What would you do?

I was reading about Chatty finding out a man she went out with lied to her about being married and thought of this question.

If you have a friend and you find out she/he is dating something who is not who they say the are (they're married/use drugs/criminal record/etc)would you tell them?

OR if you have a friend who is married and you find out their spouse is cheating on them, would you let him/her know?

Have any of you had this come up and if so, what did you do or not do?

lol do you have something to say to me dee?!!???

i can give an example of a good frend (male ) being infertile. He meet date and moved in a younger ladie who wanted familie. I said nuthing about his infeartilitie as it might onlie have lasted a mounth or so and i din't think it my place.

Time went on i forgott about it untill about 1 yr into their relashionship she started talking about having kids, said she been trying and so had he! So i went to him to say tell her its not faire.
Time went on and i knept presurising him to tell her and dieing with guilt inside everytime she chatted to me about having kids. It got very painfull.

He din't tell her and another women did, in an argument. I was their at the time and never seen anyone look so devistated, she looked at me and asked so i confirment it as the truth.

on settling home after the argument we had a cofe and i said why i had't told her and i din't understand why he hade't told her either and it was for her to ask him .

it took explaining and some time wto work out but thir stikll together as a couple and planning to adopt or foster or something else.

that was hardest secrite i held to myself in my life.

oh iv a frend well both frends from a recentlie split up couple who been living single lifes for year or so now in seperate homes.
She is dating he dose't know and i won't be saying anything. I won't be seeing him either.

Ther definatlie apart and no trust is being broken or voews between them. So i don't considere this my bussness and won't say anything.

I am not sure about the telling of criminal record or drugs etc at this time? i don't know why either so i have to think about it.

good question dee,

Dee, I think it really depends on how close I am to the friend. If it was a dear, close friend, I absolutely would because I would want to know if I were in her shoes.

Sometimes I think women know their men cheat, but they just don't want to admit it because of all the changes it might require. Anyone else think that?

I agree, Dotsie, it would depend on how close I am to that person. Fortunately, I've never been put in that situation. It's easy to say what I would do, but I think I would be afraid of hurting that person or losing her friendship. But on the other hand, it she was a very close friend, I think I would have to tell her. There is no easy answer.

The quickest way to lose a best friend is to tell her. The quickest way to lose a best friend is to not tell her and have her find out that you knew. If they stay together, HE doesn't want you around any more. If they don't, it's your fault because you caused the breakup. It's a lose lose situation in many cases.

I kept quiet.

I actually ran into my friend's husband, (he happens to be my cousin), while he was sailing with another woman. Panic was all over his face. He was so afraid I would say something, he told his wife himself. She called the next day and asked me about it. lol. So it took care of itself.

In this case the wife knew her man cheats. They have worked it out, though,...and I'm still the good guy.

what about knowing your frends new person was or had a criminal record, or was a drug user or such. Iv read some of you ladies background cheek some of your suters for such things, so would it be natural for you to informe your frend if you had knowlage of such information?

chick, you're right about the lose/lose. It's never an easy thing to do.

EW, good for your cousin. SOme men would just hope you'd never say anything and let it go.

And again, some women know their husbands cheat and don't do anything about it but suffer in silence. How sad is that?

celtic, good question. I can't say what I'd do. I've been in the situation and prior to being in it, said I would always tell, but I didn't have the guts. I was afraid the person involved with drugs would come after me. Scary thought. And a little selfish on my part, but I want nothing to do with people who do drugs; never have, never will. They are rational so you don't know what you're getting in to.

Wow Dee, thats always a tough question but in my own case once, many years ago, my best friends husband was a real scoundrel and rather than tell her outright and maybe they make up and I become an unwelcomed guest in their now happy home, I typed a note to her, mailed it and waited. The note said:
YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING WITH NOT ONE BUT TWO WOMEN, I named them and told her where they met and when. She did the rest and divorced him. I never did tell her it was me. Don't look for credit for something so hurtful.

There is an even better story concerning a cheating husband that was cheating 'with' my cousin and on her as well, a real jackass this guy was.
I trapped him in my bed, naked and when she walked in he had quite a time trying to explain that one. I wish you could have seen his face. Oh, she was mad as hell at me for sometime until she realized I has saved her from leaving her husband and three darling kids for some slimeball. That was a fate I was willing to save her from.

Geez, what a story. You trapped a naked man in your bed?! Did you hide his clothes or what?

I was married to a guy who cheated on me, and really wish I had a clue. I'm really blind sided by certain kinds of people, and never used to figure that someone close to me would lie. It doesn't make sense to me. Do you want to be married or don't you? if you don't, then say so and let's split up. If you do, then why are you fooling around with other women? My ex owned a bunch of stores, so he had so many convenient alibis -- maybe he was even sleeping with the store managers, who knows? These days, in the age of AIDS, I think it's a dangerous thing to be sleeping with someone who might be sleeping around. So in the name of public health, I'd tell -- and definitely would have wanted to be told.

No Di, I told her he was a slimeball and she said she didn't believe me and that he told her I might say that because he loved her and not me. DAH!!! This guy loved everyone that was breathing. Anyway we all hung out at the Holiday Inn in the dance club. She was married so had to go home early most nights. After he said his good nights to her, back he'd come slippen and a sliden around all the women there. He zeroed in on me more than once, so one night I told him okay but he needed to come to my place as I didn't want anyone to see us and tell Patty, my cousin! He said okay and we planned for that Friday, because I knew it was her husbands bowling night and she could get out. Whew, long winded story!

I called her the next day, Wednesday and told her I had something urgent to show her. Thats when she told me she was going to run away with Charlie, the slimeball, the following month. I told her that it was imperative that she use her key to my home, and to be as quiet as a mouse, to let herself in at exactly 11:00 p.m. and come down the hall to my bedroom. She gave me her word. Charlie arrived about 10:00 p.m. and I fixed him a couple of drinks and when he got frisky I unbuttoned my blouse and flirtingly said, you go down to my bedroom, get naked, and I will be there with a surprise for you. He hurried down the hall, I put music on and stripped down to my black lace slip and bra. I went down the hall as slow as possible and there he was, looking like a featherless flamingo, all pink and ugly. I did a little dance to get him more worked up, until I heard the door lock click, then I got on the bed and said, okay Charlie whose the man? By then with him trying devour me, in walked my cousin. Bam!!!! He jumped up, couldn't get his clothes on fast enough and blamed the entire thing on me supposedly getting him drunk, but she could see he was stone cold sober.

She told him to leave and when he started to stutter some stupid excuse, I took the gun from the nightstand drawer and faster than a speeding bullet, Charlie was gone.

She was out of control and she slapped me and said some nasty stuff but I knew she was just devastated. She called two days later and said thank you to me, could I ever forgive her, that she knew I hated Charlie and how much she knew I loved her to risk doing such a thing to prove he was a loser and not worth ruining her life over...(By the way Charlie never did anything but fumble around, never touched me.) I'm just gald she got there as planned.

Patty and her husband Bill have been together now 54 years and she never cheated ever again.

Haven't a clue what happened to Charlie, he never came around again that I saw. I heard his wife caught him with someone and divorced him...

You know, some men never completely grow up, they just bigger (not big in the way they think, but fatter).

Wow...chatty...you are a brave woman to do that. Whoa!!!

I like Chatty's idea of sending a note. Wives usually know if
their husband cheats. But that is still a difficult question,
there, Dee. You're a wise gal. Do whatever you think is best!

Personally, I like honesty in my friends.

I think there are some women out there that know their husbands are cheating and have learned to accept that situation. I would guess, however, this is not the norm.

When I was very young (please forgive me, girls) I thought I was in love with a married man and he with me. We even ran away together. After a week of living together in San Diego, I looked at him and told him he bored me. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. As I said, I was very young.

Cheating on a partner is one of my non-negotiables in a relationship. (Please understand, girlfriends, I was only 19)I would never, ever, under any circumstances cheat sexually or emotionally on any man. I have partnered with real sh**s, and I didn't cheat. I can not accept that behavior from someone else.

But that wasn't the question, was it?

No, I would not tell. I would say to the cheater, however, that they are confused about what love is all about. I would suggest they seek professional help.

I'd have to tell my friend. I would want to know and I would give my friend the honesty I needed myself.

Hopefully it wouldn't come to any gun play but I'm comfortable with a gun so I wouldn't be frightened of a druggie.

Dancer9

Chatty, helluva story, thanks for sharing.

If folks want to cheat, then they should stay single! Joy Behar
has lived with her boyfriend for 18 years. There's a couple
around here who have been engaged for 25 years. Guess marriage is
too scary for 'em. Marriage and cheating just don't fit together!

On the other hand, I have known people who think swapping
partners is good for a marriage. What say you????

I just want to ring in here and say that I, personally, find swingers, swappers, disgusting and people who have sexual problems far and beyond the swapping part.

they need pros for what they want. I steer clear, way clear!

Dancer, who thinks the best lovers are Italians and Dancers!
LOLOLOLOL.

hmmmmm i dunno jabber.

i have knowen coples to have open relashionships with very strick rules on dating seeing having sex with others. They certinly get to meet their jelousie and insecuritie issues head on. Somehow it still works for them. In this instanse theirs no breaking of trust or chearting. remberring safe sex also 9as safe as it can get)

I think the cheating and trust braking is what dose the harm.

if swapping is mutulie consensule and no harm is being done then id leave it as the coples owen bussness.

Just in case its mistread i am not defending my owen postion in life with this swapping bussness

I'm with dancer. Why get married if you want multiple partners?

Swinging clubs? Oh, I belong to several.

hahahahahaha..did I shock you all?

The only thing I like to swing on is my garden swing under our big cherry tree. sigh

Women with low self-esteem and morals to match, marry for security and then cheat. They never find true love with the husband who is usually a good guy, or the men they cheat with, scoundrels who are usually also married.

Swinging, swapping or key toss parties are for people lost and looking for something they 'think' is missing in their rerlationships. What is missing is within themselves and some people never find it, and they never will no matter how many people they bed.

Oh, God give me strength. I want to weigh in on this BIG time but need a little time and the words. No, I am not a swinger but it's a huge issue for us and has been since the beginning. It invades my heart and mind daily and am not sure how to deal with it. I will say more....when I dare. As for cheating, I lost my husband of 30 years due to his infidelity and was totally blind-sided. In some ways, I still can't believe what he did was real. When I have time and space here, I will elaborate.

Thank goodness, I'm celibate. I have no one to swing to or swing from. LOL!!! Not that I'm likely to do it anyway even if I had someone to swing to or swing from. LOL!!!

Me too Lola and plan on staying that way, gentleman friends or not. Sorry guys out there, but the drawbridge has been lifted...

chatty, I agree with your post #175865. It's very sad, but probably true.

Key toss parties? I've never heard of that, but I'm guessing at what that is. Holy Moly. I've lived a sheltered life.

LJ, we have patience for when you want to share. And if you don't, that's cool too. I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

A key toss party is when group of swinging couples gather together to have what appears to be the normal kind of games, and refreshment party. But when each couple arrives, the man tosses his keys into a deep basket or bowl that no one can see inside of. As the night comes to a close each woman draws out a set of keys ffrom the basket/bowl and the man they belong to leaves with her for a night of whatever they want it to be. The next day he takes her home. These are usually neighborhood couples and NO singles are allowed.

you crake me up sometimes lol. in fact lmao

LIke Dotsie, I'm quite protected in my world. I've never known ANYONE personally either in person or by internet, of these practices. But now I realize how awfully real it is in hopefully rare cases. Not just something part of a novel plot or movie plot.

There is no way I could tolerate swinging, key toss parties, whatever. I would choose to be alone then.

Unfortunately they are very real and not hidden! We have a hotel down by the beach that features sw*ngers parties that are a huge happening in their ballroom and solely for them...of all ages....and so many more.