hmmm, should we keep this topic?

Ladies, this is the only topic that didn't see any action last month. Should I be concerned about that? Should I leave it just in case women need to talk about it?

Thoughts please...

I vote for leaving it in Dotsie. I am the parent of another's child. I decided against the word Step years ago. I didn't want to isolate him, as he was only 5.

He is now 27 years old and lives close to his real Mom,in Napanee Canada, he needs that. I love him like my own flesh and blood. He is my only son.The only chance I had to have one.

My mother told me these words when I was first raising him...Some day, my dear he has to grow up and look back...How do you want him to remember you?

If she hadn't intervened when she did, I would have probably been the " Step-mother from Hell"

My Dear Mom...she just knew how things were supposed to be... And how to fix it with few words. Such a wise woman...She treated him just like all her grandchildren...and he Loved her for it.

On the other side of the coin though...the Real Parent of the child is where the issues sometimes lay...Then theres the step-grandparents/real grandparents,siblings etc...I could go on and on.

MOH has two older sons and although we don't see them often as they live in another State, we get along marvellous. Why, because...

I haven't seen my son in a couple of years,but I am flying to Newfoundland on the 13th so we can spend some time together along with my 2 daughters.

Now...especially now, Mom's words make more sense than ever.

Yes, leave it in one more month please.

I remember when there was quite a bit of traffic on this subject. Maybe it comes and goes but if its not in the way, I'd leave it...

I havre not been on the forums lately because of moving but this subject is close to my heart since I am the step mom to an adult daughter.

So many issues....her relationship with me, her relationship with her Dad, How does he feel about it all, her relationship with our son. how does she feel about his adoption. How does he feel about her. the list goes on and on.

I have read many posts here but the topic was one that I had to giove lots of backgound or not relevant.

I could use lots of advice here. Daughter is not and has not been great since begining. Lots of disappointments all around.

If you can, leave it.

Lynn

I also have not commented because the topic is somewhat painful and complicated. I have a 15 year old stepdaughter and 18 year old stepson who is away at college. My marriage almost broke up because of my poor relationship with these two kids and my husband's dislike of my son.

Since I'm not talkative and outgoing and neither are my stepchildren, we rarely spoke to each other. It didn't seem important to me since they were teenagers, not living with us, and had a mom and dad who were very involved in their lives and doing a good job of co-parenting.

I reserved my energy and time for my own son, who's father never contacts him, and who has had a great deal of trouble with depression, including a weeks stay in the hospital because of the fear he was going to kill himself.

Anyway, I'm now working on being more involved in my stepchildren's lives. I don't expect we'll ever be close, but we should at least be able to carry on a conversation with each other.

As for my husband's relationship with my child, they both dislike and avoid each other. I wish my husband would try harder to go outside his own jock, conservative, experience and understanding of what a teenage boy should be like. My son tries to be less artistically extreme at home, where, unfortunately, he doesn't feel very welcome. If my husband went to my son's high school, he'd see that my son is typical of an art student.

A healing of their relationship and of my son's bitterness and antagonism towards God and society in general is something I pray daily on.

There seems to be many who have issues or need discussion in this area. Maybe a facilitator would kick things off?

Any pros out there who would like to facilitate a bunch of women who want there lives to be healthy with his and her kids?

Just a thought.

Lynn

My second marriege in which I was very comfortable and happy in ended in a bitter divorce because #2husband couldn't or wouldn't except my son from my first marriage. David my eldest sons father died before he was born and he looked to #2 as his dad and that was fine until #2 and I had a son together. Then he totally avoided David and was very obviously crazy for his own son. He was 22 years older than I and was elated to finally have a son. We were together for 14 years until David was a husky strong teenager and #2 a bar owner became his own best customer. He would pick on David when he was drunk and finally they came to blows. Soooooo I left my comfortable, happy, spoiled life and the boys and I moved across country. Was it hard for me, you betcha, but my sons come first, last and always. David was then and is now the perfect son, someone to be proud of and he didn't deserve what he was being subjected to. I should have taken my husband in hand earlier and told him "love me, love my son or hit the road." So should the lady who's husband treats her son badly. Can you imagine how he truly feels in his own home? My son has explained that to me, how he felt and I can't describe the pain these young boys suffer inside. Do something NOW if you can....

I haven't posted because it's too painful or makes me frustrated and angry. I'm in the process of working through it right now.

Mine gets complicated. My stepson is living with a girl who is my son's girlriend's best friend! Confused yet? This basically keeps me tied in some way to the stepson because the stepson and his girlfriend ask my son and his girlfriend questions, which is none of their business.

Now, my son is getting married next September and I was always wondering how I would handle the wedding because I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with the stepson after he betrayed me (again). So, this being a small world, I was returning from my flight to NM on Sunday and who is on the same flight but my stepson's girlfriend! She came up behind me in the baggage claim and grabbed my arm and I just said, "Oh...hi." and looked away. So, she continues to walk beside me and asks me how I'm doing. "Fine." I pulled my cell phone from my purse and called my girlfriend and stayed on the phone until the luggage came out.

I know I sound like a b**** but you have to understand how good I was to my stepson and his girlfriend. I did everything for them and treated them like they were my own children and my reward for that was a knife in the back complete with hurtful lies. I don't want people like them in my life because they bring destruction and pain. How can you ever trust a person (s) after they do this to you and for no good reason? The two of them killed the goose that laid the golden egg.

And, it's my husband's fault all of this went on. He hasn't gotten it yet, you can be a father and husband at the same time. Oh, don't get me started!

Dianne, a betrayal by someone we loved and trusted is the worst kind of pain and the hardest to forgive if in fact one can forgive. I have a very long memory and forgiveness does not come easy. If you hurt me personally I can forgive easier than if you hurt someone I truly care about, like my sons. There is some old saying about "if you kill the goose you may as well eat it cause it ain't comin back no more." Seems appropriate don't you think?

I think that Chatty is so right in that being betrayed by someone close to us hurts more. I do believe one can forgive, and should.

However, that doesn't mean you have to open yourself up for more betrayal. Some people are just stinkers and will always be stinkers. I think you have this person's number Diane. I say forgive, but keep the distance between you. Why give them another chance? Until they showed me they could be trusted, it just wouldn't happen.

Just my 10 cents worth (inflation)

JJ

I'm going to remember that new and improved saying about the goose...so funny. I might make it my email signature!

I'm all for forgiving from a distance. I tell the women I work with that it's okay to forgive someone who abused you...from far away. This doesn't mean you tell them that you forgive them because this shows you are testing the waters to see if they still care. You forgive them in your heart and move on with your life.

After seeing Allison at the airport, it did bring up angry feelings toward my husband. Of course, I refuse to tell him that I even saw her because I wait to see if he'll mention it, which means he's allowing his son to "tattle" again. Both grown sons have always reported to their dad what I've done after they've visited (aren't allowed in my home anymore now) and he lets them. Would even report my offenses to me until I told him if he did it again, I was going to take a certain part of his anatomy and stuff them up his nostrils. This whole situation is useless, painful and just plain stupid. Who, in their right mind, would want people in their lives that treated them with so much disrespect and only because you married their father? How childish is that?

[ October 06, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Dianne ]