Help me not be upset at DH!

Ladies, I need help.

I do not like it when I get angry at DH when I find crumbs, things not put back in the fridge, wrappers not thrown away, dishes not put in the sink, socks rolled up in a ball...you get the drift.

A friend told me a long time ago, that when I get mad, remind myself that I am "cleaning up for Jesus", serving Him.

Why am I having problems with this? I don't LIKE feeling angry or resentful when he is not a cleaner-upper like I am. I KNOW it's one of my jobs to take care of my husband, but I need an attitude adjustment. He is not a housewife and does not notice the details that I do.

How do YOU handle this??

Well, Di,

Has it occurred to you that maybe Jesus hasn't any part in this scenario at all? It seems to me, that this is a simple problem. Your husband does not pick up after himself because he doesn't have to. You do it. In my estimation, Jesus doesn't need any cleaning up, so you are not "cleaning up for Jesus"; he's already a stand-up, clean-freaky kind of guy. It really is your husband that needs to get the picture.

You are not his Mother. The two of you need to get this idea firmly in your heads....Both of you. You both need to understand that this is a partnership, not a one-way-street. And, in my view, it is NOT your job to take care of your husbands messes, but to help each other take care of your lives together - meaning firstly your responsibilities toward one another and your household, and secondly your spiritual responsibilites to each other. Not necessarily in that order.

Remind yourself that a man such as Jesus would never expect anyone to clean up after him. He was known to "clean up" after others........(I am referring to spiritual "messes", but any mess will do).

If I sound exhaperated (sp? for sure), I am sorry to say that this is how I feel. Di, my dear girl, these are problems that do not take religion to solve...save those for the truly important matters of earth.....Somebody help me here!!!!! Hear all you Faithful Ones out there and help this girl out!!!

I don't mean to make small of your problem. This is no small problem. But it can be solved more readily by common sense than by references to Jesus. Honest.

Well, I'll try to be more concrete with my advice in the future, short of that, I hope someone here will come to your aid.

Searcher

Hey Di, I'm with Searcher on this one. Maybe you can try to do what I really did with my son.
Anything he left around, I picked up, put it in a large!!! trash bag, and in my trunk. When I found he was digging in my trunk, I'd put the bags in the back of my office. One week, each bag. On the floor, out of place, he looses it.
After yelling how he needed this and that....too bad...play by the rules or loose. He became a clean freak! When he had gone away to college, my hus, son and I walked into his apt, emtied the suitcases, on the floor, I made sure I dripped the coffee in the sink and on it...
and woah! did we hear it from him! But..he finally realized what we went through w/ him being home.....he laughs about it today...try it...it works!!!

Another thought, forget the cleaning for Jesus stuff, sandpiper is right on w/ that one...
Someone once told me...point the finger and you will see the thumb is pointing right back to you.
Di, the only attitude adjustment you need is...
remember what Sandpiper said. You are not his mother. Leaving his "stuff" behind is not showing you any respect whatsover. You can try
(I know it is very hard) doing the same, trust me, he'll notice.

I know what you have been taught. "Do all things as unto the Lord." Right? But, do you really think the Lord created you to pick up your husband's socks and dirty underwear when he has two good hands and can walk to the clothes hamper or the waste basket or sink??!!

Jesus himself said the husband is to be as Christ, willing to give his life for his bride. Giving up your life doesn't necessarily mean laying on a cross (although it can under different circumstances...) but it means willingness to lay down your bad habits, some of your preferences, putting the "weaker" vessel first.

If he truly loves you, he will learn, perhaps with a little respectful, loving, nudging, that you were meant for better things and his responsibility is to see to it that your load is light and your burden isn't heavy, especially not at his doing.

I'm going to take another avenue. Granted, my husband and I lived apart for two years because he took a job in another state and my stubborness kept me in TN (among other reasons) but today, I pick up his wet towels, socks, etc. with great joy.

I thank God that he's alive and works hard to provide for us. To me, picking up after him is small compared to what he does for me.

We both use humor in regards to this. He has this habit of kicking off his shoes and placing them under the kitchen island. I decided to just leave them there to see what kind of collection would form. At five pairs, we decided it was his new shoe closet.

However, if you are in an unhappy marriage, it could become irritating. I guess there are many things to consider but this is just my input.

Dianne, you're right too. If you truly love your husband and if he treats you with kindness and respect, it probably is a gift of love to him to pick up after him. If he smeared peanut butter all over the countertop and dropped bread crumbs all over the floor and left a potty ring for you to scrub...it might take the silver out of the cloud though.

I guess what I'm hearing is that we should all feel the freedom in our relationships to choose whether or not to give this gift of love and appreciation.

I thought of something this morning that I had forgotten. I once took what I thought was a dorky class on marriage and relationships. In this class though we were given this analogy of a love tank. They said each of us had a love bank and that its up to the spouse to fill it with words, compliments, thoughtfulness, respect, etc. It was said that if our spouse makes too many withdrawals from the love bank without making any deposits to it, it becomes overdrawn. When its overdrawn, picking up smelly socks is a chore and not a gift of love. I know my love bank is empty right now and I'm happy for those whose love bank accounts are full.

I have been divorced for many years....I only have myself to pickup after. It would be welcoming to have someone who I can relate too, have loving relationship with and share my life with....I don't think I would mind picking up his socks....or doing whatever as long as we do it together and he picks up MY dirty socks sometimes.
I taught my son to help out and he does all the cleaning, cooking, and washing when he is not working and his wife is.....This is the key to a good relationship...It is being together and doing for each other.
On the other hand, if you hate the one your with, then you might resent this...If so, do what I did, get divorced...but someday you will be alone and not want to be
KaseyC

Actually, my original questions was "Help me not be upset at DH". I WANT to do these things but change my attitude about doing them. I do not want to resent him. Nor do I disrespect him. He is a wonderful husband.

So, Dianne, you have helped me greatly.

This may be morbid, but if DH were to die today,I'd long to be able to pick up his messes,socks etc. Think of the widow: would she not give anything to trade places with me?

I'm praying for God to change my heart. I WANT to serve my husband as head of me...as Christ is the head of DH.

Thank you all for this perspective.

[ March 09, 2006, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: Di ]

There are really so many ways to look at all this. I, too, have gotten on my husband's case so many times for not picking up. I guess I could never understand how someone would not take care of their own "stuff". I like a clean, uncluttered house, but it doesn't bother him as much. So I decided either to leave it, and not let it bother me or clean it up and not say anything because I was cleaning up because I like it clean! I've even tried the "if you really loved me, you'd do this because it's important to me!!". Now I just decide each time how I want to deal with it.
I DO resent playing the role of his "MOM" and how will my boys ever learn if they see dad leaving stuff for his wife?
I will say though, he HAS gotten better since I stopped yelling about it.

Well, since I don't have children, there are none to emulate him. BUT, I'm willing to bet when his new baby granddaughter grows up and is a frequent visitor, he WILL be on his best behavior!!

Right, I am not his mother. But he is not my gardener...though he does the gardening anyway....and the building and landscaping and cars and helps with my business and, and, and.

So, the "tankful" is relative here!

I wrote an article about this very subject a few years ago. I dug it out and posted it here.


Five Ways to Nag Your Husband Without Being a Nag

This message is for the wives. You know who you are. You've asked your husband fifteen times to pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor and each time he just walks right by them.

We've all been there.

Raise your hand.

Yes, me too. I became this parrot that repeated itself, constantly. "Pick up your socks." "It's garbage night, don't forget." "Have you fixed the kitchen counter yet?" "Did you remember to stop at the bank today?"

"Squa-awk!"

So, here's a little test. You may need to read this article if you:

A. Find yourself constantly reminding your husband to do things he hasn't gotten around to doing yet.
B. Count your husband as an additional child when someone asks how many children you have.


A while ago my answer to this little test would have been a resounding "YES!" Not anymore. Here's why. Oh, and I'll get back to the dirty socks story in a minute.

1. Use Positive Reinforcement

Be very vocal and forth willing with your praise. No matter how insignificant you may think his contributions are, pay tribute to him for each task.

Did he rinse his plate and put it in the dishwasher? Mention that you noticed and how happy that made you. Did he take his plate from the table to the kitchen? Another reason to praise him! Your husband loves you and wants to please you. But, he can't read your mind. If you show him what pleases you, he'll remember. And he'll do it again.


2. Use the Bartering System

Another easy way to help your husband with his list of chores is to exchange a chore for a chore. Work out a chore/task agreement that suits you both. Of course, neither one of you are going to willingly take on the chore of cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry, so some sacrifices will have to be made. Use this to your advantage. For doing the laundry each week, you get one night off cooking. Even if you get to order a pizza. Don't break your budget.

Or, for keeping the vehicles in tip-top shape, hubby gets his favorite home-cooked meal. And, if that means using his mother's recipe, do it. It'd be worth it, wouldn't it? Besides, I bet if you modify the recipe just a little and add your special touch, you might even hear, "Gee, honey, this is just like my mom's!"


3. Keep a central "honey-do" list

This solution has really worked for me. I found a really cheap and easy way to keep track of the list of tasks I ask my husband to do. I bought one of those magnetic marker boards from a discount store. Then I put it in the one place that everyone visits every day - the refrigerator.

On this list, I put all the tasks I ask my husband to do. If I ask him to fix the kitchen drawer, it goes on the list. If I ask him to check the dryer vent, it goes on the list. He finds a sense of satisfaction in crossing off items once he's completed them and I find a sense of satisfaction that I don't have to nag him constantly about what to do. It's on the list and he sees it every time he opens the refrigerator.


4. Enlist technology's assistance

My husband uses his computer for everything. It turns on and off security lights, monitors servers, and even runs the lights and pumps on his saltwater aquariums.

So, why not let the computer remind him when a task needs to be done? This worked out well for both of us. We use Microsoft Outlook and all I have to do is send my husband a "task" notice with what I want him to do. I can set the reminder option to even remind him when it's due. I can also set recurring tasks. For instance, every Sunday night he receives a reminder that the trash needs to go out.

No longer do I nag my husband about what needs to be done. His computer does. Because of this handy touch of technology, he no longer complains to me about telling him what to do and when.


5. Find a Place for Everything and Make Sure Everything Has a Place

Do you get frustrated with pens everywhere or not being able to find one when you need to write down a message? Me too. I took a large mug and filled it with all the pens and pencils I could find. Then, I put it right next to the telephone in the kitchen. Then, I trailed everyone by the hand to view the marvel I created. Everyone "ohh'd and ahh'd" over my creation with only the slightest bit of sarcasm, however, I no longer have to hunt for a pen when I'm on the phone.


Simple Enough?
Each suggestion is simple and easy to implement. Before long you and your husband will find other things to talk about like "who told the kids they could stay the weekend at their friends" instead of racing around at 6 am to make sure the trash can is at the curb for pickup. Besides, lighten up. With the kids gone for the weekend, you have the house to yourself!


Now Back to the Sock Story

I've lost count of the number of times I've walked around the same pair of dirty socks in the middle of the hallway or bedroom floor. And, yes, I too, couldn't stand it anymore so I picked them up between my thumb and finger, holding them straight out in front of me as if I'd just picked up a dirty, smelly object. Oh, wait, I just did - my husband's dirty socks!

What did I do with them? I put them in the dirty clothes hamper of course! Was that the end of the dirty socks on the floor? Are you kidding? Of course not!

The very next day there'd be another pair of dirty socks. Just as if they'd sprouted from a tiny seed left by the other pair. Sometimes, if I'd ignore them, they'd multiply, but never in the same place. Oh no, those little demons were too smart to congregate in one place.

I'd find a pair next to the sofa in the living room. Then another next to the bed, on 'his' side, of course. They wouldn't dare try and sprout on my side.

Sometimes, I'd even find a pair in the kitchen. Don't ask me how they got there, I'm not sure I even want to know.

My solution for sprouting socks? I put hampers in easy reach where my husband changes clothes. And, if a sock or two happened to sprout in an unlikely area, I just pull them like weeds and put them in their respective hampers.

Come on, there's more to life than arguing about whose socks are on the floor, right?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Resource Box: Vicki M. Taylor writes thrilling fiction with strong women characters. You can find out more about her at
http://www.vickimtaylor.com

Oh wow,Vicki! I need to read this again and again! Thanks!!!!!!!!! and BIG ol' (((HUGS))) for you!!!!

Great article Vicki and wise words to live by!

I have to laugh at this topic. Probably because I'm fickle.

One day I pick up behind him and the kids with joy. Other days I grumble, "do I look like Cinderella?"

For me, it's all about my mood. And my mood typically has to do with how I've been treated.

My grumble is: Does it say Rochester on my back? If you don't know who Rochester was, shame on you! You just aren't old enough.

I agree, Dotsie. My mood does swing!!

If he's been kind/gentle,then I don't mind. But if he is being a bear, then I will, too!!!

And yes, Dianne.I know Rochester! Wasn't that Jack Benny's sidekick?

[ March 10, 2006, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Di ]

Yep, sure was! I loved that show and wish they ran reruns of it.

What grosses me out about David's socks is his feet are so dry and there are dead skin flakes on his socks. I can't stand that! I'm sure I've now grossed out all of you too! Why don't men care if their skin is dry or not?

Interesting, Dianne...I am married to a David as well. (but he does not have dry skin on his tootsies!!)

[ March 10, 2006, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Di ]

Dotsie, that's what I meant when I said each time I handle it differently!

I also knew who you meant by Rochester. Yay, I'm old enough....

Glad you like my article. I was "truly inspired" one day when I thought I couldn't pick up one more pair of socks.

Yep, I knew who Rochester was... "Oh, Rochester!"

This is indeed an interesting conversation. I think it is something that plagues women. In our early days I had to pick up after my husband, now he keeps his things up. You see, he is an over the road driver. He comes home and does his laundry (not because I won't but because he knows what he wants for the week). He almost never leaves his stuff laying out or about the house, he puts them where he's comfortable with them, in their place.

I have gotten used to not having to do his laundry, fold his clothes for his luggage. He comes home and we can enjoy our time together rather than me being irritated at having to spend the time doing his clothes and such. I know it sounds different, but it is the idea that we want to spend time together, so the little things don't mean as much as they did when we were younger.

My son and daughter in law share the responsibility of the house and chores. Matter of fact, he's the better cook and cleans the house better, but they mostly do it together. I am glad about that because it helps when sharing goes on in a marriage even on the small things.

I remember telling him when it seemed everything bothered me or made me mad--it's not going to be the big things that would ruin a marriage but the everyday little things that bug you to death. After that we worked lots of things out about sharing household things.

Hope that helps. Just my ramblings and opinions.
Sandpiper