Keeping marriage alive at midlife

I thought it might be fun to share some tips on keeping our marriages alive at midlife. Anyonw care to share what they're doing that's helpful and fun?

More spontaneity with our sex life. When both kids were around all the time it was difficult to find a place and time. Now that one's gone and the other is out of the house a lot, we're taking advantage of it!

When we both have a day off there's always a lot of work around the yard to do. We put on the outside music and take frequent breaks always complimenting the other of the progress made. We have a drink, take time to laugh and sometimes we have an old fashioned make-out session in the garage. I always try to think of what attracted me to him in the first place and that helps even when he bugs me!!!!

We play Cribbage at least once/a day during meals. That keeps conversations going....unless he's mad at me for CREAMING his butt!

Taking drives, even to Lowes, is nice. No computers, phone calls, emails etc. Just US.

Yeah, the spontaneous "rolling in the hay" is always nice. But, we've always had that benefit!

Although, when all four dogs are in the house, it's kinda difficult! They always want to play or be in our laps. We just "shoo" the outside!

Dancing, amen to that. Our daughter leaves for college Sunday and we're empty nesters again. It definitely has an impact on the sex life. I can't stand wondering if the kids can hear. Okay, TMI!

LJ, we also do yard work together. I do the gardening part, he does the lawn. And on those hot summer days, sometimes we end with an ice cold beer on the patio.

Di, tell me more about Cribbage... I have to laugh about your Lowe's dates. Sometimes we run to CVS together and call it a CVS date. THat's especially when all the kids were living here.

Cribbage is a wonderful thinking game! It was developed, I think in the United Kingdom for kings and queens. The dealer gets a "crib" or small pile of four cards, hence the name.

If you love to work with numbers, adding up to "15", "runs, ie: straight", flushes, pairs, etc....you'll love it!

For years, DH would talk about it and I'd never heard of it nor played it. But, he taught me and I ran with it! Do a Google on it!

Now we also found the boards were to small for "boomer" eyes, so DH made our own "senior" board.....out of oak. It's beautiful! Larger wholes for marking the score and we use nails instead of the tiny pegs they have in the cheap sets.

We are both addicted! It may take some time to "get it", but once you do, it's a blast.

Keep the tips coming ladies - I need all I can get. Thanks

Dancing, learning a foreign language and taking up new hobbies. We've found that the more adventuresome we are the more exciting it is. Recently we did a zip-line in Alaska. (His idea, not mine) Definitely exciting. We are beginning a "must do" list and taking turns as to which one we do - its lots of fun.

We do some of the very ordinary things, but we do them together. Walking the dog together almost every night. Walking to the courthouse park and sitting on the bench to read our books (how old fogey is that?). Walking into town for lunch or dinner. Movies, church, visiting the kids, food shopping, etc. Walking up to the Friday night Feet on the Street in Towson (block party with a band). We'll also sit on the patio and read the paper or books at the same time. NOthing too much out of the ordinary as you can tell.

savvy, I love your idea of trying something adventurous together, or taking a class together. I'm wondering what that could be for us? Hmmm.... I must get the creative juices flowing for a combined list. Another good idea. So your list is activities that both of you wnat to do together? Kinda like a couple's bucket list?

Dotsie, I have read all your comments referring to your marriage and husband Ross, they makes me ache for my husbands that passed. I know my first husband and I would have always been close and happy we were so uch in love, and I was that happy with my second husband, we spent all our time together for the time we had with no changes in sight. Besides loving him, I liked him so much and he was my best friend. Like you and Ross. I am happy for the two of you and envious in a nice way though. Having someone wondeful to grow old with is a blessing.

Keeping a marriage alive does still mean doing some long standing favourite things together that feel like a comfortable pair of walking shoes on a long journey together.

Keeping the lively zip and alert wonder of each other, does mean a willingness to learn some new things together BUT also each person learn new things themselves and come back each day to their partner to share new insights.

Above knowing how to communicate deeply and also in fun way at times also.

I agree, Orchid. It does take two people's willingness to keep things alive. If one partner is not into it, it becomes a huge effort from the other and causes heartache. Two people must be invested in the challenge of keeping things alive.

I just popped in and it is exciting to hear such wonderful stories. You go girls!

I think respecting the partner...both doing this.Just the whole person and all they are..I also feel that the deepening love I have for my husband is as enriching as that first attraction.
The shared experiences matter to me.All the days we worked together to keep our household and rear our children.Not only the holidays...the ordinary days.
Commitment and treating someone as I would want to be treated.
We laugh a lot...give each other space and have done throughout the years.By space I mean time to develop each persons talents and skills .But always touching base and knowing this is the important place.
Mountain ash

Laughing with my husband does it for me. Infact it acts like an aphrodisiac. I think smileys even turn me on.

My husband tends to get caught up in serious discussions about politics, crime and global warming…I’m fine with discussing those things…but please;….not hours on end.

So when we do get silly together it’s like a fresh breeze, and I feel togetherness then. I often have to be the instigator of humour, but he catches on and even likes it. So as long as he wants to see the light side of life with me, then I think that is the best way we can battle some of those midlife doldrums.

edelweiss, great reminder to keep humor alive. Ross and I laugh at the most ridiculous things. We've shared so many experiences through the years, that sometimes, all it takes is one word to set us off. Old sayings, or words about past funny times can often set us off in to laughing attacks. It's even happened in church, and our congregation is pretty stiff. Try sitting there with your shoulders jumping up and down and tears rolling out of your eyes over a simple word the minister mentioned in his sermon.

I beleive you are the humor instigator in your marriage. No surprise here.

Greet my husband at the door after a long day at work wearing nothing but an apron and a smile...

Turn off the TV and talk.

Share in the gardening, going to the store, walking Molly, help each other in the kitchen after meals.

Compliment each other on how much we appreciate what the other does. Men especially need to know they're appreciated...I forget sometimes and can tell when he needs that. It's so funny...Larry will turn on the dishwasher so the dishes will be clean later...he lets me know he's done that and I'll praise him as if he'd just killed a dragon...it makes him beam with pride.

I guess it's not taking the other person for granted and giving him space when he's in his cave...man time to solve the problems of the world...he comes back out refreshed and able to give me the attention I need. I didn't know a lot of these things in prior marriages...but, thankfully, I know them now and it makes all the difference. John Gray has helped me understand a man so much...in fact, Larry is the one who gave me my first Mars and Venus book.

We have a ritual when Larry leaves for work. We give each other hugs and kisses in the house, then at the car...and then I run to the window seat windows and do something to make him laugh as he drives past...one day I took bubba teeth and put them in my mouth and gave him a come hither look...another, I shimmied for him, another I put a lamp share on my head...just silly stuff that he's not expecting...and then I watch his car drive away until I can't see it anymore...I like knowing that as he's leaving for another day of work that I was able to put a smile on his face.

Love notes in his lunch box...always...and love notes on his mirror, toilet seat, shower stall...underwear.

Don't embarass or humilitate or say hateful things to each other...we have our disagreements but we don't say and do things that might tear and hurt the other.

Do we have a perfect marriage? Of course not...but, it's damn close. To have found this relationship at the age of 52 and have such a strong marriage is a miracle and a blessing.

Never give up if you're still hoping to find someone...I'm proof that it can happen.

Dotsie,

Your topic caught my eye because we just celebrated our 35th anniversary - unbelievable! I'm betting there are other here with just those kinds of numbers!

I think one very important element to lasting, fun marriage is to encourage eachother to pursue passions and interests that lead an ongoing sense of individuality and contribution. Accomplishment is no less important an emotion when you are past 50 than it is decades before!

It's fun to read everyone's comments!

Lani

Lani, great idea. I can't think of anything worse than being in a marriage with someone who doesn't encourage you to be the best you can be, but sadly, I know a couple marriages like that. For the most part, the couples are older, so I hope our generation awakened to being the best we can be in a marriage.

Respect and common interests are extremely important, IMO. Hubby and I enjoy the same, yet different TV programming. He has his
TV and I have mine but we watch together sometimes. We like the
same type foods. We enjoy the outdoors and geocaching together.
We like to go RVing and see the countryside. We like the same
type music: bluegrass and country/western. Many of you have wonderful ideas. And I agree with them all.

i not getting at people who complaine about marrage as at times we all need to share a burden someweer but it is nice to see a strong positive post about the good bits of marriage, it warms my hart

You know, I've been so wrapped up with my own problem, I never really looked at other posts, until now. This topic caught my eye and it's cheered me up tremendously. Glad to hear that others are keeping with marriages alive by laughter, silliness and anything else that pops into their head.

I actually remember putting notes in my husbands lunch box. Shame, those times are long gone. But I still stay positive

Sorry, had to log off quickly.

What I wanted to say was that I'm normally a cheerful person. I love to laugh and joke, etc. My husband and I probably could have had a good marriage, if he hadn't changed so drastically. His loss!

It's refreshing to hear everyone's stories. Keeps my faith going.

I agree that a sense of humor is really, really important. (Expat, not sure you know......you can edit your posts after you post them)

A sense of humor is important just to maintain life!

FOr those interested - the NABBW did a teleseminar yesterday about Finding Love in 90 Days. And for those who are married, we're doing another on in February about keeping the love alive. There's more information on our homepage.

Thank you!

Funny, I came to this forum right after being in the pole dancing forum. Now that's a way to keep a marriage alive!

IMO, if two people love each other, marriage should keep itself
alive. Respect, admiration, celebrating each other's humanity,
ought to be the spark that light's the fire! Go ahead and laugh
at me. But that's my opinion!

Two couples came over for dinner today. We haven’t seen them for a long time, so we had a lot of catching up to do. After dinner, the men moved off to themselves to talk sports, and we ladies poured ourselves another cup of coffee. We were having a great time, when one of my friends said she’s so glad she and her Hubby came to visit, because they haven’t been talking to each other for the past few days. My other friend laughed and said she and her Hubby got in a stupid fight this morning, and haven’t spoken a word, not even during their long car ride to our place. I really cracked up, because my Hubby and I fought about how I should set the table, (Can you believe it,…he wants to tell me how to set the table!), and we were totally exasperated with one another when the doorbell rang.

Venting makes the own problems seems so common and normal. It pulls the rug out under from the self righteousness attitude. I love venting with friends. It never fires me up…it heals me.

I have to agree 100% with both jabber and Edelweiss's comments above. Just when you think you're in the marriage game alone you find out there are countless other couples playing the same game.

Venting is awesome. And IMO anybody married any length of time
will have arguments; ups and downs; and segments 'n seasons, when they wish they'd stayed single. Ed3, that's a new one,
a man telling a woman how to set the table. That makes me laugh! But WB has rearranged and redecorated a platter of food before
I set it on the table in front of company. Guys are something! Some of our problems, IMO, are gender differences. Don't you think? It's like that song: "When you see a deer, you see Bambi; and I see antlers hung on the wall." WB sees one thing. I see another. WB hears one thing. I hear another. Twenty-five percent of the time, I don't even know what the heck he's talking about.

I think a sense of humor is vitally important in a marriage, but obviously, it isn't the only thing that will save it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be divorced for almost 17 years. Come to think of it, he WAS the joke....bwwwahahahah....ahem.

To me, the bottom line is that you have to recognize these creatures call men wear a different set of eyes, ears, and mindsets than what women wear. As someone has already pointed out, they think differently, hear and process things differently, and they react TOTALLY different than we would to most "situations."

But one thing that kept me in the marriage was looking at him and saying to myself, "If you died tomorrow, would this fight we're having matter?" Usually, the answer was clear and loud---NO! But after some other "THINGS," the answer I gave myself was "he better sleep with one eye open."

Whattttt?

You're a riot!

Look out! Jawjaw's has the iron frying pan! Don't go to sleep
there, dude! Well, I got divorced in '79; but it wasn't a choice of mine. This little blonde showed up at the door, and I couldn't pick myself off the floor! LOL...! This 'tis suppose to
be funny! It's a yoke! Kind of...

Okay! Here's some stuff to keep marriage alive at midlife.
For intimate sharing, buy some strawberry, or flavor of choice,
Sweet Sensations, warming massage oil; and in pursuit of passion, super motion lotion! Those will add spice to life!!!!

Alrighty, I bought some, rubbed it all over me, waiting >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> still waiting >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>okay, two hours and still waiting, nothing happening!!! So its not like rubbing a magic lamp I guess, huh???

A hot breath, warms that stuff! LOL...heehaw...

Love what jj said, creatures called men wear a different set of eyes, ears and mindsets than women. True. True. True.

CREATURES hummm, now that makes perfect sense.

Yes. It do...

Sometimes I wonder why it seems necessary to spend so much time when married trying to keep the spark alive. I don't ever remember trying to do that and one of my marriages lasted fourteen years, before he passed away.
We just went along day after day doing the ordinary things married people do. There was no particular effort put on keeping anything alive, it was alive and kicking. Were we special, or are there others who sustain their marriage without having to force anything?

Great point chatty. I'd have to say that while raising the kids, we made sure we had some kind of date or time together every week. Back then, we dhad to make an effort to do so. Now, we have almost all our time to ourselves.

Here's the scoop that's posted in another forum about the teleseminar the NABBW is doing this week:

Ladies, here is a heads up about an upcoming Teleseminar called, "Successful Marriages - Find the bliss ... And keep it!"

Join us on Thursday, February 26, at 3:00 pm EST, when Joanie Winberg, NABBW Divorce expert, and founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, will be offering the members of the NABBW key tips for finding the bliss in your marriage, and importantly, how it keep it!

Joanie will be offering 5 Tips on How to Enjoy a Happy Marriage and Keep it That Way and as always, they will be followed with a "Question and Answer" period at the end.

If you would like to feel like you did when you were dating your mate, or if you want more excitement, a deeper connection, or maybe just want to feel heard, then join us and learn 5 tips that will re-energize your marriage and create the marriage you have always dreamed of. Learn the surprising reasons people are sabotaging their marriages and how you can avoid this pitfall!


To register for the call, click HERE!

what... insecure, paronoid, and vaglie amused all the time? lol

sorry that was a joke (and ment at no one in particulare lol )

teleseminare sounds good.

id like to know the answere to that one too chattie?

is it an attitude thing previlent to todays times, divorce being easier,

or when younger people just more in the day coping with the caose of gettign to know each other or dealing with jobs, kids etc.

mj scott clames love only reallie begines or we only really learn love properlay for most or can be called love properly AFTER 10 years of marrige. Anyone agree?

Be sure that the couple maintain good communication, when both reach home from work be sure to share what had happen to you the whole just to have a simple conversation.