The second (or more) marriage

Thanks Di. He ws my brother's friend so I've known him since I was about 13. We started dating when I was 17. I think that's right.

Di, I don't know anyone except 1 person who married someone that they've known since high school. That marriage I mentioned ended in divorce after 14 yrs.

My partner is a grandfather. The grandson is 4 yrs. old. He is the parent of 2 grown children. I don't pretend to be their 2nd/step mother at all. I am Chinese-Canadian and he is German-Canadian. Their birth mother is originally from U.K.

I would not expect his children to warm up to me when already I look very different from them and especially, when I was not the woman to raise them from babyhood.

I think the children relate to their mother abit differently than their father. I know my partner fought in court to have equal live-in time for his children after divorce, but as you know the mother wins. Which can be harder on a father who genuinely cares about their children.

At this time, the children get along well with each of their birth parents. My gut feeling is that his daughter enjoys getting into lengthy intellectual discussions with her father vs. getting more woman-to-woman nurturing from her mother.

As for my role/relationship to the daughter...I'm probably just an older, friendly woman to her that can discuss with her about art, literature sometimes at esoteric levels ...and talk with her about her current job where she teaches English as a 2nd language at private to wealthy visiting students from the Pacific Rim countries. She uses me to bounce off her ideas on relationship dynamics between her, as a white, young female teaching to Asians students --young or middle-aged. She has these theories about Korean, Japanese and Chinese students ...which I'm fascinated to hear about differences/similarities. Some I agree, sometimes I don't agree.

Son is similar in terms of a good relationship with father, though he lives in a different province.

Based on what I've seen in past 5 years, it doesn't appear to me, that my partner is getting the "crumbs" in relationship depth with his children. If the children are/become well-adjusted in their own independent/personal lives, it paves the way to a better relationship to each divorced parent.

In honesty, it is less painful to everyone in our situation, including myself, that I don't try to play the role of a substitute parent for the kids.

It's not that hard for me to be in this role..already I'm a happy aunt to several children in our extended family.

orchid, you are so wise. I believe so much of it is based on expectations.

Kudos to your partner for trying to get custody of his kids. I'm sure they will always remember that.

I'm married to a man I've know since I was 17. We know each other very, very well. It's not my first marriage, my husband and I remained long distance friends since we were kids but both of us traveled for work and spent months,at times, years, in one place then had to move again. When we settled down, we did so together.

So, it's like a long marriage and we know each other's families well from hanging out when we were young but it's only 10 years old!

I would not have married again if it had not been him, someone I have known all my life but never dated until we were over. The chemistry was there but we were married to other people.

I feel very lucky to have made the marriage I did, when I did.

dancer9

Neat story. It reminds me a little of the couples you hear about who meet up again at their high school reunionsa and the chemistry is still there.

It's wonderful having such a long history with someone. You can talk aobut anything or anyone from your childhood and they know who you're talking about.

Dancer your position is one to be admired and envied by some of us that are alone. My first love, my sweetheart from high school passed away after only five years of marriage and a day has not gone by that he doesn't come to mind.

Dotsie, count me in as one of those long-married to the love of her life gals. I first met my husband when I was 15. He was a young Marine, just turned 20, and one of his sisters was my good friend. He and I married four years later. I've known him for 42 years, and we've been sharing life together for 38 years. We are very good for each other, in all ways, and my heart still skips a beat, whenever he walks in a room.

Chatty, I don't even have the words to express to you how saddened I felt, reading your post. I'm speechless. Bless your heart, Chatty.

(((( Chatty )))) Life just isn't fair sometimes is it

I married my high school (and junior high school) sweetheart and it lasted 1 year -- We grew in different directions. Soon after I met and married the "passion" of my life (my first husband married his sister to stay "close" to me) but he was killed by a drunk driver 2 yrs later. It was then that I met my soul mate and partner of the last 30 years (this October).

I'm still learning things about him that I never knew Our sex life is --- well lets just say -- daily and I can't imagine starting a sentence without him ending it.

So for me -- three times was a charm

I don't think I will ever remarry. This was my fourth marriage and I really don't think I play well with others. Meaning, I don't think I ever want to be tied down to one man again.
I've had so much fun and have taken in a deep breath of fresh air now that I'm no longer married. Life is fresher, I see better, hear better, smile more often, and now every man I see (except for the married ones) are possibilities.

I feel free for the first time in years and its exhilerating! I feel like my life is just beginning-again and I feel a mixture of happiness, excitement and apprehension at what the future might bring.

Newleaf, it seems there are many single women at midlife who are also content. Some have learned they don't need men to be happy.

my grandparents were the only couple I knew who were married for a 50 + years, It only ended when my grandmother passed away. Thats what I was hoping for when I married the first time, unfortunately, that marriage ended after the 14-15 yr mark. Now on my second marriage, I'm hoping we will last longer.

DJ

Thank you ladies for your warm words. It was really hard. The reason I find it hard for me to get comfortable with a man again is probably because I lost my first husband after five years and then 3 years later married another and he died after 14 years. That wasn't fair, I'm two for two...I did marry again another 14 years later, and that was a real timwe waster and adventure in insanity! I did get divorced, finally. Thats it for me...Why is it the good ones passed away and the as//ole is still wandering around the planet?? Hummmm!!!

chatty and everyone, it's amazing to read how much we boomer women have endured through the years, yet still remain so positive, uplifting and faithful.

Three cheers for boomer women carrying on with dignity!

To give him a chance to get it right, Chatty?

I would literally pay to see that Newleaf. This guys is such a liar/user that he doesn't even know his own true self any longer. I suppose however he could possibly change with the proper guidance. I won't be the one guiding however, been there, done that. Have the T-shirt, ordered the hat. LOL

Would the "proper guidance" include a swift kick with a frozen boot?

I was just thinking about it this morning and I don't think I will ever get married again. Don't get me wrong, I love men and will always be open to Mr Right, if he even exists or Mr Chemistry which is more likely..lol
But marriage is so intense and can be so disappointing when it fails and for me it has three times...one sudden death.

The trouble is, I know myself TOO well and my latest love interest said he and I weren't compatible. I thought about that a lot and decided, I'm probably not compatible for any guy out there.

It would take a saint and then I wouldn't want him because he would be too nice...lol

I just wish Johnny Depp would leave that chick he's with and bump into me. I think we would be great together...

Well I have been single for so long and my life is so screwed up, hours wise. I come and go as I please, work day or night, whatever suits me. Buy and cook only my kinds of food and usually have a gang of visiting animals around me. I can't imagine any man fitting into my lifestyle, and thats fine with me. I am woman, hear me roar!!!

Tuesday my ex had me drive to his apartment and pick him up and take the divorce papers he had drawn up by his lawyer to MY bank and sign and notorize them. Now its official..not final, but official.
I told him the moment the ink dried on the papers,he was virtually dead to me.
I haven't spoken to him since. Its strange the sadness I felt. Like something died in my presence. And it did. My marriage. I cried feeling the loss of something I had hoped for and pledged to.

Even when women want the divorce, there is still a period of grieving for what they expected.

Feel the pain and carry on.

I think the next marriage is good because you know what to do and what not to do! I'm not good at answering it because I finally ended up marrying a man knew as a child. It took almost no adjusting because we knew each other's family and long ago past where problems start. We were able to say, "you do that because you dad...," and get to the bottom of things. We both marrid other people first, of course, we were too young to date back then. Any marriage(s), I think, should teach you how to have a healthier relationship, right?
That would be a plus, many people I know remain married because that is what they know! They may not have anything in common anymore but they know the other person and are afraid of change!
dancer

dancer, my husband was my high school sweetheart. How corny. But, I agree. I like the way we have known one another's families forever. Actually, he was my older brother's friend first.

As long as we boomer women learn from the mistakes made in prior marriages, and try not to repeat those mistakes, all should be fine.