Conversations with adult/single step son

My 38 yr old single step son lives way north...and the last time we've seen him was 7 years ago.

We obviously don't see him much but I am wondering what conversation topics might me something I could talk to him about.

DH usually talks to him....but if I ever get the chance, I'm looking for ideas ladies!

It sounds like you barely know him. Obviously to know via your hubby, what his interests/lifestyle is like now.

Hard to answer this one. Is he going to be staying you folks?

With my partner's son who is now 28, I guess I worry less about what we talk about since he's matured as a great young man (now with his own son). When he visited us for several days a few months ago, the great connector..was food. He is a chef to earn his living...so he pored over my foodie books. I happily gave away 3 books to him that are clearly oriented to foodies.

He happily prepared for us 2 cheffy dinners. And of course, my partner was more than thrilled to accompany him and they bought the ingredients for the chef...

In a way, I don't expect to talk tons with him, but hope more for him to kick up, be happy, rest/veg and enjoy our company.
Whenever he visits, it's a happy, comfortable feeling for everyone.

When is he coming to town? I would just base it on what he does for a living and what he enjoys in his spare time. If you don't know much about him, I'd just ask - but that's me - the curious one! I just put questions out there and I can sorta figure out when I need to stop asking...

I do not foresee him coming to town, but we never know. I guess "Dad" is not as important as "Mom" is in a divorce situation.

He actually dislikes NM...dry, dusty desert. Even though he grew up here. That is why I just let DH talk to him on the phone When/if we see him again, it'll be easier to converse in person.

Time will tell, Di. If his birth father was always a reasonable father to him, the role of "Dad" as part of his development will become more obvious. Hopefully.

Understanding/becoming aware of the influence of same sex parent on oneself's development as one grows older..really has less to do with divorced parents..but more of a person maturing over time.

At least that's my theory.

You're right, Orchid. He and his dad, my DH, are very much alike. They can carry on conversations for hours about tech stuff. They are both VERY tech savvy.

And maybe men don't "need" the family bonding type things as women do. I know I am family starved, but DH does not seem to be bothered by it so much. He certainly is not making much of an effort to fly to see his son either!

Di, men are so different on these subjects, most of them anyway. I agree we women seem to need the interaction with family, and other women whereas men do not care one way or another, or so it seems...

About being family starved. He may be as well but men do not usually show their emotions on things like that. I too feel family starved at times especially having been raised surrounded by family and relatives galore. Now its just me usually.

chatty, this must be hard for you. I'm sure this is the reason you open your home to others during the holidays. I think it's a great way to fill your heart, and the hearts of others.

Its a sad substitute at best Dotsie but most who come here to share with me have no one at all, either they live far, far away or are all deceased.

We are all alone pretty much and so we comfort one another with good food, companionship, laughter, singing, and lots of hugs all around.

This topic is called Conversation With Adult Stepson. If I may I am going to take this a step further by asking "what is an adult?"

How does one guage adulthood? Is it by their actual age in years, or is it by their behavior, thoughts and ideas?

I know kids under the age of 13 that behave and can be spoken to like an adult in most cases. I also know adults of many ages that speak and think like a child, a spoiled child at that.

Picture if you can our comedic friend Maxine, stomping her feet, and throwing a hissy fit. She is an adult in age, but not acting or behaving like one one.

So my question is, how to judge someone as adult. I fear their years have nothing much to do with what they actually are. Whats your take on this adult thing?

And how do we decide what are 'adult' behaviors, thoughts, ideas? Is behaving like a child necessarily a bad thing? I don't think chronological age has anything to do with it. And there are times I don't feel 'adult' at all. Perhaps being able to take care of oneself is adult; but then there are times when we all need to have someone else take care of us. Or is it being able to be rational and making sensible decisions? I think all of us recognize 'adult' behavior but can we really describe it? It all depends on the situation.

I am certain my own mother doesn't see my behaviour as adult. It's hard to hold a calm conversation with her when I visit since she wants to dominate /control the conversation.

Anger and frustration is still part of being adult. Maybe it's certain societal expectations how we are expected to control negative emotions.

Orchid, I'm sorry to hear that about your mother. It's odd, but the older some people get, the more egocentric they become. Once they give up on that, then I think they give up on themselves.

I think wanting to criticize is a "mother" thing. My mother does that. In one way it's good. I've learned what NOT to do when with my children, or anyone else. Number one rule is never criticize, unless you are asked to. I try to follow that. I don't have it always in control;…but I do try.

Yes, it's gotten more worse with her but maybe it's me also. Interesting pt. Edelweiss, about giving up in general, once a person gives up on egocentric controlling behaviour. It maybe a trend for my mother. I actually hope not.

I think in a way for her, to have me as the only adult child (compared to the rest) live so far away, represents a sense for her, a loss. A loss of presence of myself to her. A subtle reminder that as one grows old, what was under one's motherly control/embrace, drifts away eventually.

I know my other siblings get quite frustrated with her, since they have to deal with her more frequently since they all live in the same city region.

What is probably most difficult for any aging parent is not to regress by expecting their child, now adult to be constantly bending to a parent's willpower/whims.

This has always been and probably always will be a problem. Children grow and move away sometimes very far away. As we age we want those children closer by to help us in our whaning years. This can become a matter of contention between sibblings and the parent. But what are we to do when a parent becomes needy? Especially if we're married, have children and a full, established life elsewhere.

I believe this may have been a problem since the beginning of time. My mother laughing says all the time. "Just take me to the North Pole, stick me on a floating piece of ice and walk away. The polar bears will do the rest."

She jokes but sometimes the look in her eye disturbs me.

How many of us have begged our elderly parents to move, come live with us, and they refuse. They don't want to leave a buried spouse, or their family or friends. It goes both ways apparently.