Yours, his or ours?

Wondering.....how do you refer to, and/or introduce your steps?

His daughter/son?
My stepdaughter/son?
"our" children?

Good question, I can't wait to hear answers. I am coming up on that issue soon!

My brother and his wife have always refered to their kids as, (his,hers,and theirs) "ours", when speaking of them. And they never say this is my stepson/stepdaughter. They say this is my son/daughter. The "steps" call them mom and dad also....their choice.

I refer to them, when speaking to others, as "(DH's) daughter,son, granddaughter". When I introduce them, it's "my step...".

They call me by my first name, but the granddaughter calls me "Nunna"..which I'm sure will catch on to the younger one.

Because their Mom is still alive and well, the "Mom" or "ours" does not sit well w/me. Also because I'm not a Mom of my own either. I think that makes a difference.

Plus, it's part of my effort to let others know that not everyone has their own kids.

Nothing wrong with your solution, Di. I would tend to do what you would do . But because I'm not married AND I wasn't directly involved in raising his children when they were teens, though the children have known me since he and I have been together since that time in their life, I refer to my partner's ( his name) daughter or son. Also my partner's grandson, is just that...it is not my grandson.

And I am certain this is what his children would like from me too. It would be terribly presumptuous of me (and they would probably think I'm wierd and would become uncomfortable) to refer to them otherwise when I didn't give birth to them nor did I raise them.

Do I feel bereft, left out, awkward? Nope. I'm already a proud aunt of 6 nieces and nephews from 3 sisters.

They are my step-son/daughter and that's how I introduce them...they introduce me as their step-mom...

Huh; that's interesting. I thought the word "step" automatically signaled that any child wasn't a product of your marriage, wouldn't it? I guess it would depend on how close to the kids you feel to make different designations whether they are in front of you or you're talking about them.

I'm pretty sure I refer to everyone by the same term, whatever it is; for example, my son-in-law is just that. I never refer to him as my daugher's husband. My nieces are my nieces, not my brother's daughters, if that makes sense.

Ok, so would one call a spouses son in law your "step-son-in-law" or my husband's son-in-law?

So many gray areas!

You're right, it can be tricky, but how close do you feel to him? If you refer to someone as 'my husband's son-in-law,' it kind of sounds like you don't know him at all. I dunno; I think I'd probably say stepson-in law and just say he's from an earlier marriage. I do hear people say this fairly frequently.

It's surely easier when you get past that and can use use his name! I will call him Steve.

legally isn't he your son-in-law?
it means that he's your husband's son by law because he married the daughter, and your marriage makes you part of this family as well.
If you're not great buddies, why not "my step daughter's husband?"
If I liked him, i'd call him my son.

I usually refer to my stepfather as my stepfather. I feel it is ungenerous of me, but I do have a father, even though he's dead and not the best of men, he was my father, and he's the only one I ever had. so it's hard for me to refer to anyone else that way. I hope that makes sense.

My partner referred to his stepfather...as his stepfather (now dead for past decade). In his heart, he felt closest/admired his birth father who died when he was 2 yrs. old.

The reality was that he never really cared alotfor his stepfather, who was totally different from birth father and how stepfather treated his mother. (meaning he had to protect his mother from his violent tempers...)

And this despite the fact he was raised by mother and stepfather for the remainder of his childhood/teenagehood.

It's interesting about the proper use words for blood vs. in-law family relationships. When my mother learned that one of my sisters referred to her mother-in-law as "mother", my mother was irritated/annoyed. Most likely she might have felt hurt/jealous or whatever. I think she would have been happier that my sister refer to her mother-in-law by anything else but "mother".

In Chinese language there are specific words to identify the maternal vs. paternal and degree of blood closeness for family members. ie. there is a word for maternal third cousin or the birth order of a person in relationship to yourself. I am Elder sister ..and of course always would be because I am the oldest.

But ie. Sister #3, she would be referred by me as younger sister. But Sister #4 would refer to Sister #3 as Elder sister. But for the past few decades, all that stuff gets dropped and it's just "sister".

However we do use words to identify, maternal grandfather and maternal grandmother, vs. paternal grandfather and paternal grandmother. So at least the grandparents on both sides, each have unique terms.

In the situation of step family members, the proper etiquette is driven by how the person feels in relationship to the step family member. Most likely in a traditional bound Chinese family, it is to use "mother", even though a person may not care much for the 'stepmother' or whatever.

Remember Chinese culture has a long history of blended families... for the wealthy, more than 1 wife ..and then there may be the mistress or concubine. Too many stories of interfamilial conflicts and buried anger/resentment/slights.

I think it is healthier for stepfamily relationships, if you don't feel close to the step family member, is to address the person by first name or a unique family endearment that the person likes. Or if you wish to acknowledge who is genuinely your birth parent.