How Long Do You Stay In a Bad Marriage?

keyholes, I agree with dots... you made the right decision, a not so easy one I'm sure. Glad you could get on with your life.

It was the only choice I saw for my own sanity!!!!! Living with someone with an addiction they won't seek help with is not healthy. It gets ugly and ends up wasting your life. On the other hand, if someone is willing to admit they have a problem and will do "the work" to fix it, that's another story.

You're all so sweet .

On a side note, has anyone ever seen the series on A&E called Intervention? I saw it for the first time last night and was that scary. They showed a young girl with a crack problem and a young man with a heroin problem. What they did to themselves AND their families was ugly and depressing. (Fortunately, both decided to go to a rehab program and "redo" their lives.)

I have seen it Keyhole a dozen times or more, and yes it is scary, BUT I really feel they accompliash alot to help heal these addicts... It always amazes me to see how low and discusting some of these people become. I can't imagine allowing myself to slip into such depts...No one forces these people to do drugs, or alcohol. They do it willingly, at first especially... SCARY!!!

Good afternoon ladies~ I'm dredging up this thread because I had a long, long email from my niece last night saying that she'd had enough of her marriage and she indicated that she might be fearful of her husband. They're young, started out pregnant, broke, minimal education, crappy job. I think she might be a bit bright, but a bit lazy as well, but fairly sweet. Just as background info, my sister, her mother, has had a horrible temper her whole life and is known for her insane fits of rage. Jessie has had her share of screaming rages but I think only in her young adult life. I have never met her husband Mark so I can't comment too much on him. He doesn't appear to be any kind of go-getter but I have no idea really, but I think he's had a string of menial jobs that don't last for long.

So, here's the deal - she wrote me, told me that her mother and MY mother both told her to grow up and quit including them in her drama and to be a better wife. With that said... I gave her this advice:

"Well.... I have to give this all some thought before I can really think of much to say.
But... I will say this. Of course, you have two choices - to leave or stay, and what each of those choices will encompass.

One) You did make a vow, whether well thought out or not. You were absolutely firm in your decision to get pregnant and marry, bad choice or not, it is what it is.
In that vow, you said "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, etc."
Now, not belaboring that particular issue - where exactly is the faith that you spoke so much about? You either have faith that God can do anything, and change even this, or you don't believe it, in which case, same question - where is your faith and where do you apply that in your life?

Choice two) You leave. Do you have a way of leaving, you said you didn't have a running car? Where exactly will you go? Are you prepared to go to a shelter if necessary, because that could be the next step if you seriously want to get a new start. If you plan to leave, you need to be prepared for the worst, just in case. You can't just plop yourself on someone's doorstep making them responsible for supporting you. If you need a restraining order, you need to go to the court and/or the sheriff's office to get one, and you need to have proof and a real reason that you need protection from him.
You NEED to have a plan. And be prepared to work two jobs, one for child care, one to pay for a room because you're not going to be able to afford anything else at this point. Be prepared to be exhausted until Roslyn goes to kindergarten. And honestly, that would happen whether you stay or go. It's just the nature of the circumstance.
Neither choice will be easy. They both require work, either on your knees praying and seeking guidance, and finding out what in YOUR OWN PERSONAL life needs to change to provide the opportunity for GOD to work in him, and to help yourself mature...

... or you go out, work as hard as you can, going from one job to another and seeing your baby daughter in between, and dig in and just know that if you really, really, really, really, really want a change it can be done. But this kind of change, either way, needs to be done BY you, and ONLY YOU. This is almost a rite of passage because this is where YOU make YOUR decision. Nobody else can take the credit for it, and no one else can take the flak for it either. This is YOUR responsibility and you must take it. In this, you will grow. Do not deny yourself this opportunity to let God work in YOU.

Personally, (for someone who didn't want to say too much) - you know that your uncle (my husband) had substance issues and I had a horrible time dealing with that, but I made my decision and I stayed. And I prayed, and I prayed, and started working on myself and let God deal with him and he did a wonderful job and we no longer have those issues. God sees a true pure heart and he rewards those who diligently seek HIS face. He'll take care of the rest.

So........... whaddya think?

K

Sorry for the truly long post.

Good advice Kate, at least you gave her the fascts, no holds barred. Not to sound kurt but I find we usually stay in a bad marriage:

TOO LONG!!!!

Boy, if being engaged gets you lies, dirty laundry and [censored]......ewwwwwwww. The laundry... okay, but after 30 years, my husband does laundry, dishes, vacuums and mops, without being told or asked... and he doesn't do it all the time, but he does it a lot more than I do. And he was (just in case you were wondering) NOT a girly guy whatsoever. He's a guy guy and admittedly, when we were first married he thought that all that stuff was 'women's work'.... yeah, that lasted about one year. If I work, we share. Not necessarily 50-50 because it changes all the time, but right now while I'm trying to do my art 'thing' he's doing the chores just like he did when I was going out to my job.

I just didn't want my neice to think she can get mileage out of being a victim because sooner or later - nobody wants to hear it. Help yourself or don't but assume responsibility for your life and take it somewhere.

I hope I got that across.

K

Now I'm a little embarrassed at my concern. Today, she has a message up about getting a car... evidently there was some kind of power shift or something and .... and I don't know why I didn't expect it. Sorry to have posted all that.

You're right... no tolerance for that kind of fear.

K

You wrote a very good letter, Kate.

I was drawn into many a fight between my son and his wife. I would get so upset while imagining how they are going to handle custody...and so on and on..... I’d stay awake nights, exhausting myself with worry. Meanwhile back at the ranch, so to speak, the kids would kiss and make up....AND forget to inform me!!!…While sacks as big as a Smart Car would form under my eyes; they were romping around together again!!! Ugh.

I've told them to leave me out of their fights in the future. Now I don't find out about anything; and it is truly bliss.

Right on! I haven't heard from her since I posted that long thing, and it's probably just as well. It's just interesting though - everyone has such a different concept of what their relationship is, or how they think it's supposed to go. And it's work, that's all, just some life work that you have to do, and find a compromises to things so that you accomodate each other. I think young people just don't get it.

Anyway.........

Kate

Kate, I'm grateful she feels close enough to you to ask. That's great that a niece will come to you for advice. You were wise to point out that we are often the ones who need to change. However, unless he's abusing her. That's another story.

The comments about hearing the ins and outs of loved ones relationships is so true. Mom told us years ago not to air our dirty laundry because while angry, you can say some very hurtful things about a loved one. You may mean it for the moment, others read into it, think the worse, and then life resumes as normal. It wasn't all that bad. You were just angry and sharing the absolute worst thoughts and feelings.

My daughter called to tell me she and her beau broke up this week. I have to be very careful about what I say about him because it's very likely they will end up back together. Holding my tongue is so very hard.

It's hard for a parent not to let their feelings known, when children date people mom or dad don't really approve of. As Dotsie said, they'll probably end up with that person in the long run. It happened to me. My son was married with a baby when his current spouse broke up that marriage. I lit into the second babe, in a thunderous rage. My son has been married to the second gal for years; and I feel like the MIL from h*&l! But love for that 1st grandchild ramped up unpleasant emotions, which put my mouth in gear. I should've shut up! Nobody wants to lose their children. So watch what you say. Son and 2nd DIL treat me fine, now. But I can't help but think this current DIL has some ill will festering deep down within. I wouldn't blame her. And I regret all that stuff, which came out of my mouth, long, long ago!

jabber, I'm sure you only had your son and your granchild's best interest at heart when you shared how you felt.

I honestly need to follow my parent's example. They always minded their own business when it came to their five kids and our boy/girlfriends, and eventual spouses. I don't know how they did it.

And now Dad is so good about minding his own business with regards to all of our children. I guess they were never controlling parents. I'm really trying to give up control now that thye're all out of the house.

It's really about zipping our lips.

Our pastor once said, while I was probably sniveling about Scott and all his *situations*, to be very careful of what I said because negative words were, in effect, character assasination. When I thought of it like that, I started learning to hold back.

Learning that "every word that doth proceed from my mouth" is not golden was very valuable to me. I didn't like it, but so what?
And we create or destroy things with the fruit of our lips.

THAT lesson is either great or it makes you squirm. I've done both.

K

It isn't easy to do. I've said some stuff I wish I had never
uttered over the years. The older I get, the harder I try to
keep my mouth shut! Words can be killers. And it's hard to repair broken relationships.

Why will I prolong my agony..they are other woman stayed in a bad marriage was because for their children, but if things doesn't really working out no matter how you want to keep it the way it should be, better to end the relationship. It's also hard for the children seeing their parents always fighting over nonsense things.

And we create or destroy things with the fruit of our lips.
i love that line kate
i also think you wrote a wonderfull letter, i be with some thought your a wonderfull antie and women to be around.

EW good advice and stratigie regarding your kids and you worrieing yourself sick about them, good stratigie.

relatives kids, frends it all hard when situasions about relashionships come up and what we say and how we effected by what we hear, getting balanse right so hard at times.


a lot of love wisdom and understandings needed all around whenever relashionships come up don'tya thinbk

I too would like the definition of a "bad Marriage" explained. Of course, that cannot be done because each individual expereience has it's own definition.

I am in a marriage that I am am questioning just that. It is "too bad to stay and too good to go". I was very disrespected by my husband (broke our partnership, while I was away on vacation with my 23 yr old duaghter= hired someone to do my work in our business.) That was one year ago and I have been searching out my new "career" and looking at my options at age 53 and coming up with nothing too exciting.

I am recently wondering if the trust was so broken in my heart that I simply cannot forgive. I am wondering why I think being angry willhelp me move forward and I cannot come up with the answer. He has apologized several times asking me what he can do show me that he loves me. He is happy. I am depressed and still sad that I cannot seem to find that passion for life, work etc.

I have hired a Life coach and I do not know if that will help. They are very expensive...but this is one "career' that I have thought I might enjoy and doesnt' require 3-4 years of college training. I was a full-time mom for 25 years. I am married for 31 years to this man. I was one of those women who got pregnanat and decided to get married. I loved being a mom and it was very easy for me. I now see that I had no support for developing myself outside of being a mother and that all women need to have that for themselves.....

How Long Do you stay in a Bad Marriage? I don't know. I even bought, for $400; the Mort Fertel Marriage Boot Camp and can't seem to get through it. I guess I am tired of "working" on creating love, even though I know it can be "made."

Athena

No one can make anyone love them... Love isn't made it is earned, deserved if all goes as it should. However it's anyones guess as to how long to stay in a marriage, good or bad LOL!!!!

OOPS, I almost forgot to say WELCOME ATHENA

Hi, Athena: Welcome! My name is Alice (just joined). I stayed in an abusive "marriage" for 31 years (36 in all), and finally through excruciating self-talk, reading, etc...got a divorce.

There is a book: "Too Good To Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum.....the awfulest (just made that up) thing is that NO ONE can really help you make the decision.

Are your needs being met? I think that is a good question. i am not sure what your husband did, but you sound as you feel betrayed. Anger is good and necessary; it tells you there is something wrong and needs to be addressed.

I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group; if you'd ever like to talk, I'd be honored to be a part of what is happening in your life.

I went back to school at age 61, and won a women's scholarship; it was easy; all I had to do was write about my life.

I've written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and just met ChattyLady here, and sent her my manuscript today. I took money out of my retirement to get it published; always living on the edge.

I try to do it now and say it now, because tomorrow or the next second isn't promised to us.

www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com.....over 16,100 hits so far (what happened to me as I fought spiritual abuse for 18 months after getting a divorce).

Lovely to meet you here...as I tell my clients.....keep talking! It helps.

PS "Marriage boot camp?" Wouldn't that take 2?

My picture is the second one down from the top; still can't figure out how to get it to attach to my messages; I am a dancer, singer, writer and poetess.

Computers are not in my lexicon!

Love and hugs, Alice

Geesh, before all you ladies get out your pitch forks and storm my castle gates, hating me for breaking the bank on poor Alice, please know that my fee for editing is less than any editor around and my clients that have checked, tell me that.

I just finished one of three jobs where I charged a woman with a manuscript of 206 pages a $1.50 a page which was $309.00 and her last quote from another editor for the same exact manuscript was $1000.00 for minimal errors, or if too many errors, she then add's on $500.00 more. Thats ridiculous and most editors do not even edit for continuity of story as I do. Thats one of the most important thing publishers look for.

My fee has been $1.25 for several years with my having just raised it to $1.50 per page to help cover the rise in material costs, etc.

Okay so is it safe for me to leave the castle now?? I need groceries.

Your castle is safe! Your rates are very reasonable!


The drawbridge is down, and you may go and get those groceries!

Love, Alice