUt (i hope) not just dismissing peoples problems. If i at a frrends i wipe my feet on the way out, i just leave their problems with them and no not give them someplace to live in my mind.

i am happier and thier just the same

exilent that your sister picked up your dad dutises (oganising but asking for help) thats a great model to work from with everyone sharring taskes.

i bet its unusule it ends that way as people get confused with stuff sometimes, well i do anyway.

EW as usule i focus in on A and how hard it must be for you to witness this stuff and know she their so more power for you for doing it and remaining a support and offerring her the love that you do.

I think in a room of 1000 of people ask your question of what and how normale is normale or maybee functioning correctlie and few will raise their hand, of course their be exeptions but few will be actulie living it.

you can only do some of it yourself as it take all familie members to particapate. I don't reallie know experientallie what a good functioning familie is lol But i do know when it aint working and what to do about that in my owen circumstanses.

I know what works ina relashionship and its respect, trust, honestie and above all communicasion and maturitie. Perhapps a working familie is just a larger group of what a good relashionship is. Maybee not the best relashionship but good enough.

I don't think its the issues or the problems or the fighting that matters the most. Thats all bound to come up and is par for the course if not healthie. It what is done in thse situasion that matters the most. Perhapps thats what makes families work well together.

good luck anyway my frend and rember thers only so much any one person can do! The rest is theirs

Edelweiss, my dear, dear friend. I am so sorry that your life is a burden and a heavy weight once again. Please find a way to escape for a day or two at least. Get away from the madness for a bit, be by yourself and with yourself and let your worries go.

I have so many thoughts, and I hope I do not ramble too much.

I have no idea what a normal family is, anymore than you. My family is tiny and we don't see each other very often. With no children in my life, I can't fully understand that dynamic, either.

I do know happy families with children and grandchildren and parents and grandparents. Sure they have their moments, but they seem to be there for each other most of the time. I know healthy families exist.

Like Dotsie, I believe that looking to the positive side has a big impact on my view of the world. January has been a tough month for us, and rather than getting overly upset and crying a river, I decided to take action. Dennis and I could easily have fought over every little matter, but both of us believe life is way top short to expend energy on a drawn out battle. Yes, we spoke our piece, but it never led to much more than a tear or two, and then a kiss and a hug.

As far as seeing a psychiatrist, in his own way, perhaps your husband is on the right track. Please don't stop reading or get angry with me here. I think going to a coucelor (not a doctor, unless you need meds) might be a terrific idea. It doesn't seem if you have anyone that listens to you completely or that is on your side no matter what. Unless you are able to safely speak your mind, it always dwells in the back of the brain. Don't look at going to see a professional as a deficit, but as a investment in your life.

I am almost done, I promise.

I suggest that you set and strengthen your boundaries. You raised your children, let them go. You do not owe them anymore, at this time. When they are able to come to you with love, accept them. When they come to you with anger or anomosity - tell them to leave. When your husband is cruel, smile and walk away.

It's so easy to take on someone else's negativity, as others have suggested. You do not need to hold your son and dil's stuff. And remember, A had you and your love during her most important bonding years. She will never, ever forget those days, and it will impact her more than you will ever know. You are not the reason your husband once again is being negative and unsupportive. That is his stuff. Let him deal with his stuff and you deal with your own.

I pray that I have no way unintentionally offended you. It is the last thing on my mind.

Love and hugs to you. Ann

It's those doggone subtle digs that bug me. Hubby and his mom
don't say much. But when they do, it is generally a dig buried
inside the kindness of a smile. And I doubt if anybody knows
what a normal family is. Who desides what's normal? Probably
some quack with four doctorates.

Anno, I had a feeling maybe I shouldn't have written what my husband said to me. People might think there could be a grain of truth in it. But I wrote it to show my husband's criticizing character. I know you meant well, and I would never get angry at you. I value your comments, and I can only learn from you.

I also understand if you and others think I am unable to let go. Maybe I give that impression. That is not the case, really. I am more than happy that I have my life back again and can go after my own interests. I sometimes see grandmothers with their grandchildren, and I literally physically feel a sense of relief that I don't have that responsibility anymore.

My problem is that my son and DIL, despite their own problems, have a chip on their shoulder with me. I can only explain it as jealousy. My son can be terribly impatient and insulting. And instead of dealing with my son's hostile behaviour; my husband says I need help because I am hurt by it. Whaaat?

I know my son will be nice to me again. And I know he really loves me. But I'm not giving anymore. Just last month, he asked us to give him a huge amount of money. We refused. He is walking a tight rope between his marriage and his unrestrained spending. So he needs someone to lash out at, - and has chosen me; the safe harbour, where he can always land his half-sinking ship. For a refreshing change, - this harbour is moving on to friendlier places.

I feel better today. Gosh venting is so good for the soul. I got two new real-estate contracts in to sell. One of them is a gorgeous ranch, with beautiful horses; had to think of Mustang. She would love it.

Thank you Anno, and thank you Celtic too for all your valuable advice. I love my girlfriends here.

Oh and Jabber,… just like when we were little and believed in princesses and the perfect prince, I think we have been indoctrinated through ideal images we have seen in TV shows. I always thought "Leave it to Beaver" was the ideal normal family. It's high time I shake THAT image off. I know what you mean about the subtle digs. Maybe they are even more "dangerous" than the face to face insults. I don't know.

There is another side to the psychiatric dig. My mother needed psychiatric help. She wanted help. But my step father kept saying how they were all money-grubbing quakes, etc. I think he was afraid of what she would learn in therapy, ie. that his hatefulness contributed to her depression.

I in no way wanted what I said to be interpreted that you need psychiatric help. I was simply thinking how wonderful it is to have someone in your life that listens. Just listens.

I have done both counceling and life coaching. As I am a certified life coach, I lean towards that. I love having someone in my life that listens and helps me set goals.

It's this type of relationship that I was referring to, not that you were the problem.

You have a two loving sons, for that you are blessed. I am happy to hear that venting helped and you found a safe place to let go. This has been a safe haven for me, too.

Love to you.

Anno, my friend, I understood that in your first post. You said that quite clearly that you don't think I need a doctor, but just someone to talk to.
And you are right. So very right. Your proffesional expertise as a life coach, nailed the problem right on its head.
Hey, I'm an open book...what can I say.
So sweety, I'm sending you angel hugs, and thanking you for lending me your "ears" once again.

Anne 327,...yes learning how to detatch. YES! That's it. Do any of you life coaches have some free tips on that?

This week, I have been wallowing in self pity, until last night. I don't know if it was an answer to my prayers or coincidence, whatever…it snapped me out of my doldrums.

I was actually dead tired, but for some reason kept zapping through the TV channels, when a movie caught my eye. The name is : Turtles Can Fly. Has anyone else seen it?

It's a documentary film about orphaned children in Afghanistan who have lost limbs and/or family members to land mines. It is a must see.

Not only did it push my own life back into perspective, where I thought how ungrateful I can be; it opened my eyes once again to the horrors going on in this world. I wish I could be there just for one of these children. Tomorrow I'm going to the bank to contribute what I can, in hope that it may buy at least one child an artificial limb.

And I gave my Hubby a hug today, and told him we will make it;..we will make it together. I think I sound a bit schizophrenic,…and maybe I am…Whatever, I've snapped out of it. And the nicest way to snap out of it, is to do something good for another human being who is so much worse off than oneself.

Oh, yay, Edelweiss!! You sound so much healthier today.

We all wallow in self-pity once in a while. It is not only okay, but probably necessary to go through phases of sadness in order to appreciate what is around us.

I am going to look for Flying Turtles when I run through the channels. It sounds inspiring.

I am so happy that you are in a different place today. It's good to have happy Edelweiss back.

LOL...that a good one, Anne327! I remember "Leave It To Beaver" and "Father Knows Best." All men should be like those dads. Humans are so complex, I doubt if anyone can really figure anybody else out. But venting on here, sure does help release the tensions.

How true Edelweiss...
Those of you that have known me for years now know I have always said:

"when you think your life sucks, walk through the local hospitals cancer ward where the children are, some only infants and racked with this dreaded disease."

If that doesn't shake you to the core of reality then you need to hire a shrink and soon!